SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (31 page)

“What they don’t know,” she gleefully confided to me at an SM party, “is that stuff is made of braided nylon. It’s strong as hell, and no way are they going to break out of it.”

“I just love the look on their face,” she continued, “as it slowly dawns on them that they really can’t get loose.” She then emitted a cackle worthy of a wicked witch.

Play with ribbon if you wish. Because it narrows under pressure, I recommend that you stick with relatively wide material. Also, knots in ribbon pull so tight that nobody can get them loose again, so be prepared to cut the ribbon off.

I was thinking about going swimming today, but I decided to get tied up instead.

Tape.
Sometimes people use tape for bondage purposes. They usually use adhesive tape or duct tape.

Tape is highly secure. There are no knots and, obviously, no slack, so it’s difficult to escape.

Its disadvantages are that, because it’s a use-only-once item, there’s an ongoing expense if you want to play with it frequently. It’s also not highly adjustable once you’ve applied it, either in tightness or position. Therefore make sure you put your submissive in a position you’ll want them to remain in for some time before you tape them down.

Also, tape works best when it has something to press against, so the wrist or ankle usually has to be pressed against a bar, rod, or other body part to be effectively taped.

Some people are sensitive to various kinds of tape and may develop a skin inflammation if it’s applied. You could try a different brand the next time, or, if that doesn’t work, consider first applying a layer of plastic wrap or some other barrier between the skin and the tape.

Other people simply find that the tape hurts too much when removed. (Of course, a few perverts get off on the pain associated with tape removal. This can allow the applying and removing of tape, sometimes several times, to be used as part of the session.) For these folks, you can use the plastic wrap trick, or try applying talcum powder to the skin before putting on the tape.

I do not recommend using tape to blindfold or gag a submissive. It often pulls mustache, eyebrow, and eyelash hair as it’s being removed, and it cannot be rapidly and safely removed in an emergency. I know tape blindfolds and gags get a lot of play in the crime movies, and — regrettably — in some “bondage” magazines, but in practice they just don’t work all that well.

Tape can be a lot of fun and, in some respects, is easy for novices to use. There is a kind of “spinning the web” energy associated with it that many dominants, particularly female dominants, enjoy.

Plastic wrap.
Plastic wrap has a lot going for it. It’s readily available, inexpensive, disposable, “deniable,” can be very useful in safe-sex situations, and can be a very effective bondage tooL

Plastic wrap can be used in one of two ways for bondage. First, you can peel off a length from the roll and run it through a narrow hole created by your thumb and forefinger. This creates a very usable rope for limb or genital bondage. Second, you can use sheets of it to “mummify” your submissive. As with tape, there is a “spinning the web” energy associated with such mummification that many female dominants enjoy. (This practice is also popular in the gay male SM world.)

Plastic wrap can also be used as a partial or full blindfold. In addition, it also deafens hearing somewhat. These qualities make it possible to use plastic wrap to create an intense “hood.” Just make
extra
sure that you leave an opening for the nose. (See the above section on hoods.)

The ends ofalength of plastic wrap can be knotted together effectively, but such knots may pull very tight and be all but impossible to loosen. Therefore, always keep a pair of scissors handy when playing with plastic wrap. Paramedic scissors zap right through this stuff.

Discovering the erotic possibilities of plastic wrap has made me glad.

Giving and Receiving Erotic Pain

What Is Pain?

Clinically speaking, pain is the name given to the sensation perceived by a person when certain specialized free nerve endings called “nociceptors” in the skin and other parts of the body are stimulated. This sensation can be caused by mechanical stimulation, by extreme heat or cold, and by stimulation from certain types of chemicals such as acidic substances. It occurs anytime a tissue is being damaged or overstressed. Once the damage ceases, the pain usually quickly subsides.

One of the great fallacies is that people vary in their pain threshold. Medical research has proven that all persons begin to feel pain at almost exactly the same degree of stimulation. What is true is that people vary a great deal in how they react to painful stimuli, and to some extent can learn different ways of reacting to those stimuli.

