Somewhere Only We Know (17 page)

Callum sat nervously on the edge of the sofa, watching Kate, as she cleared away the coffee mugs from her last visitor. She had asked Callum if he wanted a coffee, but he was nervous and edgy enough, without filling up on caffeine too, so he passed.

He watched her closely
, as she moved with her usual grace. He knew she was nervous. Her hands were shaking and the skin on her neck had a slight red glow, the nervous rash she always got when she was worried or stressed out. Callum couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved, knowing she was as nervous as him.

When she returned from the kitchen, she sat on the armchair across from him and avoid
ed eye contact for as long as she could. Finally, when she could avoid it no longer, she allowed her eyes to drift up and met his crystal clear blue eyes. Once their eyes met, Kate could feel the old familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She could feel her face burn, so she quickly dropped her eyes back down to the safety of her hands.

“Kate, first
of all,” Callum began, as he nervously fidgeted in his seat. “I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour last night. It was unforgivable. I love you Katie, more than you could ever know, and well….it hurt to see you with that guy…eh… with Finn, but I swear, the last thing I wanted to do was upset you. Please believe me Katie, that was the last thing I wanted.”

Kate looked up at
Callum. The mention of Finn’s name, tightening her already knotted stomach. She thought back to the day before. She wished more than anything, she could go back and undo what happened. She knew it was a mistake to sleep with Finn. She liked him. She liked him a lot, but she knew in her heart she hadn’t stopped loving Callum, and sleeping with Finn was a huge mistake.

“I know you
said it was over last night, and I respect that.” Callum continued struggling to say the words. Kate could hear the nervousness in his voice. “But I just couldn’t leave it like that. I couldn’t just walk away without making sure you were okay. I think we have been through too much to let that be the last time we spoke.”

“Callum,”
Kate said, struggling for the right words to say. “About last night…”

“No, please
listen,” Callum interrupted her quickly. “Kate, I know I have hurt you and I have let you down. Truth is, I let you down, long before…well…before that night.”

Kate closed her eyes
, as the mental image of Callum with another woman, invaded her mind and her stomach heaved. Them touching, kissing, it was as clear in her mind as if she had seen them with her own eyes and it was so painful to think about. Then suddenly, the memory of her and Finn, came crashing into her head, replacing the images of Callum with some faceless woman. She remembered his touch, his kiss, even the words he said.

Kate remember
ed how, for the first time in so long, she felt alive. She slammed down those thoughts and tried to push them out of her head.

“I know, I can never begin to put right, all the times I let you down,
Kate,” Callum continued inching closer to her on the sofa. “I wouldn’t even know where to start. All I know is losing you, is like losing my soul. Without you, I am nothing. Kate, if you tell me that you don’t love me anymore, I will walk away and never bother you again.”

He rose up from the sofa and crouched down in front of Kate, taking her by the hands.

“But if there is even the slightest chance, you still love me,” Callum said, as he reached up and brushed away the tear that suddenly broke free, from her cheek. “Then I am begging you. Give me a chance to try and make this right. Let me make you happy again, Katie.”

Kate sobbed softly, as she leaned into Callum
’s touch, pressing her cheek up against the palm of his hand. She had missed him so much and she wanted nothing more than to let him take her in his arms, and give herself back to him, but she knew if this was ever going to work, there could be no secrets.

“Katie, talk to me baby,”
Callum said taking her face in his hands. “I know you love me, I can see it in your eyes.”

Kate looked up and let her eyes meet
Callum’s. She had never loved him more than she did, right in that moment. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“I slept with Finn,” she said, opening her eyes and looking at Callum. She held her breath
, as her words washed over him and her heart slammed against her chest when he suddenly dropped his hands from her face and stood up.

“You and him
…” Callum said, closing his eyes and trying to keep his breathing steady and even, despite the rage that was suddenly building inside him.

Every ounce of his being told him
, he had no right to be upset, but he was. He was angry and very hurt.  He closed his eyes and the image of the asshole guy, touching his wife, kissing her, invaded his mind and made his stomach heave. He turned away from Kate and paced up and down her living room.

“Callum, I’m sorry,” Kate said, as she watched him stalk up and down like a caged animal. Hot salty te
ars quickly pooled in her eyes.

