Something Wild (23 page)

"That's for me to know and you to find out," she said instead.

By the time he finished eating, the rush had died down, and Penny was grateful to spend a little time talking with him. "By the way," he told her, "your new floppy drive and modem were delivered to the office this morning."

She gave a happy sigh. "It'll be nice to have my whole computer back."

"I can install the parts tomorrow night if you want."

"What's wrong with tonight?"

He grinned. "Well, tonight I have other plans for you, if you're up for it."

"I'm intrigued. Go on."

"I was thinking maybe we could do all
three
meals together today. You wanna have dinner with me at my place? Say, around five-thirty? I've barely touched any of the food we got at the grocery."

"Sounds fun."

"No. Fun," he informed her, "is what we'll have afterward, when I get to see that bra." He concluded with another wink, then rose from his stool and said, "See you tonight," on his way out the door.

She let out an enormous lovestruck sigh when he'd gone. Still smiling to herself, she reached for a rag to wipe down the bar, and caught sight of Grace watching through the window from the building's lobby.

Penny felt the blood drain from her face and knew she looked guilty as they made eye contact. How long had she been standing there? How much had she seen? Neither of them waved or smiled. This couldn't be good.

As Grace moved to the door of the pub, Penny envisioned how she and Ryan must have looked, giggling and whispering and flirting.
Please, please don't let her know what's going on.
Yet even as she wished it, she knew it was futile.

When Grace approached the bar, Penny braced herself, the ugly feeling of being caught at something ricocheting down through her.
I've just lost Ryan's job for him.

"Hi," Penny choked out as Grace's small green eyes met hers.

Grace pushed up her glasses. "I came down to tell you Martin just called."

She'd finally heard from him herself just yesterday, of course, but for some reason, Penny couldn't have been more stunned if Grace had said the Queen Mother had phoned. "Oh?"

"He's flying back late tonight and will be in the office tomorrow morning. I figured you'd want to know."

"Of course," Penny said, absently wiping the bar and nodding. "Thanks."

With that, Grace started to leave, and Penny's heart began to lighten with the unbelievable. Maybe Grace
hadn't
seen anything and Penny had imagined all this discomfort.

Before she reached the door, though, Grace turned around. "Penny, I don't mean to stick my nose into your business, but…"

Oh no. Here it comes.

"I saw you in the park the other day."

Penny's heart sank like a brick.

"And I saw you just now, too. I don't know the whole story, and I don't have any idea what you plan to tell Martin, but … well, you might at least consider being more discreet."

Penny felt like some kind of cheating wife whose indiscretions had just been plastered across a billboard on I-75. "Grace, I'm … sorry." Her chest hurt and she had no idea what else to say.

To her surprise, Grace came back to the bar and touched Penny's hand, damp and clammy now from the rag beneath it. "I'm not the one you should apologize to."

Penny felt tears threatening because no matter what had changed inside her, she was still a nice person, still more of a good girl at heart than she'd realized, and she hated the way this looked, and the way it made her feel. She almost considered telling Grace the truth—at least about her feelings for Martin—but she didn't think it would be right. She couldn't tell Grace she wasn't marrying Martin before telling Martin himself.

As Grace turned to leave again, Penny said, "Grace, wait."

She looked back.

"I can't imagine what you must think of me right now, but it's much more complicated than you know. That's no excuse, I realize, but … well, I think of you as a friend, and I don't want that to change."

Finally, Grace's expression softened. "I think of you that way, too, Penny, and that's why I came in here. I just wanted to remind you that you're not invisible, that your actions may have repercussions."

Even after the door shut behind Grace, though, Penny still felt like a heel. Grace was right. Who knew how many people that knew both her and Martin might have seen her and Ryan just now, or some other time, like at the park or the grocery store. The world always got smaller when you were trying to keep a secret.

And now that Martin was really coming home tomorrow, and so much anticipation and buildup had gathered around his return, Penny realized just how much she didn't want to hurt him. She could try to justify her actions by reminding herself that their relationship had really amounted to nothing more than friendship, but what it came down to was that he'd fallen in love with her and had expected her fidelity for at least as long as it took to mull over his marriage proposal. She'd treated him horribly, was
still
treating him horribly. It might not feel like cheating in her heart, but how would Martin see it if he found out?

She truly did care for him. It'd been easy to forget that these past ten wonderful, horrible days, but she did. She'd known him for a long time, having shared two years of friendship before they'd started dating. Although their romance was recent, their relationship went back further, and Penny had just spent a week and a half trampling it without reverence.

Oh sure, she'd told herself she was concerned, she'd let guilt leak into her selfish pleasures, but she'd also conveniently pushed it aside time after time. Even her
guilt
had been selfish, more about her than Martin. But now, maybe for the first time since all of this had started, she really thought about
him,
the man who was her friend, the man who loved her and wanted to build a life with her, and she thought about his real feelings, as well. He would be crushed if all this came out. Of course, she still couldn't marry him, but how could she ever really be with Ryan, either, under the circumstances?

And when her thoughts shifted to Ryan, her heart caved in further. After everything he'd confided in her, about his family, his past job losses, and how important this job was to him, she'd still prodded him into bed, over and over. Again, how selfish she'd been.

