Solitary Man (23 page)

Phone book on the table, pad and pen in hand, she made a list of all the things she’d need when the baby was born and rough estimates of what it would cost.

“What are you doing?”

At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she jumped in her seat. She resisted the urge to hide her lists. “Baby planning.”

“Mind if I take a look?”

She shook her head. He pulled up a chair beside her and straddled the back. She watched as his gaze flickered over the list. With his dark head bent forward, she could look all she wanted without being caught staring. The longing in her heart was frightening in its intensity.

He raised his gaze. “Not that I’ve been baby shopping lately, but some of these prices look a little low to me.”

“They’re rough estimates,” she murmured. Of used furniture. Not that she had any intention of sharing the details with him.

“What do you say we go check out the real thing?”

She blinked, startled by his suggestion and frightened by the hope one tiny suggestion generated. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

He shrugged. “I do.” He turned the yellow pages around to face him.

Minutes later, he’d added a list of stores and addresses to her list of items. None of the names on his list matched the ones she’d mentally compiled in her head. Top-of-the-line stores, they’d contain all the things she’d love for her child to have.

But she wouldn’t have a prayer of paying Kevin back for years to come. “You know, I’m exhausted.”

His dark gaze met hers. As usual, she was drawn into the compelling depths. “It’s no wonder you’re beat. Saying good-bye to Janine wasn’t easy.”

“For you either.”

He covered her hand with his larger, stronger one. “You’re not alone, Nikki.”

She wanted to believe him. And that was the scariest thought of all. “I think I’ll lay down,” she said, desperate to escape from his magnetic pull and her own unrequited desires.

“Good idea. Rest up today and after work tomorrow, we’ll start with the first store on the list.”

His tone of voice didn’t leave room for argument, but that wasn’t the main reason she didn’t fight his intentions. As a general rule, she had a difficult time reading his cloudy gaze, but his eyes were clear, his expression lighter than usual. He was looking forward to shopping for their baby.

Nikki couldn’t deny him the pleasure. Worse, she didn’t want to.
You’re a fool, Nicole
.

Because she loved him.

FIFTEEN

K
evin hit his father’s doorstep first thing in the morning, hoping to find Max sober, or at worst, hungover. He stood in the hall banging on the door too long for Max to be inside having a morning cup of coffee. He groaned and steeled himself for the confrontation ahead.

The last confrontation, he hoped, until Max got his act together—or didn’t. Kevin didn’t want to think about the latter possibility. He reached into his pocket for a key just as the door swung open wide and Max greeted him in all his naked glory.

With a groan, Kevin pushed past Max and entered the apartment, pulling his father along with him. “Is that how you normally greet your neighbors?” Kevin asked.

“If they wake me then they get what they deserve.”

“Well, go get some clothes on. I’ll make a pot of coffee.”

“I don’t need any.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Maybe not, but I do. Then I want to talk.”

Max retreated, muttering something about an ungrateful and intrusive kid. The man never looked in a mirror, Kevin thought. He headed for the kitchen and dug out the coffee maker he’d purchased for Max years ago in the futile hope he’d actually make the stuff himself and aid in his own sobriety.

It took Max forever to pull on a pair of jeans and an old shirt, and by the time he sauntered back into the kitchen, Kevin had two cups of coffee ready and waiting.

“Have a seat, Dad. It’s black. Just the way you like it.”

Max threw himself into a chair.

“It’s Monday. Don’t you have to be at work?” Kevin asked, although he already knew the answer.

“I quit.”

“More like you were fired,” he muttered. He’d followed up on Max’s last job and learned his father hadn’t been a reliable employee. No big surprise there. “They needed someone who’d actually show up for work.”

Max shrugged. “So now I have more free time.”

“How are you going to pay your rent? Buy food?” Buy alcohol, Kevin thought bitterly.

“You always come through for your old man.”

Yes, he had. And he hadn’t done either of them any good. But at least Max had just given him the opening he sought. “And why do you think I do that?” Kevin asked his father.

“Because I gave you life and you owe me,” Max muttered. “Coffee tastes like mud.”

“That’s the cotton in your mouth from last night’s binge. I do it because you’re my father… and I love you.” Once the words escaped his lips, Kevin realized it hadn’t been as difficult as he’d anticipated.

Caught off guard, Max lowered the mug from his lips and it hit the table with a thud, sloshing liquid over the rim and onto the white Formica top. Kevin resisted the urge to wipe it up. It wasn’t his mess.

“You’re… I mean… you’ve been a good son,” Max muttered, and Kevin understood how difficult even those words had been for his father.

The ones Kevin was about to say were even tougher because, though he didn’t know it, he was about to give Max cause to rethink his opinion.

“Things have to change, Max.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Max yawned. “Are you through? I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

Kevin shook his head. “I’m not through. I’m going to be a father. You know what that means?”

“You weren’t using protection?” Max said and laughed at his own bad joke.

“It means you’re going to be a grandfather.”

The rewording of the news seemed to take Max by surprise. He sat back in his seat and eyed Kevin in silence.

“I’d like you to be a better grandfather than you were a father, but that’s up to you. Whether you see your grandchild or not, that’s up to me.” Kevin pushed his seat back and stood. “From here on in you’re on your own. I’m not paying your rent and I’m not leaving food in the fridge.”

“You’ve said that before. You’ll always be there for your old man.”

He shook his head. “Wrong. I never had anyone else relying on me before. Now I do.” He had Nikki and he had a baby on the way. He’d do whatever it took to keep them in his life, even if it meant cutting Max out until he caught on to the concept of sobriety. Hell, at this point, even if he didn’t have Nikki or the baby,
he’d
had enough. He wanted his life back.

