Someone to Love (16 page)

“I thought we were taking things slow,” Noli said.

“If we were moving any slower we’d be time traveling backwards and running from dinosaurs.”

“If I ever get married, I want my husband to love me.”

“Magnolia, you know that I care for you.”

“Loving goes beyond caring.”

“Do you love me?” He was ready to confess his feelings again if he knew she felt the same.

“We’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about you.”

He was just as good at evasive answers as she was. “Would I ask you to marry me if I didn’t?”

“You’ve never asked me to marry you. You’ve only ever suggested marriage. Are you afraid to say it?”

“No.” Yes, he thought contradicting the lie he’d just told. Maybe it wasn’t quite a lie. He wasn’t afraid to say the words, he was afraid of the aftermath.

“If that’s how you feel, I don’t understand why you don’t say it. It can’t be that hard for you to say it again.”

“I’ve never said it before.” The words came out instinctively. Then he saw the look on her face. She looked like someone that had just said something she wanted to take back, but couldn’t. He felt anger rising up from deep within him. “You weren’t asleep were you?”

“I wasn’t asleep when?” she said treading further out on the thin ice.

“The night after the wedding.”

“I did sleep the night after the wedding,” she said dancing around the truth.

“This is not the time to be cute with your answers and dance around the truth.” She remained silent. “The night of Jack and Diane’s wedding, when we were lying in bed, I told you I loved you, but you didn’t respond. When I looked at you, it looked like you were sleep, but you weren’t”

“We had a lot to drink that night. I didn’t think you knew what you were saying.”

“Did you fake being asleep because you were drunk?”

“I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking straight. At the time that seemed like the rational thing to do.”

“Were you so drunk that you didn’t remember me saying it the next morning as you were leaving?”

“I remembered, and I couldn’t handle it any better sober.”

“You knew that I loved you so you left. You didn’t even say bye to my face. You sent a stupid text from ten thousand miles above God knows where.”

“I wasn’t ready to accept that you love me or that I love you too.”

“You didn’t love me, there was no way you could have cared about me and then abandoned me. Then you went on to deny me the chance of being a father until you had no choice in the matter. I get that your parents dying left you broken and vulnerable and afraid to love again, but you don’t seem to understand that life has wounded me too. Telling you I love you was difficult for me that night. I thought it was the most difficult thing I’d have to do until the next day came and you were gone. Then dealing with the pain of missing you took its place. I found solace that if you knew I loved you, you’d be by my side. All this time you’ve been wanting me to say I love you when you already knew that I did.”

“I didn’t know that you still did. I needed to know you loved me enough to forgive me. I wanted to know that it was me that you wanted to marry me because you loved me, not just because I was the mother of your children.”

“I wanted to marry you because I thought the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life and I couldn’t imagine spending another moment without you. But now, knowing how callous you are, I can’t imagine another moment near you and wish I’d never met you,” he said stomping towards the door and snatching up his helmet.

“Cooper, don’t go.”

“Noli, you don’t own leaving,” he said without turning to look at her.

***

A second after the door slamming, she heard the roar of his motorcycle and one of the twins crying. A few hours after that Noli was startled out of sleep by a banging sound. It took her a moment to reconcile that the sound wasn’t elephants tap dancing like her dream had interpreted the sound. The bed next to her was untouched. Where was Cooper? She checked the nursery, but he wasn’t there. Then she remembered the fight. Maybe he was downstairs and had forgotten his keys. She went down the stairs and opened the door to see Diane’s worried face instead.

“What took you so long? I’ve been ringing the bell and knocking loud enough to wake the dead.”

It was much darker than she’d thought it should be. Noli was still groggy and it took her eyes a moment to focus on her watch. It was one in the morning. “We disabled the bell. It wakes the babies. And you know I sleep sounder than the dead. But what’s the emergency?” When Diane didn’t answer she asked, “Why are you here at this time of night?”

“I’m out here because your phone has been going straight to voicemail for the past hour.”

