Solitary Man (20 page)

“I don’t want to control you, Nikki.”

“You want to control situations. Same difference.”

He grabbed her shoulders in a touch that considering the emotions flowing between them should have been rough but was exceedingly gentle. “I want to keep you safe.”

She met his gaze head-on. “And you can’t always guarantee that, even if you’re by my side twenty-four hours a day!” She practically yelled in frustration. “You aren’t responsible for fate.”

“No, but I can make sure I’m there just in case.” And then Kevin lowered his mouth to hers, forestalling any more arguing.

He was warm and she relished his touch, reveled in his scent. Although she couldn’t turn him away, she wasn’t ready to give in return. She didn’t resist him; she needed the simplicity of the contact too much. And that’s how he kept things between them—simple, as he nibbled and licked at the seam of her lips with his tongue. If he was intent on seducing her into submission, he was well on his way. Only the knowledge that he used sex to seduce himself into oblivion gave her the ability to remain strong. To think instead of cave.

And when she let him inside, for the first time the intimacy nearly made her lose her resolve. Just a few more seconds, she promised herself, as his tongue swirled and tangled with hers. She gripped his forearms, her nails digging into his skin.

He exhaled a groan and slipped beneath her flowing shirt and dipped lower, to cup her behind and pull her tight against his rigid length. Liquid heat poured from her, sizzling fire burned in her veins. Why was this so perfect, when everything else between them was such a mess?

“Damn, but you feel good. Do you know what you do to me?” he muttered.

“Exactly because you do the same to me.” She tipped her head backward forcing herself to look into his taut face, and forcing him to meet her gaze. His eyes were clouded with raw desire.

She could never resist him when he was like this, but tonight she had no choice. “Sex isn’t the answer to our problems,” she told him.

“We’re here, we’re together, and we’re having a baby.” His hand splayed over the light swell of her stomach.

His touch branded her. A silly, belated notion, considering he’d already done so by giving her his child.

“Forget any problems for now.”

She shook her head, fighting his magnetic pull, fighting the lure of the future. “I wish I could.” But if he couldn’t give her anything besides great sex, they had no future.

She met his gaze, silently begging him with everything inside her to hear, and understand. “You can’t base a lifetime on sex—no matter how good it is.” And sex with Kevin was always good. Her heart beat loud and hard against her chest while her body throbbed in time to the steady rhythm, attesting to that particular truth.

He grabbed for her hand. “It’s a start.”

Was it her imagination or did his words sound like a plea for understanding? But she couldn’t sleep with him and not have her emotional needs fulfilled too.

“I thought so too. But no more.” She lifted her arms to his shoulders and pushed him away. He let her, backing off because she’d asked. Ironically, a part of her wished he’d press the issue and not allow her to withdraw so easily.

Her wish went unanswered and a chill washed over her as he placed emotional and physical distance between them.

“Go ahead. Get some sleep,” he said in a rough voice. “It’s late.” He gestured toward her room—the guest room on the other side of the house. Far from his bedroom. Far from him.

She’d been hoping he’d understand everything she’d said tonight, and realized she’d been wishing for the impossible. Disappointment filled her—disappointment in him for his unwillingness to try and disappointment in herself for caring so much that he’d let her down.

She started for her room, and when she felt his burning gaze on her back, she turned around. “Kevin…”

“What?”

“I just want you to know I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow. I’ll be back sometime after dinner.” She’d finally heard back from her guidance counselor. He had numerous options to discuss, and Nikki had convinced Janine to drive her back up to school to work out an arrangement that would enable her to graduate. Then maybe she’d find a private position that had some kind of day care.

She braced herself for the inevitable argument. Instead he merely shrugged his shoulders. “Suit yourself. You will anyway.”

If she could close the distance between them, she’d do it in a heartbeat. But the next move wasn’t hers to make.

THIRTEEN

K
evin pulled into the parking lot to Dr. Molloy’s private office and shifted the gearshift to park. “This is standard?” he asked Nikki.

“For the fifth time, yes. It’s my monthly appointment.”

“And you’re feeling okay?” He’d been so wrapped up in himself and Max lately that Nikki’s health had taken a backseat.

“Perfectly fine. If I wasn’t you’d have heard about it. We live in the same house, after all.”

But they barely communicated. Funny how he’d miss something he’d never really had. Nikki was sleeping beside him, but not with him. He sensed in his gut the next move was his, but damned if he knew how to make it or bridge the gap that was of his own making. He didn’t let her into his life, so she didn’t let him into her body. Somehow it didn’t seem like a fair exchange.

“You ready?” he asked.

She nodded and minutes later, they were ushered into a small but modern-looking room. Immaculately clean and antiseptic-smelling, the examining room was a far cry from the dilapidated one downtown. And though Nikki got the same care from the same doctor, he couldn’t help but be grateful she’d given in on this point and allowed him to foot the bill for private practice. At least he could feel like he was taking care of his family in a way that counted.

His family
. Before he could process that thought, the door opened and Dr. Molloy entered.

She glanced at Nikki. “It’s good to see you again, Nicole.” Then she turned toward Kevin. “Mr. Manning. I’m glad to see you two have worked things out.”

“I’d be foolish to turn down good medical care, Dr. Molloy.” Nikki smiled, but Kevin wasn’t fooled by her affable demeanor. As a general rule, she barely said two words to him without him prompting her first. This morning’s “I have a doctor appointment at noon, remember?” was the longest sentence to pass from her lips.

He hadn’t forgotten but he was grateful she’d included him on her own. Otherwise he’d have to resort to caveman tactics again, and he didn’t relish another scene in front of the good doctor.

