Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (23 page)

He threaded his fingers in my hair and pulled gently to expose my throat before kissing his way down my neck, nibbling at the skin, sucking at my collar bone. I scraped my nails against his hot skin and smiled when he hissed my name. He slid his hands under my bottom and lifted me to him, I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him tight to my core. I wanted to scream out with the sensation of his hard length pressing against me.

He laid me down gently on his bed and covered me with his body, carefully holding his weight away from my stomach. He pulled his warm lips away from me and I whimpered at the loss.

“Lou.”

I cupped his face when I saw the agony in his eyes. “You don’t have to, I mean we don’t have to, if this isn’t what you want.” I watched the anguish on his face. I could feel his arousal so I knew that wasn’t a problem, but I also knew things were seriously complicated when it came to intimacy. Maybe he needed more time to relax into a sexual relationship.

“I’ve never...” He paused, closing his eyes. “I want to. It’s just...” He let out a shaky breath before opening his eyes and fixing me with a heated stare. “I’ve never been with a woman.”

“You’re a
virgin
?” I asked, shocked that such a gorgeous man would be.

A pained look crossed his face and I wanted to cry because I knew in that instant he was back in his nightmares, the place his innocence was brutally stolen. Tears played in his eyes, sparkling against the intense blue of his irises. He dropped his forehead against my beating chest.

“Do you want me?” I asked quietly.

“God yes,” he choked, lifting his head to look at me just as a tear tracked down his cheek. I lifted my head and pressed a kiss to his jaw.

“Make me yours.” I pressed kisses down his throat, loving the scratch of his stubble.

“Lou...”

“I ache for you, Johan, I need you inside me. Make me yours. Take what you need,” I begged. I ran my hands down his smooth back, his muscles jumping under my ministrations. I squeezed the globes of his arse before pulling the towel away.

“I want this...” I wrapped my fist around his impressive length. “Inside me. Make love to me.” I pumped his cock and smiled when he rocked his hips into my hand. I could feel the heavy weight of his balls against my fingers.

“God...” He gasped, pressing his forehead to my chest. “You need to...Lou...I’m going to...you have to stop.” His voice was laced with desire and need and I wanted nothing more than to continue and drive him wild, but I also knew I was balancing a very fragile line with him. I released him like he asked to prove he could trust me and smiled at his shuddering breath fanning against my chest. His back heaved with his deep breaths. Silently he reached out and opened the bedside drawer pulling out a new box of condoms. He used his teeth to break the cellophane before clumsily pulling out a square foil packet.

He placed it on the bed before pressing his mouth aggressively to mine. In the kiss I felt his need, his pain, his desire and fear. It was truly a powerful feeling. His body shook with uncontrolled dread; I sensed this was a step he had spent years
avoiding
, rather than not having the opportunity.

I cried out when his mouth latched onto an over-sensitised nipple, through my shirt. “Sorry,” he whispered, pulling away.

“Don’t you dare,” I warned, tugging my shirt over my head. I unfastened my bra, exposing myself to him. Cupping the back of his head I urged him back to my breasts. His deep chuckle sent shockwaves to my core. He sucked and swirled his tongue around my hardened nipple before biting gently as I cried out his name. There was no finesse, no refined confidence in how to pleasure a woman, he was simply doing what his primal need urged him to do, and I can admit it was an incredible turn on. He gripped roughly at my thigh and I welcomed the bite of his fingers. His other hand was above my head, and I could feel his body vibrating with tension.

“I’ve watched these beauties get bigger and dreamed about doing this.” His voice was thick with need, before showing the same attention to my other breast.

A deep pull in my core sent my mind on overload and I fought for control. I needed to be in control, this was supposed to be about him not—

“Oh God!” I moaned as he sucked hard and pressed his erection against my wet core. He must have been able to feel how soaked I was through my leggings.

“Does that feel good?” he said as he kissed his way up to my mouth.

“What do you think?” I groaned and lifted my hips against his, pressing against him.

“Can I take your pants off?”

“I may kill you if you don’t.”

Slowly he slid down my body taking my leggings and knickers with him. He smiled and stared at my exposed centre. I wanted to squirm and hide from him, but I talked myself out of it. He had exposed himself far more than my naked body, I had seen in his soul and his heart.

