Shades of Obsession (2 page)

‘Drop it.’

Does he even
know that it’s me?

Does he even
care?

I turn to navy
eyes, to the sky that this morning I wanted to climb into, to the memories I
would have allowed myself to visit this afternoon.

It’s been fourteen
years since I’ve seen him and he was beautiful then, but he’s even more so now.

He’s taller, his
shoulders are broader, he’s dressed in a dark suit and tie, he is so immaculate
and groomed and grim faced that he might just as well have come from a funeral.

I thought that he’d
come from a funeral the day I first met him.

He said that he
felt as if he had.

I remember
standing by the lake, I remember my tears and the hopelessness I felt, and then
there was his hand on my arm, just as it is now - he stopped me that day, he
saved me that day and from that moment my heart has belonged to him.

I take in the
changes, but they are all good ones – time has served him well. There is
not a flicker of silver in his
jet black
hair, his
eyes that familiar dark navy and the only thing unkempt about him is that he
hasn’t shaved. He pulls me a touch closer to him and I get more of the scent of
him - he’s doused in expensive cologne but beneath that there’s the smell of
male that my body recognizes and it flares in instant response.

‘Luke.’ It is
the name that lives on the tip of my tongue, a name I have swallowed down for
so long, he is my past and now he is he here.

‘Put it back.’
His voice is low and his eyes are holding mine.

‘I don’t know
what you’re talking about.’ He doesn’t even seem to know that it’s me.

‘Put it back or
I’ll let the store know.’ He opens his jacket and I see his ID.

Detective Luke Masters.

A detective
– I would never have pictured him as that, there is so much about him I
don’t know, but then I guess he would never have pictured me as the school principal’s
wife, as a mother of twins, there is so much that has changed since that time.

He looks down at
the jacket sleeve I am holding closed with my fingers and I stand there
mortified, not because of what I’ve done, I am mortified at the sight of a ring
on his finger - my face is scalding, my eyes are filling, I want to spit, I
want to scream, jealousy spikes in my throat

‘Three choices.’
I just stand there - I can feel his eyes scan my face, I feel them linger on my
burning cheeks and then on my tongue as it bobs out to moisten my lips. ‘You
can drop it this minute, or I can march you down to security, or…’ I feel his
eyes on my neck as I swallow. ‘I can cuff you now and we can miss out the
middle man and I take you straight down to the station…’

It’s not just
the adrenaline at being caught, nor just the grip of him, or his warm breath in
my ear, but so easily his words arouse - I can feel the moisture in my panties and
the stretch of my breasts as they peak beneath my top and I want to turn, I
want his mouth on me, I want him again.

‘The last one.’

Except it
doesn’t move him, he doesn’t respond to my tease, instead he stares at me with
disgust.

‘Let it go…’ He
warns.

I loosen my
fingers and he shakes my arm a little, and we watch as the long, smooth tube of
lube falls into my palm.

He runs an eye
over my trolley, it is full – bursting with nice things, there’s
camembert
cheese, wine, olives, all the ingredients for the
nice middle class housewife that I am.

I put the tube
back on the shelf. ‘Aren’t you going to pay for it?’

‘I can’t pay for
it.’ I flare - angry not at him, but at the joke my life is, that everything I
spend is relegated to a
spreadsheet
, that there isn’t
even petty cash.

‘You need to be
careful, Portia.’ I feel my throat tighten as he acknowledges now that he knows
me, that he remembers our past. ‘Don’t take risks…’

But I want to
take risks.

I don’t say that,
I just stand there and I can feel my nose burn as tears rush in and I’m angry
at him now, angry at the man who stands here, who once knew me but no longer
seems to understand me. ‘Isn’t that the whole fucking point of shoplifting?’ I
hurl.

I’m in this mad,
dangerous place, before guilt rushes in, before shame, before I panic as to
what I’ve just done. I’m still riding the rush of adrenaline that gripped me at
the lipstick counter,
then
heightened as his hand
tightened on me, I’m still in the place where consequences don’t matter.
 
‘Just arrest me if you’re going to.’

