Suburgatory (5 page)

“Well, smooth, hairless and clean, that's how I was born right? It was only after I turned into a totally out-of-­control trashy sin-crazy teenager that the hairy swamp monster appeared. I'm returning myself to God's original innocent, perfect vision.”

Tanner chose the salon where she normally gets her hair cut. She had requested that Cristina, who emigrated from Guatemala, do the waxing. “When they don't speak English, it's like they're not even here,” Tanner whispered. “I just thought it would make things more, you know, socially comfortable.”

Cristina warmed up the wax and asked Tanner what exactly she wanted.

Cristina:
Brazilian?

Tanner:
What? I'm
American.

Cristina:
Clean? You want clean?

Tanner:
Oh yes, clean.

As Christina began to apply the wax and started ripping, Tanner let the hot pain wash over her. “Wow. Regina sure wasn't kidding.” The waxing continued in speedy fashion and tears began to collect in Tanner's eyes. She said, “This was the right thing to do. I really understand suffering, better than I ever have.”

Once she was mostly finished, Cristina asked Tanner, “The back? You want the back, too? Backdoor?” Once again, Tanner was confused. Cristina struggled to explain that she wanted Tanner to get on all-fours to touch up the buttocks area. “Your husband, he like the butt?”

Tanner said, “What? I'm doing this for God.”

Cristina just shook her head and muttered “
Pinche gringo pendejo,
” which translates to “fucking American idiot.”

When Polly walked out, James Tanner was waiting for her. “Oh my God!” said Polly. “James never comes to pick me up at the salon! Look, he's so proud of me.”

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Lesbian Hamsters “Just Grew Apart”

Suburgatory, USA—A pair of lesbian hamsters has apparently separated, a development that has united a family once divided over the same-sex couple in their home.

“We are all crushed. First, Ellen and Anne, then Rosie and Kelli, then Melissa and Tammy, and now Trixie and Fuff, members of our
own family,
” said Flora Greenbaum, a longtime supporter of gay rights. She added, “Lesbian break-ups hit me hard. I mean, if lesbians can't make it, who can?”

Not everyone in the Greenbaum household was pleased, at first, to see the hamsters growing close. “My home is a judgment-free zone—you know, like Planet Fitness. All shapes, sizes, and backgrounds welcome at Chez Greenbaum!” said Flora.

But her husband David was not so welcoming. “Two days in, Hannah came running in and said ‘Look, Daddy, Fuff and Trixie are hugging like crazy!' And it didn't stop. They were glued to each other. Now, I'm a reasonable guy, I voted Obama. I'm not some homophobe, but no, I did not think my daughter needed to see that kind of thing at her age. And no, I was not going to have a ‘conversation' about it either. And did I want the neighbors to come in and see two girl hamsters dry-humping each other? NO.”

Flora Greenbaum vehemently disagreed, and returned the hamster cage to the house after David tried to put it in the garage. “I thought this was a great teachable moment for Hannah and I told David he can kiss my ass. I told Hannah that if a girl hamster falls in love with another girl hamster, they should have the same rights and freedoms and opportunities that
all
hamsters have,” Flora said, as Fuff frantically clawed the sides of the cage.

David tried to blunt this advocacy by challenging the very idea that Fuff and Trixie are actually gay. “Think about it this way. Fuff and Trixie are actually in
hamster prison.
They have no one but each other. Do you think all those guys on that show
Oz
were gay? No! They had no choice but each other.” David thought about that for a moment and then added, “Wow, you don't think Fuff was raping Trixie, do you?”

Despite David's reluctance to embrace the hamster's sexuality, he was slowly won over by their fierce devotion to Thor, Fuff's son from a previous relationship. “Don't even go near Thor—they'll totally turn Seal Team Six on you, I'm serious. I mean, they're better parents than those loser slackers we never see at Hannah's soccer games. You know, if hamsters had soccer you can bet those lesbians would be at every single game, cheering every single goal without fail. So yeah, I'll admit, I was a little sad when Trixie and Fuff started drifting apart.”

