Shades of Obsession (7 page)

‘It’s okay, baby…’
he says as I start to cry, he takes me in his arms and he holds me, ‘Portia,
it’s okay…’ He strokes my hair he reassures me, but I can feel him still hard
on my thigh, I can feel his tension, the tension that zipped through his
shoulders at my first come. ‘It’s okay…’ he soothes, but I know that’s it’s not,
I was riding him, fucking him and I’ve come twice.

I know him.

Or a part of him.

I lied to myself
- his eyes didn’t shutter with relief when he slipped inside me.

It was
restraint.

And I forgot to
be restrained.

 
‘I’m sorry…
’
 
I tell him. ‘I just got carried
away….’ I look into his eyes and I never want to be out of his gaze, ‘It’s just
that I’ve missed you so much.’

‘I know.’

‘I love you so
much.’ I tell him as his thumbs wipe my tears, he cuddles me into his chest and
I am back on my favourite pillow, I am sweaty and weak and I am with him again,
I want to get up to go for a pee, but I don’t want to leave him…

I run my fingers
along his cock, I just stroke it lightly…

I lie there, stroking
him, his cock is so beautiful, I have only one to compare it with, but it doesn’t
compare, it is so solid and long and I missed it so. I run my finger along the
thick vein. I run my finger over his tip and it moves to my command, I see it
twitch and I love it so much. ‘Can I taste you?’

I don’t wait for
an answer, and my mouth moves down his stomach, licking at the lovely trail of
dark hair, tugging it a little with my teeth, he holds my hair with one hand and
I feel the sting of him tugging as he lifts my head over his cock, I am licking
my lips, I open my mouth, but he is teasing me, holding me there hovering and I
almost whimper to be let down and then I feel the snap of something cool on my
wrist.

He jerks my head
up.

He sees the
shock on my face and I am shocked, we are rough sometimes, we’ve messed around
with ties and things, but not this.

He lies me back
on the bed, his breathing is harder and I can tell he’s pissed by my actions, he
lifts my arm and he puts the cuff behind iron of the bedhead and his cock is
waving over me and his balls are in my face for a second and I rub my lips on
them as he lifts my other wrist and cuffs it and then he stands and looks down
at me, watches me as I accustom myself to the new sensation.

I tug a bit…

I like it.

I like that I
cannot move my arms.

I tug again and
he’s looking down at me, and I smother the greedy smile on my face….

‘You’ve no idea what
you’re messing with Portia.’

‘I want to
though…’ I tell him. ‘I want to know what goes on in that head of yours…’

‘You don’t.’ He
says. ‘You need to get some control back Portia.’ He says. ‘You need to think.’

I refuse to
panic as he starts to dress.

It’s a game.

I know.

I know that he
cares for
me,
I know he wouldn’t really hurt me.

I know.

He puts on his
harness and picks up his gun and then he looks down on me.

‘I told you
you’d be caught…’ He says. ‘I warned you and you didn’t fucking listen.’

He leaves.

I know he’s
playing.

I know he’ll be
back soon, I know that he wants me, he hasn’t even come yet and Luke has to
come.

A lot.

I hear the door
slam, but I know he’s still in the house and I lie there and I am still turned
on. I lie there and I moan because I can’t touch myself, I wonder if he’s in
the hall, watching me and I writhe a bit on the bed at the thought of him
standing there stroking himself and watching me and then I still as I hear the
slam of a car door and the engine.

I lie there and
hear him drive off and it’s a game, I tell myself.

He’ll be back.

I know he will.

I look at the
clock, it’s ten to two and I know he’ll soon be back, he knows I have to pick
the kids up at half past three….

But he doesn’t
have a key.

I am starting to
panic, I tug at the cuffs and I am lying on my bed naked and cuffed and there
is no one in the house and I really do need to pee.

I didn’t at the
restaurant, Luke just walked off.

He’ll be back, I
soothe myself, but I am starting to cry.