“I can’t always get a signal out here. You’re starting to scare me. Why were you trying to call me?”

Diane sat down. “You should have a seat.” She patted the space next to her.

“I’m beyond scared now. What’s wrong? Did something happen to Uncle Bobby?”

“Uncle Bobby’s just fine.” She took Noli’s hand and pulled her down onto the couch. “I need you to promise me you’ll stay calm.”

“I will do my best, but right now you’re freaking me out more than if you just tell me what’s going on.”

Diane blinked back tears. “Cooper was in an accident.”

Noli shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. “Is he?”

“No, he’s not dead.”

Noli exhaled the breath she’d been holding waiting for the answer. “What…what happened?” Noli’s voice had grown shaky as she began to cry. Diane was blurry through the tears.

“I don’t have all the details. Daphne was out with a friend when she got a call from the hospital a couple of hours ago. When she couldn’t contact you she called Jack. He and I tried for a while before I sent Jack to the hospital and I came out here.”

“How’s he doing?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been able to get a signal out here either.”

“I need to go to the hospital. Will you stay here with the twins? I don’t want to wake them.”

Diane’s eyebrows raised. “Of course. How are you going to get to the hospital?”

“Can I borrow your car?” Noli asked pulling on her coat.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I have to get to him. It is my fault. He left because we had a fight over yet another stupid thing that I did.”

“You can’t blame yourself. None of that matters right now.” Diane handed Noli her keys. “Are you sure you can do this?”

Noli seemed confused by the question at first.  The panic she felt about driving was secondary to the panic she felt for Cooper. “I have to.”

Noli put the key in the ignition but sat there with her hand on the keys unable to turn it as panic began to swell within her. She sat like that for a couple of minutes. Tears welled up in her eyes and poured down her face. Cooper was in the hospital, possibly dying and she couldn’t even start the car. What if he didn’t make it and she didn’t get to say goodbye because she was too afraid to drive? Not getting to her parents in time to say goodbye was one of the things that haunted her. She couldn’t let that happen again. She couldn’t let another person she loved die without telling them how much she loved them.

She did love Cooper. That was the first time she had allowed herself the thought. She was able to admit that to herself, it comforted her. All these months she’d denied her feelings because she thought that facing them would hurt. Tears rolled down her eyes and she found the strength in her love for Cooper to turn the key and start the car. Her hand was on the gear shift, with all her heart she wanted to move it but couldn’t.

She laid her head on the steering wheel, her body shaking with sobs. The words do not be afraid popped into her head, as if whispered by an angel. It was an angel. It was the memory of her mother paraphrasing one of the Psalms, she couldn’t remember which, but that wasn’t important. One night, when she was young, a bad dream woke her in the middle of the night. She was afraid to go back to sleep for fear her dream would return. Her mother told her “The Lord is your light and your salvation, so don’t be afraid.”

She didn’t know if she was strong enough to do this. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to overcome her fears. She wasn’t strong enough. Then parts of another Bible verse resurfaced in her memory something along the lines that where she is weak He is strong. “Dear Lord I know it’s been a long time since I’ve prayed, and that I lost all faith because I was angry with you. Please forgive me. Please Lord, be my strength because I’m too weak. I need you and I need Cooper. Please. In Jesus’ name I pray.”

She opened her eyes, took a deep breath and put the car in gear. The drive to the hospital was as if she were on autopilot. There were none of the symptoms of a panic attack, but her legs were shaky as she walked into the hospital.

“Hello, how may I help you?” the lady wearing scrubs behind the information desk asked.

“I’m looking for Cooper Smith’s room.”

The receptionist’s fake nails clicked against the keyboard as she typed his name. “Sorry, but I’m not showing him in the system. Are you sure he’s here?”

“Yes, he was in a motorcycle accident and was brought here.”

“Check the ER. He may not be admitted yet, or he may be in surgery, or God knows where. Who knows with the way the ER updates the system.”

“Which way?”

“Around that corner to the left.”