That happened, the Greenbaums say, a few weeks ago. Fuff started burrowing in the cedar bedding of the cage's right corner, while Trixie shuffled around listlessly and just leaned next to her wheel for hours on end. The only time their energy level seemed to increase was when they cared for Thor, separately, apparently trying to keep things as normal as possible for him.

Today the Greenbaums finally decided to take them to the vet. “I heard they give cats Prozac, so who knows what advancements there are these days for hamsters and mental health,” said Flora Greenbaum. They explained the situation to Dr. Phoebe Macul. Dr. Macul looked a bit perplexed and said, “I think you might be a bit confused. Hamsters are usually sold from the same litter. Trixie and Fuff are surely sisters. And Thor isn't Fuff's son—Thor's a girl and also their sister, but she obviously was born small and didn't grow any hair, poor little thing; they shouldn't have sold her to you. Actually, I'm shocked their mom didn't just eat Thor. Anyway, I'm happy to hear Trixie and Fuff were getting along, a lot of times hamsters tear each other apart. Even though they are drifting now, you've actually lucked out.”

The Greenbaums nodded silently and after a pause, David said quietly to Flora, “Sisters? So this was . . . incest?” Flora responded, “Oh my God, like
Flowers in the Attic.
It's sort of sad and sick but sweet. . . .” When Hannah Greenbaum asked, “What's incest?” Flora began to respond, until David raised his hand and said, “Don't. Even.”

Toddler News Junkie Thinks
Glenn Beck Is Kids' Show

Suburgatory, USA—A four-year-old news junkie recently helped Glenn Beck deal with the Mad That He Feels, something he learned from the late legendary child educator Mr. Rogers.

Jamie Baker watches various news programs with his mother and believes the newscasters are his friends. He especially likes Glenn Beck's show, which—because of its occasional use of props, cartoons, and puppets—he believes to be a kids' program. With Beck's “cozy” sweaters, as Jamie puts it, he even seems like Mr. Rogers. “But Mr. Rogers doesn't get mad and then cry like Glenn does,” said Jamie.

“Yeah, I sort of think it's a kids' program, too,” said his mother Tricia Baker, who is a Cultural Studies Professor specializing in Marxist and post-Marxist Teddyry. “I watch everything, including Fox News. No,
especially
Fox News. That's how I got pretty obsessed with Glenn Beck. I can't believe I am actually paying money to him now that he's off Fox and has this web-only thing. But it's nuts, totally crackers, and I just can't look away from that train wreck.”

“Glenn! Glenn!” said Jamie, as his mom began playing his nightly web program on her iPad.

But the child's face darkened as Beck began to discuss “the people who hate America.”

Jamie:
What's wrong with Glenn tonight, Mommy?

Tricia:
He's mad again, Jamie. You know when Mr. Rogers sings about “What Do You Do with the Mad that You Feel?”

Jamie:
Yes! “Do you punch a bag? Do you pound some clay or some dough? Do you round friends for a game of tag?”

Tricia:
Well, Glenn is working on using his words like you do at school, to get out the Mad that He Feels. He has a lot—a lot—of Mad he needs to get out.

Jamie:
Mommy, he is talking about “fascists.” What's a “fascist”?

Tricia:
Glenn is, honey.

Jamie:
But he doesn't like fascists! How could he be one?

Jamie petted Beck's head on the screen. “It's OK, Glenn. It will be OK. Everything will be fine!” Beck's commentary continued to escalate in intensity, until he abruptly shifted tone and began to tear up and cry. Tricia leaned out of Jamie's earshot and said, “You see? You couldn't make this shit up if you tried!”

Jamie was troubled. “Don't cry, Glenn! Ask your mommy for snack! Maybe you should go tinkle. You'll feel better!”

After a moment or two, Jamie said, “Oh look, he's OK. He's calming his body. Yay! ‘Adventures of Spooky Dude!'” Adventures of Spooky Dude is a cartoon that features financier George Soros, to which Jamie asked, “Why doesn't Glenn like Spooky Dude, Mommy?” Tricia said, “Because Spooky Dude gave a billion dollars away but not to Glenn.” Jamie took this in. “Oh. I like it when he gets out his blackboard or sits on his desk. He's just like you, Mommy. A mafessor!” At that, Tricia snorted. “Riiiight. Just like me. Professor Goebbels.”