Solitary Man (19 page)

“You don’t. Unless you’re coming here. And I specifically told you that you didn’t need to concern yourself with my alcoholic father.”

She nodded. “I know what you said. I never promised I’d stay away.” She smiled, a wide grin that would have fooled anyone who didn’t know her as well as Kevin.

Behind the bright smile lurked a hidden pain. He should have given in to her offer and let her come along with him, but he’d wanted Nikki protected from the likes of Max, his foul mouth and nasty temper. Drunk he was mean enough—in pain and going through withdrawal, he was even worse. “I appreciate the thought but you don’t have to be here.”

“Families stick together,” she said. “You might not realize that now but in time you will.” She turned to the nurse. “Excuse me. What time did Mr. Manning leave?” she asked.

“As soon as the doctor came by and signed the discharge papers.”

“Where is the doctor? I’d like to speak to him.”

“He got called away on an emergency. Leave a message and he’ll get back to you later.”

“And Max?” Nikki asked again.

The nurse shrugged. “I assume you can find him at home. He said he had Jack waiting for him.”

Kevin muttered a curse. Jack Daniels was his father’s favorite weakness. “I need to find him.” Kevin knew, even if his father didn’t want to face it, that continued alcohol abuse could kill him.

“So let’s go.”

“I don’t want you there,” Kevin told her again.

She flinched as if he’d slapped her. Although he had no desire to hint her, he had no choice. Not only didn’t he want her exposed to Max, but he didn’t want her to see where he’d grown up. The old apartment, the revolting smells, the seedy neighborhood.

She straightened her shoulders. “Why? Why shouldn’t I be with you when you’re going through a rough time? Why shouldn’t I help you take care of your father?”

“Because it’s my job to do it. Alone. Just like it’s my job to protect you from my family. Such as it is,” he muttered.

“Funny but I thought I was part of
your
family. Or is this…” She waved her ring in front of his face… “Is this a lie?”

“Of course it isn’t. But there are parts of my family I intend to keep separate.”

She let out a frustrated groan. “You know, life doesn’t work that way. Family’s family. You’re lucky you have a father to take care of. I know he wasn’t much of a parent growing up, but he’s all you’ve got left now. Him and me. You don’t seem too thrilled with him, so tell me. Are you trying to drive me away?” She shifted her bag onto her shoulder. “If so, you’re doing a darn good job.”

“Nikki, just back off and give me some space.”

She shook her head sadly. “I’ve spent some time at the library recently and I did some research.” She handed him a stack of papers and what appeared to be pamphlets.

He flipped through them, then turned the pamphlets face forward. “Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon?”

“I thought Max might benefit from looking through the literature. You too.” Without another word, she turned and headed for the door.

Kevin wanted to stop her. With everything in him, he wanted to call her back, to thank her.

To love her.

But glancing around the hospital room, and knowing what he had to deal with, he was better off alone. And so was she.

* * *

With shaking hands, Nikki let herself into Janine’s apartment. Her sister-in-law hadn’t taken back the key, and she’d told Nikki to make herself at home any time she needed a friend. Nikki needed so much more than that now.

Life really knew how to dump on a person, she thought. On top of being rejected by Kevin, today was the day she and Janine would go through Tony’s things. She brushed at the tears filling her eyes. She might have walked out on Kevin at the hospital, but he’d as much as thrown her out first.

If he couldn’t let her into his life, let her help him through his pain, how could she expect to reach him? Ever? Instead of doing research for Max, she should have been looking into work options once the baby was born. Because Kevin had been making himself perfectly clear.

She just hadn’t wanted to listen.

An hour later, Janine had returned and Nikki’s thoughts shifted from Kevin to her brother. “Take a look at this.” Janine walked out of the closet and held up a battered-looking high school football jacket in red and white, the old school colors.

“The things men hold onto,” Nikki said with a laugh. Tony had worn that jacket every day for three years. “Ties to their youth.”

“To look at in their old age. To show their grandchildren.” Without warning, Janine’s voice cracked and she grabbed onto the wall for support.

