Starfish Sisters (11 page)

We had so many planned activities that it was easy to
ignore Georgie for the rest of Saturday. It was also easy
as Georgie and Ace were hiding from me. It was so
obvious.

Sunday was a different story. We had a lot of free
time and I had to choose what I did and where I went a
little more carefully. I didn't want to seem like I was
looking for them, like I was some sort of hanging-on
loser. Ace would get tired of Georgie. She'd come back
to me.

During lunch Carla made an announcement: 'You
were all too tired last night to watch the expression
session we had yesterday afternoon. So we're going to
watch the video of it straight after lunch.'

'What!' Ace groaned.

Carla ignored her. 'It's too hot for you all to be
outside anyway and as you've noticed, there's no surf.
So straight after lunch in the rec room, please.'

Carla came into the rec room, whispered something to
Taylor and crept out.

'A bit of quiet, girls.' Taylor clapped her hands.
'You've had free time all day. It's time to concentrate
now. The air con's on so it's nice and cool.'

On the whiteboard Shyan wrote 'Forehand Snap –
Cutback' then underlined it with a red pen.

'We're going to start with the basic cutback, or
forehand snap if you'd prefer,' she started. 'Let's just
talk about the moves before we run the video and look
at the way you execute them.'

Ace came in through the side door. I saw Georgie
look at her and shake her head and giggle, trying to
make out like they were so palsy and knew everything
about each other. In actual fact, it was just Georgie
hanging around Ace like a bad smell. Ace just hadn't
figured it out yet. But she would.

'There are five main things to run through your
head when thinking about a forehand snap. Think
about what Hunter was telling you about on Friday
night. The way he explained you should preview the
wave and the move in your head like you're watching
it on a TV screen. See it in a positive way, like you can
execute each section perfectly. Close your eyes, girls,'
Shyan told us. 'Watch it in your head. See what you
have to do. How you have to prepare your body.'

When I closed my eyes I didn't see the wave I was
catching. I saw Georgie's face and the way she looked
when she said, 'I've seen a side of you that I've never
seen before.'

I squeezed my eyes tighter, trying to make her face
go away. But she wouldn't go away. Instead, she
pointed her finger at me, just like she'd done yesterday,
and shouted, 'She's a young girl a long way from home.'

Taylor gave me a nudge. 'Kia, don't fall asleep on us.'

'Huh?' I said.

Everyone had their eyes open except me.

'So, Tahlia, you say making a good bottom turn is
what you did first?'

Shyan wrote 'good bottom turn' on the whiteboard.
I hadn't even heard Tahlia speak. 'Next?'

'I lean my body away from the top of the wave,'
Jaime said.

'Me too,' Megan agreed.

'So the single words we'll use for these first two
moves are what? Kia?' Shyan stood there, her black pen
waiting. 'Kia?'

'Um.' I knew the words she wanted. I just had to
find them through all the junk in my head. 'Um? Is it
drive and lean?'

Shyan clapped. 'Glad to see you're with us. Thank
you.'

By the time it came to watching the video of our
expression session I had relaxed a bit. I'd become used
to the process of analysing one another's moves. Who
did what well and how this person could improve on
that move. We'd all had our turn of looking good and
looking not so good.

But maybe I had relaxed too much 'cause I wasn't
prepared for what I saw when Taylor pushed the 'play'
button.

'Hey, this is from the team relay.' Ace whistled then
nudged Georgie and they high-fived. Next Micki
would be in on the act. But actually, where was Micki?
My eyes scanned the room. There was no Micki.

'Hey!' Megan bellowed. She had the loudest voice of
any girl I'd ever met. 'Fast forward my moves, please!'

Everyone laughed.

I didn't. I sat on my hands and took a deep breath.
My heart was beginning to beat just a little faster.

My hands crept up to rest behind my head; then my
neck, across my chest, then back to my neck as the video
of Georgie played in slow motion, then in normal time,
then from the beginning to the end and back again.

I stopped counting at the sixteenth press of the
'pause' button. The sound refused to come up my
throat when we had to call Hunter's words in time
with Georgie's moves. 'Drive, lean, backwards
shoulder, snap, compress to maintain balance.' But I
kept a smile pasted on my face and at the end, when
everyone applauded Georgie, I made sure my hands
moved in time.

It wasn't even possible to go for a surf it was so flat. But
I needed to be alone; to get some space so I could try
and make my screaming head shut up. There was
always the bungalow but I didn't trust myself to be up
there alone.