“Perfect,” he whispered, as he slowly kissed his way up my thighs, across my hips. Then he pressed a tender kiss to my stomach and smiled before pressing a slow drugging kiss to my mouth.

“Are you sure?” I asked, cupping his face.

“I’ve wanted you from the moment you called me G.I. Johan. I just knew I never deserved you,” he said, and my throat closed with emotion.

“You are
more
than I ever deserved,” I said honestly, because it was true. He was far better than any fantasy I could ever dream.

His eyes glistened with tears. “Promise me, Lou, I won’t spoil you?”

“I swear it.”

“I couldn’t...you’re too important for me to...”

“Make me yours.”

He let out a low groan before reaching for the foil packet with shaky hands.

Johan

She was going to kill me, it would be a sweet as hell fucking death because tonight my time was up because of this feisty little minx lying beneath me. I was heading to hell, but I was going out with my dick in heaven.

“Johan!” She panted beneath me and I paused, holding the condom at the tip of my cock. I couldn't do anything but stare at her, she was spread beneath me, her chestnut hair fanned out on my pillow, her eyes bright and silky like melted chocolate and her fucking mouth, all swollen from kissing
me
. I leaned forward and captured her mouth again. This right here was heaven, no fucker was taking this memory from me.

“Now, please,” she begged and I nearly came there and then.

I rolled the condom on and positioned my hard dick between her folds. Jesus she was beautiful, I never imagined I would feel like this. Like it was meant to be,
she
was meant to be. All
mine.

I rolled my hips against her. God she was warm, I closed my eyes, fighting off the sensation to either shoot my load or run and hide in the bathroom. I froze when her soft hand cupped my cheek.

“Open your eyes, honey, I want to see those beautiful blues when you’re inside me,” she whispered, running her thumb across my lip.

I opened my eyes, captivated by her.
My chest near damn exploded with how I felt about her. She was the first woman to break through, the first to claim my heart and the only one I wanted in my bed. I pressed my hips against her and the tip of my cock slid into her. She arched her back and gasped. I paused, terrified I was hurting her.

“Don’t stop!” she practically screamed.

“Am I hurting you?”

“Only by stopping.”

I pushed in farther and gritted my teeth, she was clamping down on me and squeezing my cock, there was no way I could make this last.

“I...I want to be good, but I won’t...
oh fuck me
...Lou, I’m not going to last. Let me...I want to be...” I pressed my face into her neck and sank into her fully. God, it really was heaven. All those times I’d listened to Ryan and Will talking about sex I never thought what they were saying could be true, that being like this would feel so good.

“Johan.” Her voice came out in desperate pants and I loved that I was doing that to her.

My arms shook as I held myself above her, not wanting to crush her. I looked down her body to see where we were joined and fear slapped me in the face. I froze as my eyes fixed on where my body entered hers.

All of a sudden I felt sick, how could I allow my need for her to overshadow my common sense? How could I violate her with my despicable body? She was perfect and I was disgraceful. My breaths were coming out in choppy gasps as I tried to regain my control. I started to pull out when she grabbed my a
ss and pulled me into her.

“Johan?” she said, and I felt her hand cup my face. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was regarding me with such concern I wanted to howl at what a bastard I was for doing this to her.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?

I shook my head and tried to pull away again as tears threatened to spill down my face. What a fucking pussy.

“Honey, it’s just us.”She wrapped her legs around me and she pulled me into her. Her arms wrapped around my back and held me to her.

Why was she holding me like this? Did she not see what a freak I was? In a lightning fast move, I don’t even know how the fuck she did it, but I was on my back and she was straddling me. Her gorgeous tits ripe for the taking. I closed my eyes, needing this to end.

“Lou.”

“It’s you and me, make me yours.”

“Lou.”

I clenched my jaw shut when she lifted her hips and slowly, oh so fucking slowly, slid down my cock. “Fuck. Me,” I gasped.

“Oh, honey, I intend to.”

I opened my eyes to look up at her. She had that sassy little smile on her face, but she closed her eyes and threw her head back when she rose and sank back down, pumping my dick with her wet pussy. She was my every fantasy come to life.