The body can secrete its own natural morphine-like pain-inhibiting substances called “enkephalins” and “endorphins.” Serotonin plays a role in this process.

One unique characteristic of the sensation of pain is that the perception of pain does not diminish as you get accustomed to it. Unlike other sensations like pressure and light touch, which your consciousness tends to screen out (do you feel your shoes on your feet most of the time?), pain stays in your awareness.

Pain is probably the strongest sensation you can feel. Being able to turn some kinds of pain into erotic sensation is a remarkable accomplishment.

I like to be spanked. I like to be slapped. I like to have my hair pulled.

Giving Pain

I chose “giving pain” as a deliberate contrast to the more common “inflicting pain.” “Inflicted” pain is delivered in anger, to punish or to hurt. “Given” pain, by contrast, is carefully measured, thoughtfully considered, and done to create a specific effect, usually the erotic arousal of both giver and receiver.

I’m entirely certain that “erotic” suffering differs vastly from “real” suffering. Erotic suffering usually, at some level or other, sexually arouses the submissive. Real suffering never does. If you’re involved with someone who causes you real suffering, get help or get out. Genuine abuse is completely unrelated to SM.

When introducing your lover to erotic pain, it’s often wise to begin by using parts of your body. Lightly bite, pinch, or spank. Notice how your lover reacts. Go down on them and, while you’re giving them head, reach up and lightly pinch one or both nipples.

Take your time. Don’t rush. Don’t do anything sudden or sharp. Watch how they breathe. Pinch their nipples lightly. Slowly increase the pressure until they gasp, then ease off. Was their breath deep, slow, and gasping — a good sign — or high, fast, and tight, suggesting displeasure? Remember, mix this with a
lot
of pleasure. Don’t even think about giving them a pinch, spank, or bite until they’re strongly aroused.

Who’s the boss — you or the pain? C’mon, show me who’s the boss.

It often helps if the submissive has an orgasm occur during their first erotic pain experience. If a woman is multi-orgasmic, try to get her to have several. You want to build a connection between erotic pain and sexual pleasure; an orgasm can contribute much toward achieving that.

Key point: The more erotically aroused somebody is, the more likely they are to be receptive to erotic pain — and the more they can accept.

Stop the pain immediately if their arousal level falls. Remember that nobody likes non-erotic pain. Heavy-duty masochists find falling off a horse or getting stung by a bee just as unpleasant as the rest of us find such things.

Also, keep in mind that some people find certain types of erotic pain a turn-on, yet find other types a distinct turn-off. It’s not uncommon for a submissive to enjoy a spanking or whipping, even to orgasm, yet absolutely hate any sort of nipple play. Others love having their nipples erotically tortured, but can’t stand spankings or whippings.

Everyone responsive to erotic pain has their own unique pattern of likes and dislikes. A wise dominant will learn a particular submissive’s pattern well.

One important point about giving erotic pain: When working with a novice, give only one type of pain at a time. Especially avoid combining a whipping with clamps. People often react differently to the pain of a whipping and the pain of clamps, and mixing them may be disorienting. They are just beginning to explore how they react to the different types of pain. Don’t overwhelm them. Stay with one type of pain at a time.

“Nod.”
How is the dominant to know they are not “going too far”? One excellent way is to have the submissive indicate when they are ready to receive the next “bit” of pain. This can be the next spank, whipstroke, clamp, or whatever.

One great strength of this technique is that it allows the submissive to recover their emotional balance between strokes. A spank can cause a strong reaction, and repeated spanks can overwhelm, and therefore frighten, the submissive. This method prevents that.

Of course, for this approach to work the dominant must abide by its terms and not deliver any unsignaled-for strokes (or anything else painful).

