Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (14 page)

“Johan,” I said. It came out in a pathetically low whisper. I stepped into my room and reached for the light. My hands were shaking so much I could barely flick the switch. My senses were on such hyper awareness the click of the switch hurt my ears. Then I heard an almost inaudible scratching sound. I leaned over to look at the far side of the bed. The floor space was empty. Again I turned to leave, to go check Eve’s room, when the soft scratching happened again.

Oh Christ, please don’t be a mouse.

I looked around for something to use as a weapon. I picked up a deodorant can and held it above my head. I walked around the bed and the noise became a little louder the closer I got. I lowered myself to my hands and knees and started lifting the valence sheet. I lifted it enough to peer under, tilted my head down and—

Heart wrenching, blood curdling screams came at me. I threw myself against the wall, scrambling backwards. I clutched at my stomach protecting baby bean as the screams continued. I curled into the corner of my room and covered my ears. When I finally registered
who
was screaming I crawled across the floor and peered under the bed again.

Curled into a tight ball was Johan with my nightshirt clutched to his chest, his eyes closed, his body so tense he looked like he might implode at any moment. I realised he was actually asleep, the screams were the result of whatever demons were haunting him.

Whatever was happening in the nightmare was painful, horrific. I dropped my upper body as low as I could and crawled under the bed, reaching out to touch him. His entire body locked up when my hand rested on his arm. His eyes snapped open; he looked frightened and wild. I was trapped in his stare. 

“Johan, honey. It’s Lou, come back, sweetie. You’re safe. You’re safe.” His eyes never wavered, he didn't blink, I’m not sure he was even breathing. He just locked eyes with me and froze. “Honey, it’s Louise. Your having a nightmare, it’s just a dream. I’m not here to hurt you.” I wiped at a tear rolling down my cheek as I gazed at the terror in his eyes. Slowly, his face twitched, his eyes focused, his brow furrowed. And suddenly
my
Johan came back.

“Lou?” He spoke in such confusion I wanted to weep.

“It’s me. Can you come out here?” I asked softly. I shuffled away to encourage him and give him some space. I had no idea how his large frame got into such a tiny space. I waited and waited, but he didn't appear. So I moved to lift the sheet when he reached from under the bed and slowly he emerged. He looked grey, sweaty, so mystified. I didn't hesitate, I wrapped myself around him. We moved to sit on the bed. I crawled into his lap and wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I pulled his face into the crook of my neck and held him to me.

“I thought...you scared me so much. I thought you’d done something...with the pills and the drink.”

He clutched at my skin, pulling me tight against him, I could feel his heart thrashing inside his chest, his breathing erratic, his skin moist with sweat. I pulled away to look at him. I swept his hair away from his brow. I cupped his cheek and stared into his eyes.

“What happened?” he asked.

I tilted my head to regard him, frowning slightly, but when he looked around the room as if completely lost, I started to explain. He nodded as if understanding.

“I don’t, this is why I don’t...” He took a deep breath. “The pills. They’re for when things get out of hand and I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t want you living with my shit so I went to see my therapist and explained what had happened. She said I needed to sleep properly.” He shook his head and laughed without any humour. “I told her this would happen.”

I ran my fingers through his hair, listening.

“I don’t sleep. I nap, I sleep on the couch or in the chair so I don’t fall into a deep sleep so...so
they
don’t come. When I take the pills this shit happens.” He motioned towards the bed. “I thought if you were out with
him
, you were unlikely to come home. So I thought I’d take one. I can’t take this shit anymore. I panicked I’d use them again so I flushed them. I’m a fucking freak without the pills, and with them—”

“Stop! I’m begging you to stop calling yourself that. It hurts me here.” I put my hand over my heart. “It hurts me, Johan.”

He swallowed and shook his head. “I never want that, I never want to hurt you. That’s why I tried to be normal. I
want
to be normal. I thought if I slept, if I took the pills again. They’re supposed to make me normal.”

“Honey, you
are
normal.” I held his face in my hands. “You’re
my
kind of normal.”

A tear ran down his face as he stared into my eyes. “
He
always comes when I take the tablets, Lou. I can’t escape him, I run but I can’t run fast enough.” He spoke through choked sobs. I wasn’t sure who
he
was but a cold shiver ran down my spine warning me I didn't want to know.

I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. His body trembled against me as I rubbed my hands up and down his back.

“Stay with me tonight. In here,” I said. When he pulled back to look at me I added quietly, “I’ll fight your nightmares.” I felt immediately ludicrous for saying it.

