Six Degrees of Lust (24 page)

Texas. And it was going great. We had the most amazing se… I

mean, connection…” He lowered his head, chagrined he almost

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said “sex” in front of his daughter. “I don’t really know him, but

I could tell he was keeping his distance from me. And that’s okay,

because I do the same. Your old man hasn’t been in a relationship

since he divorced your mom, you see. But Mac… that’s his name,

by the way, Machlan. Irish boy, like me.” He shook his head and

dug his fingers even deeper in the dirt. “I’ve got to admit, it

bugged me that he was. Keeping his distance, you know, and then

we got into this stupid argument and I acted like a godda… like

a di—like a not very nice man and now he’s gone. And I should

be happy about it, shouldn’t I? I should be happy I got what I

needed from him and now I get to focus on making things right

for Nicky. Not to mention, there’s a new case the team’s been

working on that’s driving me crazy. I won’t be able to sleep well

until we’ve caught this mother—this very bad man, so I need to

concentrate on that… And you know me. I refuse to get attached

to people or have them get attached to me…” He took several

deep breaths. “I told him about you, sweetie. He asked and I told

him, just like that. Think you can help me understand why would

I do such a thing?”

He talked some more and listened intently for an answer, but

by the time he said his goodbye and headed back to his SUV an

hour or so later, his mind and emotions were still as clear as mud.

June 22, 2009

New York City

The phone chirped twice.

Had he not been in that transitional place between wakefulness

and sleep, he would have never heard it. He blinked twice and

rolled on his back.

1:32 A.M.

He blinked again and reached for his phone.

There was a text message from Mac.

Sam moved the covers to the side and sat on the edge of

his bed, suddenly fully alert. For some reason the phone slipped

out of his hand. He picked it up and touched the screen. Three

attempts later he was able to access the message.

I shouldn’t have left the way I did. There are things I

need to say, if you are willing to listen.

Sam didn’t take one second to consider his reply, his fingers

flying over the keypad as soon as he finished reading the text.

He didn’t think about how hard he’d been trying to forget

Mac or how much it bothered him that he’d left without giving

Sam the opportunity to make things a little better after his totally

uncalled for words.

He didn’t think about the number of reasons why he shouldn’t

care Mac felt hurt.

He didn’t care about the fact that he never explained himself

or that he was probably breaking rule number five hundred by

even reading the text instead of deleting it.

If Mac had something to say, Sam damn well wanted to know

what it was.

168 Taylor V. Donovan

I’m willing.

Can I email you?

You can call me.

Sam sent the message and didn’t even blink, too tired to

try to understand why he did the things he did where Mac was

concerned.

It’d be easier for me to just write.

Then use my personal email

He typed his email address in and sent it to Mac.

I’ll be writing soon.

But, in typical Mac style, it would be days before Sam heard

from him again.

June 24, 2009

Houston, Texas

Were Mac a four-year-old boy he would be throwing a temper

tantrum. He’d probably be banging his head against a wall, that’s

how frustrated he was. And he would have it in some public

place, too, just so he could embarrass his mother to no end. Her

son’s feelings might not be of much importance to Sheila, but

her standing in the community and public image definitely were.

She would feel unsettled enough to grab him by the arm and take

him to some private space where she could lay down the law and

maybe, just maybe, he’d get a chance to demand she listen to

what he had to say.

Sadly, he was thirty-one.

He slammed down his cell phone and debated throwing it

across the room. Watching it shatter into several pieces wouldn’t

change anything, but it would sure as fuck help his mood. He was

disappointed in his family. Totally disgusted by their ways, and so

pissed at his friend Amy he could have shit a brick.

Once again his mother had called to pressure him into coming

home for the Fourth of July weekend. She was throwing a last

minute party to celebrate his father’s birthday and expected Mac

to be there with his family regardless of his prior obligations or

plans. She said family needed to be together, but Mac knew she

wanted him there just so that she could argue her case. Now that

time was running out, she took every opportunity to get him to

extend the terms of their deal to eight years instead of the five

they’d originally agreed upon.

That was so not happening.

But Mac didn’t want to argue with his mother, so he met her

suggestion that he reconsider coming out with absolute silence

170 Taylor V. Donovan

and tried not to feel hurt when she took yet another dig at his job.

He listened to her go on and on about how many other things

he could be doing with his life and ignored the disappointment

in her voice. But then she started scrutinizing his hobbies, social

life, and friends and he had enough.

Mac had asked her to stop. He’d told her those were his

decisions to make and she was crossing the line. He tried to stand

his ground and make himself understood, but five minutes into

their conversation he gave in and agreed to her request.

Five. Fucking. Minutes.

Christ, that was pathetic.

And so was the fact that he was still trying to get his mother’s

approval.

For well over thirteen years she’d discouraged him from

becoming his own person. She’d given him affection as a reward

whenever he did her bidding and withdrawn it when he did not.

He’d tried to talk to her about her behavior more times than he

could count, but she was blind and deaf when it came to his

goals and desires. Yet he refused to believe she was one hundred

percent uncaring. She was just convinced she knew best. And

Mac might be sick and tired of her manipulation, but he still

wanted her in his life.

