Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (21 page)

Johan

I stopped breathing, held my breath and didn't dare believe what I was feeling. Then it did it again. My lungs burned from holding my breath, my heart pounded in my ears and my pulse throbbed at my neck. I let out a breath urgently, not able to hold it any longer. A more forceful push against my hand.

“Bean’s moving,” she whispered.

I looked up at her to see tears shining in her eyes. I couldn't speak. My little buddy, the one I’d seen moving on screen was touching my hand. He kicked again and Lou let out the most adorable giggle. I smiled at her and moved my hand a little, using my fingers to tickle against her sweater top. He responded by kicking me.

I dropped to my knees in front of her and covered her stomach with my hands, cupping her tiny swell of skin. I moved my fingers to the hem of her top and looked up at her for permission. She hesitated, watching me before nodding. I lifted the hem of her sweater and pressed my lips against her exposed skin. She sucked in a breath but it didn't stop me. I turned my head and rested my cheek against her stomach. She laced her fingers through my hair, entwining our bodies together.

“Hey, little buddy, I can’t wait to meet you. I need your permission for something important.” I took a deep breath and smiled. “I want to ask if it’s okay to date your momma.” I paused when her fingers stopped in my hair. My little buddy pressed against my cheek again and it was the best fucking feeling in the world. I pressed a kiss to her stomach hoping I wasn’t kissing his ass; then again, if he didn't want me to date his momma maybe that’s what he was doing. “You’re not making me kiss your ass, little bud, are you?”

Lou giggled again. “If he’s in position, it should be his head near there. And why am I saying
he
, it could be a girl.”

“Nah. You’re a boy aren’t ya, buddy?” He kicked again.

I stood up quickly and manoeuvred Lou to the couch, motioning for her to sit down at the end. She did and I quickly laid down across the couch and put my head in her lap with my head against her stomach. She smiled and threaded her fingers through my hair again. I ran my index finger in smiley face patterns over her stomach, watching as her skin moved like rapid little waves. “So, little man, you listening up, we gotta take care of our girl here. You and me, we have to be a good team. You watch my back I watch yours. She’s a feisty sort is your momma.” She slapped at the back of my head and I laughed. “See what I mean?”

I pressed another kiss against her skin, then ran my hands over the area I assumed he was. “You’re the luckiest kid alive, to be coming into this family and having a momma like Lou.”

“Johan,” she whispered.

I moved away and pulled her sweater down. I sat beside her on the couch and stared down at my hands.

“Sorry, that was a dorky move,” I said, feeling like a dick.

“No, it wasn’t, it was sweet, I liked it. It was nice having someone care,” she said so quietly I almost missed it. I turned to look at her and saw her cheeks were pink, she wasn’t looking at me.

“Lou?”

“What?”

“Don’t do that? Don’t hide, tell me what’s on your mind.”

She sucked in a breath and looked away from me. I expected a lippy retort, but it was quite the opposite.

“I just...I didn't expect a fanfare after announcing I was pregnant, but I didn't expect this either.” She cleared her throat. “I didn't expect to raise a kid alone, to have the baby’s dad turn into a total arse-wipe and have rumours spread around that I'm nothing but a cheap tart. And I certainly didn't expect the most annoying man I’ve ever met to turn out to be the sweetest man alive either.”

“Aww, come on, Dominic isn’t
that
annoying.” I laughed when she dug her elbow into my ribs. “Why do you think you’re alone? I’m here, Eve’s only fifteen minutes away, you have great parents.”

She let out a long breath. “It’s not the same as sharing it with someone you love.”

“I suppose that’s true. But maybe we could get to that point.”

Her attention snapped towards me. “What?”

“You and me, maybe
we
could...” I shook my head and pulled away. “No you’re right, ignore me.”

She reached out and gently touched my arm. “Please tell me what you were going to say.”

“I know I’ll never be his dad,” I said, pointing at her bump. “But I’d like to be here with you both, in a similar capacity.” My face heated and I felt like such a pussy for saying all this shit.

“Why?”

“Because I think of nothing else but you. I see a future, I see something beyond simply surviving life. I see myself
living
it. I’ve never dared to think I could have more, I never...you make me
want
more. It both terrifies me and excites me. But I think finally I have something I could be brave for, someone I would want to be brave for, to take that chance.”

When I lifted my head to look at her a single tear tracked down her alabaster skin.