“Did you sleep with him
, as pay back?” he asked, when he finally stopped pacing and turned back to looked at Kate.

“
No!” Kate exclaimed, completely floored by his reaction. She could feel the blood drain from her body, as a sudden fit of shaking gripped her.

“Then why Kate?” Callum asked moving closer to her. “Why him? Eleven months, you shut me out. You couldn’t bear
to let me touch you. You know this guy, five fucking minutes, and you…and him…”

Callum pushed his hands through his hair in sheer frustration, as he turned away from Kate once again. Kate rose to her feet slowly and took a step closer to Callum.

“Callum, I thought we were over,” Kate replied, trying to explain what had happened. “I hadn’t heard from you in days and I thought you had finally let me go.”

“YOU LEFT ME, KATE!” Callum snapped back. “I called you for days and days. I was sick with fear and worry. When James found you, I thought
, if I came here, I would make you see sense. Then I saw you with him.”

“Can’t we just forget about last night,” Kate replied.

“Not last night,” Callum said abruptly. “Last week. The night he came home in your car. I saw you both. I saw him kiss you. I had waited for hours for you to come home and when you did, he was with you.”

“You have been watching me all this time?” Kate asked feeling the anger build in her.

“No,” he quickly replied. He remembered that night, getting back to the hotel and reaching for the bottle of Jack Daniels in the mini bar. All he wanted to do was get lost in the bottom of his glass. “When I saw you both together, I… I went back to the hotel and got wasted.”

Kate didn’t reply. She thought of the countless nights she found Callum passed out on their sofa, the faith
ful glass and bottle of Jack was never far away.

Callum stepped closer to her and reached up as traced his fingers down her face.

“Kate, why are we pulling each other apart?” Callum asked his voice suddenly softer. “How have we ended up here?”

“Emily,” was all she replied.

“I know you miss her,” Callum said, as the tears danced in his eyes. “I miss her so much, I think my heart is going to burst with sadness. Please Kate, please I can’t lose you too.”

“
Callum,” Kate said, closing her eyes, the memory of what she had lost was too much to bear. She just couldn’t bring herself to think about Emily.

“Kate, talk to me,” Callum pleaded. “Please, stop shutting me out. We lost Emily
, but you never talk about it, you never talk about her. I need to be able to talk about my little girl without worrying I am hurting you.”

Kate
pinched her eyes shut tighter and let go of her grief. She finally let go of everything she had ever held inside her.

“I did this to us,” she sobbed, finally letting down the wall she had fought so hard to maintain for the last eleven months. “I told her that I w
ould get us out of there, but I didn’t. I let her down. I let you both down. She died and I lived. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I should have saved her. I was her Mommy, it was my job to protect her, but I let her die.”

“Do you think I blame you?” Callum asked finally seeing just how hurt and broken his beautiful wife was.

“Don’t you?” Kate replied. “Because I do, every time I look in a mirror, I see a failure. Every time you touched me, I couldn’t bare it because I had no right to be happy. I had no right to be loved because I destroyed our life.”

“NO YOU DID
N’T!” Callum shouted, completely stunned by her words. “Is that what you think I felt? That you let Emily die? Kate what happened was not your fault.”

“Then why does it feel like it is?” Kate cried softly.

“My God, Kate, all this time,” Callum said, as he wrapped Kate in his arms. “This is what you thought?”

She didn’t reply, instead she buried her face in his chest and cried.

“Sweetheart,” Callum said. “I am so sorry. If I would have known this was what you were thinking. God Kate, I would move heaven and earth if I could, just to make you happy again.”

“I’m sorry Callum,” she whispered against his neck.

“Stop,” Callum said, as he pressed his lips to her forehead. “It’s over Kate, all this, it’s over. We have to put this behind us. Start again. We have both made stupid mistakes, one stupid mistake. We need to put this behind us and move forward.”

Kate froze. She realised Callum thought it
had been one time with Finn, but it wasn’t. Her mind raced, trying to decide what she should do. Did she really need to tell him it was more than one time? She wanted to be honest, but she was scared. She remembered the expression on Callum’s face when she told him she had slept with Finn. She was afraid he would never forgive her for twice.

But she couldn’t lie. She needed to be honest.

