Six Years (29 page)

BROOKLYN

As soon as he stopped the car, I opened the door, ready to jump out and run away from him. I needed my space and this tense silence was driving me completely nuts. This shitty situation wasn’t his fault and I didn’t want to make more of a scene than I already did, but when I hurt to this extreme, I had a hard time controlling myself, as kind and sweet as I could be otherwise.

“Wait, Brooklyn,’’ he called out with a tired voice, defeated almost as if expecting me to not listen and just ignore him. He should know by now that ignoring him is impossible for me. He’s too ingrained in me.

I tensed and looked at him over my shoulder, not turning around. It was a small thing, but to me not turning around to listen to him was a big step. It meant that I wasn’t completely at his mercy, just waiting for any kind of attention.

“There’s nothing to talk about right now. We don’t know if she’s pregnant or not and to be honest, I think she is. She wouldn’t have come here otherwise. And, three weeks late? It’s a lot.’’ My voice was surprisingly steady, not at all shaking from the overwhelming need to cry and scream at the top of my lungs for this nightmare to end. I gripped the door handle, ready to bolt before the dam broke.

“It doesn’t mean that it changes what’s going on between us. I don’t want it to change.’’

I laughed and it tore out my throat, hurting my ears and more importantly, making the hole in my chest even more hollow. “Stop this nonsense, Nolan. Go back to your hotel and just…just give me this one night to digest this stuff.’’

I knew I was pleading, I knew it was weak and pathetic, but I didn’t care anymore. I left the car in one jump and walked away toward my building, fishing my keys from my handbag, not turning around to look at Nolan still in his car, probably waiting for me to be safe and sound in my apartment before he drove away and toward the girl who might be pregnant. For all I knew, he might even go back to her at some point down the line.

At a sprint, I climbed the stairs, walked to my door and entered my deserted and quiet apartment. I turned on the light of the living room and locked the door before I leaned my back against it, my head hanging down, my hair falling haphazardly in my face. I punched the door with my palm and reveled in the pulsing pain coursing through my hand. But it didn’t last and in fact it didn’t even divert my attention from the despair I felt. I had touched my biggest dream, touched it and even tasted it, but now I was to be deprived of it so suddenly.

“Open the door, Brooklyn. I can’t leave things like this.’’ Nolan’s voice came through the closed door, muffled and yet very audible.

My heart rose immediately, beating louder and faster as my breathing followed suit. A shiver broke out all over my body and it was stronger than my resolve. I stepped away from the door and unlocked it. My eyes clashed on his immediately before he grabbed me and crushed his lips to mine, eagerly so.

It was desperate, tugging at my heart, my lungs, my stomach and my need for him. Everything was crashing back, everything was turning into a life or death meaning as if I would never be able to see him again, feel his firm body against mine, taste him again.

I wrapped my arms around him tightly, clawing at his broad shoulders to not get away. I parted my lips as soon as his tongue teased my lower one, getting me hot and bothered instantly. When our tongues started to brush each other, tease each other, my legs shook and I tried to get even closer to his body. His hands spasmed on my small back and neck. Then, when I was starting to get dizzy, he broke the kiss and trailed open-mouthed and heated kisses along my jaw and down my neck. Whenever the tip of his tongue brushed my skin, I let out a desperate moan, clawing some more at his shoulder before I balled his shirt. When his attention was on my collarbone and he thrust against me, letting his desire known as it pushed into my belly, I sobered and pushed him away.

His eyes, glazed, questioned me. His lips were red and swollen from his kisses and his chest was heaving as his hands were still on me, tightly keeping me where I was even if now a small space was between our body.

I kept my hands on his chest, unable to fully break the contact, but the lust, blind and powerful wasn’t in me anymore. I wanted him and I always would, but I couldn’t do this knowing how his life could change. We both deserved more than the kind of sex used only to forget things. That was the kind of sex I had with the guys I used to date, the guys I didn't care about all that much.

“We’re messing up everything, Nolan.’’

He put his forehead against mine and sighed. A new wave of tears threatened to assault me, but I willed myself to be brave, to be hard. To be an adult about this. Instead, I let myself remember what it was like to be that connected to him because I didn’t have a doubt that we were connected and it had nothing to do with our friendship.

“Just when I had forgotten about how much younger you are and how weird it is to feel this way for you, this shit happens. I hate this. I really do.’’

“I know.’’ I caressed his chest where his heart was beating fast under his flesh. “We never talked about a future for us, though. Maybe we knew deep down that it had an expiration date.’’

“I don’t believe that.’’

“You’re going to travel for the adaptation of your book, you have another book due with your publisher, you are going back to New York. Obviously, all of that stuff would have come between us.’’

“We could make this work. And I know people in the music industry. I could contact them for you, or you could audition for a music program in New York and I’d help you with money. We could make this work, Brooklyn.’’ He leaned back to better look at me, but he kept his hands on my body.

“Stop it.’’

“Why? Because talking about the future scares you?’’ He bit back, his eyebrows lowered on his eyes, darkening his features.

“We’re not in a fucking fairy tale or in one of your books in which you can write the end you want. For all you know, I’m not good enough to ever live off my music and we might fall out sooner rather than later. And have you forgotten about your kid?’’

“Don’t talk about a kid! We don’t even know if she’s actually pregnant! Fuck!’’ He pulled away and turned around, his breathing as loud and fast as if he’d run around the neighborhood at top speed. “She can’t be pregnant.’’ Now his voice was broken, pleading.