I'd spotted Georgie and Ace walking towards the
gates, their heads stuck together like gossiping Siamese
twins. I bet they were talking about me; tearing me to
shreds as Georgie traded my secrets for Ace's friendship.

As always, I found myself back at the beach. The
water lapped gently like a bay. Every so often the odd
wave took a body boarder calmly into shore.

Jaime, Natasha and me lay on the sand reading from
Jaime's stash of magazines.

'Yuck, look at this girl. She got down to twenty-nine
kilos.' Natasha showed us a picture of a girl who looked
like the younger sister of the skeleton in our science lab.
'And then she started cutting herself when they made
her put some weight on. We have this emo girl in our
year and she is fully into that.'

'I don't know how you could do that,' Jaime said.

'Me neither,' I agreed loud and clear. 'That's the
most disgusting thing ever.'

'Oh, look at this picture!' Jaime said. 'He is thirty-five
years younger than his wife.'

'Gross!' I groaned.

'Hey!' Jaime pointed. 'Isn't that your dad, Kia?'

Walking down the beach were Dad and my little
brother Charlie, waving and calling.

'Great, a visit from the family,' I groaned, getting up
and going over to them.

Charlie gave me a hug. I squeezed his pudgy arms
and cheeks and nuzzled my face into his soft, baby
skin. If I could take him to bed at night like a teddy bear
I knew that I would never hurt myself again.

'Hi, Dad.'

'Are you missing us?'

'No.'

'You're missing me but, aren't you, Kia?' Charlie was
pulling at my arm. 'Bury me, Kia.'

Charlie lay down and began to heap sand over his
tummy.

'Of course I miss you, Charlie.'

'So how's it going?' Dad asked.

'It's been really good,' I told him. 'I'm learning
heaps, Dad. I'm really working hard on my moves. The
other day I stayed in for almost four hours straight.'

'I know, Carla told me.'

'Have you been up there already?'

'Just then.'

'Were you looking for me?' I asked. 'Sorry. We don't
have to say where we are during free time. It's not like
there's anywhere to go anyway.'

'I had to speak to Micki.'

Dad said it like it was the most normal thing ever to
drive an hour north to tell someone (who wasn't even
your own daughter!) something.

'I spotted you, Kia, didn't I, Dad?' Charlie said. 'I got
good eyes, don't I, Dad?'

'How come you had to see Micki?' The odd grain of
sand escaped my clenched fist. I watched my knuckles
turn from flesh to red. 'Dad?'

'Davo wanted me to give her a message.'

I wiggled some life back into my fingers. 'Why
couldn't he give it to her?'

'Because he couldn't!' Dad sighed. 'Okay? What
does it matter, Kia?'

I patted the sand around Charlie's neck. As if I was
interested in Micki anyway. 'So when you spoke to
Carla did she say how we were going?'

'She said the coaches are very impressed with all of
you.'

'How good was it getting into the top group?'

'I know. And with Georgie too,' Dad said. 'Sounds
like a conspiracy.'

'Did Carla tell you Georgie got a big score for one of
her waves?' Perhaps it was easier if I brought it up
instead of waiting for Dad to, 'cause I knew he would.

'She did,' Dad replied. 'And she even showed me the
footage from the relay.'

'Really?'

'She was very impressive.'

'Yeah?'

'Very, very impressive.'

It was just a matter of waiting till the lights were off and
everyone was asleep. There was nothing else left to do.
The bad thoughts wouldn't go away unless I made
them go.

I'd thought I'd been getting better but twice in one
week was almost back to my old ways. It meant I
wouldn't get to model our bikinis in the fashion parade
and that meant I'd have to come up with another
excuse. But I was tired. If I didn't deal with it, then I
wouldn't be able to focus on my surfing.

Georgie was on the other side of the room but her
snores were rumbling from her bed. Micki was asleep.
As the youngest, she was always the first one to crash.
Ace, I wasn't so sure about. She'd thrashed around a bit
and sat up and looked out the window a few times but
now she seemed quiet.

I turned my pillow lengthways and shoved it
further down the bed so it resembled a body. Heel-toe,
heel-toe, I crept without a single sound to the bathroom.
Once inside, it was automatic.

I took my towel off the railing, stepped out of my
drawstring pants and settled myself on the floor. Then I
put the towel under me and stuffed toilet paper
between my thighs and into the elastic of my undies.

The morning that Ace left me here, I hadn't been
very thorough. The relief hadn't rushed through my
body like it usually did. So tonight would be different.
There was no rush. No video analysis session to run to.

