Somewhere Only We Know (16 page)

Callum sat staring out the car window. He had barely said two words since he and James left the bar
, the night before. When he reached the hotel room, he grabbed his bag and immediately started packing his belongings.

James tried to
talk him out of leaving, but his mind was made up. He had done enough damage, he had hurt her yet again, by coming here, and it just showed him how much he had broken her. He needed to let her go and be happy. Even if it meant she was happy with Finn and not him

James insisted that he was returning to New York with Callum, despite Callum’s protests. They book
ed a flight for first thing the next morning.

However, now, sitting in the car on the way to the airport, Callum wasn’t so sure he was doing the right thing. He wished he had gone after Kate the night before, just to make sure she was okay and tell her he was sorry.

“You don’t have to do this,” James said, as if reading Callum’s mind, when they climbed out of the car at the airport. “I can change the flights and get us a new room in no time. You just need to give me the word.”

Callum thought for a moment, as he stood and stared at his
bag in the boot of the car. Was he doing the right thing?

Yes
he thought to himself.
I’m doing the right thing.

As h
e reached into the boot and grabbed his bag, his phone rang for what must have been the hundredth time that morning.

“Are you going to answer that damn thing?” James asked, tired of listening to it ring. Callum sighed and p
ulled it from his pocket. He saw Olly’s name flash on the screen again and he groaned. “Is it still that Olly girl?”

“Yes,” Callum nodded
, as he hit the reject button once again and slipped the phone back into his pocket.

“She is persistent
,” James laughed, as he pulled his bag out of the boot also. “You should just answer the girl. She is probably worried about Kate.”

As if on cue, Callum’s phone started to ring
once more. He pulled it out of his pocket and sighed, it was Olly again.

He took
a deep breath, before he hit the accept button and brought the phone to his ear.

“Hello,” he said and waited for the volley of abuse he knew he was about to receive from
Olly.

“WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING?”
Olly yelled down the phone, nearly deafening Callum. “Turning up like that, when she was on a date, and who the fuck is this Finn guy. Callum, why didn’t you call me when you found her?”

“Hello to you too
, Olly,” Callum replied and rolled his eyes at James, who was dealing with the car rental guy at the time. James nodded for Callum to follow him, when he was finished returning the car.

“
Callum, I’m in Dublin Airport,” Olly announced, knowing he was going to freak out.

“
Olly that is the last thing…” Callum began to protest but Olly cut him off.

“Kate called me,”
Olly cut in, knowing this would get Callum’s attention.

“When?” Callum asked
, as he stopped just as they reached to lift to take them out of the car park to catch the shuttle to bring them to the airport terminal. It just hit him, of course she must have been talking to Kate, how else would she have known about Finn and the fact he had just turned up in the bar the night before.

James stopped when he realised Callum was no longer following him. He turned back to his brother and gave him a curious look.

“She called me early this morning,” Olly explained. “It was still late last night, your time. She was so upset. She was talking about how she had fucked up everything. Of how everything that had happened was her fault. Callum, she was in a bad way. She asked me to come to see her. She said she needed my help, but she really didn’t say any more than that.”

Callum didn’t reply. He didn’
t know how to put in words what he was feeling.

“Cal, she still loves you,”
Olly said, sensing Callum was struggling.

“Did she say that?” he asked hopefully.

“She didn’t have to,” Olly replied. “I have known Katherine Kelly since we were four years old, I know what she is thinking most of the time, before she does. Callum, she is stubborn and thinks she knows what’s best for everyone. She thinks she is doing what’s right for you both. But she is miserable without you.”

“You don’t kno
w that,” Callum argued, but Olly shot straight back.

“Yes I do and I know in your heart, you know too. Where are you staying?”

“I am not staying anywhere,” Callum said as he leaned up against the wall outside the lift. I am at SEA-TAC. James and I are flying back to New York this morning.”

“WHAT THE FUCK, CALLUM?”
Olly screamed down the phone, almost deafening him. He quickly pulled his phone from his ear, giving her a moment to calm down before he continued the conversation. “Callum, you can’t leave. You need to turn your ass around and head straight back there. She needs you. Callum, she is falling apart.”

“
Olly,” Callum sighed, searching for the right words. “Kate has already fallen apart, then I took a sledge hammer and broke the tiny pieces of what was left of her. She was everything pure and simple, that was good in this world, everything I wasn’t and I destroyed that. Trust me, the best thing I can do is get on this plane and give her the space she needs to get on with her life.”