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m confused I guess, and scared. I loved Darren, a lot, and I thought we were
it.
He was my future, I thought one day we would get married and have kids.” She shook her head disgustedly. “Obviously I skipped a stage.”

“So you’re telling me you’re still in love with Darren.” My stomach twisted in agony.

“That’s the thing. I’ve been with him for years, he’s been at my side. It’s been Darren and Lou, Lou and Darren for so long I don’t know how to be anything else.” She let out a frustrated huff. “I loved him, I really did, I suppose part of me still does. You don’t just switch it off. It hurt how he reacted, but it destroyed me knowing he wanted me to terminate baby bean.” She caressed her stomach protectively. “But it
didn't
hurt as much as it should have when I realized we were over. It felt
right.
Like we had reached the end and there was nowhere else to go. No drama, no heart-wrenching breakup. It just ceased to exist. I think of him and I think what an annoying twat he was. But he’s the father of my baby and I feel like it’s necessary to cling to our relationship. Like I shouldn’t give up.”

“So you want...” I swallowed the lump in my throat; she was killing me. “You want to make it work with him?”

She laughed and shook her head. “I don’t think so, no. The point I’m trying to make and messing it up is...I was with Darren for years, and I should have been heartbroken. I’ve known you a few months, but it terrifies me because I think if I let you in, and open my heart to you, and if you walked away I...I don’t think I’d recover from that. The day I came over here to tell you about Eve, when Emily was here...that gutted me.”

“We weren’t doing anything, I swear.”

“I know that now. But it shocked me how I reacted, then you held me and...”

I tilted my head to watch her, hoping she would continue.

“I feel happy in your arms, Johan, like I...like we fit perfectly. God, I am so not a mushy crap kind of lass. It’s not sexual, although you are pretty hot, okay major
knicker-wetting
hot, but it feel
more
with you. Like even without sex and stuff I’d be happy with you, content and safe. I’d have everything I need between you and baby bean. And that scares the shit out of me.” She let out a shaky breath then squared her shoulders. “You say a witty remark and I’m going to kick you in the balls.”

I laughed loudly, and put my arm around her shoulders. “Only you could say something so cute and finish it with threatening my boys.” I kissed her temple. “If it helps any, I feel the same about you.”

I couldn't believe I’d just admitted all that. It felt natural to tell him, to explain how I felt. And I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I was terrified of how I felt about him. It had blossomed from instant attraction, to annoyance, back to annoyed attraction to full blown
I want to ride the Johan train
. And had I just used the word bloody
blossomed? S
hit on a brick, it’s official, I’m finally losing it.

I’d fought against my attraction to him, but that was easy when I thought he had a thing for Eve. I could never be a replacement for my sister. Eve is gorgeous, she has a radiant light about her that sucks you in. I’m not exactly
bulldog chewing on a wasp
material, but I’m not conceited enough that I can’t admit I have faults in the looks and personality department.

I turned when I realised Johan was staring at me, his intense blue eyes watching me, his dark lashes fanning across his cheek each time he blinked; it was royally unfair a man should have lashes that long.

“Do you think we...maybe we could take it slow. See where things go between us?” I hazarded.

“Sure.”

“I don’t think it would be wise to finish one relationship and jump straight into another. I just ask one thing. Well two actually,” I added.

He nodded.

“Don’t hurt me. And don’t hurt baby bean.”

“I won’t,” he promised, and I believed the sincerity in his voice. I threaded my fingers between his and smiled. “Who’d have thought a few months ago this would happen?”

“Oh I knew, I knew the moment you laid eyes on my sexy body you were hot for me. And it wouldn’t—” He didn't finish his sentence because I slapped my hand across his mouth.

“Infuriating, annoying little shit.” I laughed. “If we just see how things go as friends. I don’t want things to completely mess up. You’re Eve’s friend, we live together, I’m pregnant. There are so many factors where it can all go wrong that it scares me. So we start as friends?”

“Okay. But...” He paused and looked at me as if gauging my reaction.

“But what?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“That would be some kind of
special
friendship.” I laughed, leaning forward to seal the deal with a kiss, but the reaction he had to my words wiped the smile clean from my face. He stood so abruptly I felt a back draft from his movements. He stalked out of the room into the kitchen. I jumped to my feet and followed.

“Johan?”

He stood at the sink, gripping the sides in a white knuckle hold. His body was visibly shaking.