My nail scissors sat in the bottom of my toiletry bag.
I liked using scissors. The idea of a razor freaked me
out. I took them out and polished their blades on my
singlet. Slowly I breathed in and out, then pierced the
tips of the scissors into my flesh until the first bubble of
blood emerged.

For a second I waited as the feeling of peace landed
lightly on my skin. Then I dragged the blade along my
thigh. The tears made me blind. But I didn't need to
see. I knew this path well.

It was twenty-one past eleven when Kia went into the
bathroom. Somehow I'd known she was awake.
Sounds weird, but I could just feel it.

Kia hadn't said a thing about her dad coming up to
camp today. Maybe she didn't know or, more like it,
didn't care.

Patiently, and I was good at being patient, I waited
for Kia to finish brushing her teeth or whatever she was
doing. There was much to write in my diary tonight.
Even though it wasn't good stuff it kind of wasn't bad
stuff either. I was still here and I'd been sure – positive –
that they were going to tell me I had to go home.

It all started after lunch while I was on clean-up duty.
Megan had already bolted, saying she'd done her fair
share and didn't want to be late for the expression
session. I didn't either but someone had to finish the
wiping up or Brian would've gone feral.

The minute I saw Carla walk into the dining room I
knew something had happened. I felt it like a 'pop' in
my stomach. Then Reg came in after her and my
stomach crashed to my feet.

'Everything's okay, Micki,' Reg said. He could read
my face. Years of practice, I suppose. 'Everything's fine.'

'Go into my office,' Carla said. 'I'll just go whisper to
Shyan and Taylor to start without Micki.'

I waited till it was just the two of us to ask, 'What's
happened to Dad?'

Quickly, Reg said, 'He busted.'

The first thing that came into my head was,
At least I
got a week here.

'Someone found him sleeping on the footpath
outside the council building,' Reg explained. 'He was
stoned.'

The cycle of hospital, rehab and hope had circled the
best of my twelve years. I didn't know any different.

'I'm so sorry to have to tell you, Micki.'

'I only spoke to him two nights ago. He seemed . . .
good.'

I pressed my fingers against my lips. It was just habit.
I didn't cry about it anymore.

If I didn't ask Reg what time the train or bus left for
back home, then maybe he'd forget about it.

I watched my finger circle my mozzie bite scar, my
constant reminder of who I really was. 'So am I going
home now or in the morning?'

'Going home? You're not going home,' Reg replied. 'I
convinced him to go to hospital. Sorry, darl, I should've
said that first.'

'But, but, is it okay for me to stay?' Suddenly I was
confused. In my head I'd been going through my
drawers and packing my bags. 'I thought he'd need me
to go home.'

'He's going to be in for at least a week,' Reg said.
'There's no need for you to be there. I just wanted to tell
you in person that he's in hospital, rather than them
calling you or you trying to call him at home and him
not answering.'

My tears caught me by surprise. Quickly I wiped
them before Reg saw.

After I left Carla's office, I bypassed the video of our
expression session and headed for the beach.

Jake was tidying up the board hut. If I'd known I
wouldn't have gone in but he was way in the corner and
I didn't see him.

'Hey,' he said.

'Jake!' I jumped a bit.

'Are you okay?'

I tried to smile but it didn't come out right. Did he
know?

'My dad was an alcoholic.' Jake did know. 'A really
bad one.'

He came over and put his arm around my shoulders,
and as he did the sadness drained from my chest,
leaving a hollow shell. To let Jake comfort me I had to be
like that, or I'd start crying and what scared me the most
was that I didn't know if I'd be able to stop.

So while Jake hugged me and said things like 'It must
be hard' and 'From the moment I met you I knew you
were a special girl,' I stood there like a floppy doll with
only my skinny legs to support my emptiness.

*

Tonight the first line in my diary would be 'I didn't have
to go home!' All day I had imagined writing it in BIG
letters.

It was five minutes past midnight and I'd obviously
dozed while Kia had finished in the toilet and gone to
bed. So much for my discipline, of being able to stay
awake until the others fell asleep. I blamed it on the
exercise and sun.

I took my diary out of the pillowcase and, being
careful not to trip on Ace's ever-growing mound of dirty
clothes, tiptoed to the bathroom. I had a real knack for
gently closing the door and letting the handle go
without a sound.

When I saw her there sitting on the floor, I didn't
scream. I couldn't. My lungs clamped shut. Not even a
squeak escaped.

Kia held out her hand like she didn't want me to
come near her. But I had to.