“That is
such crap,” Olly shot back. “You know what I think. I think you are a coward. For the last ten months you let her wallow in her grief, because it was easier than facing up to the one thing, neither of you could face. Losing Emily was a terrible, terrible thing, but she is gone. Callum, she is gone and she is not coming back. But Kate is still here. She is still alive, but she is hurting.”

Callum closed his eyes and didn’t speak. He knew
Olly was right, but he also knew he was right too.

“Callum, please,”
Olly begged. “Don’t walk away from her. Be the man she married.”

“Call me when you get to Kate’s,
Olly,” Callum replied, sounding suddenly cold and distant. “Let me know how she is doing.”

“You son of a bitch,”
Olly replied, stunned that the Callum she knew could be so cold and hard.

“Take care of yourself.” Without saying another word, he hit end on the call and looked at James.

“What now?” James asked, watching his brother closely.

“Now, I get on with my life,” Callum said to a shocked James. “
This was all a huge mistake.”

“Callum,” James said taking a step closer to his brother. “I know you don’t mean that. She is your Katie, your girl. She is the only thing you ever wanted in this world. How can that be a mistake?”

Callum turned and pressed the call button for the lift. The doors opened with a ping, a few moments later. He stepped inside and turned to James, waiting for him to follow him into the lift, but James didn’t move. He just stood, rooted to the spot, staring at his brother in sheer disbelief.

Finally, he sighed and stepped on to the lift behind Callum
, as the door slowly closed behind him. He looked at Callum expectantly, waiting for him to press the button. For a few moments, Callum didn’t move. He just stood, staring at the inside of the lift doors, his mind racing.

James watched him for a moment, then reached over and pressed the button. The lift jump
ed to life and began to rise. Callum let out a deep sigh and turned and walked to the back of the lift.

He was in such turmoil. Every ounce of his being was telling him, he was doing the right thing. She didn’t want him. She made that perfectly clear, and if he was honest
, he understood why.

He had let her down, in so many ways. When Emily died, he was so lost in his own grief, he
didn’t see how lost and broken, Kate was.

By the time he realised just how disconnected she had become, he had no idea how to make it right. He tried to reach her, reconnect with her, but she had put up her walls, so he never really pushed her.

That was his biggest regret. He should have tried harder, tried to reach her, but now it was too late.

At least, that was what his head was telling him. His heart was saying something completely different. He was longing to go to her, and plead with her once again to give him one more chance. A chance, he knew, he didn’t really deserve.

The lift came to a stop and the doors slowly, slid open. James was first to move. He stepped off, turning back to Callum and waited for him to move.

Callum turned around and looked at James with a strange look on his face.

“Cal, why are you torturing yourself like this,” James asked his brother, not knowing what else to say. “The only mistake you are making is walking away. I know this, so why? Why punish yourself like this?”

“I don’t know how to fix this James,” Callum
shrugged. “How do I make up for the last ten months? How can I make what happened to Emily easier for her to deal with?”

“You can’t,” James replied honestly. “That isn’t your job. Your job is simply to love Kate. Make her feel like she is still wanted and more importantly, still needed. Cal, she was Emily’s mother and she was with her when she died. The guilt she must feel is unimaginable.”

“But, I have never blamed her” Callum replied. “It wasn’t her fault.”

“I know
that,” James replied with a sad smile. “But does Kate?”

Callum stared at his brother for a moment and suddenly it all made sense. She blamed herself
for what happened and that’s why she closed herself off from him. She thought he blamed her too.

“I need to go back there, James,” Callum announced with a new urgency in his voice.

“About freaking time,” James said, with a big smile filling his face. He quickly stepped back on the lift and pressed the button. This time he was sure his brother was going to do whatever it took, to save his marriage and win Kate back.

Kate sat on her back porch, staring
out over her back yard, nursing a strong cup of coffee. She hadn’t slept a wink the night before. Instead, she spent the night pacing up and down, trying to figure out what the hell she was going to do with the disaster that was her life.

Sh
e had sobbed for almost an hour on the phone to Olly, the night before. She was so relieved when Olly said she would get on the next available flight and come over to see her. She knew whatever she decided, she would need someone with her because she just wasn’t strong enough on her own.

She drained her coffee, stood up and walked back into the house. She was just about to open the dishwasher, when the door bell sounded.