She took a slight step back from his embrace and looked into his eyes. Straight away his expression changed and she knew he knew it was more than once.

“It wasn’t just one time, was it?” he asked, even though she knew he already knew the answer. Kate just shook her head.

Callum immediately released her from his embrace and took a step back.

“Jesus, Kate,” Callum said, as he turned away from her.

“Callum, I’m sorry,” Kate said, unsure of what else she should say.

“Kate, I know I fucked up,” Callum said
, as he began to pace up and down once again. “Shit, if I had just been the man you married, the man you needed. We would have never got to this point. I know all this, but I don’t know how I am supposed to deal with it.”

“Callum, I thought we were over,” Kate repeated once again. “I was lonely.”

“I get it, Kate,” Callum said, as he turned to face her. “Believe me, I get lonely, but I think I need time.”

“Time?” she asked.

“I just need time to get my head around this,” Callum said, as he picked up his jacket from the sofa and walked towards the door.

“You’re leaving?” Kate said, and her heart started to race in her chest.

“I just need a little time,” he said without looking up at Kate and she knew he wasn’t sure if this was something he would ever get his head around. Kate wondered was this the last time she would see him.

She wanted to beg him not to go, but she didn’t. She just stood there and watched him walk through the door, pulling it close behind him. And just like that, he was gone. Now it was her turn to be the one left behind.

She dropped down onto her sofa and, unable to hold it back anymore, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

When she had no tears left, she reached for a tissue from the box on her coffee table and blew her nose. As she reached for another, something caught her eye on the floor, peeking out from beneath her table.

She reached down and picked up, what turned out to be a stack of small envelopes held together by a rubber band.

She turned it over and was surprised to see her name written on the front envelope, in what looked like Callum’s handwriting. She pulled the rubber band of
f and leafed through the envelopes and discovered they all had her name on them and each had the date written in tiny writing in the corner of the envelopes.

She pulled out the earliest dat
e, which was dated just one day after she had walked out of the apartment in New York.

She held it for a moment, considering what she should do with it.

Finally, she decided she wanted to see what was inside. She slid her finger inside, she ran it along the seal, opened it carefully. She then slid the piece of paper inside of the envelope, out and unfolded it.

She took a deep breath and began to read.

My dearest Katie,

I have no idea where to be
gin with this letter other than to say, I am sorry.

I know that seems such a small word, but it is the only word I have.

I am sorry for not protecting you more. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for betraying you. But most of all, I am sorry for not fighting harder for you.

I should have never let you walk out yesterday. If I am honest, I didn’t believe you would leave and now I just want you back.

Where are you my love, please come home to me. You are my life. Without you I am lost. I am broken and only you can make me whole again. I love you Katie…

C xx

Kate wiped the tears from her face, folded the
paper and carefully slipped it back into the envelope then, picked up the next one. Once again she eased open the envelope and slipped out the paper from inside.

My dearest Katie

This is killing me, I need to know where you are, if you are okay. I have called and called, but you never answer.

I am sorry I hurt you, you must believe that. I am so lost without
you. You are my other half, my person, my everything. I just want this nightmare to end. Please come home to me. I love you more than the air that I breathe. I can’t do this without you. I won’t do this without you.

Katie
baby, please, come home….

C xxx

Kate couldn’t hold back anymore, she sobbed once again, completely crushed by his words, knowing she had done this to him. She opened envelope after envelope, reading each one through the tears that were falling freely.

By the time she read the last letter she was emotionally and physically drained. So
me of the letters were heart breaking, some were angry and scared Kate a little. He had reached such a low point in his life, he actually sounded like he was saying goodbye.

But he had picked himself up and come back to fight for them. And she just broke his heart again.

She was so angry with herself. She was so concerned with being honest and laying all their cards on the table. She never stopped to think the impact of what she was saying would have on Callum.

Suddenly, her phone started to ring and she quickly grabbed it, hoping it would be Callum. When she saw
Finn’s name flash on the screen, her heart sank.

With everything that had happened with Callum that day, she completely forgot about Finn. She had hurt him too. She held the phone in her hand and let it ring. The last thing she needed right now was to make everything
even more complicated than it already was, by talking to him right at that moment. She waited for her phone to stop ringing and she powered it off.

