Sex Secrets of an American Geisha (29 page)

T
he Asian Geisha’s profession involves teasing her clients with her skills (dance, musical instruments, conversation), her focused atten tion, her beauty, her femininity, and her sexuality. Very rarely, and not at all for most of her clients, does she provide any kind of sexual experience.

She saves the greatest commitment of her attention, time, and sexuality for only one man, her danna, or sponsor/patron. A geisha’s danna is a rich, usually married lover. She takes a danna only infrequently (though she may have several over her lifetime), traditionally through a special ceremony that resembles a wedding. It is somewhat similar to the ceremony that formalizes the relationship between the Asian Geisha Older Sister and Younger Sister. A geisha would essentially say to all of her clients who tried to go too far with her, “Oh, no, I could only do that for my danna” (even if she might be less direct in how she communicated the message).

The limitations that you, as an American Geisha, put on the men you are dating (or even on the one Good Man you are engaged to) are similar to the limitations the Asian Geisha puts on her clients. There are certain activi ties, such as moving in together or some sexual acts, that you may decide to reserve only for your husband. When that is true, you say, “I could only do that for my husband.”

My married readers probably already have established limits with your husband (or committed Good Man). Think explicitly of what those limits are; write them down. Then, consider whether it might help to revitalize your relationship for you to drop or loosen some of those limitations. I’m not suggesting that you make such changes, only that you consider making them.

No Manipulation

The Asian Geisha is not manipulating her clients by reserving certain inter actions only for her danna. She is not attempting to pressure them into say ing, “All right. I’ll agree to be your danna.” In fact, the most beautiful and accomplished geisha have a good number of clients who would willingly be come their danna, if only the geisha would allow it. Rather, the Asian Geisha sets limits on her clients for two reasons. First, she has very high standards that must be met by a man who would hope to become her danna. Second, and this is a “marketing” consideration, she knows that she must maintain a high-class, selective image in order to continue to attract the best clients, from whom she might eventually choose her danna.

As an American Geisha, you, dear Younger Sister, share both of the Asian Geisha’s reasons for setting limits on the men you date. Like the Asian Geisha, you have high standards that must be met by any man before you will choose to engage in certain interactions with him. Second, you are aware of maintaining your reputation as classy and selective so you will continue to attract appropriate Good Men. Neither of these reasons for setting limits is meant to manipulate men, my American Geisha trainee; they are meant to assist you in finding the one Good Man whom you chose to be with and who will choose to commit totally to you in marriage.

The Progression of Commitment

As a suitable, rich, older client commits to increasing his financial support for her, the Asian Geisha may be willing to allow him to become her danna, to give him her sexual favors on an exclusive basis. You, the American Geisha, are much more generous to your men than the Asian Geisha is. You, Younger Sister, may decide that a Good Man could be any particular age, rich or poor, any class, any race, have any job or any amount of schooling. However, you and your Asian Geisha sister are united in your insistence upon a greater and greater commitment from a man before you become more sexually and emotionally involved with him. Your progression is from a Wrong Man (no commitment and no sex) to a Good Man (monogamous commitment and good sex) to a fiancé (greater commitment and great sex) to a husband (total commitment and outrageous sex). You will, my honest, nonmanipulative Younger Sister, communicate, as appropriate, your own version of how these four relationship stages work for you, so that the men you are involved with know you and your standards, both sexual and other, and can decide whether you inspire them to live up to those standards by committing to you.

The hot, sexy American Geisha knows that when she finds her Good Man, he will be inspired by her unique wonderfulness as an American Geisha and a Good Woman to make the necessary commitment. Ultimately the right Good Man will love many things about you and will tell you so. “I love how nice you are.” “I love your femininity.” “I love your vagina . ” “I love how beautiful you are.” Finally, “I love you totally . ” Or, “I love everything about you.”

Learn to say, “I could only do that for my husband” (or “for my fi ancé,” depending on the stage of your relationship). A quick example: After several months of dating and monogamous sex, your Good Man asks you to move in with him. If you wanted marriage with this Good Man, you might answer, “Oh, I could only do that for my husband . . . or maybe my fi ancé.” In terms of sexual behavior, perhaps you reserve for your husband performing oral sex on him or swallowing his cum or allowing him to come on your face or anal sex or mild bondage or S & M or sex in a semipublic location or, perhaps, sex while using light recreational drugs (“Oh, I could only trust my husband to do that”).

Think back to the chapter on female ejaculation. “Shooting” might be your most profoundly intimate and trusting—your most passionate—ex pression of your sexuality and love. To your Older Sister it seems only quite reasonable that you would choose to reserve sharing that experience with a husband or (it’s your choice, of course) with a man you are engaged to.

Here’s another scenario to be careful about: Your Good Man asks you to become his fiancé, but he doesn’t yet want to get the ring or set the wed ding date . You sweetly tell him, “Oh, I could only get engaged if I had a ring and a date for the wedding. That’s what an engagement is, sweetheart.”

Pregnancy and Motherhood

Historically, the Asian Geisha either engaged in unprotected sex or used crude methods of contraception with her danna, who usually had his own family. When the geisha became pregnant, she most often had an abortion, sometimes several over the course of a long-term relationship with her danna. Sometimes, though, she did carry the child to term. Once the child was born, different arrangements could be made, according to the wishes of the danna. Sometimes the child was raised within the danna’s family, other times by the geisha with the danna’s continuing support. Or she might lose the support of her danna and raise the child alone, often while continuing to work as a geisha.

