Swap Meet (10 page)

Max set down his wineglass rather hard. “Do what?”

“This!” Chris shot out of his chair and gestured between them. “It’s too much, too

fast. I can’t be with you the way you want, Max.”

“Why not?”

The pain reflected in Max’s eyes shamed Chris. His fear of taking that final step out

of the closet was causing him to hurt the one man he’d ever truly cared for. “Because I

just can’t, Max. My world isn’t your world.”

Max took a few steps forward. “But it could be.” He reached out and touched Chris’

face. “I know you’re afraid of what people will say or think but you won’t be alone,

Chris. I’ll be right there with you, right by your side.”

Chris jerked free. “You make it sound so simple, Max, but the reality is much more

complex.” Max stiffened at Chris’ snapping retort. He felt like an utter asshole for being

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so short with him. “Look, Max, we’re just in different places in our lives. You’re gung

ho about embracing this and I’m just…not.”

“Gung ho?” Max repeated hotly. “I love you, Chris. Of course I’m gung ho about

this. I want to take you places. I want to be seen with you. I don’t want to skulk about in

the shadows and hope we’re not recognized. I refuse to be ashamed of this, of
us
.”

Long lengths of silence stretched between them. After a passionate speech like that,

there was nothing Chris could say. He wanted to believe it could be as easy as Max

described, that they could just live their lives openly and without consequence, but he

knew better. He couldn’t risk everything he’d strived to earn. Not even for love.

Chris couldn’t prolong the pain. His eyes burned as he strode toward Max. They

stared at one another for a moment. His fingers shook as he reached out and cupped

Max’s jaw for the last time. Their lips met in a delicate kiss. There was no mistaking the

distinct saline taste of Max’s silent tears.

Stomach lurching, Chris broke their kiss and turned on his heel. His steps slowed as

he neared the door. Some part of him desperately hoped Max would beg to him to stay,

to reconsider. Part of that was ego. Most of it was the confusion of regret.

But there was only silence.

His belly churning, Max watched Chris leave. It was all he could do not to plead for

him to stay. When Chris disappeared from view, Max wanted to chase after him. He

held the urge in check, refusing to make a further fool of himself. He’d laid it all on the

line, had bared his soul, and for what?

To have it thrown back in his face.

Humiliation burned hot across his cheeks. He’d taken a chance and fallen in love.

Now his heart was breaking. Somewhere deep in his subconscious Max had always

known Chris’ reticence to live openly threatened their happiness. Stupidly he’d hoped

Chris would see how good it could be between them and take a leap of faith. He’d set

himself up for the worst disappointment imaginable.

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He walked to the window overlooking the street. Hidden by the sheer drapes, Max

watched Chris head out to the idling car. Chris hesitated at the car’s edge and glanced

up at the townhouse. Max stepped back, suddenly embarrassed. By the time he’d

summoned the courage to peek through the window again, Chris was gone, taking

Max’s dreams of a happily ever after with him.

Numb, Max left the window and walked aimless across the room. As if drawn by

some invisible beacon, he slumped into the chair Chris had recently vacated. His lover’s

heat still clung to the cushion. Max turned his face and rubbed his nose against the

upholstery. He inhaled deeply, catching the scent of Chris’ cologne for what was surely

the last time.

Never before had he felt so empty. He’d had relationships end worse than this one

but no one had ever meant as much to him as Chris. No one had ever come close. And

he didn’t know what to do. The hurt was so intense it made him nauseous. His mind

reeled from the shock of this sudden loss.

Mired in the bleakness of the present, Max wondered if he would survive this pain.

The thought of finding someone to replace Chris was incomprehensible. There was no

other man like Chris. He was one-of-a-kind—and gone.

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“You missed a spot.”

Chris paused his scrubbing and looked over at the muddy smudge on the fire

engine’s side. Frowning at his own incompetence, he moved the bristles of the long-

handled brush over the spot and worked them in tight circles until the mud had

disintegrated. “There.” He sent Jack a pointed look. “That clean enough for you?”

Jack pretended to study the spot. “I suppose.”

Chris rolled his eyes and resumed his scrubbing. Washing trucks was his least

favorite part of the morning routine at the station but it had to be done. “There something wrong with your arms?”

“No.”

Chris glanced over his shoulder. “Then how about you pick up that brush and give

me a hand?”

“I’m not really the manual-labor type.” Jack smiled and sipped his coffee. “I’m

more of a management kind of guy. Cleaning trucks is for the peons.”

“Peons?” Chris slung soapy foam at Jack. “Last I heard your promotion hadn’t gone

through yet.”

Laughing, Jack wiped the melting suds from his pants and shirt. “Dick!”

“Guilty as charged,” Chris muttered and turned back to his job. A few seconds later

Jack joined him. They made quick work of soaping down the truck and then rinsing it.

“How come you aren’t coming to Bobby’s Fourth of July barbecue?” Jack directed

the hose nozzle at the front tires. “Last year you bitched and moaned for days about

having to miss it.”

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Chris shrugged. “Not really in the mood, I guess. I picked up some overtime

instead. Let someone else have the night off with their family.”

Jack cut off the water spray and turned to face him. “Man, what is up with you? The

last month or so you’ve been acting like someone ran over your damn dog.”

Chris avoided Jack’s questioning gaze. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Bullshit.” Jack studied him. “Is it a girl?”

His chest tightened at the thought of Max. “No, it’s not a girl.”

And that was the first bit of truth he’d spoken about his personal life in the entire

time he’d known Jack. His stomach soured at the realization their friendship was built

upon lies. For so long, dodging questions and fudging the truth had seemed like a

necessity. Now Chris could see it for what it really was. It was nothing more than

cowardice.