He titled his head to the side. “You would do that?” The reverent way he said it made my heart flutter, and everything Eve said finally made sense. I fit perfectly, exactly where I was, with who I was with. Johan was my other half, my missing piece.

We laid down on the bed. He nestled behind me and slowly wrapped his arms around me. His warm breath tickled my skin, his nose ran soft circles around the nape of my neck.

“Is this okay?” he asked in a husky voice.

“Yeah.”

He shifted slightly, tucking his knee under my bottom, cocooning us together. He slid one of his hands down my stomach to rest over my bump, whilst the other held my hand against my chest.

“Night, Lou,” he said softly, before placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.

“Night.”

We laid in each other’s arms, fully clothed in the dark. His chest rose and fell slowly against my back; I was hyper aware of every twitch and movement he made.

“I’ve never done this,” he said in a soft rasp against my ear and I trembled, closing my eyes.

I turned my head a little to look at him. “What’s that?”

“Held someone. I’ve never wanted to let someone in so desperately, to allow them to see
me.”

“You going to let me in?” I asked, hoping beyond hope he would say yes.

“I can’t keep you out, Lou, I’ve tried. But you’re like water, you penetrate through the tiny cracks, no matter how hard I fight it, you always win.”

The desolate anguish in his voice hurt so much. I turned in his arms and cupped his cheek. “I don’t mean to hurt you. If I...” I paused, fighting the lump in my throat “If I overstep the mark, tell me to back off. I will, I’ll leave you alone, I just hate to see you hurting. I want to be there to stop you from having to fight what’s in here alone. I don’t want you feeling alone.”

“That’s the problem, it’s safer for me to be alone. Why do you think I moved thousands of miles away from my family? To protect them from my fucked up life. To stop what happens to the people I love when they get close.  And now I feel like I need to run from you.”

“I beg you not to run.”

He pressed his forehead to mine and let out a shaky breath. “You’re the light I’ve been desperately seeking. It would kill me to see it fade.”

I brushed my lips against his. “I’ll be your lighthouse if you need me to be.”

I turned in his arms, wrapped them around me, pulled him tight against my back. We fell asleep holding one another. Together, we kept the nightmares at bay. 

Rescued by an Angel

Chase Dermont Junior III

8 Years Old

Boston Massachusetts

“Mom, seriously, the kid freaks out if anyone tries to get near him,” Will said.

I didn't like the panic in his voice.

“He’ll be fine, and don’t think I have forgiven your part in this, Willem Senior. I’m simply storing that information away until I’ve sorted this out.”

“Mom,
please
listen to me.”

Footsteps on the stairs grew closer. I curled into a ball under the bed.

“Jesus, what is that smell?” Will said. I knew what the smell was, I’d just gotten used to it.

“Will,” his mom whispered but I could hear her.

“Has he...?”

“Shush.”

The room was quiet for a while, then four feet appeared in my line of site. I could see ten painted toenails peeking under the sheet hanging from the bed and larger feet covered in bright white socks.

“Sweetheart, I’m Will’s mom. Can you come out please?” she asked kindly.

I liked her voice but I promised Ryan I wouldn’t come out, I promised I would hide until he came back for me.

“Mom...”

“Shush.” She hushed Will and continued to talk to me. “Chase...”

“Call him Jo,” Will interrupted again.

“Willem, will you be quiet?”

“I’m just saying the kid doesn’t like being called Chase, it’s a curse of some sh...rubbish. Ry calls him Jo.”

She let out a huff, then knelt beside the bed. I still couldn’t see her face, just her knees. Her hands rested upon them.

“
Jo
, sweetheart, can you come out here and talk to me? I want to tell you about Ryan. He’s in the hospital.” She waited. I didn’t crawl out.

“Your grandpa has been taken into police custody for hurting Ryan.” She waited again, I think for that news to settle in. “So there’s nothing to be scared of.”

“Little buddy, listen.” Will’s head popped into view under the bed. “It’s me, Will. I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you. Remember Ryan said you can trust me. I
promise
you can trust my mom. I know our deal is that I don’t come up here but—”

“What?”

He ignored his mom’s question.

“But Ryan
told
me to come up here and check you were okay. And I can’t go to the hospital if I can’t
see
that you are okay. You know Ry would kick my ass. Plus I brought you your favourite soda. And I have some candy today. What do you think?”

“Will.”

“Is Ryan okay?” I asked quietly and heard his mom take a noisy breath.

“Yeah Jo, he’s doing great. He’s banged up pretty bad, but maybe we could arrange for you to see him.”

