Shadow of Shame: Book 1 of the Shadow series (12 page)

The swelling on Ivy’s ankle had gone down, and she was able to limp around and put a bit of weight on it. She sat on the sofa, knitting a pair of mittens for Zoe. With winter coming, she wanted to be sure Zoe would keep warm.

Ivy was fond of Zoe, but she found herself feeling a bit jealous of her. Was there room in Jonas’s heart for more than Zoe? She quickly banished the thought. She realized love for a child was a different kind of love than romantic love. The love she had for her sisters and parents were different than the love she felt for Jonas.

“You have a visitor!” Lavinia called, and Peggy followed Ivy’s mother into the sitting room.

“Oh, you poor dear.” Peggy plopped down on the sofa. She handed Ivy a covered dish. “I made you some cookies. They always make me feel better.”

“Thank you, Peggy. How sweet of you,” Ivy said. “I’m not sick, though. My ankle's just a bit sore.”

“Your mother told me about your fall,” Peggy said. “While you were with Jonas, no less. How are you two hitting it off?”

Ivy had no intention of telling Peggy how she really felt about Jonas. It was too soon. So she said, “He’s a good friend. I’m helping his—the child he has taken in—with her speech and learning. As usual, Jonas keeps pretty much to himself, but he’s really taken with the little girl.”

“Lucas Smith said he saw her and Jonas the other day walking into your house. He said the little girl is colored. I wonder how she came to be in Abilene, since there've been no colored families living here since Samson left,” Peggy said.

Ivy thought quickly. “Well…he found her on the west side of town, so there must have been a family there that no one around here knew about.” Ivy prided herself on having not told a lie.

“Do you think her parents were slaves from the South?” Peggy asked.

“Maybe,” Ivy said. “Or her grandparents were. Regardless, she's adorable. I’m quite taken with her.”

“I also came to tell you that Edward has been courting Hattie. Hattie, of all people! I’m beyond heartbroken,” she said.

“You don’t look heartbroken,” Ivy said.

“Ivy, you can’t see my heart, so how would you know if it were broken? I can tell you: it is.”

“I’m sorry, then. Maybe it’s not a serious courting, and he’ll soon discover he really cares for you.”

“He’s never cared for me—it was always me chasing him.”

“Ivy, you have another visitor!” her mother announced. “You
are
popular today." She led Jonas into the sitting room.

“Jonas!” Ivy sat up straighter. Her hand automatically went to her hair to be sure it wasn’t too messy. “You know Peggy, of course.”

Peggy greeted him, and then said, “I heard what happened at the dance, and I also want to thank you for rescuing Ivy.”

Jonas smiled with a shrug.

“And you know,” Peggy continued, “no one has seen Boyd since. I suppose he’s too ashamed to face anyone.”

“I think you’re right, Peggy,” Ivy said. She put her knitting back into her bag.

“Well, I’ll let you two catch up on news. I have to babysit the McCoy twins,” Peggy grimaced, and left the room with a wave.

Jonas took a seat on the wing chair across from the sofa. “I just stopped by to see how you were doing. How’s the ankle?”

“Much better," she answered. She patted the sofa cushion next to her. “Sit here, Jonas. We need to talk, and I don’t want to shout across the room.”

He moved to the farthest side of her sofa. “I agree. I'm apologizing again for what happened the other day. I had a weak moment. I’m sorry it happened.”

“Is that all it was to you, Jonas?” she asked. "A weak moment?"

“Yes. Do you accept my apology?”

“No, because for me it wasn’t just a weak moment,” she said. “It meant something to me. I will never regret that it happened. I’ll always cherish those kisses.”

Jonas looked down at his hands, fiddling with them. Ivy waited to hear his response to her pronouncement.

Finally, he said, “The kiss was a mistake. It meant nothing to me other than that I need to learn how to control myself better in the future.”

His words wrapped around her heart and squeezed. She sat speechless. She knew from experience that her cheeks must be burning red.

“I have to go. I just wanted to make sure you were healing.”

“Why?” she asked. “Because it happened on your property?”

“Ivy, can’t we still be friends? I value your friendship, but I felt the need to set the record straight. I don’t want you hurt later about anything—”

“No worries, Jonas, I’m fine.” Ivy forced her words. “As soon as I can walk properly I’ll be coming to visit Zoe. I’m sure you can keep yourself busy elsewhere while I work with her.”

“I’m sorry,” Jonas said. He stood and walked to the archway where he’d entered. “Take care.”

All the way home, Jonas felt a hurt deep in his chest. He loved Ivy, yet he’d had to hurt her. There was no other way. He couldn’t ruin her life by her being associated with him.

Later that day, Jonas turned from watching a new horse run in the corral to see a wagon come down the lane. He walked over to meet it and was surprised to see Reverend Hiram Jeffries driving the wagon. His first thought was that the man was coming to chastise him for the rude treatment of his daughter.

After mutual greetings, Hiram announced, “I have the things my church collected for Zoe.”