“Johan?”

“I’m fine,” he snapped. But he clearly wasn’t.

I stepped towards him and he almost catapulted himself across the kitchen like a frightened cat. I gawped at him, mouth open, my hands held out to him.

“I don’t know what I just did.” I felt hopeless, especially staring into his terrified gaze.

“Just friends,” he said, shaking his head. “I agree,” he muttered, before running out of the kitchen and leaving the house.

“What the hell just happened?” I asked the empty kitchen.

***

He still hadn’t come home and I was getting scared; I had no clue where he’d gone, who he was with, and whether or not he was okay. I tried his mobile but soon discovered he’d left in on the coffee table in the lounge. I stared at the clock on the mantel. Loudly ticking away the minutes. I’d rang Eve earlier to see if she had seen him, but she said she hadn’t.

His mobile started ringing and I snatched it from the coffee table and answered it.

“Johan?” I panicked.

“Hey there,” said a hesitant female voice.

I pulled the phone away to check the caller I.D; the screen read
Mama-su
.

“Hi,” I said quietly. “Johan isn’t here.”

“I’m his...I’m Ane.”

“I’m Lou, his housemate,” I said awkwardly because I had no clue if she had any idea who I was.

“Oh.” She gasped, and I could hear the smile in her voice.”I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“I think that’s possibly Eve.” I tried to hide the sadness in my voice.

“No, I’m pretty sure I’m talking about you,” she said happily. I smiled despite my anxiety over Johan. ”You’re Eve’s sister?”

“Yes.”

“You’re pregnant?”

I closed my eyes because I didn't have the energy to deal with another protective mother raging at me because they thought I wanted to
trap
their son. But then I guess she had no idea things were progressing between us.

“Yes.”

“He’s going to be a big boy, long thighs like my Willem had.”

“Excuse me?”

“The scan photo,” she explained. “Jo emailed it to me. He said it was the most amazing experience of his life. Thank you for that. I rarely hear my son...in fact I’ve
never
heard him as happy as he was the day he called to tell me about it.”

“Really?” I choked, I couldn't believe he had done that.

She chuckled over the line. “He was amazed by it, and so proud. He’s convinced it’s a little boy. He talks about
his little buddy
all the time. It’s
my
first experience of hearing him so freely happy. Jo has...
trouble
letting people close to him. So when he called about the baby I knew instantly he was mad about you. But I’m a little worried about how hesitant you are.” She let out a long breath.

“It’s not that.” I rubbed my eyes. “We are...close. I have...it’s complicated, but I like how he is about the baby. I’m not hesitant about any of that, because I feel the same. It scares me, but I feel the same. We had a misunderstanding and I don’t know how to fix it.” I hated that my voice quavered.

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted on a cry. I wiped at my eyes, feeling stupid for breaking down to a complete stranger. “Everything was perfect, we were taking steps to be...together. Then I must have said something and he just changed. Like a switch, he just flipped, got up and left. No, he
ran,
and I haven’t seen him since and I haven’t a clue where he is. I don’t even know where to look.” I covered my mouth when I realised I was openly sobbing.

“You care about my boy?”

I nodded then verbally confirmed it.

“What did you say before he left?”

“Nothing,” I said, exasperated, because I honestly had no clue what I’d done wrong. “I ended my long term relationship with my baby’s real father, because of how I feel about Johan, and things weren’t working out with Darren anyway. But I swear that isn’t why I want to be with Johan, he isn’t some kind of rebound.”

She chuckled. “Go on, Louise.”

“I explained I didn't want to rush anything, I said I wanted to be friends and see where it went. This is important to me and I don’t want to rush something like this and see it fail because...” I took a composing breath. “He
isn’t
a rebound, I don’t want there to be any doubt in his or my mind we are together because it’s meant to be.” I let out a frustrated breath because I felt an utter fool.

“That’s it?” she asked, and I could hear the accusation in her voice. “Did you try to touch him?” she asked hesitantly. I pulled the phone away from my ear and frowned at it; what a question to ask.

“No. Well, I don’t think so. We were sitting together on the sofa, he holds me all the time, he’s rather tactile anyway and seeing as we’ve kissed I doubt that was the issue.”

