Shades of Obsession (3 page)

I stop myself,
we cannot share details, we cannot have conversations,
we
cannot. I want him to go, I want him gone, because I am trying hard enough to
keep things normal for the kids, I am trying hard enough to survive, it was
already agony, even before Luke returned to my life.

‘Is he always
that much of a dickhead?’ Luke asks about Rick.

‘Always.’

I am leaning on
the counter, but it’s not quite so innocent now that he’s here. I know his eyes
are on me but scariest of all, I know the effect he has on me, that he could
lift my skirt and take me now, or drop to the floor and suck and lick me and I
would let him.

 
It’s that potent.

But he does
nothing, and I should be relieved, because I cannot ruin the boys’ lives, I am
only here for them.

I look at the
circle of chairs and he goes to head back out of the door, but as he does he
pauses. ‘Kills, doesn’t it?’

‘What?’

‘Normal.’

I know what he
means because I look out to the nodding heads, to people that I don’t feel I
belong with, and this is their normal.

It isn’t ours.

This is enough
for them.

It isn’t for us.

‘Luke…’ My voice
shivers as I say it - I love his name, I love that word and to be able to say
it now, to be able to voice his name and to see him respond, to have him here
in the flesh, to watch him turn around, to meet his eyes again, and yes, normal
is killing me.

‘Can we…’

‘It’s not going
to happen Portia.’ He warns me.

But it is.

I watch him head
back out there and I know that it is.

It has to.

It can’t not happen, because I am more turned on that I have been
in years, I am so turned on and he glances over and he catches the flare in my
eyes.
I walk off, I go outside and I stand and I drag in the night air,
and I wait, and I wait and I wait. My head is begging him to excuse himself
from the meeting, to come out right now and take me here, or maybe I should
have waited in the toilets, I go back to head in, to find where he is…. but
then I fold over and nearly break down, because this is my kids’ school, my husband’s
workplace, this where I could have been caught had Luke come out and I am ashamed,
I am so weak.

It’s cruel that
he’s back, it kills that he’s back, it is agony to head back inside and to see
the anger in Luke’s eyes as I walk back in.

Someone from
school canteen is asking if they can have a larger float, they are trying to
explain that there is a lot of time wasted, as they have to keep coming and
asking for money…

‘I don’t like to
have too much cash floating around.’ Rick says. ‘I know it can be a little
inconvenient at times…’ he is so fucking patronising, so obsessed with money,
and he’s the same here as he is at home - as if no-one but him can be trusted.
He drones on and on, about receipts, about how he is as careful with the school’s
money as if it were his own and I’m guessing, by the set of Luke’s jaw, that he
gets now why I’m reduced to stealing lube. I hate my husband and I just don’t
get it - why the women all hang on his every word and the men seem impressed by
him.

Why?

Rick makes my
skin crawl. He feeds off all the admiration from the mothers and he flirts with
them, just enough that they feel a bit special and I just can’t wait till I’m
gone, I can’t wait to tell the narcissistic prick that I’m out of here.

‘Let’s put it to
a vote.’ Rick says.

He’s so
diplomatic – not! Because now that he’s said his piece
no-one
will vote against him – even the person who suggested a larger float looks
hesitant to raise their hand against him.

Luke does.

I watch Natasha
shoot him a look, I see her shoulders tense and her ears and cheeks go pink at
her husband’s defiance.

 
‘Sorry!’ Rick says. ‘You have to be on
the committee to vote.’

Rick is furious;
I can feel it, especially when, as the meeting concludes, Luke goes over to
him.

I don’t hang
around to watch, I just hear about it later as we get ready for bed. ‘He’s
asked for an application to join the committee…’ Rick is savage as he
undresses.

‘Who?’ I
innocently ask.

‘That Luke
Masters.’

 
‘You said you wanted more people to put
their hand up….’

