Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (19 page)

York, England

She knew. She knew everything. Well, mostly everything, and she was still there curled up beside me, soft against my chest. Her shallow breaths were in sync with my breathing. She hadn’t let me go since I told her some of the sordid shit that had happened when I was a kid. She simply held on tighter; this tiny little spitfire had a killer hold. I kept looking at her, addicted to watching her as she slept. I'm terrified if I fall asleep she will be gone when I wake up. How many times had she held me and I didn't know? God, what I wouldn’t give to have woken up, just once to find her holding me, to feel her against me like this. I'm not stupid enough to believe I deserve it, or that it will last. But I wish I was good enough for her.

Lou is the feistiest, most kick-ass woman I’ve ever met. She would rather kick you in the balls than admit she’s wrong about something, and call me a masochist, but I crave that about her. I will never forget the moment I saw her in Eve’s room. She gave me the stink eye and full blown attitude. But I was mesmerised by her. I'm pretty sure I said some lame ass comment but I can’t remember. All I remember is seeing her gorgeous brown hair all tousled, and her stunning body. Her chocolate coloured eyes glared at me, and her seemingly bee-stung lips turned down in a frown.

She hated me on sight and I think I fell head over heels in lust with her, right there and then. I’ve been falling at her feet ever since and she hadn’t a freaking clue I existed until I redecorated the nursery for her. I worry that she thinks she owes me, and I hate when people do that. I want her to feel genuine emotions for me. But the crazy thing is, I
know
she isn’t like that. She does and says exactly what she thinks. So I think I’m trying to put a barrier between us to either protect her or myself. And it’s messing with my head because the harder I fight how I feel the harder it is to stay away from her.

Telling her all that shit about my past was weird, because I never talk about it. I don’t think I’ve ever opened up to anyone, not even Mama-su, about some of the stuff that went on in that boathouse. But for some strange reason it flows out of me around Lou. It’s like she’s a magnetic force pulling the truth out of me and I’m helpless to stop it. Half of the time I don’t want to stop it, I want her to know the truth. But I’m terrified of losing her. I had a pretty good handle on it before the incident with Eve. Now I’m back to popping meds and trying to get my head straight. I’m constantly anxious, I can’t sleep and when I do I’m having nightmares. There’s no wonder I’m so fucking exhausted. I want to find a place to hide and make the world go away. But for the first time in my life I want to take Lou with me. I want her in my space and that terrifies me. Because not even Ryan came into my space, he never breached the walls I built.

“Jesus, the cogs spinning in your brain are frigging noisy.” My feisty little elf growled from beside me. I laughed and wrapped my arm around her. It feels so natural to do that now. To have the privilege of holding her.

“You okay?” she asked quietly.

“I have a cramp because, woman, you weigh a ton.” I laughed loudly when she hit me in the stomach.

“You are so horrible to me, you dick.”

“And you sound like a walrus when you snore.”

She sat up so quickly she nearly threw me off the couch. “I. Do. Not. Snore!”

“Yes you do, I’m surprised animal control wasn’t here thinking we were breeding—
umph
.“ I groaned when she reared up, pressed her hand to my groin and one to my chest and leapt from the couch, using me as a spring board.

“You...you little annoying...turd!” She huffed and stormed out of the room. My body started shaking with laughter because she was so easy to rile, and so fucking sexy when she had her hackles up.

“And for your information...I do not snore. It’s a common fact women don’t snore. You probably woke yourself snoring.”

“I don’t think so, my brother couldn't sleep with the noise you were making, and he’s in Wisconsin.”

She pointed a slender finger at me and scowled. “You are an annoying little shit.”

“You know, I think I’ve heard that before.” I smiled at her. She huffed again and walked away.

My mobile started ringing; when I glanced at the screen I saw it was my second favourite girl. “Hey gorgeous! You calling because you’re needing my sexy bedside manner. Or wanting to live out your doctor-patient fantasy, because I’m all up for making that a reality.” I grinned when I heard Dominic growl. Due to her injuries she couldn't hold her hand up for any length of time so had gotten into the habit of putting her phone on speaker. It was the best way to irritate her guy. “I can stick my thermometer—”

“Fuck off, prick,” he shouted and the phone rustled as if being moved about. I heard Eve chastising Dominic for shouting and I laughed loudly.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

“Did I make you blush? I did, didn't I?”