Although he knew things could get ugly pretty fast if he

showed up at his parents’ house, he’d given in out of pure

exhaustion. His decision of coming out was irrevocable, but like

his mother, he could always argue his case one more time.

He’d given his family five years of pretense and discretion

for the benefit of strangers that didn’t mean shit to Mac. He’d

made good on their deal and worked damn hard on fulfilling

his obligations and commitment, and not once had his behavior

jeopardized the family’s name. But he couldn’t take it anymore.

They had no right to ask for more. He was done compromising

the man he really was and keeping himself on a short leash.

A few more months and Mac would be free. He couldn’t wait.

He was ready to live.

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And he was more than ready to give Amy a piece of his mind.

His mother might be doing her best to control his life but he

was not, under any circumstances, going to allow Amy to try to

do the same. He clicked on her number and waited for her to

answer. As usual, it took all of one ring for her to do so.

“Hi sugah! What’s—?”

“Don’t you ‘Hi sugah’ me,” Mac interrupted. “I told you I

didn’t want to go to Mother’s, didn’t I? I remember telling you

that lately I have zero tolerance for her antics and that seeing her

once in a blue moon is enough. I told you I want to stay as far

away from her as possible until our deal is up and you said you’d

respect my decision. Didn’t you say that to me?”

“Yes, I did, but—”

“But nothing!” He didn’t give a damn he was showing a lack

of manners that would shame him had the situation been any

different. With the way things stood though, he felt he had every

right in the world to be rude. “I just got off the phone with her.

She pretty much badgered me into going there for the Fourth.

Why did you tell her I’d reconsider if she called me? You have no

right to speak on my behalf.”

“But sugah…” Mac just couldn’t decide what was worse,

Amy’s insistence on calling people “sugah” or her shrill, whiny,

highly annoying sugary voice. It was as grating as listening to

nails on a chalkboard, and it had a spine tingling effect on him;

at times so bad he felt like covering his ears. Had she always

talked that way and he was only noticing now? “I know you don’t

want to go home, but it is Father’s birthday and you’re taking that

weekend off anyway. This is a special occasion and you can’t stay

away. We’re his family.”

“Special occasion or not, you can’t go around making

decisions for me.”

“But we never get to see you.”

“You see me all the time, Amy. And I have a job. I have

responsibilities and Braxton counts on me.” Amy chuckled at

that, and Mac realized her laugh bothered him even more than

172 Taylor V. Donovan

her voice did.

“Now I know you just want to be difficult. I understand how

important managing that… bar is to you but let’s face it, anyone

can make sure there are enough hot wings and beer to go around

while you take a few days off to be with your family. It isn’t like

you’re still a fireman and your job saves lives.”

“Like I said, you have no right to speak on my behalf,” Mac

said in a very low, very controlled voice, choosing to ignore

the way in which Amy had said “bar.” Like with her voice, he

found himself wondering whether she had always referred to his

job in such a contemptuous manner. Was that new or was he

just noticing? Maybe she’d been that way from the moment he

decided to quit his job at the fire station. It made him sad that he

couldn’t remember. She was like a sister to him, and they’d been

very close once upon a time.

“I do have a right to speak on Austin and Emma Rose’s behalf.

Being around family is something they need and you’re part of

it. Come on, sugah. Don’t be like that. Don’t get mad because I

want to do what’s best for the family.”

Now her tone was cajoling. It was the tone she used whenever

she was set on having things her way. The tone of voice that had

gotten him to agree to things he wasn’t one hundred percent sure

he was ready for. The tone of voice that would keep him from

doing what made him happy if he didn’t stand his ground.

Thing was, she was only an honorary member of his family.

They’d been best friends since pre-school, and at some point

Amy had become the daughter his parents never had. Mac was

fine with it. He adored her, so he understood why his parents

would, too. But lately he’d started to resent her being around.

She’d been his confidant and partner in crime. For years she’d

been the only one that knew he was gay. She’d accepted and

supported him, gave him advice. But at some point along the way

she’d stopped being his friend and morphed into an exact replica

of Sheila O’Bannon. She’d also changed her mind and decided

that the only way Mac could have a normal life was if he stayed

in the closet. Just like Mother said.

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He strongly disagreed with that and now they did nothing

but argue over it whenever they talked. She’d become rather

belligerent towards his friends and job, and truth was he really

didn’t know how to deal with her anymore.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on Mother anyway,” Amy

continued. “She only wants what’s best for you. We all do.”

“I’m an adult.” Mac’s voice was hard, but he kept his temper

in check. “I know what’s best for me. And as far as the twins go,

I’m highly aware of their needs, so give me some credit.”

“I didn’t say—”

“I’ll talk to you later, Amy.”

He ended the call and swiveled his chair around so he could

look out the window. After suffering through Amy’s sunny

disposition, it gave him some sort of twisted satisfaction to see

the current weather matched his mood, what with the tumultuous

skies and torrential downpour.

He took a deep breath and a few minutes to enjoy the view,

even though he had a million things to do out in the bar area

in preparation for the Friday night crowd he was sure they’d be

getting, regardless of the rain. The Five Alarm was a hot spot

and this was karaoke night, something the regulars didn’t miss

come hell or high water, but he wasn’t in any shape to leave his

office just yet. He needed to calm down and finish what he’d