“What?” She gasped as if it was a major bloody deal. Then she chuckled softly. “Louise, I have many ways to describe my son, but
tactile
is one word I would never use. Do you know I can probably count on one hand the times he’s allowed me to hold him. Will, his dad, has never been allowed physical contact with him. He knows the boundaries Jo sets with us. Do you have any idea how hard and heartbreaking it is when your child is in pain, and screaming out terrified? There is nothing can do, you cannot hold them, because if you do you add to that fear.” I swallowed at the desperate emotion in her voice. “Jo doesn’t like to be touched, ever. Do you realise what a rare gift he’s given you?”

“He calls himself a freak all the time.”

She make a disgusted sound down the phone. “That isn’t him, that’s the bigoted idiots from a backwards town who instead of protecting their children, they ignore their pain. My son is no freak, they are, the monsters who broke a magnificent heart.”

“I agree.”

We were both silent for a few moments. Then it hit me.

“I rejected him, well I didn’t really, I just made a joke about us being friends and kissing,” I rambled. “So I wasn’t rejecting him because I would have loved to kiss him again and—” I paused when I heard her quiet chortle. “Why are you laughing at me?”

“Honey, I’m not laughing at you. I adore hearing you talk this way about him. Continue please.” Her amusement was loud and clear in her voice.

“That’s it, he asked if he could kiss me, I made a joke about it being some kind of special friendship if I allowed him to and—”

“You said what?” All humour left her voice.

“Well, we’d agreed to be friends, so it was meant as a joke. I would have kissed him, I just thought I’d lighten the mood by—”

“Louise. Honey, you didn't upset him by rejecting him.”

“I didn't
reject
him, I’d have kissed him,” I argued.

“Sweetheart, I have a strong feeling you would. But you see, he ran because you said ‘special friendship’. It’s a trigger for him.”

“A what?”

“Has he ever explained anything about his past to you? Anything at all?”

“Yes, I think he’s just grazed the surface, but what he has told me makes my blood run cold.”

“It’s a lot more than he’s ever told me, honey. Johan has
never
spoke to me about what happened to him before he came to us. But his Uncle Ryan—”

“He told me about him.”

“Well, Ryan was his saviour, and one night, Ryan broke down and told me everything that happened to those boys. Louise, I was a psychiatrist for a lot of years, and it makes my stomach churn to think about what they dealt with. ”

I closed my eyes wanting to block it all out.

“His grandpa Chase used to refer to their
relationship
as a
special friendship.
Ryan and Johan—his name was Chase then—were his
special
boys.”

I let out a loud whimper and covered my mouth. I closed my eyes as tears dripped down my cheeks.

“You did nothing wrong, honey, but those words take him to a very bad place. And no matter how much therapy he’s had, say them in a particular context and he struggles to cope with it. He’s gone to a safe place to gain control of himself. Here, it was the pool house, he felt grounded there. When he moved to the UK he struggled to find that safe place, but he copes much better now.”

“What have I done, where will he be? I need to find him. Oh God! What if he...” I sobbed, gripping the phone, holding on tightly to the only connection I had to the man I was pretty sure I had just handed my heart to whether he wanted it or not.

“Have you tried his apartment?”

“But he lives here,” I insisted, confused.

“He owns the building, honey. It confused me at first when he said he was moving in with you girls, but I understand perfectly now. He wanted to be close to
you.
”

“Where is it?” I asked, feeling stupid that I knew nothing about him. She reeled off an address.

“Eve has a key somewhere,” Ane continued. “He gave it to her when her boyfriend was...it was a safety measure. Can you ask her for the key?”

“How do you know all this?”

“I’m his mom. We talk every afternoon, or evening as it is there. I also know if you admit how you feel about him, his dreams will come true. For months, all I have heard about is a stubborn, feisty, brown-eyed beauty. His words, honey, not mine.”

“I need to find him.”

“One more thing.” She cleared her throat as if suddenly nervous. “Would you allow Will and I to meet the baby when he’s born?”

I covered my mouth in shock. “You would want to?”

“If this goes the way I hope, I definitely want to meet my step-grandson.”

Another sob echoed down the phone at this family’s easy acceptance of my unborn child.

“Go find my boy,” she told me.

I nodded but I couldn't speak.

When I hung up Johan’s phone, I went straight for mine. I had no clue where my sister would hide a key, especially from that sick son of a bitch Elliott. I grabbed my mobile and realised it was a little late to be ringing her. I sent a text hoping beyond hope she was still awake.

Hi sis. U up?