She froze and her heart instantly began to race in her chest. She knew it was too soon to be Olly, so that only left Callum or Finn, neither of whom, she really wanted to face at that very moment. The door bell sounded again and this time was followed by a knock on the door. Whoever it was, was persistent and wasn’t going away anytime soon.

Kate
put her coffee cup down on the counter and slowly walked to her front door. She paused and took a deep breath before she opened the door. When she came face to face with Jack, she was completely taken aback. Shock was quickly replaced by guilt, when the thought occurred to her that she hadn’t been to see him since the morning he told her he was sick.

“Jack,” she exclaimed, finally remembering she should actually say something. “Is something wrong, are you okay?”

“Can we talk?” Jack said looking Kate straight in the eye. Kate felt her stomach knot in nerves. He didn’t look happy and she had a pretty good idea why.

“Sure,” she said, as she stepped back and allowed him into the house, before closing the door behind him. “Would you like some coffee, I have a fresh pot made.”

“Coffee would be great, thanks,” he said as he walked into her living area, taking in his surroundings before sat down on her sofa. Kate quickly hurried into the kitchen, took two cups from the cupboard and poured out two coffees. She place them on the small tray that was sitting on the counter. She then put some chocolate chip cookies on a plate, put the plate on the tray and headed back into her living room.

“Thank you,” Jack said
, as Kate sat the tray down in front of him and handed him, his coffee.

“So,” Kate said nervously as she picked up her own coffee and sat down across from Jack. “How have you been keeping?”

“I am more tired these days,” Jack replied and took a sip of his coffee. “I guess that is to be expected.”

“Yes, it is,” Kate replied with a nod before tak
ing a small sip of her coffee. Neither said anything else for a couple of moments. Finally, Kate spoke again.

“Jack, I am really sorry I haven’t been by since last week,” Kate said, sitting her cup down on the table. “I really meant to call you but…”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Jack waved his hand dismissively. “Finn told me you have had a lot to deal with yourself, so there really is no need to apologise. Actually, that’s why I am here. I wanted to talk to you about Finn.”

“Oh,” Kate said, as she could feel her face suddenly burn with embarrassment.

“He came to my house last night,” Jack explained. “He was upset, he said he had upset you and that he didn’t know how to make it right with you.”

“Jack, what happened last night,” Kate said as she began to pick at her fingernails, nervously. “It wasn’t Finn’s fault. Jack
, what happened, well it’s very complicated.”

“He told me about your husband,” Jack said,
knowing Kate wasn’t going to open up, unless she knew he already knew more than she thought he did. “He told me everything.”

“Oh,” was all Kate could say.

“I know about your little girl,” Jack said, cautiously. “Emily. That was her name, right?”

Kate didn’t reply, she just nodded her head.

“My dear, sweet girl,” Jack said reaching over and taking her hand. “I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even try to understand what you have gone through. No parent should have to bury their child.”

Kate didn’t reply. She could feel her chest tighten
as her heart ached with pure sadness. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing.

“Kate, I didn’t come here to upset you,” Jack said squeezing her hand a little firmer. “That is the last thing I
want to do, but I am here because of Finn, in a way, I guess. Finn was so devastated over what happened last night. He is so angry with himself over what happened at the bar. He told me about your husband turning up and what was said.”

“Jack, I like Finn, I really do but…” Kate replied but Jack interrupted.

“Kate, I am not here to ask you what your intentions with my son are, if that is what you think,” Jack said quickly. “Finn is a grown up and that is between you and him. No, I am here because Finn was worried about you. He told me everything that has happened and I thought you could use a friend, right about now.”

Kate was speechless, she was sure Jack was here to have a go at her for making a fool of Finn, even though she hadn’
t meant to. She could feel the tears pool in her eyes and she quickly wiped them away, she was determined not to cry.

“Kate, Finn is a good boy, “Jack continued. “He is so upset over how things ended with you last night. He has no idea I am here, he would probably
murder me if he knew, but I know grief and I know love. When Finn told me about what happened, with you and him, and your past. Suddenly, everything became so clear to me.”

“Really?” Kate asked looking at the old man sitting in front of her. “I wish you could explain it to me, because Jack, I feel so lost and very confused right about now. This time last year, my life was perfect. I had a beautiful daughter I loved more than life itself. I had a husband whom I adored more than an
y other living soul in the world. One stupid moment and some asshole who was drunk behind the wheel of a car, and my life was torn to shreds.”

“What happened
to you was a terrible, awful thing,” Jack replied with a sad smile. “But it’s what happened to you, not who you are. You can’t let this define you.”

