Suburgatory (18 page)

Did these attacks upset the Metzners? Jeremy Metzner snorted, and said, “No. We're tough Jews.” And is Josh going to miss being around his Jewish brethren this summer? He said, “I'm going to be with my best and favorite Jews in the whole world,” pointing to his mom and dad.

Dr. Drama

“When life hands you a problem, let's make it more interesting!”

Dear Dr. Drama:

I know this is going to sound really awful but I recently dealt with a painful breakup with my husband, at the same time that my single mom friend says she found the love of her life. “He's great with the kids, he's great in bed, he's got a great job, you name it, he's The One.” Meanwhile I'm stuck in this suburb that has only about five single mothers, tops, and I'm suddenly the saddest loser around. I can't deal with the resentment, and I feel like a terrible person for even feeling this way. Any advice?

—Jealous in Suburgatory

Dear Jealous:

Wait,
you
feel bad? Your
friend
is the one who should feel bad, because if there's anything I've learned in my many decades on this horrible rock we call Earth, it's this: Happy couples need to
shut the fuck up.
Now if they are teenagers, I give them a pass. If they're so unattractive that this is their first, crazy-making burst of love, fine. But any average suburban person over the age of thirty? If they haven't figured out how much pain their joy causes 99 percent of the rest of the world, well, they are about two baby steps away from sociopath.

Don't feel bad, Jealous. Just be patient. That happy will be gone by the time the snow flies and you and your friend will be back together saying “shut the fuck up” to the next clueless couple shmushing their eternal love in your face. Because we all know eternal love has a shelf life shorter than the box of your kids' Go-Gurts in the fridge.

New Atheist Bigger Asshole
than Old Catholic

Suburgatory, USA—In a stunning development, our community's so-called New Atheist has out-assholed the Old Catholic.

“Yes, I definitely didn't think this was possible,” said Brian Marooney, who judged this afternoon's clash of assholes at the Community Comes Alive! town event.

“Those Old Catholics are the worst. They try to explain away pedophile priests. They defend that psycho scumbag Mel Gibson. But still, those New Atheists, man, what else do they do other than think up new dorky ways to call five billion people around the world morons?” said Marooney.

“New Atheists” are a relatively recent addition to town and the broader community of non-believers. They strike a militant tone compared to “old” atheists, on what they say are the evils of organized religion and belief in general. But in doing so, many, though not all, have adopted a sarcastic attack-dog method, with slogans like “WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.” and “Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.”

And so the clash of assholes at Community Comes Alive! began with the New Atheist and the Old Catholic sitting side-by-side at adjacent booths, though not communicating.

“That boy needs a good haircut and a draft card,” said Old Catholic Gerry O'Connor. “Dad, they don't have draft cards anymore,” said son Bob O'Connor, who insists he's not an Old Catholic, just keeping an eye on his dad, “who wanders off sometimes.” What does Bob O'Connor believe in? “I attend the Church of Don't-Give-a-Shit,” he said.

Gerry O'Connor festooned his booth with photographs of mangled fetuses and featured pamphlet material on why radical homosexuality, not criminal pedophilia, was the cause of the priest abuse scandal. He began a discussion about how “a few poofs and queers and that Lady Gaga should go back into the closet and slam the door.” O'Connor continued, “Not seen and not heard. Those poofs and queers made our wonderful priests look like monsters.”

Judge Brian Marooney said, “Wow. That was really bad. The New Atheist is going to have to bring it.”

Ethan Barthold, who has tattooed a New Atheist “A” on his arm, was ready for the challenge. “People who don't want their beliefs laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. We feel sorry for the theists, but my patience with their stupidity has come to an end. If they were capable of rational thought—and the jury's out on that one—then maybe they would see the evil that their feeble-minded delusions cause.”

Barthold's booth had a banner touting “National Idiot Outreach Day,” and it featured various ironic and sarcastic attacks on people of faith such as
Atheists—Winning Since 33 AD; No Gods. No Mullets; JESUS SAVES . . . You from Thinking for Yourself.

“Whoa, this is a really tough call,” said Judge Marooney. “I mean, that Old Catholic really is hateful, but he is sort of sad, like, stuck in an Archie Bunker time warp. But that New Atheist, I mean, he's just a complete asshat. So I'm going to say, after careful thought, that the New Atheist has out-assholed the Old Catholic.”

Marooney did say to take his judgment with a grain of salt. “I'm an atheist and I think people like Ethan are hurting the cause. If they spent half as much time doing charity outreach in the name of atheism as they did thinking up those ridiculous insults, and gotchas, then maybe we'd be getting somewhere. How do they think evangelicals took over half of Latin America?
Charity.
Part of me wants to be wrong about atheism just so I can see God smack that smirk off Barthold's face. Watching that dude be wrong for an eternity? I'm there. Oh my God, look!”

Marooney pointed at Barthold's sign,
Athiests—­Winning Since 33 AD,
but realized Barthold had misspelled “Atheists” as “Athiests.”

Marooney laughed hard and said, “A is for Awesome.
And
Asshole.”

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Mom Discovers
The Sociopath Next Door

Suburgatory, USA—After reading the book
The Sociopath Next Door,
an area mom identified the sociopath, who is next door.

“It's Griffin! It's him in a nutshell, it's uncanny! I stayed up all night Googling everything you'd ever want to know about sociopaths!” said Mary Thibodeau.

The Sociopath Next Door
by Martha Stout takes the idea of a sociopath—usually thought of as a violent criminal—and expands it to include the everyday deviant who might be “next door”—your coworker, college roommate, or in this case, an actual next-door neighbor, Griffin Driscoll. The popular book spawned an army of armchair psychologists diagnosing those around them, and Thibodeau is just the latest.

“So here's more sociopath, psychopath, and narcissist stuff I found on Google:
‘Pecking order is extremely important to the sociopath. His outward appearance may be the picture of success with all the trappings of status aggressively and elaborately displayed. But his inner life is empty,
'
” read Mary from her iPad.

“Well, that would explain ‘The Rev,'” she said. That's what Mary and her husband Jim call Driscoll's habit of loudly revving his Porsche convertible each day in his driveway, a sound the Thibodeaus can only imagine is designed to attract attention to the expensive car.

“Yeah, well you
say
that annoys you, but you run out every time he does it just to look at that car,” said Jim.

“Not true! It's because I can't believe how rude it is!” Mary said.

“So this stuff was on a support group for wives of everyday psychos,” Mary continued. “
A sociopath will show little or no empathy and may lie to cover up his lack of feeling
—like the time that little girl from down the street got hurt on his property, and he did nothing and pretended he didn't see her even though I
saw
him strutting around half-dressed like a peacock on the deck.”

“Yep,” said Jim.

“
The sociopath, while perhaps not violent to people, may use animals to satisfy his thirst for causing pain.
Oh my God. The squirrel. Do you really think?” said Mary.

Mary Thibodeau was referring to a squirrel found on their property border that had been mauled to death in a way that, to Jim, looked highly unnatural.

“OK let me finish this paragraph from the support group:
A sociopath is often highly sexually appealing to . . .
” Mary abruptly stopped and turned red. Jim looked at her, grabbed the iPad, and finished “
. . . women!
” adding emphasis and drawing it out. “
The sociopath has a surface charm. And that can often be an aphrodisiac for women. Even to those who claim to find his behavior abhorrent.
”