Suburgatory (6 page)

So if she views Beck as a fascist, why does Tricia let her young son watch him? “Yeah it's a little nuts, I know. In my house, Jamie watches either news or kids' programming produced before 1980. And
only
kids' programming produced before 1980. Have you ever seen
Dora the Explorer
? As in actually sat through it? Talk about a fascist.”

SHOUT OUT

Casey Anthony Was Always Guilty
by Reason of Eyebrows

Maureen Bentley is a mom and part-time accountant who lives on Stratford Street.

Like every mom in America, I was disgusted and appalled by that “Not Guilty” verdict in the recent Casey Anthony let's-dump-my-toddler-who's-getting-in-my-big-slutty-way trial. Now I'm not some fancy lawyer or anything, but I've seen more than my share of
Law and Order
episodes, and I am mystified that the jury showed a complete disregard for what I saw as the clearest evidence of her guilt. And that was her intense devotion to eyebrow hygiene.

I'm really not a snap judgment person at all, and in fact I have served with integrity on several juries, including one where we sent a glue-huffing scumball to prison for burglary.

But the first time I saw that mug shot of Casey Anthony, I didn't need to see any more “evidence” beyond those over-coiffed eyebrows. I knew she was guilty as sin. No normal mother would have a daughter go missing and think to herself, “Hmmm, gee, my eyebrows are looking a little shaggy, better touch them up in front of my lighted mirror!”

Not to say that her eyebrows looked good. My eye-shaping genius Irina shuddered when she saw that mug shot because of how that “mom” butchered those eyebrows! Then the whole eyebrow thing got even crazier during the trial where she seemed to go on some wild, uneven plucking orgy. Here she is, still worried about her brow arch, while sitting in jail
not
potty training little Caylee and
not
waking up in the middle of the night, exhausted and pissed off like the rest of us worn-out mothers who don't kill their babies?

Come on, jury! A woman still worried about those brows while “grieving” a dead toddler? If that was me, my eyebrows would be as big as Borat's mustache. Frida Kahlo would have nothing on me! Why? Because I love my children and I'm not some piece-of-trash whore and neither are any of my friends. There have been times now and again when I've let myself go, you know why? Because I was too busy running myself ragged being a
great mom.

Rule of Law and Reasonable Doubt my ass. Get your act together, American Justice System, we're supposed to be a beacon of sanity around the world. Next time, look to the eyebrows.

“Intactivist” Mom Celebrates
Area Foreskins

Suburgatory, USA—A local “intactivist” mom has formed an unlikely alliance with a gay man who fetishizes the “uncut” penis.

“Circumcision is barbaric, an all-out human rights atrocity that we are inflicting on the most helpless among us,” said activist for “genital integrity” Tara Cote. “At first I was just plain angry. I put a homemade sticker on my car with a slogan:
People Who Circumcise Aren't Playing with a FULL DICK.
But a lot of people honked and gave me the finger.”

Cote said that experience made her change her tack. “Instead of guilting parents, I'm trying to show how natural and beautiful the foreskin really is. I'm still judging them, of course. I just don't tell them.” Isn't that hypocritical since Cote admits she had her first son circumcised? “No! I was uneducated, uninformed. There
was
no movement when I deformed my baby. Well, now there's no one that can say, ‘I didn't know.'” Cote's “reeducation,” as she calls it, came after her involvement with an influential Facebook campaign called “Fuck You, Keep Your Babies Whole.”

While trying to dispel the notion that foreskins “are stinky,” “collect cheese,” and “look sad,” Cote stumbled upon websites that glorified the foreskin, for example “Uncut, Uncensored” and “Hooded Heartthrobs.” From this, a fruitful political partnership was formed. “I found some fringe groups, but after I started chatting with them, they were talking about how vicious the Jews are and how they are controlling the world, it was really scary. So I'm so glad I found Libearache, which is what he likes to be called in the—what did he call it?—the ‘bears, cubs, and chubs community.' Don't call him Donald. He gets really mad, but that's his real name,” she whispered.

Libearache explained his advocacy. “You know when I'm in my comfort zone with my cubs and chubs, I talk about how succulent and fragrant a ripe, unwashed foreskin can be. But out here when I find these moms and moms-to-be, I just talk about how foreskins are God's creation and all that bullshit. And how circumcision is cruel and horrible and dangerous. Which it
is.
”

When some mothers asked Cote about Libearache's fetish-wear, which Libearache toned down considerably for his suburban audience, Cote replied, “Um, he's just . . . a motorcycle enthusiast.” Some moms were also disturbed that he was approaching pregnant women, saying, “May the foreskin be with you!” But others found Libearache an engaging presence, with Cote adding, “He can be a real chatty Patty when he wants to be and loves looking at the latest gossip on TMZ. He's fun!”