He will have
taken my keys. I am whimpering as I lie there, trying to reassure myself and
then I hear an engine, hear footsteps, hear the doorbell and
I
 
can’t
quieten my panic,
especially when whoever it is drives off.

I am cold and I
really need to pee. I am lying on the bed sobbing and it’s getting later.

For fuck’s sake,
Rick might come home for something.

If I don’t pick
up the kids Gina will and she’s got a key.

He
is
a sick bastard.

He told me that,
he warned me that, I knew that, but I just chose not to know. I just ignored
all the warnings - he is bad and he is dangerous and I hate him so much, I
fucking hate his guts for leaving me like this…

I want normal, I
want an affair,
I
want a lover, not this.

My eyes are
stinging as I sob and I can’t wipe them, there is snot on my face and I can’t
wipe that either, my arms hurt, my wrists kill. I am terrified that I will wet
the bed, I am crying so loudly that I don’t even hear him coming up the stairs,
I just see him come through the door, suited and dark and his features are hard
and foreboding.

‘Bastard…’ I
hurl at him. ‘You’re a fucking sick bastard….’

‘Told you.’

He gets on the bed
and he opens my legs.

‘I hate you
Luke….’ I hear the sound of his zipper, I look down and his cock is so hard and
if a cock can be angry, then his is. I am sobbing and crying and he lifts my
hips and he says it.

‘Say no.’

I want to.

I am so close
to.

‘Say no,
Portia…’

But to piss him
off, again I defy him.

‘Fuck me!’ I say
and then when he does I recant, because it is so hard and angry, it sears into
me, and I sob, but he just keeps on, pulls me over and over down towards him, I
feel every tug in my wrists, the metal cuffs clang and grind on the metal bed
and he just goes on pulling me hard onto his massive cock. ‘I need to pee…’ I
beg.

I am trying to
hold on and not wet
myself,
for once I don’t even have
to try to hold on to my come.

‘Luke please, I really
need…’

He doesn’t
answer. He looks down at me as he takes me. He is filling me and slamming into
me and I am just trying to hold onto my pee, but I see his expression shift,
he’s lost, he’s relaxing, and there is no restraint there now.

He is fucking me,
finally Luke is fucking me properly again, how we like it, how I used to like
it, but I am cross, I am cold and I need to pee and my arms are killing me.
With every stab of him I feel as if my shoulders will come out of their
sockets. I am holding on to not pee for dear life… he is wearing a
suit,
I can’t wet the bed, how the hell would I explain that?
Every thrust hits not just my cervix but my bladder, it hurts to hold on, but
there is a wave of confliction as I hear Luke’s ragged breathing, as I feel him
move faster, as I warm to the friction within, as for Luke it builds, as he
leads me to somewhere, where somehow we get to be free. I feel the pull low,
low in my stomach, I want my hands free just so that I can grab him, I want my
head to bite at his chest, I want him to do this forever. I am trying so hard to
hold on… my arms and wrists are killing me, my body is on fire though and I
pant to breathe. He rubs my stomach, I beg him to not, and yet everything is
more intense, I feel the waves inside, I feel the every motion align – my
arms, my pain, my heat and oh, the sound of Luke’s breathing as he starts to
let go. I feel so much more
–
 
more
than I ever have and not just
in my stomach -my thighs are convulsing, my spine shoots electricity to the
back of my neck and I arch and lift against his hands, I hear him groan but
even as I start to shatter, still I have to focus, because I am scared that
I’ll pee. It feels strange to be both holding on and letting go, and Luke likes
my restraint, he pulls me tighter down to him, harder down to him, and it is so
intense and so deep, and now, as I come, he takes it. Now, as I come, so to
does he. He leans backwards, bucks faster and, then stills. He roars as if wounded,
I know that he is, and then he calls my name.

‘Portia!’ He
moans it as he shoots into me. ‘Portia…’ He says it again as he holds me still
and pulses into me and I am sobbing and crying, my face is contorting, my body
red and sweating and writhing and twisting against his strong hands and there’s
nowhere I can go, no where else I want to be, other than the new places he
helps me to find.