‘I’m not.’

‘What are you
doing here?’ I beg – what are you doing coming back into my life? ‘Luke?’
I have to know, but he doesn’t answer my questions
..

He never did.

‘Just be more
careful.’

And then he’s
gone.

I am shaking as
I go through checkout, even as I pay my legs are trembling and it has nothing
to do with being almost caught stealing. My eyes scan the people, I am
desperate in my search for him, I am standing by the bakers and I want Luke, I
want him to take me by the arm really firmly and march me somewhere, anywhere,
the way he once used to.

Except he’s nowhere.

I load my
shopping in to the car, still breathless with anticipation, still waiting for
the touch of his hand, but he’s gone. I drive the short distance home and then
unload the boot and it’s the same old, same old, except it’s not, I’ve seen
Luke – that’s why the birds were quiet, the earthquake has hit and he’s
back in my life, but I don’t know where.

I hear the phone
and I answer it.

‘What’s wrong?’
Rick asks.

‘Nothing.’

‘You sound
upset.’

‘I’m not.’ I
tell him. ‘I’m just busy.’ I hear the pause, because I don’t know what busy is
apparently. ‘I’ve been shopping.’

‘Did you get the
stuff for the PTA?’

‘Of course I
did.’

‘On separate
receipts?’

‘Yes.’

God….

‘I need you to
go and get a cake,’ Rick says and he explains that it’s his secretary’s
birthday and, of course, he forgot.

And it’s down to
me to remedy it.

Now please,
Portia!

I put the
shopping away and then I head out. I get his sodding cake and I wait while her
name is decorated onto it. I try to do normal, but all I can think of is Luke.
All I can think of is him as my day is taken up with trivialities instead of
private moments where I can think of him and at three thirty I duly stand at my
car and remember to smile as Gina comes over with someone I don’t recognise.

‘Portia! Are you
going tonight?’

‘I’ll be there
about six.’ Not that I’m needed - I don’t take part, I just do the food and nibbles
and hang around in the kitchen, but Rick thinks it’s right that I attend. ‘Hi,’
I smile at the new mum to the school. ‘I’m Portia…’

‘Portia’s the principal’s
wife.’ Gina says and I watch the smile brighten on the other woman’s face as
she decides on the spot that I’m good to know! ‘This is Natasha. Her son just
started…’

And we chat
away, Natasha’s coming to the meeting tonight, she’s really looking forward to
being involved with the school and wants to be on the committee.

She’s an eager,
earnest woman and she clearly sees me as a good contact to have and normally
I’d be more enthusiastic and friendly but all I can think of is Luke.

‘I can come
early…’ she smiles, ‘help you set up.’

I thank her, I
try to carry on with the conversation, but it’s a relief when I see the boys
coming over, though not really, because it’s all a mad rush from then on.

Rick doesn’t
come home, but I get the kids dinner and then race upstairs to change and fix
my make up.

To look like the
perfect school principal’s wife.

I load the car
with drink and all the nibbles because even though it’s just a PTA meeting, he
carries on like it’s an actual social event, as if it’s a proper night out for
me.

I am approaching
and I just want to drive past, I just want to keep on driving… and in a few
years I will, I remind myself - when the kids are finished school I will be
free. I should have insisted they go to a different school than the one their father’s
the Principal at
-
 
I
simply can’t break up with him
now – it would be hell for them.

Of course, I
don’t drive on – I indicate and turn in, park and climb out.

‘Need a hand…?’
Gina comes over with Natasha.

‘Please.’

‘God, how much
did you bring?’ Gina asks.

‘Apparently it’s
going to be a long meeting…
’
 
They help me set up the chairs
and things and I put out the snacks and I try to chat, except I’m struggling to
be as bubbly and enthusiastic as I’m supposed to be, I just want to go home and
think about Luke. Why do I even have to be here?

‘Portia.’ Rick’s
all bright and raring to go and rubbing his hands together and then he comes
over and kisses me for everyone’s benefit but mine.

I don’t want his
mouth.