After all, she'd known from the beginning that this was just about having fun. Sure, they'd had wonderful, wild times together, and sure, they'd been about as intimate as two lovers could be. He'd even sent her those panties and told her he missed her, but … it wasn't love for him. He was more worldly than Penny in the ways of sex. Well, more than she
usually
was, anyway. He'd never told her, but she knew instinctively that he'd had a lot of lovers,
casual
lovers. He knew how to flirt without going too deep, and any secrets he'd ever told her had been only because she'd pushed him with her questions. To have kept on with this relationship was selfish and thoughtless on her part. And to continue it
now
would be the most selfish act of all, wouldn't it?

For Martin
and
for Ryan.

Martin was coming back. And Grace knew their secret. How much more dire could things get? And what would happen to Ryan if he lost his job over this, over her? It wasn't just his livelihood, but his very life. And what about the money he sent home to his parents? What if he didn't have it to send anymore?

As Penny looked down at the same spot on the bar she'd been wiping for several minutes now, she realized a lot rode on her actions, so much more than her own happiness, so much more than her silly, selfish need to be wild. No matter how she looked at it, she'd spent the last ten days wreaking havoc in the lives of two men she cared for. If she stopped that now, this very minute, it might not be too late to make things right again.

* * *

When Penny got home at the end of the day, she tried to act as if it was any other day. She took off her shoes, looked at her mail, poured herself a glass of iced tea in an attempt to cool herself down. Humidity and scorching temperatures had returned, having edged steadily upward since last week's rain.

But such sadness had built inside her through the day that she knew all this pretending—even to herself—was a wasted effort. She'd made a decision, and no matter how many times she went back over it, it seemed the only right thing to do. As she'd realized during her talk with Grace, Nice Girl Penny really did remain alive and well inside her. She had to do the right thing, or she'd never be able to live with herself.

As for Martin, he'd certainly be hurt when she turned down his proposal, but not nearly as hurt as he'd be if he found out she'd taken up with someone new, his employee no less, while he was away.

And as for Ryan … well, sexual urges aside, he'd get over this quickly. It was just a matter of putting distance between them, and for more than a day or two this time. Once he refocused on his work, on the reason he'd come to Cincinnati in the first place, he'd forget about her. She'd become nothing more than a pleasant memory, a last, wild fling before he really settled down for good. And then maybe he'd even find someone else to date, someone who wasn't so wild, who wasn't so bad for him.

Penny choked back a sob at that last horrifying thought, and grabbed for the phone and dialed his number before she chickened out. Her stomach churned as she waited for him to answer.

"Hello?" His beautiful, deep voice echoed across the phone lines into her heart. How was she going to make herself do this?

"It's, uh, me."

"Hey, where are you?" He sounded happy to hear from her. "I was starting to worry."

Penny glanced at the clock; it was almost six. "I'm … not coming," she said, swallowing back the lump in her throat.

Concern invaded his voice. "What's wrong? Car trouble or something?"

"No, but I … uh, spoke with Grace this afternoon. She saw us, Ryan. In the park. And today in the pub. And Martin will be back in the office tomorrow morning."

He stayed quiet for a long, wrenching moment, so Penny rushed ahead, ready to end everything.

"So I've given it a lot of thought and I've decided we shouldn't see each other anymore."

More silence resonated through the phone until he said, "For now, you mean. Or for…?"

Her chest grew impossibly tight. "For good," she said, her heart crumbling. "I know how important your job is to you, Ryan, and I really think you'll lose it one way or another if we stay together. And I've figured out something else, too, something I've just avoided thinking about. Martin is a good man, and I've been very unfair to him in all this. I think if you and I tried to see each other, even after I turn down his proposal, I'd still always feel like I was sneaking around behind his back, committing some crime. He trusted me to be loyal to him while he was away, and I betrayed that trust with you. I can't keep doing it. For both your sakes, this is the right thing to do."

Again, silence pervaded when she finished, and it gave her the chance to go on and say everything she needed to.

"It couldn't last forever, right?" She forced a small, surprisingly convincing laugh. "I mean, it was wonderful, really wonderful, and I wouldn't trade the time we've spent together for anything. But it was just a fling. And you were probably right all along. We're in different places right now, me wanting to have fun, you being so dedicated to your work, so all in all, it's best to let it end."

She heard his heavy swallow. "What about the project? Your system?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe Patti could start working with you on it. After all, everything important is in my notes. Or maybe you could talk Martin into shifting the project to someone else for some reason. Either way, I'm confident we can get around that some way."

Silence returned once more and Penny wasn't sure what else to say. She wanted to get off the phone, end this torture. "Ryan, are you still there?"

"Yeah,
I'm here." He sounded tired.

"Thank you," she said on impulse.

"For what?"

"For last week. And last night." She drew in another deep breath. "Well, I should go now. Bye."

"Penny, I—"

She hung up the phone, pretending she hadn't heard him say her name. Whatever he had to tell her, she couldn't listen to it. She had to be finished with this or she'd never get through the pain.

What now? she thought, suddenly feeling at loose ends. Her mind raced back to past relationships that had ended, and how months after a breakup, she always reached a point where she took the momentos that still remained in her life from the guy in question and threw them away. It signified the real end of things for her, the real letting go.

Biting her lip to crush her emotions, she decided she should just go ahead and do that with Ryan now. After all, they'd been together for a week, two if you counted generously—it had been brief, so why let memories linger on? The sooner she got rid of them, the sooner her heart would be rid of him. She had a hard time trying to convince herself she wanted that, but she attempted it anyway.

Heading to her bedroom, she opened her sock drawer and drew out the red handcuffs, then walked to the wastebasket.