Something Wild (20 page)

Only the thought of being apart from Ryan broke her heart.

So much for loving Ryan. And so much for an invitation into his life. Instead, the night had turned into an invitation
out
of it.

9

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R
yan had known Martin was due back a week after he'd left, of course, but somehow it hadn't quite sunk in that it was
now.
Penny's words, "He'll be home tomorrow," had been like a cold glass of water splashing him in the face. A wake-up call. A huge sign that read, Think About Your Future, bashing him over the head. The timing of his mother's phone message hadn't helped, either.

He only wished he didn't see the hurt in Penny's eyes. "I have plenty to stay busy with," he went on, anxious to fill the sudden void. Funny how shared silence could be so nice one minute, yet so awkward the next. "As I said, the food order part of the system will be the most time-consuming on my end. So let's plan on, uh, not getting together in the afternoons until you hear from me, okay?"

"Okay," she said. But her voice was far too soft and it made his heart clench.

This was it, that moment he'd dreaded, the moment where he hurt her.

He wished he could do something to stop what was happening. But when he realized Martin would really be back tomorrow, back in her life and back in his, he knew the fantasies were over, at least for a while.

He didn't know what else to say and wished he'd been better prepared and realized Martin's return was coming so fast. Her body had gone rigid in his arms, and he gently stroked her soft shoulders, hoping somehow to soothe her, to let her know this wasn't how he really wanted things.

Then he realized he could tell her that, in the hopes it would help. It was something anyway. "This isn't how I want things to be, Penny. You know that, don't you? You know I wish things were different."

"Of course."

He sensed how strong and agreeable she was trying to be, but heard the underlying sadness in her voice just the same.

He squeezed her tight, just wanting to feel her, and let her know he cared. This was hard for him, too. When he lifted slightly to kiss her forehead, she pulled away.

She was off the couch, free of his embrace, before he even knew what'd hit him.

"Penny, where are—" The lamp she turned on blinded him and he held a hand up to shield his eyes, squinting at her as she moved through the living room. She held her big navy towel closed as she stooped to snatch up the clothes she'd shed earlier before even making it to the bed.

"I'm gonna head home," she said without looking at him, obviously struggling to sound casual as she slid her panties on without dropping the towel.

"Penny—" he rose on one elbow to look at her "—you don't have to go."

Letting the towel fall to her feet, she kept her back to him as she hooked her bra and slid the straps onto her shoulders.

"I know," she said, turning to face him as she reached for her shorts. She forced a smile, trying her best to look pleasant. "But I'm tired and it's late and … well, maybe it's best, all things considered."

Ryan sighed and got to his feet, fastening his towel at his waist as he neared her.

She pulled her T-shirt over her head.

Stopping in front of her, he ran a hand through his hair and felt like the ass of the century. "I really know how to ruin a nice evening, don't I?"

"You didn't ruin it." She shook her head insistently. "And I understand. You're right about this." Rising up on her tiptoes, Penny kissed his cheek, then moved past him toward the door, grabbing her purse on the way.

Ryan followed, thinking he should do something, not let her leave this way, but no words of protest ever left his mouth, and within seconds, Penny was disappearing out his door and up the hall toward the elevator.

He stood in the doorway after she'd gone, realizing he hadn't even said goodbye. An enormous emptiness washed through him when he heard the elevator ding around the corner, when he knew he'd really let her leave without doing a damn thing to prevent it.

But he'd known it would come to this. He'd known it would have to. And surely she had, too, hadn't she?

Shaking his head in regret, he stepped back inside and shut the door. This would all be okay in the end. It would have to be, because he'd had no other choice. And it wasn't as if he'd told her he didn't want to be with her or thrown her out on the street. He'd just made a move that seemed sensible for them both.

And as for what this weekend would be like without her, well, it would be like all the
other
weekends he'd ever spent without her—no big deal. He was a self-reliant guy, the type who didn't mind moving to a strange city without any friends, who liked people but didn't tend to get deeply attached.

So why couldn't he remember a moment when he'd ever felt so lonely?

* * *

Ryan spent most of Saturday at Schuster Systems, working on the Two Sisters project. He no longer used Martin's office, not just because his own computer had arrived, but because Martin was his boss, the corner office belonged to him, and Ryan wanted to make damn sure he remembered that. Squeezing himself into his own matchbox-size office seemed a good way to get the idea through his head once and for all.

If you wanted to go places in a company, you started at the bottom and paid your dues. And you followed the rules, both the written and unwritten ones, specifically, Don't have sex with the woman the boss wants to marry and Don't keep doing it over and over. Ryan was going to start paying attention to the pecking order here, staying in his place and keeping his nose to the grindstone, being that "good boy" he'd once told Penny he'd come here to be.

He sank into the work for long stretches and let it remind him how much he loved what he did. He was a damn good system designer and it always showed in the finished product. It also temporarily got his mind off of
her.

Of course, all that changed every time he stopped to go to the bathroom or get something to drink from the kitchen, as he was doing now. He stood before a snack machine perusing chocolate bars and, not surprisingly, they automatically turned his mind to Penny. But then, so did a lot of other things these days. Limousines, bathtubs, bras.
Feet,
for God's sake! And now chocolate. Finally deciding the thought of chocolate without her underneath it sounded unbearable, he chose peanut-butter crackers instead.