‘Luke!’ There’s a
note, not just of surprise, but of annoyance in Natasha’s voice, but even at
the sound of his name it doesn’t click, because never would I have expected him
to be married to her – never in a million years, but, as I look over, I
still, my world simply stops. I just stand there not even breathing as Natasha
speaks on. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I told you - I’d
try to get here if I could.’

I’m sweating.

I wait for him
to look, to catch my eye, to smirk, to scowl, but he doesn’t -he doesn’t look
at me at all, even when Rick introduces me.

‘Luke’s a
detective.’ Rick says, and now I vaguely remember him telling me about a couple
who
had just moved here and wanted their son to start
mid-term ‘I’m hoping that he’ll come in and give a talk to the children…’

‘As I said at
the interview,’ Luke doesn’t even attempt polite. ‘The
point
of being a detective is keeping a low profile – that’s
the reason we moved
-
 
I
want to stay low, so I’d appreciate it if you don’t introduce
me as a detective in the future.’

He walks off and
I see Rick’s jaw tighten, he’s just been snubbed and he knows it and can’t
stand it - most people, everyone really, smarms up to him.

‘Arrogant
prick.’ Rick hisses under his breath to me.

Still Luke
doesn’t look at me, not even when he comes over to the kitchenette hatch and
helps himself to dips.

‘Would you like
a drink?’ I gesture to the display, I’m trying very hard to speak to him as if
he’s just another dad, as if he didn’t catch me stealing this afternoon, as if
my panties aren’t soaked, as if he’s never fucked me to within an inch of my
life.

‘You know what I
like.’

He’s watching me
– even though he’s checking his phone, I can feel his eyes on me as I
head to the freezer.

‘Here,’ I hand
him a cup of ice but he doesn’t take it.

For the first
time since he’s entered the school hall Luke looks at me - he looks right at me
and he waits till my face is on fire, till I’m burning, till I pick up the jug
and pour the water into his cup with a hand that is shaking.

Then, without
another word, he heads back to the meeting and I stand there, leaning on the
counter and looking out - I do nothing really, I just pour drinks when people
come over to the hatch and then chat and mingle with the parents in the break
and things, but as I stand there, my heart is hammering as I try and fail not
to look at him. When Luke’s phone goes off I see Rick frown and then he points
out that he did remind everyone to turn their phones off or at least to silent.

 
Which is why Luke didn’t.

I feel the
ground open, I feel the earth start to split as Luke moves away from the
meeting, his voice carrying as he takes his call and I see Rick is getting
annoyed and so Luke heads into the kitchenette where I’m standing.

I am incredibly
awkward.

Ashamed.

I’m standing
here trying to play the perfect principal’s wife and he knows what a sham it
all is.

‘Well, you got
what you wanted.’ I turn and he looks as if he’s talking into his phone, but
his words are for me. ‘Or you got what your parents wanted.’

Tears fill my eyes,
as I look back out at my life, to the nice, safe middle class world where I
reside.

‘Stay away from
me Portia,’ he warns. ‘I came here tonight to tell you that. Our paths are
going to be crossing, I had no idea you were here when we moved, don’t go
getting any ideas.’

‘I’m not.’

But I am.

He knows what
I’m like, he knows my passion, he knows how I think, how frantic my thoughts
are right now.

‘Just stay
away.’

‘I intend to.’ I
tell him. ‘As if I need another controlling bastard in my life.’

Ah, but there’s
control and then there’s Luke’s control and my stomach folds in on itself as I
remember. I turn and I look at him, still holding the phone to his ear, still
pretending that he’s not talking to me, but we both know that I can’t lie to
him, we both know it is an impossible ask. ‘What if I don’t want to stay away?’

‘I’d fuck your
life up again.’

I stare back out
to the meeting my husband is lording over and my life is fucked up already, but
it’s steady, it’s safe, it’s predictable.

It is everything
Luke is not.

‘And you’re not
fucking up mine.’ He says, ‘I’ve got a son…’ He warns, ‘It isn’t just about us
any more.’

‘Do you think I
don’t know that?’ I choke back my tears. ‘Because if it wasn’t for the twins…’