I shook my head and pulled the blanket over my head, my body shaking. “I can’t leave here. They’ll know,” I whispered.

His momma’s knees shuffled away as Will lay fully on the floor facing me. “Your gran...Chase is in the police station. He can’t hurt you no more. Ryan kept his promise, little buddy.”

I peeked out of the blanket, and shuffled along the floor a little closer to him. I whispered so his momma wouldn’t hear. “I wet my pants....and...and...”

“Doesn’t matter, Jo, we can get you some new pants. My momma is real good at laundry.” He smiled. “Wanna go get your candy? Bet you’re hungry. Maybe we could make some pancakes, what do you think?”

“I like pancakes.”

“Me too.” He turned his head towards his mom. “Can we have pancakes, Mom?”

She didn’t answer straight away, and I thought she was going to shout and tell us no. Grandma Violet hit me upside the head the first and only time I asked for pancakes instead of raisin bran.

“Do you want butter or syrup,  Jo?” she asked softly.

I froze, I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t been given the choice in so long. It was Momma who used to make me pancakes, I hadn’t had them since she left me.

“What about if I put both out and you choose?”

I smiled, then hid it behind my hand. Will grinned. “I like both, little guy. Come on, buddy. Let’s get something to eat, I’m starving.” He slowly reached his hand out to me, waiting for me to hold it. After a moment or two, I reached out and grabbed onto him. I crawled out from under the bed and into Will’s lap. He didn’t move at first, then his big arms wrapped around me and held me to him.

“He’s gonna be fine, Jo, I promise.”

“Who’s going to keep me safe if he’s in hospital?” I asked, scared the
monsters
would come get me again. I wanted to beg him not to let them get me.

“Me, and my parents. I won’t let them take you away, buddy. If they try we run again, okay? But you gotta trust me until Ryan comes out the hospital, okay?”

I nodded. I lifted my hand to move his floppy blond hair away from his eyes. He had the brightest yellow hair I had ever seen. He laughed and stood with me in his arms.

“Come on, let’s get you changed.”

Soon I was sitting at the table, staring at a huge pile of pancakes, a plate of bacon and biscuits. I pressed my side against Will so I knew he was there.

“Would you like a biscuit, Jo?” His momma asked. I nodded and eyed her as she came around the table towards me. I curled closer to Will and he held up his hand to stop her.

“I’ve got it,” he said. He grabbed two biscuits and some bacon and put it on my plate and poured some sausage gravy over it. I stared at my plate until I felt Will nudge my elbow. He nodded to my plate and smiled.

I started eating quickly until my stomach ached a little, then I slowed down. I piled my fork and as I brought it to my mouth a big blob of gravy landed in my lap. I snapped my eyes to Will’s mom terrified she would punish me for it and take the food away.

She simply chuckled. “Will does it all the time.”

I lowered my head and continued eating, I wasn’t sure if it was a trick and she would punish me later, but whilst I ate I rubbed at the mark on my shirt. When I looked up again, his momma was watching me with glassy eyes. She looked like she was about to cry. I felt bad that I’d made her cry.

“Sorry,” I whispered and placed my knife and fork on the table.

She shook her head. “No, sweetheart, you continue eating. I just...” She held her hand to her heart. “We will keep you safe. Here with us, no one will hurt you.”

Will’s big arm came around my shoulders and pulled me to him. “See, what did I tell you, little guy?”

I nodded, but I still wasn’t sure what to think. She seemed kind enough, but I would wait until Ryan said she was okay.

“Mom, Jo needs some new clothes, those in there don’t fit him. Little guy is getting tall.” He nudged into me again. I sat up taller, pulling my shoulders back because I wanted to be taller. Jace was younger than me and he was much taller, and that wasn’t right.

“We can do that. But maybe we should go out of town, so no one...” She frowned, appearing thoughtful. “Just so people don’t ask questions about us buying the little one’s clothing.”

Will nodded.

“Maybe we can buy you some swim shorts too so you don’t have to go in the pool in your underwear.” Will laughed when my cheeks burned bright red.

“Do you like to swim, Jo?” his mom asked softly. I looked up at Will and he nodded gently, telling me it was okay to answer.

“Yes ma’am.”

She laughed softly. “Anesu, sweetheart...You can call me Anesu, or Ane. My husband calls me that, and my
friends
.”

“Okay.” I couldn't help smiling because she sounded so nice. And I liked I could call her Ane if her friends called her that.