Let us say that a dominant is spanking a novice submissive. The dominant might say to them, “I’m going to spank you now. Each spank will be of about the same intensity. I’ll give you one spank at a time, and I want you to nod when you’re ready to receive the next stroke. Do you understand?” When the submissive indicated that they did, the dominant would then place their hand on the submissive’s buttocks and hold it there, then tell the submissive, “Nod when you’re ready to receive the first stroke.”

Accept the unacceptable. Endure the unendurable. Bear the unbearable.

This “measured” method of giving pain works very well with novice submissives and with submissives unfamiliar to the dominant. Because the submissive gives a definite signal before receiving each stroke, the chances of “going too far” are greatly reduced. Also, as with a safeword, because the submissive has some control over how much pain they receive, a novice submissive is less likely to feel overly frightened at the idea of receiving pain. This is a very powerful, useful technique. I strongly recommend it.

“Now.”
Another approach is for the submissive to say the word “now” when they’re ready to receive the next bit. To paraphrase a drug-education slogan, “Just say now.”

Footnote: One interesting aspect of whippings is how some people react very differently to different instruments. For example, I know one submissive who absolutely loves to get whippings from a riding crop or cane, but absolutely hates getting whippings from a cat-o-nine-tails, even when the cat’s whipping is considerably milder. If you change implements, such as substituting a riding crop for a paddle, advise the submissive that you’ve done that (and therefore the sensation they feel will be different) before striking them with the new instrument.

How hard should I hit?
The upper limit, of course, is that you should never hit hard enough to cause an injury unlikely to heal completely without professional help. A cut large enough to need sutures is a good example.

The lower limit: very gently.

When playing with somebody new, start your blows, no matter what you’re using, very gently. Remember the saying: “Start lighter than light. Build slower than slow.”

You might begin with the implement resting on the submissive’s body, then perhaps lightly stroking them with it. The first blow should be the lightest and softest of pats, especially if the submissive is a novice or unfamiliar to you. Starting with a hard, slashing blow on a novice or unfamiliar submissive almost guarantees an immediate, angry end to the session.

“One-to-ten.”
A good way to decide how hard to hit the submissive is to let them decide. Tell them, “I want you to tell me how strong a stroke you think you are ready for. We’ll do this on a scale of one to ten. A one will be very light. A two will be twice as strong as a one. A three will be three times as strong as a one, and so forth. If you reach ten, we’ll start with a new one instead of an eleven. You choose the strength, and I won’t deliver the stroke until you call out the number. Also, don’t feel that you must always increase the number. If fours are a little too intense, we can go back down to threes, or even lower if that’s what you need. We can also do something else or stop altogether.

“We’re doing it this way, this time, so you can explore this and see what it does for you.

“One other thing, I’m going to start with your bottom. I won’t deliver the strokes onto any other part of your body without telling you first, and I won’t change what I’m using without telling you first. If I do change either the body area or what I’m using, we’ll immediately go back to ‘one’ again. Is that clear?” (As with all instructions, you should have the submissive repeat this back to you to make sure that they understand. This is especially important with a new partner.)

“Are you ready to begin? All right, I’ll wait until I hear your number. Please start with a one. We’ll do this for about ten minutes and see how it goes. Ready? Take a moment to collect yourself, then give me a number.”

Note: The “nod,” “now” or “one-to-ten” techniques can also be used for groups of strokes. In other words, the submissive nods, or gives a number, and the dominant gives an agreed-upon number of strokes of that intensity.

Obviously, this is an extremely considerate approach, but I firmly believe such an approach is proper with a novice or unfamiliar submissive.

Feeling benevolent?
If you want to stop and do something pleasurable, tell the submissive, “Let’s stop the pain for a while,” then rub, stroke, or lick them. Doing this for a minute or so usually feels about right. When you’re ready to resume, tell the submissive, “Okay, let’s resume. Nod when you’re ready.” A few breaks of this type help the submissive accept what’s going on.

After the session, it’s important for you as the dominant to tell the submissive that you are happy with the efforts they made to please you. Keep in mind that this person went through a lot for you. Let them know that you appreciate it.