I grabbed her hips and forgot why this was wrong. I needed her, and for once I was taking what I wanted, damn the consequences.

***

“Talk to me,” she said softly.

My softening dick was still inside her. She was on top of me, panting, her breaths fanning against my clammy chest. I had the goofiest grin on my face, because let’s face it, I had just gotten laid for the first time. It felt fucking fantastic.

“Sorry it was a little quick.” I swallowed; I knew it should have lasted longer.

“Do you hear me complaining?”

“No? There really is a first time for everything.” I laughed when she slapped at my chest. She rested her chin above my heart, a dreamy expression on her face. I threaded my fingers through her tangled hair and smiled. I had put that look in her eyes, I had given her
bed hair.

“
Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded, but I couldn't fight the sick feeling, the foreboding crashing in my stomach.

“Talk to me.”

I shook my head but spoke anyway; this woman had a way of dragging the truth out of me. “I’m contaminated. I’m terrified I’ll spoil you. What we just did...”

“It was amazing. How can you spoil me?”

“By being inside you.” My cheeks heated, I couldn't look at her. She was perfect and I was this ugly spoiled freak.

“Honey.”She chuckled and I felt her warmth grip my cock, waking it from its slumber, and both of us groaned together.

“That feeling,” she began, moving her hips against mine. “Did you enjoy it?”

I closed my eyes tightly. “God yes.” I moaned when she lifted her hips again. “But I’m a fucking freak.”

“No!” she said loudly, cupping my face and turning me to face her. I stared into her chocolate eyes and wanted to bawl at the concern there. “You are not a freak, stop calling yourself that. Maybe we went too fast, moved onto sex too quickly. But I want to be intimate with you, I want to touch you, and have you touch me. You are not spoiled, you’re magnificent, strong, and the bravest man I’ve ever met.” She winked and I couldn't help but smile.

“Don’t forget annoying,” I joked.

“There you go.” She ran her thumb along my bottom lip. “I love your smile. These dimples are...” She pulled herself up my body, dislodging me from inside her, then licked my cheek. “I’ve wanted to do that since the first time you showed me these bad boys.”

“You like dimples?”

“I have ovaries, obviously I like dimples.” She laughed and I loved that sound. She pressed another kiss to my
dimples
and trailed a tingling path down my neck.

“Why do you put up with me? Why don’t you think I’m damaged?”

She pressed her finger against my lips, silencing me. “You’re fine until you speak.” She smiled to let me know she was joking. “Make love to me.”

“I—”

“Make me yours.”

I pressed my mouth against hers, threaded my fingers into her hair and held her, rolling her underneath me as I rocked my hips. I pulled the used condom off and threw it in the bin. Her desperate whimper woke my snoozing cock. I rocked my hips again.

“Being with you feels natural,” she began, “like we’re two magnets drawn to one another. I tried to fight it. I was attracted to you the day I met you in Eve’s bedroom, and even though you did everything to antagonise me I couldn’t seem to pull away. I think you are the type of man who is easy to fall for, but impossible to pull away from.”

“You terrify me.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve given you the power to break me. I swore I wouldn’t allow that to happen again. For years I’ve learnt to guard myself, to never let myself become vulnerable to others. But you, you broke in and stole everything. You robbed my heart. The strange thing is, even though I know the pain of you leaving would be the worst I’ve ever experienced, I can’t fight my attraction to you. I don’t want to fight it.”

“What are you saying?” she asked.

Fuck the consequences, I was all in.

“I’ve done the one thing I feared more than anything. I’m falling in love.”

She sucked in a loud breath as her gaze searched mine. I wanted to hide, to cover my face, but I held strong. I masked the fear behind my eyes and fought against the panic rising in me. My heart beat furiously in my chest. She was going to leave. She was going to shatter me and leave me in a bloodied heap. Alone again.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled me to her, her lips pressed softly against mine.

“Make love to me.” She let out a shuddering breath, fanning across my lips.

It hurt like a motherfucker that she didn’t say it back, but I knew in my heart she never would. I didn’t deserve to hear it, but I couldn't hide how I felt about her, and I prayed to God to let me keep her, to keep her safe and let me love her.

***

“Johan?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think you can let me go now? I have cramp in my arse cheeks.”