“I don’t know who I am anymore, Jack” Kate replied as the tears finally broke free and trickled down her face.
“And I don’t know how to even start to put my life back together.”

“You start at the beginning,” Jack said. “You start with you. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened to your little girl.
Finn told me about the accident and about the fact you blamed yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Then you have to learn to love yourself again, because, if you don’t love yourself, how can someone else truly love you.”

“Jack, what happened
with Finn,” Kate said, feeling the need to explain herself to Jack. “I never meant to hurt him, I tried to keep my distance, I really did. But I was lonely and he was so kind and sweet. I never meant to hurt him. I swear, that was the last thing I wanted.”

“I know that Kate,” Jack reassured her. “I knew that the night of my birthday,
and in time, Finn will realize that too.”

“I wish I could be the girl he wants me to be,” Kate said sadly. “I really like Finn, but…”

“But you love your husband,” Jack cut in. Kate thought for a moment. She thought about Callum, of him standing in front of her the night before begging her to give him a chance. She was angry, angrier than she had been in such a long time. Kate had wanted to tell him it was over and mean it, but as she said the words, she knew in her heart, she didn’t mean a word of it.

“Yes,” she replied honestly. “I love Callum more than anything else in this world, but I am no good for him.”

“And why is that exactly,” Jack asked.

“I let our daughter die,” Kate said looking Jack straight in the eye.
Saying that out loud was such a hard thing for her to do. “I was the one with her in the car that day, I tried so hard to get her out, but I failed and because of me, we lost her.”

“And y
ou think Callum blames you?” Jack asked and once again Kate nodded her response, unable to talk because of the lump of grief, logged in her throat, almost choking her. “Then why did he come here. Why did he come looking for you, if he blames you? Why would he come here if he didn’t love you?”

“I… I don’t know,” Kate sobbed softly.
She had no idea why he would still love her, but in her heart, she knew he did.

“Kate, the only person that is blaming you,” Jack said standing up and moving closer to Kate, sitting on the edge of the coffee table. “
Is you. You have to stop. Callum loves you, of that I have no doubt. Even Finn said, he could see it in his eyes how much he adored you, and how much he wanted you back.”

“What about Finn?” Kate asked, as Finn’s smiling face popped into her face and her heart hurt as she thought of what she had put him through.

“He is hurting, and he is licking his wounds,” Jack replied honestly. “He was very sweet on you, but he will get over it.”

“Jack,” Kate said, looking him straight in the face. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.”

“I know that,” Jack replied. “And deep inside, Finn knows that too.”

“Have you told him about…
” Kate said unable to finish the sentence. The thought that this kind, wonderful man, in front of her dying, was just too much for her to bear.

“Not yet,” Jack shook his head. “But I am going to
.”

“Good,” Kate said, with a smile. “They need time, Jack”

Jack stood up and smiled at Kate.

“I should be heading back,” Jack said as Kate stood up also.

“Can I call by and see you sometime?” Kate asked.

“You can call by anytime,” Jack replied
, then added. “You are always welcome in my home.”

“Thank you for dropping by,” Kate said as she followed Jack to the door. “I am grateful for your friendship, Jack. I have very few friends left.”

“Well you have me,” Jack replied as he reached for the latch on the door. “And you have Finn too, just give him a little time.”

“I will,” Kate promised him.

“Do me one favour,” Jack said turning back to face Kate before he opened the door. “Talk to Callum, you can’t keep punishing yourself or him like this.”

“I will, I promise,” Kate said. Jack smiled
, turned and opened the door. Both he and Kate jumped with fright to see Callum standing at Kate’s door, about to ring the doorbell.

“Kate!” Callum exclaimed nervously, not sure of how she would react to him standing at her front door.

“I will leave you to talk,” Jack said and turning back to Kate he added. “Listen to him.”

Before she could answer
, he kissed her on the cheek, turned and smiled at Callum, before he made his way down the front path.

“Kate, I am sorry,” Callum said when Kate turned back to him. “I know I am the last person you want to see but…”

“You’d better come in,” Kate said stepping back giving him room to come into her house.

Callum looked at her, almost in shock for a moment, but then a fain
t smiled crept onto his face and a look of relief. He nervously stepped passed Kate and walked into her house.

Kate took a deep breath before she closed the door. She knew no matter what happened now, however this conversation ended, it would be the first step on the road to the rest of her life.