Jonas looked into the back of the wagon. It was loaded with boxes. Some of them had an assortment of objects sticking out the tops. He saw books and dolls, as well as clothing. He was a bit embarrassed that the people should think Zoe a charity case, but to refuse them would be rude.

“Please thank them for me,” was all Jonas could manage to say.

“It's a good cause, Jonas. You’re a hero,” Hiram said.

“Sir, I’m glad you stopped by. I’d like a word with you. Would you mind coming inside?”

“Certainly. Then I’ll help you unpack the donations.”

Jonas led him into his home office, because it was neater.

They sat, Jonas behind his desk, and Hiram seated in a chair on the side of the desk.

“What’s on your mind, Jonas? Is it about coming to our church?”

“No,” Jonas said with sadness. “If the merger goes through, I’m afraid I’ll be without a church.”

“What? You’ll never—"

“Let me explain.” Jonas cut in. “I have a story to tell you, and I only ask that you listen and not say anything until I’m finished, all right?” Jonas asked.

“Certainly,” Hiram said. “I’m a very good listener.”

Jonas proceeded to tell Hiram Jeffries the whole story. He didn’t look at Hiram as he spoke, because he didn’t want to see the look of horror on his face. When he was finished, he looked at Hiram, and much to his surprise, saw absolutely no expression at all on his face.

“That's a very interesting story, Jonas,” he said. “Does Ivy know the whole story?”

“Yes,” and then Jonas went on to explain what happened at the barn dance, and how Ivy found out. “Then, of course, I filled her in on the details. She knows everything.”

“Thank you for rescuing her,” he said. His face expressed deep thought.

“I couldn’t have you thinking of me as a hero, and I don’t want to lie to you about Zoe. I’m proud that she has my name and is my daughter,” Jonas said.

Jonas waited for the minister to lambaste him, and tell him to never cross his path or his daughter’s again. Instead, he remained silent, as if in thought. He felt sure he would put an end to his ever seeing Ivy again.

Finally, Hiram spoke. “I think you’d like our church, Jonas.”

Jonas’s mouth hung open in surprise. “You still want me there?”

“Don’t be silly. Of course I do. You’ve more than atoned for your sins, and God has forgiven you. Do you expect less from me, His servant?”

Jonas wasn’t sure about what he might say next, but the words popped out before he could stop them. “One of the reasons I told you all this was because I think Ivy’s developed tender feelings for me, and I’d hoped my story would cause you to—“

“To tell her to stop having feelings for you?” Hiram said. “To forbid her from seeing you? Nonsense. I’ll do the opposite. I’d be proud to have you court my daughter. I’d feel safer with her in your hands than anyone else’s. I know you’d never make those mistakes again by the way you’re punishing yourself now.

“Come back to Grace Church. No one there will dare say a harsh word about you, trust me. I’ll tell them in advance, if you decide to come. I’ll build up your character so that no one will dare say a word against you. Once they know you have my approval, you won’t have to worry.”

Hiram cleared his throat. “However, I do need to tell you a few things about forgiveness and guilt.

“To continue to punish yourself for sins for which Jesus died is an insult in the face of God. Do you feel it right to spend time in misery to show your proper penance? Do you think God wants you to feel bad for your sins after he's already forgiven them?”

“I feel,” Jonas said, “like I need to be humble, and I feel unworthy for the horrible person I was. I feel as though I no longer have the right to be happy and enjoy life. At least until Zoe. She’s brightened my life so much.”

“I understand, but guilt is one of the biggest reasons so many live defeated lives. Satan is using that against you, and you need to fight back. Are you going to let Satan win? Guilt can make you feel dirty and unworthy, and it will eventually rob you of faith and confidence in God and His forgiveness. Jonas, you need to dump that guilt.

“You are being held in bondage by your past. You need to move on from it with a clean slate.

“Well, Jonas? Say something. Have I managed to knock some sense into you?”

Jonas nodded. He’d never thought about Satan being the one pulling him down. He finally said, “No one has ever said the things you just have, and I know, in my heart, what you said is true, but I still feel undeserving.”

Hiram said, “2 Corinthians 5:17, ‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’

“Why do you think God wanted us to be new creations when we enter His royal family? Because He doesn't want your past to be a part of you anymore. He wants you to be washed clean from all your sins and wiped clean from your past!”

“It’s all up to you now, Jonas.” Reverend Hiram Jeffries stood and walked to the door of the office. Jonas rose and met him there. He then threw his arms around Hiram and wept in his arms. Hiram let him weep.

Jonas finally pulled away and said, “Thank you.”

“Does this mean you no longer want me to forbid my daughter to see you? Because I wouldn’t have anyway. She’d be courted by a man with the cleanest slate in Kansas. If that’s what you want, that is.”

“I didn’t want my reputation to pull her down. I didn’t want her to be seen with me. I felt like I wasn’t worthy to shine her shoes,” Jonas said. “So I’m afraid I purposely hurt her to scare her away.”

“No wonder she’s had the doldrums. That’s up to you two to figure out, but you won’t get an argument from me when you do.