Snatching up the package from the machine's bin, then grabbing a soft drink, he made his way back toward his office. Damn, he thought, that'd been bad timing last night. He rolled his eyes, remembering what he'd done. Nice, Ryan, real nice. Slather the girl in hot fudge, make love to her like there's no tomorrow, then toss her out of your life. He didn't think he'd ever done anything so cold, although it hadn't seemed that way at the time. He'd kept thinking
sensible, sensible, sensible,
but today, it just seemed
cold.

This was all Martin's fault. He wanted to believe that as he caught sight of the man's name on the office door down the hall.

But no. This was all
Ryan's
fault. For needing Schuster Systems so badly. For screwing up all his other chances. No one was to blame but him.

It would serve him right if Penny forgot all about turning down Martin's proposal and married him anyway. Of course, she'd said there was nothing real between her and Martin, but what if she'd exaggerated, merely been swept up in passion? What if there
was
something between them? And what if it appeared a hell of a lot better to her right now than Ryan did? After all, look at all Martin could offer her. For one thing, stability. Then there was financial security
and
a lasting commitment.

Ryan let out a cynical laugh as he settled behind his desk. Ironic that stability was the one thing
he
craved—he wanted a job that would last, a life that felt comfortable and dependable—yet it remained the one thing he couldn't even begin to offer Penny.

Nonetheless, the idea gave him pause, halting him in mid-keystroke. Was that what he wanted? To offer her stability?

The very notion gave him that familiar feeling he got whenever she was around, for the first time since she'd walked out his door last night. He'd thought he was taking control of the situation by putting distance between them, but suddenly he feared he'd let her get even further out of his grasp. At least when they'd been together, he'd known that part of his life was good and secure.

He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair, realizing he'd never felt quite so secure in his life as he had with Penny. She was always so honest, so sweet, so affectionate. He'd never had to worry that she'd suddenly leave him, because she always wanted him to stay. He'd never had to fear that she wanted him to change, wanted
anything
to change, because he'd seen in her eyes and felt in her touch that she liked him just as he was. She didn't care about his past or even if he had a questionable future. She just liked him.
More
than liked him. He had seen that and couldn't deny it. She cared for him … and, damn it, he cared for her, too.

He …
loved
her.

What else could make his heart hurt so bad right now? What else could have him risking his career over a touch, a kiss, an embrace?

It was true.
He was in love with Penny Halloran.

And he'd pretty much thrown her out of his life.

* * *

Penny had waited all day on Saturday to hear from Martin. When afternoon had ebbed into evening, she'd called him at home … and gotten yet another recorded message. "You've reached Martin Schuster of Schuster Systems. I'm not available to take your call, but if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you. Or you can try reaching me at my office…" She'd hung up in total frustration. What on earth was going on here? Where
was
he?

Now it was Sunday afternoon and she was nearly out of her head.

"Let's go shopping," Patti said, standing in Penny's foyer.

"Shopping?" Penny had just filled her sister in on the latest turn of events, including that she still hadn't talked to Martin and that her love life was in shambles. "I'm hardly in the mood for shopping."

"Oh, come on. A little shopatherapy always does a girl good. We'll buy you something new to wear, something sexy, something to reflect the new you."

Penny only sighed. "I'm hardly in the mood to be sexy. After all, I don't have anyone to be sexy
with
anymore."

Patti raked a dismissing hand down through the air. "Details, details." She grabbed Penny's wrist in one hand and scooped up Penny's purse in the other. "Come on. I'll drive."

After Patti dragged her from the house, Penny dug in her purse for her keys. As she locked the door, though, she glanced down to see Ryan's spare condo key still hanging from the ring, which only added to her depression.

"I'm so sorry you have to go through this," her sister said, apparently realizing just how deep Penny's despair ran.

"There's no one to blame but myself. This is what I get," she told Patti as they started down the front walk, "for not making sure Martin knew how I felt before moving on. I deserve this."

"No, you deserve Ryan. Although I'm considering kicking his butt right now."

Penny shook her head as they approached Patti's car. "He's just trying to save his job. You can't blame the guy for that."

"Yes, I can. Some things are more important."

"I never asked him for promises," she said, peering at her sister over the roof of the car just before they got inside. "I never asked him for anything more than a good time, fun, sex." She stopped then, turning to gape at her sister in pure horror. "Oh God, I'm a good-time girl! I have indiscriminate sex with strangers! I treat sex like it's nothing!"

Patti tilted her head. "Did it feel like that, Pen? Did it feel like nothing?"

Penny thought all the way back to her first meeting with Ryan in the limo, and then to everything after. "Never," she said quietly. And then she admitted one more thing to her sister. "I'm in love with him."

"Ah." Patti cast her a consoling glance, after which she started the car and pulled away from the curb. "Well, then, rest assured, you're not a good-time girl. Your only crime is falling in love with a guy who isn't ready to give it back."

"And just what am I supposed to do about that?"

Patti shrugged. "Picking up a cute miniskirt couldn't hurt."

* * *

On Monday morning, Ryan kept his office door wide open, listening. It would happen any minute now—the elevator would ding, the doors would slide open, and Martin's voice would echo through the hallways of Schuster Systems. He would greet Grace, make small talk about his conference, catch up on important messages, then shuffle past Ryan's closet, maybe pausing for a hello. Ryan's heart rose to his throat each time he heard the elevator stop on his floor.

When Martin hadn't arrived by nine, Ryan thought he must be sleeping in. But when he still hadn't shown up by ten, Ryan started getting antsy.

He needed Martin to show up. He needed to get his life back to normal. He needed to know Penny had talked to him, to somehow find out what she'd said and how it had gone.