‘He’s trouble’’
Rick snaps as he gets into bed and he carries on moaning as I go into the
bathroom and undress. I stare at my body for a moment, at the breasts that were
small when Luke and I were together but are larger now, and I wonder if he
noticed that, I wonder if he’s thinking of me now. I run my hands over my
breasts, they are larger, riper, I tug at my aching nipples,
I
run my palms over them and down to my waist. I stare in the mirror and I want
Luke to be standing behind me, I want it to be Luke’s hands roaming my body.
 
There’s the flare of heat that kindles,
that always has at the mere thought of him, but it’s different tonight, I can’t
hold it down, I can’t subdue it, because he’s back in my life and there’s a new
memory now and one I can’t keep till I’m alone in the morning. I lean on the
sink and I think of his eyes on me in the school hall as I leant on the bench,
I think of him coming up behind me and my hand goes down to where it is warm
and waiting and I stroke myself. I think of him lifting my skirt and the
delicious sound of his zipper, I imagine looking out to the room as he fucks me
hard, as he slams it in to me the way only Luke has. Oh, God, I close my eyes
as I remember, properly remember, his huge cock inside me and the pain and the
noise it made. My thighs are starting to shake, I don’t need lube,
I
am dripping and oiled and soaking just thinking of him. I
kneel, I am kneeling on the bathroom floor, one hand is gripping the sink and I
am fucking myself with my fingers, with my husband on the other side of the
door. I look down to my bush and I wish Luke was within, I wish he
was
home, I wish he was sliding in and out of me now. I want
it to be Luke beneath me, not the cold, hard floor, except Luke wouldn’t like
that, Luke wouldn’t like what I am about to do – I can feel my come
building, I am panting and biting down on my lip to hush my moan, I am trying
to stop my come as Luke would want me to…

‘Portia…’

I am caught in
two worlds, Rick’s impatient voice from behind the door breaks into my fantasy,
but I don’t want to stop, I want to get back to Luke, to the complicated man
who makes me hold on to my come till I can’t hold on. Who insists that I hold
on, yet makes me scream, makes me writhe. I want to scream now, I am close, so
close, but I hear Rick call me again, he tells me to hurry up and I stand, I
lean onto the sink and I meet my eyes in the mirror and I feel as if Luke is in
here with me, I can almost see his smile of approval that I held on to my come.

I didn’t want to
though.

My face is all
flushed, my breasts ache, my mound is still pulsing and engorged, but if I
don’t go to bed in a moment Rick will come in, so I stop when I don’t want to,
and pull on the long t-shirt I sleep in.

I climb in bed
next to my husband but I am so turned on by Luke, I am twitching, I am unsated
and there is not a thing I can do, there is nowhere to go with my thoughts as
he chats on oblivious.

‘She seems nice
though.’ Rick says.

I lie there.

I pretend I
don’t know. ‘Who?’

‘Natasha.’ He
continues his hand is beneath the sheet and he gives himself a couple of pulls
as he says her name. He just lies there and chats and strokes himself as he
talks about the mothers who all adore him.

 
‘Efficient.’ Rick says and gives himself
another little tug.

Maybe he doesn’t
realise he’s even doing it.

Or perhaps he
thinks I don’t notice.

‘You did well
tonight.’ He rolls over to me. I get the slobber of his mouth, I don’t think
he’s brushed his teeth, I want Luke - his mouth is always so fresh and clean.
‘Did you put the receipt on the fridge?

I nod.

He comes in to
kiss me again and as I lie there I have to force myself not to turn my head
away because I want Luke’s tongue to be passing me ice-cubes dripping in vodka.

I want him so
badly now.

 
‘I don’t know what she sees in him.’ Ricks
says, because clearly I’m not the woman on his mind.

‘Who?’

I want to hear
his name again.

‘Luke.’

I’m told one
more time how well I did tonight and I’m kissed briefly again - that’s foreplay
to Rick. He’s not quite hard enough, so he has to use his hand and sort of
stuff it into me, and then off he goes to think about Natasha and the other mums
and I just lie there.

I wonder if
Luke’s doing Natasha now.

I wonder if he’s
fucking her hard now as he remembers us.