He crashes onto
me, crushes me, he is still in me and he kisses me. Luke says my name over and
over as if it too has lived on his lips all these years. His mouth leaves mine,
his lips brush my cheek, and then his mouth is behind my ear and over and over
he tells me he loves me.

We are back.

It is after.

I lie there a
moment trying to catch my breath and as he undoes the cuffs as he kisses my
sore wrists and rubs my sore shoulders, as I look down at the marks, the high
that was there, dissipates. I remember what he did, how he left me on the bed, I
remember the fear and the panic and I am angry again. I am back to how it was
again, I am fully remembering for the first time since I saw him, just how bad
things could be at times.

He carries me to
the toilet and runs a bath while finally I pee.

I look down at
my wrists, they are purple and hurt and I hurt deep inside of me too and I am
so conflicted, I am lost between elation and shame and I don’t know that I can
do this now.

He washes and
dresses me and I cover my new bruises with a watch and bracelet and then he
kisses me back to him, kisses me till I cry.

He opens a
window in my bedroom, so the scent of us can leave.

He smooths the
covers, he is always so particular, I can see now how good a detective he would
be.

I am shaken as
he takes me downstairs.

I am conflicted
and guilty and I have to get to the school.

‘Soon.’ He wraps
me in a throw rug and disappears and I can hear him, I know what he is doing,
and a few minutes later he is back.

He feeds me soup
with a hand that is completely steady. Tears spike my eyelashes and I stare
into his eyes and the look he gives me is pure and tender, there is so much
love between us now, so much patience and just so much he won’t tell me, so
much I don’t understand.

‘You are
beautiful.’ He tells me and tears stream down my face as he feeds me.

And then he stands - our tender time over.

 
‘Here.’ He goes in his pocket. ‘I got you
a present.’

‘A phone?’

‘A fuck phone.’
He says and he smiles at my frown because I’ve never heard of that either. ‘You
are so innocent, baby…’ He kisses me and then he is gone.

I make it to my
car, I drive to school, but when I park instead of getting out I just sit
there, I open a window and hear the noise and the chatter of a normal world. I
scan the car park and I tell myself I am not the only woman, there will be so
many people right here, right now, who have just come from a lover’s bed.

It’s an affair,
I tell myself. And affairs are wrong, I know and I never would have had one
with anyone other than Luke. I have and always will love him, but he’s so
messed up and he messes me up to.

No.

I am staying in
control this time.

I close my eyes,
and try to calm myself, it isn’t messed up, it’s just an affair and so many
people have them…

But it’s more.

I am
Luke’s
 
mistress
.

 
I hear the unfamiliar ring of my new
phone in my bag and my heart beats harder and I try not to look, I try not
answer, I try not to jump to his command, but I do and see that it’s a text.

Turn your phone to silent

I do as he tells
me.

I am back in
Luke’s shadow but as I see the kids approach, somehow I have to step out of it.

I can’t do this
I type,
you were right, it’s too…
 
I think of me found cuffed, I think of a
wet bed that almost was, I think of everything that is at stake, I understand
now what he said that day in the car park and I understand now what he meant,
well a little.

He is bad
,
he is dangerous
…

I stare down at
the phone, I will myself to hit send, to end it, to just stop now while we can.

But I can’t.

I don’t hit
send, I put the phone back in my bag, I smile at the kids, I wave to Natasha
and Gina as I drive past, I wind down my window and tell them that yes, I’ll
see them tomorrow at the gym and I think of my bruises…

And I talk and I
smile and I make dinner and help with homework, but every chance I get I hide,
I peek under my watch, or I lift my bracelet and I see the bruises, the
evidence, it takes six to nine days for a bruise to fade, what does he mean,
he’ so cryptic, I am back trying to work out his dark mind again, the shame is
fading, the want is already building….

I am back in
Luke’s shadow again.