Noli followed the instructions and found the emergency room. She went to the first person in scrubs she saw. “Excuse me nurse,” she looked at the name tag for her title. “I’m looking for Cooper Smith.”

“He’s not in the ER any more. The information desk should be able to tell you where he is.”

“I checked there, they didn’t know. Can you at least tell me how he is?”

“Are you a relative?”

Noli thought about saying they were engaged, but that was a lie and she thought it may not be best to fib while trying to get back in God’s good graces. “I’m not, but—”

“Then I won’t be able to help you,” she said and walked away.

Noli didn’t understand the curtness of the nurse. She stood there distraught because she just wanted to see Cooper. She began to cry.

“You’re the young lady that delivered the surprise twin on New Year’s Eve.” Noli turned to see the nurse that had helped them prepare to ring in the New Year before Evan’s surprise arrival. “Why are you crying? Is something wrong with one of those precious little babies?”

“They are fine. It’s their father. He was in an accident and I can’t find out where he is or how he’s doing.”

“What’s his name again?”

“Cooper Smith.”

“Let’s see if we can find him.” She took Noli’s hand and began to walk with her towards the nurse’s station and typed into the computer there. “I can take you to his room. We got your thank you card and the cookie bouquet. That was so nice of you.”

“You all saved my life and those cookies weren’t enough to thank you for that. My mom was a nurse. I know how hard you work and without as much thanks as you deserve. Except maybe that nurse in the ER.”

“I bet I know exactly which nurse you’re talking about. Don’t lump us in the same book as her.”

“Here’s his room. I hope your fella’s okay.”

“Me too. Thank you.”

Noli took a deep breath to brace herself before opening the door. Jack and Daphne stood by the bed, blocking her view of the bed and Cooper. “How is he?” They turned, leaving a space wide enough for her to see Cooper’s bandaged, bruised and scratched face.

“Sore but good. Just scrapes and bruises,” Cooper answered.

“What happened?”

“I swerved to miss a raccoon and lost control.”

“But you’re fine.”

“I’m in pain, but I’m fine.”

“That’s good. But if you’re fine why did they admit you.”

“He has a concussion,” Daphne said. “He had his helmet on, but he didn’t fastened it so when he hit the ground it flew off and his head hit the pavement. Hopefully it knocked some sense into him about proper safety on that death trap.”

“But you’re okay?” Noli asked again fighting her desire to run over to him because she understood that that’s not what he would want.

“I am. How are you here?”

She hugged her large satchel to her chest wishing it was him her arms were around instead. She concentrated on the floor and bit her lips between her teeth to keep from crying. “I had to find out how you were. I had to see you were, you know, okay.”

“I’m good.”

“Good. That’s good. I had to know you’re okay, but I know you don’t want to me here so I’ll go.”

Daphne and Jack exchanged looks with each other, then with Cooper. “Perhaps we should go get coffee and give you two a moment alone,” Daphne said.

“No, you two stay, I’m sure he wants you here. I should go.”

“Magnolia, I don’t feel well enough to chase after you, but I will if you try to leave.”

“Where’s Diane?” Jack asked.

“She’s with the twins.”

“We’re going to go get some coffee. Would you like anything?” Daphne said.

“No, thank you.”

When they left the room went silent. Noli hated the silence, it made her uncomfortable. “I thought you were dying. I know I’m not your favorite person right now, but would you mind if I hug you? I want to be near you. I need to be near you.”

“You can’t hug me from all the way over there.”

She practically flung herself onto him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

“Oww.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said pulling back a bit.

“You have to be careful, my ribs are broken.”

“Broken ribs! I thought you said it was just a few bruises. A broken rib isn’t a bruise.”

“There’s also a punctured lung, but I’m okay.” She tried to pull away. “No, stay.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“The one thing I could think about during the accident was you. I was hurtling towards the ground and all I could do was pray I’d make it back to you and the twins.”

“Tell me about it. As I drove here all I could do was pray.”

“You drove?”

“It was the only way to get here to you. I had to get to you.”

“Are you okay?”