Cote is confident she and Libearache can convince moms of the horrors of circumcision even if they, like her, have already chosen it for their first child. “We can save the next one,” she said. What about the growing body of research suggesting circumcision reduces rates of STD transmission? “Oh, yuck! Look, gays are the only ones who really have to worry about that stuff and my kid's sure as hell not gonna be gay.”

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Swagger-Speak International

When your teenager learns a second language, you envision him or her taking a school trip to another country. Do you want your child to come across as a timid naif ready to be taken advantage of? Or as a proud American with all the swagger the world has come to expect and fear? Of course you want the swagger, you love your country!

And you can bet your bottom dollar “Monsieur Fitzgerald” at school won't have the balls to risk all that politically correct censure and teach the swagger-speak your child really needs. That's where
Swagger-Speak International
comes in! Our swagger-speak is taught by a veritable United Nations of tough-as-nails nannies and au pairs from around the world. And trust me, they love hurling these phrases at your bright American child; we barely have to pay them! No matter where your children choose to do their overseas college application-builders, they'll be armed with phrases like these, when visiting a pub or jostling for position in a train ticket “queue,” or on that African eco-safari!

In Polish:

On jest zasrany skurwysyn.

He is a shit-covered bastard.

In Mandarin:

Ciao Ni Zu Zong!

Fuck your mom!

In Swahili:

Mshenzi we!

You savage!

In Japanese:

Omae no Kaasan Sakana kusa.

Your mom has a bad fish smell.

In Russian:

Chto b ty provalilsia, mudak dolbanyi!

May you fall through hollow cunt!

In Swedish:

Ursäkta mig, men din fitta syns.

Excuse me, but I can see your pussy.

In Spanish:

Me Cago En Su Puta Madre.

I shit on your whore mother.

In German:

Du Saftsack.

You stupid bastard.

In Tamil:

KandaraOli - Cun-daara-Olee.

Slut . . . who sleeps with anyone.

In Arabic:

Air il'e yoshmotak.

May you be struck by a dick.

Now, as a concerned parent, you might fear that these phrases will get your child in a bit of trouble. And yet we've only had two “international incidents” . . . and consider the outcomes! One of our students got to meet Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and the other now has his own Wikipedia page! Think how impressive
that
will look for college admission. And isn't the small risk of a modest scuffle worth the pride that your child will feel as an American who stood up to an uppity foreigner on his
own turf
and using his
own language?
It's like the bluster of George W. Bush plus the globe-trotting know-how of Barack Obama. Call us at
Swagger-Speak International.
And remember, if you ever meet a real America-hating fuckwad in Bucharest, repeat after me:
Sa-mi bagi mana-n cur si sa-mi faci laba la cacat.
That will say to him, “Stick your hand in my ass and jerk off with my shit.” Now that'll show him who's boss!

Woman Shops at Wal-Mart
to Feel “Pretty, Thin”

Suburgatory, USA—An affluent local woman chooses to shop at Wal-Mart, not because of the low, low prices, but because shopping there makes her feel “pretty” and “thin.”

“Just get a look at this place! I'm like a total rock star here!” said Terry Gotlieb, who often feels inferior in her regular social circle at both the Temple Beth-El Sisterhood Social Group and the Junior League, because of what she calls her “fat giraffe body” and unmanageable “Jew-fro.”

“I just feel so relaxed and energized when I come in here. I can let it all hang out and still feel like a million bucks. “Hey, Fred!” Fred Upton, one of the store's many senior citizen employees, is Gotlieb's favorite Wal-Mart greeter. “That guy, he's the best. He knows all my kids' names. Always says, ‘Hi Sunshine! You look beautiful today.' You know, Fred has to take two buses to come work in this shithole?”

Upton, taking his break sitting in the store's blood-­pressure testing stall, was asked for his impression of Gotlieb. “Fat? She thinks she's fat? In my day, Terry'd be called a ‘tall drink of water.' I think she has a fine figure. Don't know where she gets ‘fat' from. She's the most beautiful Jew I've ever seen. But she's a sad lady, too. Her values are a little cuckoo in the head. You know, when I talk to her, I always feel so much better about my own life. So I love it when she comes in.”