Suburgatory (15 page)

But the ladies say his looks come second to his “thrilling” and “provocative” honesty. Bandar said, “One time he walked right up to me, while I was talking to someone else, and he just blurted out, ‘You have the most beautiful breasts.' Then he immediately looked worried, and I wanted to touch him on the arm, but you know, I know he flinches a bit, so I held back. He was so cute. He said, ‘I'm sorry, I don't have much of a filter, do other people tell you that you have beautiful breasts?' I said, ‘Not enough of them, honey!'”

Geri McGovern had her own sizzling encounter.

“One time I was sitting next to him while waiting for Carter to get out of physical therapy. We were talking about our pasts and he just abruptly launched into this little speech about puberty: ‘Do you remember when you were a teenager and you just had that surge of sexual hormones, and you could just feel that sexual drive coursing through your veins, pump pump pump, like you didn't really know what you needed but whatever it was you really really needed it?' By the time he was done, oh God, I was seriously breathless.”

His candor and unusual talent for detail and memory also make him an incorrigible gossip, which the moms love. Said Bandar, “He'll always remember which parent was shit-faced at the school benefit or the time he noticed that Gina's skirt had changed between drop-off and pickup and the whiff of cologne on her, which he said he knew was Karl Wagner's [not Gina's husband]. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of gossip!”

But McGovern doesn't think he's a gossip, exactly. “You know I was thinking about it and he's not really a gossip because to be a gossip you have to
know
you're not supposed to say something, and say it anyway. But Mark, he doesn't know he's supposed to zip a lip. So he's totally blameless shoveling all that great dirt at us. And we lap it up.”

But perhaps Toomey's most unlikely selling point involves his “special interest,” which is an obsession with a single topic: Oprah Winfrey. While Winfrey's show has ended, she is still a subject of fascination to the moms at pickup, who grew up watching her.

“He's like a walking Oprah bible. He can tell you what the audience got at the “Favorite Things” episode—every single year they did it. He knows every detail behind the Tom Cruise couch-jumping thing. But the best is that he has a
spreadsheet
that tracks public records and the fates of everyone who has ever appeared on the show. So you want to know whatever happened to that horrible crackhead mother or the Klansman who came out as gay, he might just have it. Oprah shoulda hired that guy,” said McGovern.

While Toomey will tell you anything you want about Oprah, he is not forthcoming emotionally, which is typical for many with Asperger's. This hasn't deterred the moms. “Oh, no way! He maintains the mystery,” Bandar said. “You know,” she added, “he has a lot of trouble, no surprise, with eye contact. But when he
does
make eye contact? It's like a few seconds of pure magic.”

And what does Toomey say about all this? He shifted a bit uncomfortably and didn't look this reporter in the eyes, but said, “I haven't had it so easy my whole life making friends. My wife saved my life but next to her, these moms are the best things that ever happened to me. Well, them and Oprah.”

Woman with Eating Disorder
Considers Meth

Suburgatory, USA—A church drug-awareness program has backfired in spectacular fashion for a mom who has long battled an eating disorder.

Janet Gosling attended a session on drug addiction in the community, which included a harrowing anti-drug photo collection called “Faces of Meth.” It shows in frightening detail the physical toll that meth abuse takes on a body, tracking mug shots from habitual users over time.

“Now, ladies and gentlemen,” said session leader and police officer Bill Barry, clicking through the befores and afters. “As you can see, meth simply ravages people who once had bright futures and leaves them diminished and often deformed.” There were audible gasps in the room.

Gosling was one of those gasping, but not for the reasons Barry intended. Gosling has long wrestled with an eating disorder and body image dysmorphia, which she actually considers a “gift” from what she calls “thin God.” Janet sat with her friend Debbie Flander.

Debbie:
Oh my God. Nasty.

Janet:
Right . . . yeah . . . wow. Um . . . but . . . look how thin that one got.

Debbie:
But Janet, she has sores covering her face. Oozing sores.

Janet:
Oh yeah, I guess that's bad but you know, there's always a product for
that.
Try laxatives and see what that does to you—that stuff is poison. Works like you wouldn't believe, but you end up dribbling poop uncontrollably. This cop should be talking about
that
stuff.

