Six Years (28 page)

He led me in the kitchen and I saw my mother putting together something—was it a spinach salad?—as he dressed the tiny kitchen table with two plates, not asking if I’d like to stay for diner.

“Hello, Brooklyn,’’ my mother said, glancing at me quickly before she focused all her attention again on her salad.

They both looked tired and old, older than they should. They also didn’t seem happy or remotely alive for that matter, but they were two selfish jerks. I was sad too, I would love to have them comforting me and yet, they didn’t even know me enough to see that something was wrong by just looking at me. Damn it! I was sure that my eyes were bloodshot. It was enough of a clue as it was.

“Do you regret not getting an abortion?’’ I blurted out suddenly, my words preceding my thoughts. My heart began to beat frantically again in my hollowed out chest. My eyes darted to and from each of them as they were finally really looking at me.

“What are you talking about? We never even thought about…that.’’ She didn’t speak louder or faster. She seemed almost detached. 

My father wrapped an arm around my mother’s shoulders and he squeezed softly. “Are you trying to get into a fight?’’

“No, Dad, I’m not.’’ I waved between us. “I feel like I don’t have parents. I’m not feeling okay, I cried while walking here and you don’t even care. You didn’t ask me if I had a problem or why I was here. You’re just tolerating me and I don’t know what I did to deserve that. I’m not Kelly, but I’m your daughter too. I. Deserve. Your. Attention.’’ My words rang loud in the quiet kitchen as at last I broke the status quo.

My mother started to shake, her hands unable to keep a good hold on the knife she had. She put it down and hid her hands at her side. My father was frowning, but curiously he looked down, not even trying to hold my burning gaze.

“We’re sorry if it’s not enough for you, Brooklyn. We lost a child. It’s not easy for us.’’ My mother’s words made me angrier.

“Do you think it’s easy to be the kid who was born after, the one here supposedly to fill a void? I’m not like her and that’s what you realized upon seeing me at my birth. You knew you made a mistake and instead of learning to love me, instead of letting me mend your broken hearts, you just tolerated me. The only pictures of me you have are the ones Granny took when she came to visit before she died. You never cared about how I did in school, or if I was happy. When Nolan left and I hurt my hand? You only told me that it was ridiculous and to pull myself together. You know what? Pull yourself together then! You never did anything for me and I never asked, but I’m fucking tired of it all, I’m tired of trying to find some excuses for you.’’

My breathing was labored. I shook from head to toes unable to control myself. I clenched my fists and cursed under my breath for being so worked up when they were obviously barely giving away any hint of any kind of emotions. They were looking at me, their eyes more focused on me than usual, but that was it. Nothing more.

“You’re right,’’ my father said slowly, his voice seemingly painful to leave the comfort of his mouth. He sighed and glanced at my mother with a sad smile marring his face. “We lacked in our role when you only asked for your parents, but we never coped.’’

My mother leveled her face and she hid herself behind the wall of her hair turning more and more grey as the months passed. Her thin shoulders were shaking and it mellowed me some. I hated to see someone hurt, I hated to be the one upsetting her, but I was so tired of always staying calm and composed when it came to them. I wasn’t apathetic. They were.

“That’s all you have to say?’’ I asked barely loud enough for them to hear me as I was still frozen near the hall, ready to bolt.

“Nothing we could say would change anything.’’

I nodded and looked away from them, instead focusing on the old fridge where a picture of the high school graduation ceremony with Kelly on it was. “Do you even care about me?’’

In the corner of my eyes, I saw my mother looking up sharply, her pale face damp from her silent tears while my father tightened his grip around her as if to give her some of his strength.

“We love you, Brooklyn!’’ she said, her voice louder than I expected.

I sucked on my breath and smiled softly, unsure what I should feel. Should I be sad or relieved? Should I be bitter that they never told me or delighted to hear it at last? I had no idea. Everything was a mess in my head. Everything was painful. Even blinking was difficult for me at the moment. I just wanted to hibernate for a while, forget about anything and everyone.

“Do you believe me?’’

“I want to believe you because no matter what you’re not bad people. I know your grief messes with you and that’s why we’ve never connected. I get it, but it hurt me for years and it still does sometimes because I have nobody else. You’re my only family and…I’m only eighteen. I can’t be mature all of the time and when my heart hurts, I can’t always take a step back and be rational instead of letting my emotions speak for me.’’

“Do you mean that you need us?’’ she asked me, a new light in her eyes, something akin to hope, but I couldn’t see why she’d be hopeful right then.

“Sometimes, yes. We all need our parents.’’

She nodded and a small smile tugged at her trembling lips. My father seemed to relax some.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?’’ he asked me then, startling us all.

I fidgeted and shook my head. It was too soon. It would be obvious that we were strangers and it would be best to start with something easier. Maybe a coffee one day and then take it from there.

“I’m not hungry to be honest. I…I better go home.’’

They nodded and asked me if I needed a ride home, but I declined. I started to walk back to my place in a daze, feeling hope against all hope. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that day possible, the day during which I’d hear them say that they love me, the day I’d look forward to what the future had in store for them and me. At least, one thing went well today even if with Nolan it went to hell without even a pit stop.

A car slowed down until someone leapt out and ran to me. I froze and turned around, ready to grab my pepper spray if necessary. But it was Nolan with a crazed look and hair going in every direction.

“Fuck it! Do you have any idea how worried I was? I looked for you everywhere!’’ he yelled at me, but thankfully it was in a deserted street, not far from our old neighborhood. Nobody seemed disturbed no curtains moved.

I couldn’t look at him. It was too painful to look at him and think about her, about the fact that he could be a dad soon. I slept with him only hours ago! My heart could have been bruised by Nolan, but right now it was outright shattered.