She curled into a ball on her sofa and
rubbed her tired eyes. She was worn out, completely and utterly. She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, her head racing with a million different thoughts.

*********

A loud bang on the front door, woke Kate with a start. She quickly sat up on the sofa, surprised to be immersed in darkness. Where had the day gone?

Kate brushed the sleep from her eyes, feeling a little confused. She jumped when she heard another loud thump on the door.

She quickly rose to her feet and turned on the lamp that was on the end table next to the sofa. Then she hurried to the door.

“About bloody time!” Olly exclaimed when Kate opened the door to find her and Leah
standing at her front door.

“You’
re here!” she exclaimed, as the tears burst free once again. She threw her arms around her two friends and cried. “You’re both here.”

“Of course we are here,” Leah replied hugging her friend tightly. “We are your girls, nothing could ever change that.”

“Oh, I have missed you both so much,” Kate said, trying to smile through her tears, as she stepped back and looked at her two friends again.

“You’ve lost weight,” Olly said with a worried expression on her face. “But we are here now, and we will
get you sorted out.”

Kate led her friends into her house and once they were all settled
in, and they all gathered on the sofa with a coffee and she told them everything that had happened, including Callum walking out that day over Finn.

“Wow!” was all both girls could say.

“I know,” Kate sighed and flopped back on the sofa. “My life is a freaking train wreck.”

“Oh, Kate,” Leah said moving closer to her friend. “Yes, it’s a little bit up in the air
, but you have been through a lot. A terrible thing happened to you, you lost your child. No one expects you to have your shit together. If they do, they are not really your friends. So fuck them.”

Kate was stunned by what Leah said. Leah never used bad language and always tried to put a positive spin on thing
s. This was so unlike her. Kate looked over at an equally shocked Olly and they both burst out laughing.

“What?” Leah asked, looking at her two friends. “It’s the truth. No one know
s how they would cope with what Kate has gone through. So, they have no right to judge her. Yes she slept with this Finn guy, but Callum cheated on her. What right does he have to be mad at her?” Neither Olly nor Kate said a word.

“He is just upset,”
Leah continued, getting up from the armchair where she was sitting and flopping down on the sofa, next to her two best friends. “Callum loves you Kate. He is just blowing off steam. He knows he has no one but himself to blame for what happened between you two, and that includes you screwing this Finn guy.”

“Okay,” Kate said sitting up and turning to her friend. “Who are you and
what have you done with my friend Leah?”

“Oh
, I am still here,” she laughed, as she reached for Kate’s hand. “I just can’t sit by anymore and watch you pull yourself apart. I love you Kate. You are like my sister. I just want to see you happy again.”

“Thanks Leah,” Kate said giving her friend a big hug. “I love you too.”

“Eh…what about me?” Olly asked, with a fake sob.

“We love you to
o,” Kate said pulling her other friend into a group hug.

It was after midnight before all the girls said goodnight and headed into their bedrooms. Kate into hers and the two girls into the spare room.

As Kate lay there in the darkness of her room, she thought about everything that had happened over the past few days.

She thought about Callum. She wondered where he was and more importantly, was he okay.
She could still see his face, when she told him she has slept with Finn.

Finn,
she thought with a sigh. How could she have been so stupid? She could see it coming from a mile away that she was going to hurt him. She should have never let him close.

A sudden
, loud knock on the front door, made Kate jump up in the bed with fright. She grabbed her dressing gown from the end of her bed and hurried out into the hallway.

“Who the hell could that be?” Olly asked in a hushed voice, as she and Leah emerged from the other bedroom at the same time as Kate.

“I have no idea,” Kate whispered as there was another loud knock on the door.

“Kate, please open the door,” Finn’s voice came through the door. He sounded strange
.

“Who is that?” Leah asked, as they all turned towards the door.

“It’s Finn,” Kate sighed.

“He sounds…drunk,” Olly said moving closer to Kate. “Should we call the police?”

“No, just go back to bed,” Kate said pulling her dressing gown tighter around her. “Let me deal with this.”

“We will do no such thing,” Leah said as she marched up to the door, pulling it open without missing a beat.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Leah snapped at a very shocked looking Finn. “It’s the middle of the night. People are trying to sleep in here.”