Nikki jumped up and ran to her friend, walking her back to the bed and easing her down until she sat on the mattress. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Janine shook her head. “It isn’t you. It’s me. It’s this. It’s life and how damn unfair it all is.” She slammed her hand down on the bed in frustration.

Nikki raised her hand, wanting to offer comfort, then dropped it to her side. There was nothing she could give to Janine that would change the fact that Tony was gone. Nothing she could offer Kevin to change his self-perception. Nothing she could offer anyone, it seemed, but herself. And she hated the useless feeling that swamped her.

Once her sister-in-law had wiped at her eyes and blown her nose, Nikki turned toward her. “Do you want to put this off for a day or so?”

“No. It’s not going to get any easier.” She crumpled a tissue in her hand. “Would you mind making me a cup of tea?” she asked.

Nikki recognized the plea for privacy. “Sure.” She placed a comforting hand on Janine’s shoulder—whether or not her touch did any good, Nikki needed to offer
something
to her brother’s wife. “I’ll be right out there if you need me.”

Janine nodded and Nikki headed into the other room. Making two cups of decaffeinated tea kept her busy and when the doorbell rang, she was grateful for yet another reprieve before having to face Janine’s grief and the rest of her dead brother’s things.

She glanced through the peephole. This wasn’t a reprieve but pain of another kind. She unlatched the lock and opened the door. “Hello, Kevin.”

“Nikki.” He gestured over her shoulder. “Can I come in?”

“It’s not up to me. Janine’s inside.”

“She called the station and asked if they were finished with Tony’s things. I’d stopped by to talk to O’Neill and the captain asked me to bring Tony’s things over.”

“You were at the station?” To her knowledge, he hadn’t stepped foot in the place since giving his final statement after Tony’s death.

“It’s no big deal.”

She disagreed, because much of Kevin’s present dissatisfaction with life, in Nikki’s opinion, stemmed from leaving a job he loved. One he was good at. One he’d walked away from thanks to the misguided notion that he was responsible for Tony’s death. She’d thought he wasn’t ready to deal with the past, but maybe she was wrong.

She glanced at the bag in his hand and sighed. Yet another thing for Janine to cope with. Nikki stepped back to let him pass. His masculine scent overpowered her senses, but not her reason. She hadn’t forgotten Kevin’s abrupt dismissal earlier or all it signified for their future.

Or lack of one.

“Whatever you say. Listen, Janine really isn’t up to tackling Tony’s work stuff right now. The bedroom’s full of piles of things that the Salvation Army’s supposed to pick up and she’s really hurting.”

“I don’t doubt it.” His eyes filled with compassion and emotion for Janine.

Nikki understood him enough to know he was also blaming himself for his role in her sister-in-law’s pain. But she knew better than to reach out to him. She’d been slapped down before.

She grabbed for the bag Kevin carried and glanced inside. Tony’s uniform—the one he’d worn the night of the shooting—had finally been released by the police. “Can you take it home and I’ll bring it back later in the week?” she asked, thinking of how upset Janine had been minutes earlier. “She can get to this last, after she’s dealt with everything else.”

He hesitated. “Are you sure?”

Nikki nodded. “She’s a wreck in there.”

“Okay then. I trust your judgment.” He took the bag out of her hands.

“How’s Max?” she asked, unable to help herself.

“Sober right now. But he’s not in pain either, and that means he’ll probably drink again.”

She nodded. “Is he working?”

“He must be, because he has the money for alcohol. He’s not getting it from me since I’m paying his rent directly to the landlord.”

Enabling his father. Taking responsibility when it wasn’t his to take. “Did you read the literature I gave you?” she asked.

“I appreciate the effort you made, but unless Max wants to be helped, there’s nothing I can do.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Suit yourself.” She didn’t ask if
he
wanted to be helped. He’d have to come to that conclusion on his own. She’d obviously done all she could toward guiding Kevin in the right direction. Toward family. She couldn’t make him take those final steps there.

She pointed toward the bedroom. “I really should get back to Janine.”

“I can let myself out.”

She turned and headed for the bedroom, unwilling to spend another moment looking into Kevin’s dark eyes and wishing for things that couldn’t be.