“It’s the end of the month and rent’s due by the fifteenth. I suggest you call on your employer. I talked him into giving you one more shot if you want it. That choice is up to you.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t test me or you’ll find yourself out on the street.” Kevin’s heart thudded inside his chest. He knew the phone calls that would come, the pleas for money, the guilt because his father had no food in the refrigerator. He didn’t know how he’d get through it.

Yes, he did. Nikki. If she hadn’t washed her hands of him completely, she’d support him through this. And if she had, well, he’d see himself through. Either way, Max sobered up or Kevin was finished.

Max stood, shock rendering him mute. Kevin had never been this adamant before, and Max knew it. So did Kevin. Max also knew there were other people at stake now.

Knowing he had only one thing left to say, and knowing it was Max’s only hope, he handed him the pamphlets and papers Nikki had given him on treatment programs for alcoholics. “Take this. Consider it my parting gift,” Kevin said. “Read it and think about it. But don’t call me or come looking for me unless you’ve cleaned up.” Kevin started to leave, Max’s curses and words following him out the door.

“Bring a kid into this world and look at the thanks I get. You’ll remember this day when your kid turns its back on you.”

He gripped the doorknob with sweaty palms. “With a lot of effort, I hope that won’t happen.”

“What goes around comes around, sonny. And remember, when you look in the mirror, you’re just like me.”

“That remains to be seen,” Kevin muttered. He turned back once more. “You’ve got a family waiting—if you want one,” he said to his father, then shut the door behind him.

Half an hour later, Kevin pulled up to the precinct. He might as well face all his demons at one time. If he wanted his job back, he had to ask.

But first he had to face why he’d walked out on it in the first place. Tony’s death and fear. Fear of being responsible for and to another human being. A job as a security consultant left him responsible for property, something he could handle, though it left him cold and empty and unfulfilled.

He glanced at the black and white patrol cars lining the street. Was he ready to ride in one again? To back up a partner? To be responsible?

And remember, when you look in the mirror, you’re just like me.

Kevin stepped out of the car. “I’m nothing like you, Max.” And as he spoke the words, he knew for the first time that he spoke the truth.

The differences between Kevin and Max were more glaring than the similarities. While Max cared for nothing but himself and his next drink, Kevin was the opposite. If anything, he cared too much. Which was why he’d left a job he loved—because he’d failed his responsibilities and couldn’t live with the fear that he was like Max, no good at caring for anyone but himself.

He’d live with Tony’s death for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t accept full responsibility any longer, nor could he let it run his life. Tony wouldn’t have wanted him to eat, sleep and breathe guilt. Neither did those Tony had loved.

Like Nikki.

He loved her, but instead of showing her, he’d driven her away. All because he’d been too focused on his shortcomings and not on his potential. Because he’d been too busy trying to be responsible in a backward way that hurt, not helped everyone involved.

As he headed up the steps, Kevin shook off the memory of his father’s bloodshot eyes as he spouted the Manning prophecy. He entered the precinct feeling lighter than he had in months, maybe years. Just believing in himself and the future made a huge difference in attitude.

Even if the future was more uncertain than ever.

* * *

Weeding wasn’t a pretty chore, but it was a productive task and the improvement was always evident. Nikki needed to see improvement in
something
, even if it wasn’t in any particular area of her life. If she kept at it long enough, maybe it would be too late for her to shower and change and still have time to hit the baby stores with Kevin later tonight.

She didn’t know if she could handle it. A mother and father shopping for their unborn baby was supposed to be a joyful occasion, one that was fun and full of hope and promise. But all she would feel this evening was the pain of what would never be.

“Hey you, keep that up and you’ll be pulling the azaleas along with the weeds.”

At the sound of Kevin’s voice, she glanced up but was blinded by the late afternoon sun. “I was just gardening.”

He knelt down beside her. “Looks like you were hacking up the flowers to me.”

She shrugged. “It keeps me busy.”

He settled himself beside her, looking comfortable in the soft green grass. “And that’s important to you? Keeping busy?”

She nodded. “It stops me from dwelling on things I can’t change.” And sometimes it gave her time to dwell on those same things and attempt to come to terms with herself and her life.

“Do you miss school?”

“I don’t miss being in school. I wish I had finished before… Well, let’s just say I wish I was more self-sufficient.”

He leaned forward. “I’m sorry relying on me’s so hard.”

She sighed. “It isn’t you. It’s the taking I hate. It’s not like this is a real marriage and we planned for this baby and decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom.”

“What if it were a real marriage? What if everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Would you get your degree and go back to work or would you stay at home with your kids?”

She narrowed her gaze. This was the most serious conversation they’d had since… well, ever. And he’d initiated it. She was curious to see where it led.

She leaned back in the grass, resting on her palms. “I’m not sure if I should answer. You’ll think I’m awfully old-fashioned.”

“I already
know
you’re hopelessly old-fashioned.” He laughed, a rich, vibrant sound she’d never heard before.

Hope, something she’d have sworn she no longer believed in, came springing back to life. Nikki quickly tamped it down. Just because Kevin was making small talk didn’t mean she should start weaving fantasies of forever-afters.

“Well?” he prodded.

“I’d get my degree—to have it—for me. It’s only one semester, after all. But then I’d stay home. I want my kids to have security and a mom that’s around. And I know I’d be just as fulfilled being home with my kids as I would teaching someone else’s. More so, really.”

He grinned. “That’s what I thought. And that was the easy question,” he said, sobering. “I have a tougher one.”