“I… eh… I was looking for Kate,” Finn said, totally thrown to have this strange girl standing in front of him.

He looked past Leah and his eyes met Kate’s and straight away she knew there was something wrong.

“Finn, what’s happened?”

“Kate,” he said, as tears glistened in his eyes. “Kate… It’s my dad.”

“Leah, it’s okay,” Kate replied. Leah turned to her, the
n back to Finn and then stepped back out of his way.

“Come in,” Kate said, then turned to her two friends. “Can you give us a few minutes?”

Both girls turned and reluctantly walked back towards the bedroom.

Kate sat on the sofa and watch
ed Finn as he paced up and down. Finally he looked up at Kate, and she could see his eyes were rimmed with red. He had been crying.

“Finn,” Kate said nervously. “Talk to me.”

He finally sat down next to her. He put his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands and took a deep, shuddering breath.

“My Dad is dying,” he finally said, as he lifted his face from his hands and fixing his eyes on the wall
in front of him. “He has cancer. He was told a couple of weeks ago. Kate, what am I going to do?”

Before she could say a word, he broke down and sobbed like a lost little boy. Instinctively Kate wrapped her arms around him and held him close to her, as she fought back her own tears.

He rested his head on her lap and let go of his grief. She knew words were pointless, so she simply sat there and held him while he released all the sadness he was feeling inside. She softly brushed his unruly hair with her fingers and let him cry.

Eventually, the tears stopped, but he didn’t move and neither did Ka
te. It was Finn that was the one to speak first.

“What will I do without my dad?” He asked sadly, not budging his head from her lap.

“You will grieve,” she replied, honestly. “You will feel lost and you will be sad, but you will be okay.”

“
I’m not so sure,” he sighed.

“Trust me,” she said. “
I know, right now it’s doesn’t feel like that, but you will.”

Neither said a word for a few minutes. The
n Kate spoke again.

“When I lost Emily,”
she began very cautiously, unsure if she wanted to pick at this scab, but looking down at Finn, she knew she need to. “I just didn’t want to be here anymore. I would go to sleep every night and pray that God would come and take me. Each morning, when I woke, for a split second, you know that moment between dreams and reality?”

Finn nodded, listening carefully.

“For that one moment,” Kate said, the tears she had been holding back, finally won their battle and trickled down her face. “Everything was perfect. My life was not a disaster. My little girl was not dead. But that moment would pass, and reality would could screaming into my mind. I would lose Emily all over again. It was too hard to keep going through it, day after day.”

Kate paused as the memory of what she was about to tell Finn filled her mind and made her heart ache. He suddenly sat up and looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

“About two months after we lost Emily,” Kate said, her voice now barely a whisper. “I had enough. So, I waited for Callum to leave for work one day. I sat down and I wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was. Then, I ran a bath, took a bottle of vodka, a bottle of pills and locked myself in the bathroom.”

“Jesus, Kate,” Finn replied.

“I don’t know why I locked the door,” Kate laughed. “No one was home, and it wasn’t like it was habit, I never locked the door. That day I did.”

“What happened?” Finn asked.

“Callum had forgotten some document he needed that day and he came back home. He assumed I was just in the bath, and he wasn’t going to disturb me, but he went to open the door, just a crack, to say bye again, like he always did. And like always, he didn’t expect me to answer. But the door was locked and he knew.”

“Wow,” was the only thing Finn could say.

“See Finn,” Kate continued. “I know grief, and I know what it feels like to want to give it all up. But, in my heart, I knew that day, something made me lock that door and something made Cal come home. I like to think it was Emily, because if it was, then she is still with me. Just like your mom, and then when the time comes, your dad, will be still with you.”

“Do you really believe that?” Finn asked.

“I have to,” Kate said with a smile. “It’s getting late, and tomorrow, you need to go and tell your dad it’s okay, that you will be okay.”

Finn just nodded.

“I don’t think you should be alone tonight though,” Kate said standing up. “I will make you a bed on the sofa. You can sleep here.”

“Thanks, Kate,” Finn replied, gratefully.

Kate went and got some bedding and made Finn up a bed on the sofa. Then she turned to Finn and kissed him on the cheek.

“Good night Finn,” she whispered.