“I’ll see you at home.”

Nikki turned. Taking a deep breath, she drew on all her reserve strength. “Don’t wait up,” she said and shut the bedroom door behind her.

She had no intention of going back until after dark, after Kevin was in bed, after he’d gone to sleep. She couldn’t handle him turning to her in bed. Not after he’d turned her out of his life.

* * *

Muffled voices sounded from the other room. Kevin paced the floor of Janine’s apartment and wondered how the hell he’d managed to screw up the only good thing to happen to him in this lifetime.

Instead of leaving, he sat down on the couch. The papers Nikki had given him were bulky in his pocket, and he removed them, unfolding them and giving them a cursory glance. A substance abuse program was only as strong as the person joining it, and to date, Max had shown no inclination to sober up for good.

Despite himself, the literature was interesting reading. Leave it to Nikki to dig up information not only for the alcoholic, but for their families. He figured she was trying to tell him something.

Stretching out his feet, he glanced back toward the closed bedroom door. Tony was gone. Janine was on her way. Max wasn’t a positive part of his life. Nikki was right—she was all he had left. He could work on keeping her there—or lose her for good.

The solitary life he’d chosen no longer held great appeal. Hell, most of his life no longer satisfied him. Three months ago he’d have said he didn’t care whether or not he was happy as long as the people he cared about were safe; that had changed.

He hadn’t drifted by the police station to talk to O’Neill because he’d referred him some clients. The telephone would have sufficed for that. Once again, Nikki was right. His trip there
was
a big deal. Kevin wanted more than eating, sleeping and breathing. He was coming out of the coma he’d been in since Tony was killed. Because of Nikki.

But he had a long way to go before he could thank her, or try to bring her completely into his life. He rose to his feet glancing back at the closed bedroom door. He realized he was taking a risk by continuing to shut her out, but the urge to protect her remained. Checking the address on the pamphlets, he folded the papers and shoved them into his back pocket.

But until he was certain he could offer her
everything
she wanted, everything she deserved, he was better off not getting her hopes up.

After all, hadn’t he let her down before?

* * *

Nikki slipped into the house quietly and shut the door behind her. The silence told her she’d stalled long enough and Kevin was asleep. She just wished she and Janine had finished their painful task today, but there was more of Tony’s things to go through. The lingering and the memories had taken up more time than they’d planned.

She tiptoed into the family room. For the first time since her marriage less than a week ago, she would sleep alone in her old bed. The notion chilled her and she hoped it wasn’t a foreshadowing of her future.

She reached the middle of the floor when the room flooded with light. She let out a startled scream and jumped back, her heart pounding hard in her chest.

“I suppose I should be grateful you came home at all.”

She pivoted toward Kevin’s angry voice. “Of course I came home. I live here.”

He leaned against the wall, looking forbidding and furious. A muscle ticked in his jaw as he studied her through narrowed eyes. But her gaze was drawn to the rest of him, to the jeans that rode low on his hips and muscles rippling along his bare chest. She tried to swallow but her mouth had grown dry. She didn’t stand a chance against him if she couldn’t control her physical reactions.

“You could have called. Or didn’t it occur to you that I’d be worried?” he asked.

“Of course it occurred to me. Protecting is your favorite pastime.”

“You make it sound like that’s a bad thing.”

“Maybe because it is.” Nikki drew a deep breath. She hadn’t consciously planned an argument, but what did she expect when she’d deliberately stayed out until midnight? Perhaps they needed to clear the air, since she couldn’t live with the pent-up anger any longer.

He stepped into the room. “Care to explain? I’m concerned about you and my child, and there’s something wrong with that?” he asked. Then he took another step closer.

Nikki’s breath caught in her throat. Anticipation and adrenaline flooded her veins. Yes, perhaps this argument was exactly what they needed for her to regain control of her senses and of her life.

She’d tiptoed around Kevin for too long. “What you feel is beyond concern. It’s control.”

His dark eyes glittered dangerously and she knew she was treading on sensitive ground. She’d never goaded him before, never pushed an argument to the point where he released his emotions. Apparently it was time for that too.