At hearing him so broken, at seeing the anguish tarnishing him, I had the insane urge to take him in my arms and forever do my best to make him feel better, to make him forget. I would even let him lose himself with the sex if it would help, but I knew deep down that it would only delay things, delay the come back to reality, a reality inescapable. And I was firm in how I saw it; if I’d let him sleep with me now, it would put a dent to our relationship, whatever this relationship would be from now on. But I didn’t move.

“Don’t beat yourself up.’’ I cleared my throat and fought back the increasing lump in my throat, making it hard to let my voice carry in the quiet room. “If you need me, I’ll be there for you.’’ As if I could just up and leave him to this. I’d had never been able to leave him in my life and it wouldn’t start now, even if it broke my heart. It wasn’t even selfless, it’s just that I wanted him in my life, one way or another.

Sharply, he turned around, his eyes narrowing on me as his chest was still heaving. The muscles in his arms bunched to breaking point as he closed his fists at his sides. “Don’t ever say that you don’t fucking want to be in my life.’’

“I won’t, Nolan.’’

“Good,’’ he replied and walked back to me, towering over me, his eyes displaying a darkness I had never seen inside of him, a darkness that tugged at me, frightened me and in a twisted way, turned me on because I knew he felt so strongly for me. Whatever these feelings were. “Because I’d fight for us, Brooklyn. I would never back down.’’

I tilted my head on one side, assessing him. “You wouldn’t respect my wish?’’

He shook his head, but all the while he never lost the eye contact. “Not if it’s not good for either of us.’’

“As if watching you raise a kid with another woman wouldn’t be painful for me.’’ I rolled my eyes at him, not understanding how blind to the situation he could be sometimes. “Do you realize that I’m heart broken right now?’’

He closed his eyes as if in pain, his eyebrows bunched and his mouth in a straight line, his lip ring the only thing standing out. He re-opened his eyes quickly and cupped my face very softly, his hand slightly shaking on my cheek. His thumb traced a soothing abstract pattern on my skin and I had to fight not to close my eyes and nuzzle into his palm.

“Are you, really?’’ His voice rumbled from deep in his chest, all low and dark.

“Don’t play dumb. You know how I feel about you.’’

“Do you love me?’’ I took a step back and crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t want to say these words right now, not like this, not when we were unsure of what to expect next. “Brooklyn?’’

“Stop.’’ A tear fell and I brushed it away quickly, but his eyes didn’t miss it. He sucked on his breath and closed the space between us before he caged my head in between his big hands, tilting my head upward as to lock eyes with him again. I couldn’t escape him, or the intensity in his eyes. My heart was ready to sail away, beating so hard in my chest that it felt like my whole ribcage was trembling.

“Why? Is it something you don’t want to face too?’’

“Funny coming from the guy who had a hard time facing his attraction to me.’’

“But now I’m all in, Brooklyn. Every fucking bone and every fucking cell in me is all in.’’

“All in what?’’ I dared to ask, my lips tingling and my breathing erratic as hope seized me against my better judgement.

“In love.’’ He brought his lips against mine, not really putting any pressure, just grazing mine torturously. “I’m in love with you like I’ve never been, like I never thought I’d ever be. You hold up my heart, so don’t give me back broken.’’

“I shouldn’t say these words, not like this, Nolan.’’

“If you’re waiting for the perfect time, it will never come. There’ll always be something to mess it up, but it doesn’t mean that we should wait or keep everything inside. I want to hear it.’’ His lips traced all the words against my slightly parted lips, his lip ring warming with the friction. “Tell me what you feel for me.’’

“I’ve always been in love with you, but these few days with you have been like a renewal of my dreams, bringing back hope.’’

He put his forehead against mine again and sighed as if relieved. Though, it wasn’t a surprise. Everybody in this town knew I’d always had a crush on him, but not many knew how deep my feelings went, how rooted to my soul they were.

“We can do this, then. Believe it, please, for me.’’

“I can’t.’’ I ran the tip of my fingers along his square jaw, letting the five o’clock shadow scratch my fair skin. “I’m not an idealist and I’m not the optimistic kid you knew. I can’t take this heartache. I’ll be there for you, but not like you want me.’’

His grip on my face tightened slightly, not painfully but enough to show me his anguish at my words. “We love each other and I’m not going to accept losing you, losing the best thing in my life just because…’’

“Just because you may have knocked up your ex?’’ I didn’t try to escape him. I needed to look him straight in the eye and not let myself get in the moment of this close proximity. I let him keep my face in a vice grip, but I needed to be away from his tantalizing mouth. “Maybe I’m not mature enough, but I can’t be with a man I love and have him tending to his ex-girlfriend while she carries his baby.’’

He released me and I saw something that jabbed at my heart. His eyes were moist. Without thinking, without any reason anymore. I grabbed him behind his neck and tugged on his head until I crushed my lips on his. He didn’t hesitate, didn’t question me. He parted his lips and immediately took the lead, wrapping his arms around me and pushing me into his body as desperation dripped from every brush of our lips, every nips of our teeth and every caress of our tongue.

Yeah, we were totally and completely enrapture in that desperation.

I moaned into his mouth and went on my tip toes, seeking his heat, seeking his body. He growled and backed me to the small lunch table. Roughly, he grabbed my waist and hoisted me onto the table without breaking the kiss. Our teeth came in contact and it drove me mad. I nipped hard on his lower lip, tugging on his lip ring before swiping my tongue over it to soften it while Nolan’s hands were roaming my body, not missing a thing. He forced my legs apart and settling between them, pushing his hips into the apex of my thighs. When his hard length came in contact with my aching core, I moaned and broke the kiss. Unable to resist, I thrust back and he grabbed my hair, tugging at it with strength to angle my face in order to kiss me more deeply and to submit me to him. I went without a fight. I needed it.