I’m in the wrong
bed!

Oh God, just the
thought of Luke and I am moaning.

I bite down on
my lip, I don’t want Rick to notice the change, but I’m remembering.

‘Oh yes…’ I hear
Rick congratulating himself as he builds to come. ‘That’s it…’ He’s not talking
to me, but I don’t care.

I can’t even
feel his
prick,
I just lie there remembering Luke’s
slamming into me.

I remember the
bites, the bruises,
the
tug of his hands in my hair
and I feel the rush again, but I hold onto myself, I will not come, not to
Rick, I lie there and simply refuse to.

I am saving
my comes
for Luke.

I run.

I don’t jog,
this morning, I run.

I’ve changed my
mind – I’m not going to have an affair.

Luke and I
cannot be an affair.

Affair?

I am crying
because that word doesn’t even work for us.

Affairs are what
normal people do – steal slices of times, visit hotel rooms and
restaurants miles away from their real worlds, make love and then go home and, for
the main, get on with the rest of their life while they are away from each
other.

But when I was
with him I could not be away from him.

He was
everything.

My body, my thoughts, my existence.

For six weeks I
was his.

And he fucked
with more than my body, he fucked with my head and maybe my parents were right
to step in, to demand that it ended.

I screamed at
the loss.

I begged and I
screamed and I ached through the withdrawal and I cannot go back there.

He is dark.

So dark, and I
cannot enter his shadow again.

I am a wife, but
more than that I am a mother.

I cannot get
lost.

I don’t wave to
the man with the dog this morning, I race past the car that sits idling and,
when I turn the corner and take the hill, I don’t stop at my house, I just keep
running, I run the whole circuit twice more and I cannot give myself to Luke
again.

I cannot.

I am back at the
top of the hill and, breathless, I stop. I take my headphones out, the birds
are singing, the sky is orange, the car engine is idling and life is normal, it
has to
stay
normal and not just for
my boys.

For my sanity.

I decide to just
get through my day, to race through my day - that I won’t stop, because if I
don’t let myself think of him I’ll be safe.

I make sure I am
busy, that I’m out, and I try not to stop.

Because the
second I do…

‘May I speak
with Detective Masters?’

I am sitting in
my car outside the police station; I am staring at the building and wondering
if he’s in it.

‘Can I ask who’s
calling?’

‘No.’

‘What it’s in
regard to?’

‘No.’

Luke’s a
detective - they’re surely used to people ringing without giving their reasons
and names.

 
Finally I am put through.

‘What?’

I almost choke
with relief at the sound of his voice, surly, abrasive; it’s the sound I most
love.

‘Luke,’ I gabble
it out. ‘Please don’t hang up. Can we just talk, just meet…’

‘You know we
can’t.’

‘Please….’

‘You know we
can’t just talk.’

‘But….’

‘You remember
how it ended…’ He says. ‘Do you really want to go back there again?’

‘It’s different
now.’

‘Yes, it is,’ he
says, ‘because if you thought it was too much back then, it’s a lot worse now.’

‘I never said
that it was too much.’

I didn’t, my
parents said it for me.

 
‘That was kids stuff then….’ He warns and
I don’t get it. I don’t get what he means.

We did nothing
wrong.

Except, everyone
said differently.

But there was
nothing wrong - it was just a bit rough sometimes, just a bit wild and, yes, it
got out of hands a couple of times... but then I stop trying to convince myself
it was normal, because it wasn’t.
He loathed my pleasure
,
it infuriated him
. He was trying to tame me, he said
and he did it by fucking me, over and over….

But he saved my
life.

Twice.

He saved it on
the day we met and again on the last day we met prior to this - and now I need him
to save me again.

‘I
have
to see you…’

‘Forget it.’
Luke says. ‘We had a short fling ages ago…’

‘It was more
than a fling…’

‘And we’re both
married now.’ I hear his angry breath and I am angry now too.

‘Are you the
same with her…
’
Jealousy grips me at the thought of
him and Natasha.