My fingers gripped on to the basin as I edged
forwards.
Breathe. Breathe
, I told myself.

So badly I tried not to look but the red was there;
trickling down Kia's thigh, sliding into the little crease of
her knee.

'Kia?' I whispered, fighting the seasickness
churning in my tummy. 'Kia? What happened? What
have you . . . done?'

Concentrating on the line of starfish running up
the wall, I carefully got down on my knees and leant
over her.

My brain was blabbing at a million kilometres a
minute,
Keep your eyes on her face. Don't look down. Don't
look down
, while in slower than slow motion, Kia was
whispering and turning away: 'You can't tell. You can't
tell.'

The towel underneath her legs was stained.

She was clutching a roll of toilet paper. I prised it out
of her fingers and started pulling it to pieces.

'Kia!' Kia, come on!' She'd rolled herself into a little
ball. Gently, I turned her shoulders and steered her
around to face me. 'Come on. Let me help you.'

From my almost thirteen years of experience I knew
that for both our sakes, I needed to keep my voice calm
and soft.

I got the toilet paper and the corners of the towel and
pressed them hard against Kia's thigh. Apply pressure,
that was basic first aid. I could do that as long as I didn't
look down.

'Does it hurt?' I whispered.

'He doesn't love me,' Kia mouthed. 'I'm never good
enough. Never.'

'Of course he loves you.' She didn't need to tell me
who 'he' was. That conversation she'd had with Reg on
the first day of camp now made sense.

'He's your dad. He loves you. He tells me how much
he loves you and how proud he is of you. I promise.'

Kia's gaze fell down to my hand that was pressing on
the towel. Quickly, I went back to staring at the starfish.

'I'm okay now.' Her voice had become steady and
clear. 'I'm fine. Really.'

'I'm not sure,' I told her.

'Please don't tell anyone, Micki. Please? I won't do it
again, I promise.'

How often had I heard those words? Hundreds,
thousands of times?

Kia uncurled herself and sat up straight.

'I've been feeling really, really – you know, under
pressure here and I just . . . lost it. I don't know why I did
it.' Kia's voice was stronger but her jaw was trembling.
'Oh, I've never done this before.'

Kia lifted my hand and peered under the mess of
tissues. 'It's almost stopped,' she said. 'Can you hold it
again for a sec?'

Kia opened a toiletry bag and took out a tube of
cream and little strips of bandaids. Although I couldn't
actually watch what she was doing, I could tell by the
way her hands efficiently worked that she had done this
before. Maybe even many times before.

'Kia,' Ace said for about the fifth time, 'we've got yoga in
five minutes.'

But Kia answered by digging herself further under
the covers.

'Leave her,' I said to Ace. 'I think she was sick through
the night.'

'I thought I heard noises in the bathroom,' Georgie
said, stretching and touching her toes, 'but I fell back
asleep.'

On purpose, I moved slowly. I wanted to check on
Kia but I had to get the other two out of the room first.
Also, my tummy was still gurgly from last night.

Obviously not the worst bit about last night, but
nevertheless something I didn't want to do again in a
hurry, was cleaning up the blood that was smeared on
the floor and around the toilet. That's when my tummy
had really started churning badly. A few times I had to
stop and take deep breaths.

In the mirror, my skin had looked green like I was
some sort of amphibious creature that had just emerged
from a swampy lake.

Now, I could check my clean-up job in the better
light.

Kia was still a lump in the bed. Surely she knew it was
only her and me in the room now.

'Kia?' I said gently. 'Kia, are you okay?'

No movement. No sound.

'Kia? Are you coming to yoga?'

Quickly she snapped: 'I'd like to be left alone, please.'

I took the bloodied towel out from under my bed,
stuffed it into a plastic bag and left the room.

In the relaxation, at the end of the yoga class, Shyan
took us to the top of a mountain. Our mountain, she
called it.

'Stand at the very top of your mountain and look
down at the view.' After a few seconds she said, 'What
do you see? You're standing on the apex, way above
anything else. What do you see? Look around. Take in
the view. What's down there that you can leave
behind? You left your fear down there because you got
to the top. What else is down there? Visualise it. Name
it.'

Most of the time I felt stupid doing this kind of
thing – pretending to be standing on a mountain, when
you were really lying on the floor in a room with a bunch
of girls.

Maybe it was because of everything that'd happened
in the last twenty-four hours, but today I looked down
from my mountain and realised that at the bottom, way
below me, were two people: my dad and Kia.

Who knew what that meant? Not me. I only knew
how it made me feel: up here, I was free.