Occasionally a geisha might become pregnant from a personal lover, though having a romantic lover was frowned upon in the Asian Geisha world, especially if he came from a lower socioeconomic class than the men who frequented the geisha-district teahouses. Some unfortunate apprentice geisha became pregnant during their mizuage, the ritual taking of their vir ginity at age thirteen or fourteen by the highest bidder. (This practice was outlawed in Japan in 1958.) It was neither uncommon nor a serious social impropriety for an Asian Geisha to raise a child alone, sometimes more than one. Today, with fewer geisha, the changing roles of women and family in Japan, fewer outrageously wealthy danna, and, of course, readily available contraception, accidental pregnancies among geisha are less common.

As an American Geisha, you will probably seek motherhood only within the bond of marriage (and certainly some of you do not seek moth erhood at all). Thus, at least until after you are married, dear Younger Sister, you must be sure that you are protected from pregnancy by either your own precautions or the precautions undertaken by the man (assuming you can trust him fully). And if he would choose, perhaps in the heat of passion, to run the risk “just this once” of engaging in sex without contraception, you must tell him firmly, “I could only take the risk of getting pregnant with my husband.” Again, this limit you put on the relationship is not to manipulate him into marrying you, but to inform him of the standard you have for en gaging in sex that could result in pregnancy. To go through the significant physical, emotional, social, and financial changes of a pregnancy requires that you maintain this standard: no pregnancy before marriage. If the man whom you are dating or to whom you are engaged cannot appreciate and totally support your position, then I suggest to you, dear Younger Sister, that he is, at that moment, irresponsible and not a Good Man for you. If, after much discussion and explanation of your position, he still fails to sup port you enthusiastically, this does not bode well for the future of your re lationship or the future of your marriage. If he does not treat your reasonable position with both respect and enthusiasm, I suggest you stop dating him or break the engagement. “I could only get pregnant with my husband.” Find a Good Man whose enthusiastic response is, “Of course.”

Sexually Transmitted Diseases:
Absolute Caution!

Whereas the Asian Geisha’s business can survive motherhood, she has a more difficult time if she contracts a venereal disease and her clients find out. Rumor of a sexually transmitted disease can lead to a decline in re quests for her services.

These days, with the prevalence of AIDS, genital herpes, hepatitis A, B, and C, and HPV (human papillomavirus), it is essential to be very cautious about whom you have sex with. It is one thing for a condom to break and for you to get pregnant. It’s another thing for a condom to break and for you to get infected with HIV (human immunodeficiency virus, the AIDS virus), or with HPV (which can cause cervical cancer), or with the hepatitis virus (which attacks the liver and can lead to cancer). Condoms don’t fully protect against HSV (herpes simplex virus), which can be located on areas of the body not covered by a condom.

What is a smart and sexy American Geisha to do? Tell your potential Good Man that before you can have sex with him, he must agree to two things: that your relationship will be monogamous, and that before having sex at all, both you and he, as a couple, will be medically tested for at least the four STDs I’ve discussed, and you will share your results with each other. If in fact, Younger Sister, you have chosen a Good Man who truly knows you as the Good Woman you are, then he will understand and re spect your caution. He’ll also understand that this approach is good for him as well.

If your Good Man has in mind the same long-term goals for the rela tionship that you do, then postponing sex for two to four weeks and going through the hassle of testing will not be a terribly serious problem for the two of you to deal with. You can still see one another, still kiss, still touch—you just can’t be too intimate with his cock or he with your vagina. On the other hand, if, after discussion and explanation, the testing and the waiting seem like unreasonable demands to him, then he is, again, irrespon sible and disrespectful of you, and not a Good Man for you. Stop dating him. You say: “I could only have sex with a man after we both got checked out.”The Good Man says, “I agree. Let’s do it.”

Five Relationship Stages

Your Older Sister will not attempt to address scenarios for all of the times when you might say something like “I could only do that for my husband.” This sentence represents your own high standards and level of self-respect; use it based on your judgment of what is appropriate for you and when. However, it is helpful to spend a little time in forethought so that you can be prepared if you find yourself in certain situations. Below I list five stages of relationships and some phrases that might be useful at each stage.

Situation 1. Dating, before you’re sexual with him and before you know if he’s a Good Man for you:

“I could only do that (e.g., have sex, pet, meet his parents, go away for the weekend) if we . . .

. . . were closer.”

. . . were more committed.”

. . . were seeing only each other.”

. . . decide to keep seeing each other.”

. . . knew each other longer and better.”

Situation 2. Dating, before being sexual but after you’ve deter mined that he’s a Good Man:

“I could only have sex if we agreed to be monogamous and both get tested.”

“I could only be sexual with you if I thought we might get married someday.”

Situation 3. Dating a Good Man with whom you are sexual:

“I could only do that (e.g., vacation together for two weeks, meet his parents, move in together) if we . . .

. . . were engaged.”

. . . knew each other longer.”

. . . were married.” . . . were more intimate, closer.”

. . . were more committed.”

. . . knew what our future together is.” . . . were both in love.”