“Well, I wasn’t talking about using my private practice instead of the clinic,” she said wryly. “But I think you made a wise decision. Now let’s get started. Nikki, since this is a routine monthly visit, you don’t need to undress. Just let me see that stomach and you’ll be out of here before you know it.”

Kevin watched as the doctor readied a small machine. With barely a glance in his direction, Nikki lifted her shirt to reveal her pale, rounded stomach.

He walked around to the side of the examining table and reached for her hand. Her protest was minimal—a slight resistant tug against his hand, but when he refused to release her, she stilled.

“Everything okay?” Dr. Molloy asked her. “Any unusual symptoms, questions?”

Nikki shook her head. “Everything’s been fine lately.”

“Nausea’s gone?”

“Thank goodness.”

The doctor glanced at the chart. “You’ve gained two pounds. That’s good considering you’re merely putting back on what you lost during the first trimester.” She shook a white bottle in her hand. “This might be cold,” she warned, before squeezing the gel onto Nikki’s exposed skin.

He watched, mesmerized by the sight of her flesh, by the knowledge that his baby lay growing inside her.

“Now I’m going to listen for this little guy’s—or girl’s—heartbeat. Ready?” she asked, then began rolling what appeared to be a rectangular-shaped instrument over the gel coating Nikki’s stomach.

Without warning, a strong and steady sound reverberated throughout the room. “Hear that?” Dr. Molloy glanced up and met his gaze, a wide smile on her face.

He had the distinct sense that no matter how many times a day she heard the sound, Dr. Molloy got as big a kick out of the sound as her patients and their respective spouses. He listened in awe. Everything else in the room faded until only the combination of a whooshing noise and the distinct thump of his baby’s heartbeat remained.

“That’s… him?” Nikki asked, breaking into his concentration.

The doctor nodded. “Or her. Have you two discussed whether or not you want to know the baby’s sex ahead of time?”

Sex. A boy or a girl. No longer an indistinct blur on a monitor screen, the whooshing sound confirmed what he already knew. They’d created a life. Together. Pride and many other emotions swelled in his chest and clogged his throat until he could barely swallow, let alone breathe.

“Knowing the baby’s sex.” Nikki’s voice cracked as she spoke. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it” She rolled her head to the side and met his gaze. For the first time in two days, Nikki’s emotions were raw and visible for him to see.

He understood because for perhaps the first time in his life, his were just as exposed. And he wasn’t as uncomfortable as he’d imagined he’d be.

“What do you think, Kevin?” Nikki asked, obviously referring to the baby’s sex.

He’d given a lot of thought to her accusations of control the other night and much as he’d have liked to turn a deaf ear, he couldn’t ignore the truth. Or the fact that the controlling part of his nature was likely to drive her away and distance him from his child. He’d resolved to tread lightly or at least attempt to talk himself out of the burning need to hold the reins on everyone and everything around him.

The doctor had given him his first opportunity to back off and give Nikki space. Hoping to let her know he’d go along with whatever she wanted, he gave her hand a brief squeeze.

He glanced at Dr. Molloy. “Whatever Nikki wants is fine with me.”

He didn’t expect her to squeeze his hand back, or hang on even tighter, but she did. The lump in his throat grew larger. What he and Nikki shared,
could
share, was rare. He’d be a fool to lose it.

He’d truly be his father’s son if he let it go without a fight.

“Why don’t you two give it some thought. It’s not something I’ll be finding out today anyway. Want to hear more or can I stop now?” she asked, with that same knowing grin. “You’ll get to hear him every month.”

“Or her,” Nikki said.

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Changing your mind? She thinks it’s a boy,” he said in response to Dr. Molloy’s questioning look.

Nikki shook her head. “Just covering my bases.”

The doctor lifted the machine and flipped the power off. She handed Nikki a towel. “Everything looks fine. You can clean up a bit and meet me in my office. I’ll answer any other questions you have.” With that, she slipped out the door.

Kevin and Nikki were alone. The sheen of tears in her eyes matched the emotion stirring inside him. “Do you have any other questions for her?” Kevin asked.

“Not right now.” She crumpled a white paper sheet and wiped down her stomach, while he granted her the courtesy of turning away.

“Will you be okay if I put you in a cab and send you home? I need to run an important errand.”

“Not a problem,” she said, her words warring with the questions in her violet eyes.

No doubt she wondered why the man who professed not to want to let her out of his sight was suddenly willing to put her in a taxi alone. But she didn’t ask where he was heading. And he didn’t offer the information.

This short appointment had altered his entire life. To be more precise, Nikki had altered his life. But these last ten minutes had shown him what true bonding between people meant. For the first time, he understood some of what Nikki wanted from him—apart from the nights they used to share beneath the covers.

He heard the ripple of paper as she tossed the sheet into the trash and moved to his side. “As long as I’m in the city, I’d like to go to Janine’s anyway.”

“I can pick you up on my way home.”

She shook her head. “No need. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

“It’ll be too dark for you to take a cab… Never mind.” Forcing himself to back off wasn’t easy.

But words he’d read in Nikki’s photocopied literature came back to haunt him.
Questions for adult children of alcoholics
, the paper had read. And Kevin had taken to reading them over at bedtime, when he was alone. He’d rather have been with Nikki, but she’d refused, citing his need to control and his inability to reach out to her. Questions he hadn’t wanted to take seriously, but questions he couldn’t ignore.

Did he anticipate problems when life was going smoothly? Did he isolate himself from other people? Did he have trouble with intimate relationships? Did he feel responsible for others, as he did for his drunken father? There were more, but those were the ones that stayed with him. Day after day, night after night.

He looked around him, at the room where he’d heard his baby’s heartbeat for the first time. At the woman with whom he could share his life—if only he could learn how.