“Don’t yell at me, Nolan. I should be the one who’s angry.’’ My voice was neutral, frighteningly so.

“You were on foot, Brooklyn. What do you think I thought? I was ready to call the hospital to see if you were there when I couldn’t find you anywhere. I even called Mike.’’ He cursed again and tugged on his hair nervously, as if to pull out a whole chunk of hair. His muscles seemed to bunch more.

I pointed at him, losing my pretense of calm. I was boiling and ready to explode, but it wasn’t because I was truly mad at him, it was only hurt and frustration urging me on. “I didn’t wait for you to take care of me all these years! Stop playing the big hero and face your own mess and leave me out of this.’’

He walked to me and we were almost nose to nose, both of us seething. “It concerns you too.’’

“No, it doesn’t.’’ I straightened my shoulders and didn’t look away even when his hazel eyes darkened dangerously. “Your ex-girlfriend might be pregnant with your kid. I’m not at all in that equation.’’

“We’re together.’’

“We’re sleeping together.’’

He cupped my head between his two big hands and kept me riveted. “Let’s be fucking honest here. It’s more than just sex otherwise it would have never happened. We. Are. Together.’’

“Where do I fit in all of this, Nolan?’’ I asked weakly, my anger falling away. “I’m eighteen, I live in a small town and I have no idea of what to do with my life while you’re a successful man living in New York City and about to be a father. I don’t have a place in this.’’

He crushed his lips to mine, coaxing me to grant him access, but I didn’t. He growled with frustration and it made my lips tingle, but I didn’t kiss him back. I couldn’t, not when his baby might be in another woman’s belly.

“Brooklyn…’’

“Stop it, Nolan.’’ I pushed at his shoulders and he let me go, his shoulders slumped and his eyes downcast. “We suffered too much because of our parents and I don’t want to be the reason for another kid’s pain. And I sure don’t want to be hurt down the road.’’

“We’re not even sure she’s pregnant!’’ he replied harshly, his voice dark, contradicting with the slumped look he had. “It’s ridiculous.’’

“Maybe, but it’s hard for me. My life is enough of a mess as it is. Damn it, I barely have enough money to pay my bills! So a kid…’’

“At least, can I drive you home?’’

I nodded and followed him to his car. As soon as my belt was fastened, he drove toward my apartment. The silence was difficult to take, leaving too much space to think. I could just picture a little girl or boy in Nolan’s arms and his sweet smile directed to that woman. I could just see the life I would never have, a life I didn’t want yet, but that I’d want one day. Yeah, the silence was giving me too much space to think.

* * *

NOLAN

She was shutting me out. I felt it in the way she looked at me, in the way she held herself. I was desperate to reassure her, to keep her in my arms, but I didn’t even know what to do in this situation.

But at least she was safe in my car. I thought I would turn crazy when I couldn’t find her anywhere. When Mike told me he hadn’t heard from her, I thought my heart stopped. But she was safe and here. Right next to me. Yet, it was like she was miles and miles away.

I glanced at her at every street I drove by, but she didn’t react. She kept her arms tightly crossed over her chest, her body as close to the door as possible and her face turned toward the window.

Before now I thought I wanted to find Brooklyn to reassure her, but now I knew. I needed the reassurance that she would stick by me. I was afraid that it would be too much to ask.

I looked around, marveling at the ocean, waves lapping on the perfect beach almost completely deserted. It was spring and the days were bright, hot and perfect. Nobody knew why the weather was so hot, as if it was summer, but I truly enjoyed every bit of it. More so today when Big No had knocked at my window last night to tell me that he’d drive me to the beach.

And here we were, eating an ice-cream fast melting while we were bathing in the sun with the light breeze drying our hair after a quick dip in the still very cold ocean. Perfect was the right word to describe that moment alone with Big No.

I lapped the last part of my chocolate ice-cream and licked at my lips before I turned to Big No who was looking at me with a smirk and sparkles in his eyes. I felt myself blush, but the sun was beating on us so I didn’t fear him seeing it.

“What?’’ I crossed my arms over my non-existent boobs clad in a red bikini top.

“You’re just cute.’’ He shook his head and looked back at the ocean and the few people frolicking in the water, laughing around.

“Cute?’’

He nodded and took my napkin to put it in the pocket of his discarded jeans a few feet from us. “Yeah, you know. All girly and shit. It’s funny.’’

“I didn’t know that being a girl was funny,’’ I mumbled and puffed some air. He could be such a jerk sometimes.

He bumped his shoulder into mine and I had to smile. He was so annoying! I bit down on my lips, but my smile escaped me. He snickered and ruffled my hair. I punched his shoulder and pushed him away, weak move since he didn’t even budge.

“It’s not an insult, Little B. It’s strange for me to see you growing up, that’s all. Sometimes I think of you as a little girl and sometimes I realize you’re almost a teen. It makes me feel older, you know?’’

“You always talk about my age.’’

“I need to be remembered sometimes.’’

“What does that mean?’ You often say that.’’

He sighed and ran a hand in his hair, his eyes getting a faraway look. “You’re mature and you’re the only one I can talk to about my dreams, my big life plans.’’

“I’m your best friend.’’ I laughed and it was eerie, too high-pitched to be normal as I felt high wired. I loved it when he let on how special our bond was. I always needed that kind of reassurance with him. I had other friends at school, was often invited to sleepovers or birthday parties, but these were nothing compared to what I had with Big No. For me, he was family.

“Stop fishing!’’ He laughed and laid down on the towel.

With his eyes closed and the soft smile turning up his mouth, he was gorgeous. I could have never guessed what his home life was by just watching him. I laid next to him and looked up at the sky, letting the sun hit my eyes and burn slightly, just enough to make my eyes water. The endless blue skye was beautiful and I was with the guy I secretly loved. It was an awesome day, one of the few we had left.