“I think you’re going to be such a special friend to have.“

I jerked and dropped my fork, then jumped from my chair and started to run for the stairs. I heard Ane calling for me, but I ignored it and ran as fast as I could. But it wasn’t fast enough because big strong arms wrapped around my waist and lifted me from the floor. I beat my tiny fists against his hard chest but he just held me closer.

“Buddy, she didn’t mean it that way. She...listen to me, Jo, look at me,” he demanded. The stern sound of his voice scared me. “Look at me, please.”

I kept my head bowed but looked up at him through my lashes and tried to hide behind my bangs.

“Listen, no one will hurt you in this house, I swear it.
Special
in this house means magical, nice, and happy things. Not pain. I promise there is never going to be the kind of
special
Chase gave to you.”

I heard his momma gasp behind him. I lifted my head to peek at her over his shoulder. She had her hands to her mouth.

“She’s nice,” I whispered to Will.

“Yeah, she’s the best,” Will said and hugged me to him. I wasn’t sure if I liked being held by Will. He made me feel safe, but I don’t know if it was right to be like this. So I wriggled in his arms for him to let me down. We returned to the table and finished our pancakes. Ane watched as I ate and kept refilling my juice and adding pancakes when I wanted more. She let me eat until my stomach was full.

***

It was dark outside again. Will had to go back to school tomorrow, he was at the same one as Ryan so he explained he wouldn’t be home for a few days. He promised to come home during the weekend. Ryan was still in the hospital and I hadn’t seen him yet. Will said Grandma Violet knew where I was but she didn’t want to come get me.

I curled under the bed and wrapped the sheet around me. Sometimes at night it got real cold, but Ryan said not to use the heater or the hot water because they would find me. I shivered and snuggled farther into the sheet. I froze when I heard soft footsteps coming up the stairs.

Will promised no one would come get me, he
promised.
I closed my eyes and curled into such a tight ball my muscles hurt.

“Jo? It’s Ane. Where are you honey?” Her soft voice made my muscles relax, but I didn't answer just in case it was a dream and the monsters were pretending. I opened my eyes and I could see her sandaled feet peeking under the bed.

“Jo?” She sounded scared.

“I don’t like people coming here,” I whispered, and I heard her gasp.

She walked away and a light came on. Then she returned to kneel beside the bed.

“Sweetheart, what are you doing under there?” she asked. I didn't answer, I wrapped the sheet around me because it was getting colder.

She let out a long breath and shook her head. “You are allowed to sleep on the bed.” When I didn't answer, she stared at the floor; I could see she was thinking about something. Then she surprised me by laying on the floor like Ryan and Will did. She started humming a tune to me and it sounded so beautiful that I fell asleep listening to her.

The next few days were the same. I stayed under the bed hiding. I wasn’t afraid to go to the toilet though, so I would run to the bathroom and run back to my hiding place. Ane called to me to say she had brought me some breakfast and lunch, then at supper time she brought different meals. Tonight she brought me a pizza, a whole pizza just for me. She never brought me soda though, but I always had a glass of milk.

At night she would sing to me. She would lay on the floor and hum the same tune and I would fall asleep. She had given me a pillow and a thick comforter to have. She kept saying I was allowed to sleep on the bed but I didn't. I would be found if I slept there.

“Jo, do you think you would like to come up to the house tonight? You could sleep in a guest room, or if you felt better, in Will’s bed.”

I shook my head, I didn't want to go up there.

“Okay, sweetheart.” She let out a long sigh. “What about if you sleep on the bed?” I started to shake my head when she spoke softly. “I will stay with you, I can sleep beside you or downstairs. I have a story to read to you,” she added gently. She slid her hand under the bed towards me, but didn't touch me, just reached out and held her hand there, waiting for me to take hold of it.

I waited for her to grab me, or hit me, but she didn't. She just waited. I un-tucked my hand and reached out to touch my fingertips to hers. I slid my small palm against her hand; it didn't feel like Ryan’s. It was soft and small.

“An angel has sent you to me, Jo. A piece of my heart was missing but now I have found it in
you
. I won’t hurt you. If I hurt you, I hurt myself.”

“Ryan says my momma’s an angel,” I said without thinking.

“Then your momma sent me to you, and you to me. We have to promise to keep each other safe.”

“I can’t keep you safe,” I said sadly. I was too small to fight the monsters.

“I’m giving you my heart, honey, and I need you to promise you will protect it. Keep it safe.”

“How can you do that?” You couldn't give someone your heart, the lady was crazy.

She laughed softly and I liked that sound.

“Because, Jo, I am going to love you. And when you love someone you give them your heart, you trust them not to break it. I’m trusting
you
with my heart. “