“You are so bad. I wanted to see if you could ask Lou to bring me some stuff, I’ve been trying to phone her all day but her mobile is switched off. Is she home?”

“Yeah. WALRUS!” I shouted and laughed when I heard her grumbling in the kitchen.

“Johan, why are you calling her that?” Eve asked.

I walked into the kitchen and handed the phone to Lou and stepped back quickly when she snipped the scissors menacingly at my groin. Seriously, this woman threatened my boys more than anyone I knew.

“Hello?” Lou said, eyeing me. “Hey, he’s a dick...no...Ahem...nope...okay...which one’s would be best?...Okay...yep...anything else?...I’ll tell you later...okay...love you. Bye.” She handed me my phone and turned to the kitchen counter.

“So, my sexy little butterfly, when can I come visit you?” I asked Eve when I put the receiver back to my ear.

“Lou is coming tomorrow so you could come with her if you promise to be good.”

“Oh, honey, you know I’m
always
fantastic.”

She giggled. “Stop winding my sister and Dominic up. He can hear you, you know.”

“I know.” I laughed and said my goodbyes. I stood behind Lou and peered over her shoulder.

“So what’s up with your phone?” I asked knowing she had been glued to the thing since Eve was taken to hospital.

She shrugged and looked away. Her cheeks reddened and I knew something was wrong.

“Lou?”

She let out a loud sigh and shook her head. “I turned it off to stop Darren phoning me constantly. I didn't want to hear his bullshit anymore.”

At the sound of his name I wanted to punch something. That prick didn't realise what a perfect woman he had. On top of that, she was carrying his fucking kid. Well, his loss, my gain. Any guy would fall over backwards to have the tiniest piece of Lou. I know I would.

“The other night I thought he’d gotten the message we were over, then his sister started spreading rumours and he was blowing up my phone with texts to
get together. S
o I may have left him a voicemail on his answer phone ranting about what an impotent, crappy lay he was and that if it hadn’t been for the Viagra we wouldn’t have gotten me pregnant in the first place. And he needs to find another woman to lend him her underwear because I was officially breaking up with him. And my knickers were too small anyway.” She let out a loud huff. “
And
the answer phone may or may not have been his secretary’s, at the hospital.” She shrugged her shoulders like she hadn’t just promoted herself to the hottest woman in the freaking
world.

I laughed loudly and shook my head. “Are you serious?”

She nodded solemnly. “Deadly. So now he’s phoning and texting me.” She slammed the knife down on the counted. “I just made a total tit of myself, didn't I? I've made our private life the speculation of his gossiping secretary, and probably the entire hospital.”

“No, you made a tit of Darren, but then again he already was a douche. As for gossip,
what comes around goes around
.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a low sound. “It’s not that simple.”

“Because of the baby?” I asked and regretted my tone when she turned and glared.

“No, because I don’t air my dirty laundry in public.” She started to walk past me and I grabbed her arm to stop her. “Johan.”

“I kissed you earlier, I told you stuff I’ve
never
told anyone. I’m here, on your side, ready to fight
beside
you. You fight my nightmares, let me stand beside you with this.” I meant every word and I would fight for her in any capacity. “Besides, my little walrus—”

“That is the
worst
pet name known to man.”

I laughed because she was such a spirited little thing. And I say little because
I
was short compared to the
Senior
men, but she was tiny even at the side of me.

“It’s better than G.I. Johan.” I chuckled, but in all honesty I think that was the moment she won me over.

Her face paled and I grabbed for her, hoping she wasn’t suddenly sick.

“Lou?”

“That’s why...oh God, Johan, I am so sorry. I didn’t know that was why you hated it...that’s why—”

“Lou, what are you talking about?”

“Ryan,” she said simply and I realised where her thoughts were. It still hurt like a motherfucker to hear his name. God, I missed the son of a bitch.

“You hated me calling you that because of him, but I never meant to hurt you. I’m a bitch but I don’t aim to hurt people.” Her voice choked and my heart squeezed; I hated her feeling any kind of pain because of me.

“It bothered me, not because of Ryan but because I know I’d never be the kind of man
worthy
to protect people. I know it was a joke.” I tapped my temple. “In here is fucked up,
I’m
fucked up, and it doesn’t take much to set it all off.” I felt nauseous admitting that to the most perfect woman I had ever met. But she needed to understand.