I laughed loudly, I couldn't help it. “You have such a way with words.”

“What? I’m being honest, I can’t feel my arse, which is a huge thing seeing as it’s the size of a small country.” She laughed and got to her feet.

I blatantly stared at her gorgeous body, she had no qualms about showing it off and I loved that about her. She pulled the sheet from the floor and wrapped it around her shoulders like a cape. We had ended up on the floor around the third or fourth time she let me into her body. We laughed, licked and loved each other. Every inch of her body I’d tasted, I wanted to memorise her. I loved the sounds she made when she came, and the way her eyes would gloss over when she wanted me. I have nothing to compare this with, but I'm pretty sure she is damn near perfect.

“I’m cold, and you are going to be my blanket while I sleep.” She pointed to me before pulling me to the bed.

“You Beaumont women are a sucker for my sheets.” I laughed, and her shoulders stiffened as she hesitated at the side of the bed.

“How do you mean?”

“Eve, she’s the only other woman to spend the night here. Although she kind of hogs the sheets so I’m hoping it’s not hereditary.”

Lou stepped away from the bed and stared down at it as if it was going to bite her. I tilted my head to see her face and her expression nearly killed me. She had tears in her eyes and a pained look on her beautiful face.

“Lou?”

“Maybe it would be better if I went home, you were right, we should take this slow. Maybe just be friends and see where—”

“Lou, what’s wrong?”

“Eve never told me you two...” She lifted her face to look at me and my heart stopped. Then realisation hit me like a sledgehammer. She thought more had happened between Eve and I.

“No! No, no, no, I didn't mean
that
. This is where she stayed when Elliott...” I ran my hands through my hair;. I grasped her hands and pulled her to sit beside me on the bed, trying to decide where to begin the story. “You know when we had fireworks at your house?”

“Bonfire night?”

I nodded. “Well, that night, or should I say that weekend, Elliott used Eve as a punch bag.” When Lou winced I swallowed, hating how blunt I sounded. “Sorry. When I arrived at work on Monday, Eve was in her office. She could hardly breathe she was in so much pain. I suspected he was beating her, but I couldn't be sure. The day we met, you had a go at me because I made her cry. But that was when I approached her and said I knew what he was doing. She freaked and started crying. That Monday when I found her, I wasn’t accepting any bullshit answers and threatened to tell Dominic. She wouldn’t go to the hospital so I brought her here. She stayed in my bed, that’s it. I thought you knew?” It was a low blow to threaten Eve, and I still felt like shit about it, but I knew Dominic was the one person she wouldn’t want to tell. She may have been dating his brother, but her heart clearly belonged to my infuriating colleague, and she’d been embarrassed about what was happening to her.

Lou shook her head slowly.  “I didn't realise until your mum told me that Eve came here.”

“She only came here once. And she was in a lot of pain. I wasn’t lying when I said I’ve never...I’ve kissed girls before, but nothing more. Oh, that’s a lie, I touched Alice Matthews’s boobs once but she slapped me and called me a pervert.”

Lou giggled and wiped her eyes.

“Eve stayed here and told me some of what that dick was doing to her, and she finally admitted what we all knew, and how she felt about Dominic.”

“How did you see it and we didn’t?” Lou asked, moving herself farther onto the bed. I followed, pulling her into my side. I rested against the headboard with her head resting over my heart.

“I told you how my mom died?”

She nodded against my chest.

“Chase Dermont, my father, was a sick son of a bitch. I rarely saw him, Mom used to hide me away like I was this little secret whenever he was home. He was always so pissed off. He would come home from work, demand his supper like he was some kind of king waiting to be served, and she would scurry around doing everything he demanded. But he always found an excuse to use his fists. His meal was cold, his meat was overcooked, his beers weren’t cold enough, the house was a mess, anything, and he would use it. I would find her so many times in the bathroom covered in bruises with torn clothes crying her eyes out. She would grab hold of me and sob for hours. He used to scream at her for being a whore, and a worthless ugly bitch, but Lou, my mom was the most beautiful woman to walk the earth. She had this inner glow that I loved so much. Even with nasty bruises she would still smile.” I took a deep breath and pressed a kiss to the top of Lou’s head. Her hand stroked up and down my ribs in a slow and soothing way.