Six Degrees of Lust (25 page)

been doing when his mother had called. What he’d been doing

for the past three days, one difficult line at a time.

Mac spun around and clicked on his computer mouse,

bringing back the email he’d been working on, set on getting that

out of the way once and for all. He read it twice, deleted a few

sentences, added several others and then read it again, making

sure the message was just right.

By opening up about a few things he was taking a huge risk.

Sam had wanted to remain as anonymous as possible and sending

the message as it was, with more information than he’d shared

with anyone in the longest time, could ruin his chances of ever

seeing the Sexy Super Agent again. But it could also get the guy

174 Taylor V. Donovan

to come back to Mac at least one more time.

He was still pissed at Sam. He didn’t like how much of an

asshole the guy could be…and he still spent half of his days so

hard for him Mac didn’t know what to do other than try and get

in bed with him again.

It was mind-blowing how much he wanted Samuel

Shaughnessy. How much he wished he could get to know him

a little better. A pesky voice in the back of his head told him it

wasn’t prudent, that staying away was the best he could do under

the circumstances, but he shut that bitch up soon enough. Not

so long ago he’d decided not to be with anyone until he was

completely out, but he couldn’t help himself.

Mac re-read the message he wrote and, before he could

sabotage himself by deciding the words weren’t right and he

needed to start all over again, he pulled Sam’s email address from

his cell phone, typed it up, and clicked send.

For a moment he considered texting the guy, but quickly

decided against it. It was better if he gave Sam time to read his

email and decide whether he wanted to contact him or not. After

the way Mac had behaved and ultimately left, it was only fair for

the ball to be in his Yankee’s court.

Swallowing the big lump in his throat, he closed his email

program and slid back in his chair, breathing his way through

bewilderment and anxiety. Flying to NYC to have casual sex

didn’t turn out to be as cut and dry as he thought it’d be. At

some point things had gotten blurry, making it difficult for Mac

to recognize what was real and what was mere projection on his

part during his time with Sam. He resented that he hadn’t been

able to remain detached, and flat out hated knowing that if they

were indeed one hundred percent through, he needed closure.

Lord.

Why did he leave the way he had? None of this would be

happening had he not acted like a total neurotic pussy four days

ago.

He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. Even if that

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175

amazing interlude weren’t over, he still had to focus on making

his life right. His meeting with the attorneys to discuss his

inheritance had set everything in motion. Having a talk with Amy

to find out whether he could count on her or not had been step

two. The talk with his parents was next.

He also needed to talk to Remy, his best friend.

“Shit!”

Mac had totally forgotten about his plans with the other man.

“Shit… shit, shit, shit!”

That was not good. He’d forgotten and now he was double

booked for the weekend of the Fourth, and no way was he

canceling his trip with Remy.

After months of constantly making up excuses to not hang

out and engaging in some serious bi-polar behavior that had

Mac worried out of his frigging skull, Remy had asked him to

come along to New Orleans for the inauguration of a friend’s

restaurant. The huge smile that took over his entire face when

Mac suggested they make a guys’ weekend away out of it made

his chest tighten. It’d been a while since Remy’s smile had reached

his eyes and it made Mac insanely happy and hopeful that things

were getting better for him.

He reached for the phone one more time to call Remy, ending

the call and dialing the kitchen’s number when he didn’t answer

his cell. “Hey Luc, it’s Mac. Can you get the boss for me?”

A few seconds later, Remy’s slow and sultry voice reached Mac

through the receiver. “Was that you ringin’ my cell two minutes

ago? I was elbows deep in boudin. Want me to send you some?”

“Nah, man. I’m not hungry.” Truth was he couldn’t eat a damn

thing with the way his stomach was churning at the moment. Not

even Remy’s absolutely delicious boudin. “I’m afraid I’ve got bad

news.”

“What is it?”

“I just agreed to go to my parents’ for the Fourth.”

“Didya, now?” Remy asked, surprise clear in his voice. He

176 Taylor V. Donovan

knew just how much Mac dreaded those visits lately, even if he

didn’t know exactly why. “How’d that happen?”

“It’s my dad’s birthday and Mother decided to celebrate it at

the same time.” He took a deep breath. “I totally forgot about

our trip.”

“Don’t worry about it, man. I can go by myself.”

“But I want to go with you. I’ve been looking forward to

this.”

He knew Remy was deeply troubled by something he refused

to talk about or even acknowledge. Because their respective places

of work were in the same complex they saw each other every

day. They talked about business, sports, life in general, and Mac’s

never ending family problems, but Remy had stopped wanting to

hang out months ago. As soon as work was over for the day he’d

go home or wherever it was he’d been disappearing to, because

after he’d failed to be there the four different occasions Mac had

stopped by to see him, he knew it wasn’t his house.

The trip to New Orleans would allow them to spend a lot

of time together and talk, and Mac was hoping his friend would

finally open up about his issues.

“How long are you going to your parents’ for?” Remy asked.

“A few hours. I don’t want to be there, plus I doubt they’ll

want for me to hang out if we end up having words yet again.”

“Then how ‘bout we go together and then drive to N’awlins

from your folks’?”

Mac grinned at his friend’s suggestion. “Could we?”