“You’re not fucked up.”

“Yeah, I am, I was broken a long time ago. I’m beyond help.”

“Then I’m going to fix you, I will find the broken pieces of your heart and make them work again.”

My throat clogged with emotion and I wanted to bawl like a fucking pussy, but I swallowed it down. Her smile was absolutely breathtaking. I didn't want to see the disappointment in her face when I ultimately failed to get my shit together. People had been trying for over twenty years to
fix
the fucked up mess I’d become.

“So I have a new name for you.” I needed to break the tension I had caused yet again.

“Oh yeah? What is it, the amazing-fantastical-outstanding Lou-Lou?”

I shook my head and smiled. “Umpa-lumpa?” I suggested. “Because they fix—”

“If you want to keep your teeth, I’d shut up now,” she said, jabbing her finger at me.

I grabbed her finger and pulled it to my lips to kiss the tip. She looked shocked at first but pulled her shoulders back and just as quickly the look was gone.

“Okay, that’s a lie. I haven’t found one totally fitting for you. You’re kind of unique so I can’t settle on one,” I admitted, and God what a sappy shit I sounded. Where the hell was it all coming from? “Listen let’s go out tonight, I usually meet up with Liam for a few beers on Friday nights. He brings some of his buddies and his wife. Although she’s just had a baby so I can’t guarantee she’ll be there.”

“I don’t know.” She chewed on her bottom lip and looked to the side. “What will they think about us being together? ”

“That I’m a lucky bastard for scoring such a hot woman.”

She smiled the tiniest of grins but it was there.

“I have nothing to wear.”

“Jeez, if I had a dollar for every time a woman said that I’d be a millionaire...or should I say billionaire.”

“Shut up.”

I chuckled and tugged her against my chest. She had this crazy pull I couldn’t resist it. “You look fantastic in your nightshirts. And those tight as shit black jeans you have that cling to your ass, and that silver tunic thing you have does unspeakable things to me.”

She snorted and pursed her lips. “Has anyone ever told you, you talk bollocks?”

“Regularly.”

She laughed. “Little shit.”

“Little Walrus,” I replied, chuckling when she stamped her foot, barely missing my toes. Tonight was going to be interesting. I couldn't wait.

“Ayup! Laddo’s finally turned up,” shouted a stocky, short haired man. I smiled and offered a feeble wave.

“Finally.” Another man laughed; he had bright ginger hair styled in a trendy mess of random spikes and rather handsome green eyes.

“This little thing is Louise, she’s Eve’s sister.” He placed his arm around my shoulders so I dug my elbow into his side. The men shared a look and smiled. It was like secret guy code or something.

Johan laughed and kissed the side of my head. Both blokes eyed him then looked at each other with puzzled expressions.

“We live together,” I said, regretting the way that sounded when both of them looked at Johan smirking. “He’s my housemate. Annoying, but he pays rent, so what can you do?”

Damien Lewis look-a-like laughed loudly and slapped Johan on the back. “I like her. You single, sweetheart?”

“Yes, and
very
pregnant.” I grinned when he looked down at my stomach.

“No...she isn’t single, but still very pregnant,” Johan interrupted and placed his arm around my shoulder. “I’m taking her off the market.”

“What?” I asked incredulously. “What am I, a frigging car?” I placed my hands on my hips and threw him as much sass as I could.

He laughed, bloody laughed at me.

“So whose round is it?” Johan asked, ignoring me.

“Yours!” Both blokes said in unison.

I smiled and winked, liking these two instantly.

“I’m Liam by the way, our boy here has no manners. And this ugly thug is Alex.”

“
Please
, just because you’re saddled with a wife and kid—”

“You better not be talking about me, Alexander?” Chided a woman from behind us. I turned to see a stunning Asian woman, I’d guess mid-twenties, with an astonishing figure and gorgeous brown eyes. She wore a pale blue sundress and the most amazing silver heels.

“Hi, I’m Dyesa.” She held out her hand to me, I took it with a smile.

“I’m Lou.”

She cuddled up to Liam and when he looked down at her, it was as if his entire world had just arrived. His friends, Liam, Emily, and Alex all worked at Ealing Pharmaceutical as well. So basically I was among brainiac science nerds tonight.