“So what is it then?” Jack’s voice was uncommonly concerned. “Look, man, I’m

worried about you. This funk you’re in just isn’t like you.”

Chris waved his hand. “You’re blowing it way out of proportion, Jack. I’ve just had

some heavy shit going on in my life. I’m working it out as best I know how.”

“Chris,” Jack clapped a hand on his shoulder, “I’ve been there. Just…you know…let

me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you.”

Jack nodded stiffly and finished rinsing off the truck. Chris was a little amused by

his friend’s rare show of concern. Jack wasn’t emotionally closed by any means but

definitely not a hug-it-out type of guy. For him to offer Chris a shoulder was a big thing

—and Chris appreciated it more than he could say.

In that moment, Chris wondered what Jack would say or do if he told him the truth.

He tried to imagine how that would play out.
I’m gay and I dumped the best man I’ve ever

known. I’m dying inside. I want him back more than anything in this world.

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Yeah. That would go over well in the cloistered testosterone city that was their fire

station. Chris could just see the revulsion and panic on the faces of his fellow firefighters. Okay, maybe a few of them would simply shrug and go on about their

days, but the others… Chris couldn’t stomach the idea of sharing a station with former

friends suddenly afraid to shower or change near him. He would become an instant

pariah and he simply couldn’t face that.

Back in the day room, Chris lounged with his workmates. While they watched a

late-afternoon baseball game and hotly debated the teams’ rosters, Chris allowed his

thoughts to wander. They always turned to Max. What was he doing? Was he thinking

of Chris? Was he fucking someone else? Had Max replaced him already?

The thought of another man sharing Max’s bed, sucking him off and showing him

pleasure, made Chris sick. Even though he’d forfeited the right to have any opinion on

what—or who—went down in Max’s bedroom, Chris couldn’t shake the surge of

jealousy pounding through his veins. He’d never known such regret. He’d never been

so disgusted with himself.

But wallowing in self-pity wasn’t going to get him anywhere. He’d made his choice.

All he could do now was man up and accept the consequences.

His cell phone vibrated against his hip. Chris’ heart jumped in his chest at the

chance it might be Max. A quick glance at the display crushed that hope. It was McKenzie, his sister.

He stood and headed out of the day room into the adjacent hallway. “Hey, Mac.

What’s up?”

“Just checking in with you,” she said, her voice sounding a bit tinny. “I’m about an

hour or so from Mom and Dad’s. Thought I’d get the lowdown from you before I hit

their front door.”

“Nothing new to tell,” he said, leaning back against the wall. “Same shit, different

day.”

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“Nice,” Mac replied with a little laugh. She hesitated before continuing. “You give

any thought to my offer?”

Chris sighed. Mac was the only person in the entire world he’d trusted enough to

tell about Max. He’d spared her none of the ugly details. She’d cried for him when he

couldn’t bring himself to shed a single tear. “I think I’ll pass, sis.”

“Chris,” Mac said forcefully, “you’re making a huge mistake. I have thousands and

thousands of frequent-flier miles. I want you to take them and fly your sorry ass to Paris

and beg that man to forgive your stupid behind.”

Chris couldn’t help but laugh. “Wow, Mac, way to make me feel better about

myself.”

“Look, Chris, it’s become painfully clear to me that you won’t help yourself. If I

have to come down to Houston, kidnap you and drag you onto that plane myself, I will.

It’s time to swallow that pride and go after him. He made you happy. What else do you

need?”

A wry smile curved his mouth. She was so much like Max in her outlook. They both

saw things so simply. If it makes you happy, do it and damn the repercussions.

“I’ll think about it, Mac.”

McKenzie gave a frustrated grunt. “I’m coming to see you on my way back to New

York.”

“Mac—”

“Nope,” she said, interrupting his protest. “You can’t change my mind. I’ll be there

some time on Wednesday afternoon. And don’t try to pull that ‘I’m working’ crap. Just

leave a key for me. If you don’t, I’ll come down to the station and make a royal ass of

myself.”

“Fine. Whatever.” He knew Mac well enough to know when to surrender. “I’ll see

you Wednesday. Tell Mom and Dad hi for me.”

“I will. Be safe, bro.”

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Chris slipped his phone back into the holder clipped onto his belt. He closed his

eyes and rested his head against the wall. Mac’s offer was more than he deserved. Like

his fateful meeting with Max all those weeks ago, this seemed to be another moment of

the planets aligning just so.

But could he do it? Could he really go down on bended knees and beg Max to take

him back? More importantly, did Max even want him anymore?

That, Chris realized, was the reason for his reticence. Max had every reason never

to see him again. Throwing Chris out on his ass would be perfectly within Max’s rights

as the wronged lover. The humiliation of flying all that way and begging forgiveness

only to be turned away would be a death blow to Chris’ confidence.

But it was the only way he’d get his answer. Either Max wanted to give him another

chance or not. If it took a heaping serving of humble pie to get some closure, then so be

it.

Chris jerked as the tones went off. Seconds later, a dispatcher’s voice filtered over

the various radios about the station. An apartment chockablock full of fireworks was on

fire. Adrenaline pumping, Chris rushed out to join his buddies. They hopped into their

boots and bunker gear, slinging jackets and clipped-on helmets over their shoulders

before making a mad dash to their seats on the engine or ambulance.

Even before they reached the warehouse, the fireball and plumes of colored smoke

could be seen on the darkening horizon. Bursts of color punctuated the dusky skyline.

Chris could tell this was going to be a bad one.

“What kind of an asshole stores the inventory for his fireworks stand in his

apartment?” Jack’s voice was scratchy over the headset. “Fucking idiots!”

Chris had to concur on that one. The things he saw in his job were just shocking.

The Darwin Awards had nothing on some of these yahoos.