“Yeah. I don’t mind gettin’ there a little later than we originally

planned.” Mac heard him take a deep breath. “I want to spend

some time with you, Mac. You’re my best friend, and it’s been a

while.” He cleared his throat. “I also thought we could talk about

this thing that’s been ailing me while we’re away.”

“There’s something I need to talk to you about as well,” Mac

said. “We’ll go to my folks’, drive to New Orleans, and attend

your friend’s event, and after that me and you are gonna have a

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177

heart to heart.”

June 28, 2009

New York City

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: June 24, 2009

Subject: An explanation is in order

First and foremost I want to thank you for agreeing to

listen (or reading, in this case) to what I have to say. It’s

quite a bit, I warn you, and most of it nothing I believe

you’d have any interest in, but I need to put it out there

and would appreciate it if you read it anyway so that you

can understand where I’m coming from.

I’ve spent my entire life pretending to be straight. Not

because I’m ashamed of my preference or need time

to come to terms with it, but because I used to be a

total pushover when it comes to those I love. That’s a

personality flaw several people in my life have taken

complete advantage of.

When I came out to my parents back when I was 17,

my mother had the vapors (she actually uses that term).

She told me it was a phase and I had better get over

it before the folks in our town found out and my father

lost their votes in the upcoming election. The wealthy

republican mayor of a small town in TX couldn’t have a

gay son. After several arguments with my mother I let it

go and didn’t bring it up again for a very long time. Not

because I’m the best son in the world, but because my

boyfriend refused to come out.

Travis wanted to become a lawyer, but he depended

180 Taylor V. Donovan

on his parents’ financial support to attend school. They

would’ve taken it away in a heartbeat had they found

out their boy liked dick. Also, it was easier to spend time

together if our families thought we were just friends, so I

forgot about my own “equality for all” ideals and locked

myself in the closet with him. He went to college and

I headed to the fireman academy (my mother had the

vapors over that as well) and that’s where we stayed,

even after I started making money and offered to pay

for his tuition.

To number the “reasons” why he never accepted my

offer would take days, but I believed them all; at first

because I was in love and later on because by then I

was dealing with blatant homophobia in my line of work.

I knew I couldn’t continue to be a fireman if I was openly

gay. This went on for a few years. I had my own place,

but he’d never come over. We only met at seedy, out

of town motels where no one would recognize us. He

refused to go anywhere together, not even as friends,

insisted on topping (in the dark), and foreplay was non-

existent because somehow he was convinced that’s the

way gays do it. We’re still men, you understand, and

men don’t need all that romantic crap. We get hard and

we get off; end of the story.

I argued that point and tried to change his mind, but

ultimately agreed to do things his way. I thought that

if I was patient enough, he’d come to terms with being

gay and stop behaving like a jerk in an attempt to prove

his masculinity. I thought that someday we’d be out and

proud together, move to San Francisco if we had to, and

adopt a couple of kids. Instead he went and married his

boss’ daughter without bothering to end things with me

first.

Around the time this happened I wasn’t happy with my

job either so, with both my personal and professional

lives turning out to be a huge disappointment, I decided

a fresh start was what I needed. I quit and started

working full time as a bartender at this great gay friendly

bar I’d been moonlighting at to keep myself busy.

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181

I was starting to work my way out of the closet when my

mother came to me. She begged me to give them a few

years, to wait until my father’s last term in office was

over before coming out as a gay man. Sucker that I am,

I agreed to five. Needless to say, the whole thing put a

hinder on my romantic life. I’m not a virgin, but I’ve only

been intimate with men a handful of times. Being with

Travis didn’t make me all that experienced either.

Now the five years are almost up, and for the first time in

my life I’m concentrating on me. I want to be true to who

I am and what I stand for. I want to learn my way around

and be able to date openly. I’m through acting like being

with another man is something I have to be ashamed of.

And eventually, I hope to fall in love with a great guy and

have a healthy relationship, which is why I’d decided I

wasn’t going to see anyone until I was completely out

to the rest of my family and my friends. I won’t do to

anybody the kind of shit Travis did to me.

This brings me to my encounter with you.

You’re so hot and sexy that I couldn’t help myself. I

couldn’t resist. Being from out of town, I figured I could

be with you without worrying about who might see me.

My plan was to get in, get mine, and get out, but I messed

it all up because I wasn’t expecting what happened in

that room. The sex was phenomenal both times, but it

was also the kind of sex I never knew before. You did

things the man I loved refused to no matter how often I

asked for them. It gave me a false sense of connection

between us and I hated that I was getting to experience

so many new things with you.

I zagged when I should have zigged. I was torn between

wanting to dissociate and trying to get something from

you that would explain or justify what’d happened

between us. That’s why I taunted you and asked

questions I shouldn’t have. I was having a hard time

accepting that sex with my boyfriend and the few guys

I dated after him sucked while sex with a stranger was

so damn good.

182 Taylor V. Donovan

But now that I’ve had time to cool off and properly

analyze the situation, I’m certain I don’t need that

explanation anymore. That I never needed it. Nothing

special happened that night. If anything, it was physical

chemistry, and I failed to recognize it because I never

had normal sex before. Or at least that’s what I’m

inclined to believe at this point.