“Wait!” I gasped and everyone turned to look at me as if I’d lost my mind. “Didn't you just have a baby?”

“Yeah, George.” She looked up at Liam, then back at me. “He’s with his grandparents tonight, so you’ll have to excuse me if I keep disappearing to use the phone.”

“You’re kidding me, how the hell did you get a figure like that after giving birth like a week ago?”

She laughed and shook her head. “He’s nine weeks on Tuesday.”

I wanted to slap her for being so perfect. In the most friendliest way possible,
obviously
.

“Christ, I need to know your secret. Snappy chat here already calls me a walrus,” I said, pointing my thumb at him.

Her jaw dropped open and she glared at Johan.

“Because she snores, not because she...Jesus, I didn't mean that.”

“Rule 101, my friend.
Never
mention or comment on a woman’s weight. She’ll either kick you in the balls or douse your pint with rat poison. Both will kill ya.” Liam winked at a dumbstruck Johan. He turned and headed to the bar. I smiled at Dyesa and winked. She covered her mouth with her hand, and her shoulders trembled as she suppressed her giggles.

Johan returned with our drinks and refused to make eye contact with me. He chatted to the others but he wasn’t his usual
charming
self. He sat on a stool to my right, whilst I was sitting against a booth beside Dyesa.

“Hi. Mind if I join you?” cooed a sickly sounding, blonde haired woman at the side of him. Despite the blonde, her roots suggested she was a natural brunette. She ran a manicured finger over Johan’s shoulder and into his hair. He pulled away, there was a flash of fear before he turned and fixed her with a scathing look.

“No!” he snapped and even I flinched at his tone.

“Oh come on, you know I’m more fun than these people. We had a great time last week.” She was completely hammered or she would’ve understood the
fuck off
vibe the rest of us were giving her.

“Shit!” I heard Liam, at the other side of Dyesa. When I looked at him in confusion he shrugged and leaned over to whisper to me.

“This happens a lot. Women like him, but they get absolutely nowhere and the more they try the more pissed off he gets.”

I frowned because that really didn't seem like the Johan I knew. He was a natural flirt.

“Johan,” I said quietly. He snapped his attention from his fascinating beer bottle to look at me.

“Who’s this?” snapped the blonde.

“None of your business,” Johan replied. “What’s up?” he asked me.

“Hmm.” She snorted and stood closer to his side. “You his girlfriend? I haven’t seen you with him before.”

Johan’s jaw ticked, but what hurt more than anything was the terror in his beautiful eyes. I never would have understood that before, but after everything he’d said to me, I knew where the pain came from. He dreaded being touched. I hated he was feeling so insecure.

I stood up and heard a cacophony of muttered curses behind me.

“Yes, I am his girlfriend,” I said firmly. “I’m also pregnant with his kid. You haven’t seen me because he usually leaves me tied to the bed. But my Master allowed me to come out tonight because I was
extra
good.” I winked at Johan and turned to the others. “Another drink,
Master
?”

I didn't wait for answers. Instead I walked away with my head held high. Raucous laughter echoed behind me, and I heard Dyesa saying she’d found a new best friend. 

I stood at the bar tapping impatiently at the scarred wood. The music was thumping and I felt old with the young bodies jumping around; I was certain half the kids in this club hadn’t even left high school yet, either that or I was looking way older than twenty-four. And not to be a prude but I had knickers that covered more than some of the skirts in this place. I jumped slightly when a hand slid around my waist and a hard chest pressed against my back. His warm masculine scent wrapped around me, soothing me.

“Why did you do that?” my favourite hunk asked.

“Because she was making you uncomfortable and I hated that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“
Fear
. I hated it and I don’t want anyone to put that look on your face, especially not a hopeful skank.”

“I feel ashamed,” he said into the crook of my neck.

“Being as good looking as you are
should
be a sin. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, she’d have fucked off once you opened your mouth and she realised what an annoying little shit you are.”

I felt rather than heard him chuckling behind me. “You have such an eloquent way with words.”