Barry clicked on the “before” image of another abuser.

Janet:
Look at that fatty! She musta been 135 pounds. No wonder she felt the need to abuse drugs.

Debbie put her hand to her forehead as Barry clicked on the “after.”

Janet:
Now look at that. See, she's totally normal now.

Debbie:
Janet, she looks like a zombie ghoul about to come and scoop out your brains for breakfast.

Janet:
Oh, I think these people are so amazingly high that they don't even remember what breakfast is. Imagine that.

Barry described the woman's fate. “This abuser lit her trailer on fire when her home meth lab exploded. She lost everything.”

Janet:
Well, at least she can go buy some new “thin” clothes! Debbie, stop it, I'm just kidding! I mean, sort of?

Barry chose a final woman to illustrate meth's degrading effects. She now suffers from so-called “Meth Mouth,” in which the constant use of meth causes catastrophic effects to the oral cavity.

Janet:
Look at how sculpted her face is now! She started out looking like Rosie O'Donnell and now she looks like a thinner Maria Shriver! So dramatic.

Debbie:
Yeah Janet, a toothless, wild-eyed, sore-scratching Maria Shriver.

Janet:
You know, bulimia rots your teeth, too. It gives you horrific breath and burns up your GI lining. We all pick our battles in this life.

As the presentation ended, Janet went up to thank Officer Barry for his outreach and said, “Which parts of town are known for selling meth? I . . . I . . . really want to make sure I keep my kid away from those places.”

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Dad Pretends IKEA Is
Child Cultural Enrichment

Suburgatory, USA—A local dad was outed for pretending IKEA was a culturally enriching outing for his son.

Peter Marello lost his job eight months ago and is now the primary care provider for his four-year-old son James Patrick. Marello admits to being “kinda lost” and one day, on a quest to find a garlic press, he made his first-ever visit to IKEA. He found a lot more than he bargained for. “They have free childcare, food that doesn't break the five-dollar mark, clean bathrooms, and nice people. And of course, modern Swedish design at quality prices. Life's just a lot brighter and shinier at IKEA.”

How did his regular IKEA pilgrimages begin?

“It sort of evolved . . . how I started going so much.” Marello said sheepishly. “At first, I made a list of those little odds and ends you need but never buy—the new silverware tray, new knobs for the bathroom, new curtain rod—but then I just bagged the list and said, ‘Fuck it.'”

Now they go a few times a week, with Marello dropping James Patrick in “Smaland,” IKEA's free child-care drop-off and what James Patrick actually thinks IKEA is called. Then Marello finds a comfortable spot in the store's vast cafeteria and sits down with his bottomless coffee and iPad. If no children are there, he switches the TV channel to ESPN to catch up on the scores; a few IKEA associates usually join him for that.

When James Patrick's child-care hour is up, Marello retrieves him and they visit parts of the store that James Patrick has named: the “Land of a Thousand Bedrooms” and “Magical Forest,” where they play hide and seek among the artificial plants. They finish their visit with a cinnamon bun and a quick chat with Stephen Marsden in Returns and Exchanges, who especially loves James Patrick because his own grandchild lives hours away. “Sometimes if my wife works late we go for Wednesday Rib Night—it is off the wall cheap and James Patrick loves the Swedish meatballs,” said Marello.

But he doesn't tell his wife, Jill, a busy corporate executive, where they go for ribs. Instead of admitting that he and James Patrick have unofficially joined the IKEA family, he tries to avoid detailing their outings, or, when pressed, says that they were attending a “museum of Scandinavian design and culture.” Then James Patrick adds, “It's called Smaland.”

Marello was outed, however, while at the home of friends Marisa and Joe Mucha, empty nesters Marello used to work with. While catching up, they asked Marello what he and James Patrick do together during the day and James Patrick immediately said “Smaaalannd!” Marello quickly described Smaland as a “small museum with a focus on Scandinavian design and culture,” and hoped that would be the end of it. “Wow, Scandinavian design and culture? That sounds totally random, but these days I guess there's a museum for everything,” said Marisa.