“I say it how I see it. Usually anyway. I'm no blushing virgin, Johan, you’re a good looking bloke, you’re not in a relationship. So I’m pretty certain you’re free to explore
the blonde.
You wouldn’t be cheating on anyone, so why feel ashamed?
”

“
I feel ashamed because I hate that sort of thing, I can’t...I didn't do anything with her. Last week we danced, she got
touchy,
her hands were every-fucking-where and I couldn't deal with it. Being a freak who can’t enjoy the
comfort
of a woman is something to be ashamed of.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at him. He looked off into the distance, but what he was seeing wasn’t in the club. He was far away, a place I seriously dreaded him letting me into, because the more I saw of Johan the more I realised what hidden horrors were beneath his gorgeous smile.

I decided the best way to bring him back was to be sassy and blunt, usual Lou style.

“
Please,
she definitely wasn’t something to get upset about. Besides, you prefer mouthy brunettes.” I pointed to myself then held up a finger. “And I can guarantee my collar and cuffs match.”

When he frowned, not getting my meaning, I laughed and pointed to my head. “She was a bottle blonde. Down south not so much.”

He scowled, then his dimples appeared before he burst out into deliciously deep laughter. He tugged me to him and wrapped his arms around me.

“I think I’ve found my soul mate.”

My stomach did a giant flip.“Oh, and who might that be?”

“A sexy little brunette. Who’s apparently carrying my love child.” He tickled my sides and chuckled. “I’m going to try this
alpha male
shit all you women are going crazy for lately.” He squared his shoulders and I couldn't help but laugh.

“Do I seriously look like a woman who would put up with that crap?”

“You interrupted, you can’t interrupt the macho.”

“Shut up.” I laughed.

“Yes, dear.” His dimples sunk deep into his cheeks. I wanted to lean into him and lick them; they should come with their own health warning.

“Don’t look at me like that, Lou.”

“Like what?”

“Like...” He pointed at me with his index finger. “You want to lick me like a Popsicle on a hot summer’s day.”

My cheeks heated but I laughed. “You seriously need to work on your poetic crap.” I turned back to the bar with a huge smile on my face. My body heated to volcanic proportions.

His hands slid around my stomach. “How’s my little buddy doing? Is he enjoying his first night out?”

“He’s hungry. But then I suppose I need to cut down on the pregnancy munching.”

“I didn't call you a walrus because I think your
overweight,
I was joking about the snoring. I swear.”

I turned in his arms. “Is that why you’ve been sulking?”

“I don’t sulk.”

“I don’t snore.”

“Yes—” I covered his mouth with my finger. He pulled at my wrist.

“She looks stunning, how do you look that great straight after pregnancy? I look like a bloody
walrus
and this little one hasn’t even finished growing yet,” I said, nodding in Dyesa’s direction. I noticed a familiar, petite blonde haired woman sitting with the group.

Johan rolled his eyes at me. “I need a pregnancy book or some advice on this crap, because tell me, is freaking out so much normal?”

“I am not freaking out.” I huffed.

“Yeah you are, sunbeam. Ooh, I like that one. What do you think, my little sunbeam?”

I scrunched up my face at him. “Why do I need a nickname? What are we twelve?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well, it’s better than
neurotic-over-emotional-highly-strung-grumpy-walrus.
”

“You know how I was shocked earlier when you said you haven’t been on a date before? Not so shocking anymore.” I turned back to face the bar. Was it sick that I really enjoying our little verbal sparring matches?

I shivered when his mouth pressed gently against the sensitive skin behind my ear.

“Before you were pregnant, Louise, I imagine you were breathtakingly beautiful, but pregnant you’re radiant. And I know that sounds corny but you have this life growing inside you, and when I look at you I can’t describe how it makes me feel. I've never felt it before, but calling you beautiful isn’t enough. You are beyond that. You’re utter perfection.”

Butterflies took flight in my entire body, even my fingertips tingled with a need to touch him.

“Thank you,” I whispered. I don’t think he could hear me over the music but it was out there.

His lips pressed against my neck and I closed my eyes. “So sunbeam, you see, you’re stuck with me. Because I’m not letting another man claim you. You’re mine, you may argue with me, but it won’t change anything. I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth to be with you.”

I turned and curled my arms around his neck. “What if I don’t want to argue?”

His lips turned upward. “That would be a first.”

My mouth dropped open and he laughed. He pressed his lips to mine and I forgot all about what he was saying.