Seven Days (15 page)

“I saw them together though and they were laughing.” I pause, considering it for a minute. “You know, Marnie, she is quite pretty.”

“You what? Jess? The stig? We are talking about the same person here?”

“I dunno. If you look at her properly. If she made an effort. She has a pretty face, dead natural.”

“Maybe. But she’s still fat.”

“Yeah, I know. But Lyn might see the other stuff.”

Marnie is looking at me like I’m mad. Maybe I am. All I know is that I need a ton of help to get the skin and eyes that Jess has.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” Marnie says. “But you have to stand up for yourself. You can’t let people walk all over you.”

Marnie is staring at me, almost challenging me to disagree with her. I can see the hard glint in her eye, the one she always flashes me when she wants me to agree with her.

“Maybe, but she has something about her, that’s all I’m saying.”

“The day you start believing stuff like that, is the day you’re going to start letting people make a mug of you,” she says.

I think of Dad. I remember that dinner last night. The gravy in my nostrils, the mash in my hair – if I concentrate hard enough, I can still taste it. Hasn’t this happened to me already?

“Do you wanna be known as weak?” she continues. She’s pressing my buttons. It’s like she can see right inside my head.

No, I don’t want to be known as that. I can’t. It’s bad enough that I allowed it to happen at home.

“No. But what else can I do? I told her to stay away. She’s not listening.”

“Tell her again, make her listen.”

“OK,” I nod. “I can do that.”

“We have PE next. What better time to make the stig see herself for what she really is. She’ll leave Lyn alone then.”

I smile back; of course. PE is perfect. I’ll get her then.

But as we walk back to lesson and I’m listening to her droning on about Ben again, I can’t help wondering why everything suddenly feels so much effort.

Have I stopped caring? Or am I getting too weak to fight?

Like Mum.

She’s always in the changing rooms first. I’m not sure why. Does she think she can hide away or something? It’s difficult to miss her. She makes it worse by sitting in the corner by herself and doing this real performance when she gets changed. I nudged Marnie as soon as we walked in.

“Look, there she is, not even bothering to cover herself up this time.”

Sometimes I’ve watched her undress while still clothed. It’s like she makes a tent within her own clothing. I suppose she thinks if we don’t see her flesh we won’t know how fat she actually is.

I start stripping off by the mirrors. Marnie is busy slapping on some cream. It’s one of Julie’s, and Marnie uses it regularly thinking it will keep wrinkles away. I think she has a morbid fear of growing old. I glance at my own face in the glass as I undress. I hate the way I’m looking today; I left in such a rush I didn’t get a chance to make myself up properly. I look like a washed-out version of me, all faded and tired.

“Are you feeling OK?” asks Lois, who is on the bench opposite me. She’s obviously noticed how rubbish I look.

“I’m fine,” I say, pulling on my shorts.

“It’s just you look, a bit … I don’t know … sad,” she says lamely.

“Sad! I’m not sad!” I say back with false brightness. “But I tell you who
is
sad…”

My eyes have fallen on Jess. She’s moving faster now. I think she knows I’ve noticed her. Her thighs are wobbling like lardy jelly. I move nearer to her.

“Honestly, your belly is so huge. I swear it’s getting bigger.” The words fly out of my mouth, and hit her like a missile. She seems to recoil. Direct hit!

She just continues to stand there, clutching her top against the rolls of her stomach. Her breathing is fast, almost panting. She looks at me in a weird way, sort of up and down and then coming to rest on my breasts. Her eyes remain there and I feel exposed; it’s a weird, unnerving feeling. I want to move away from her green-eyed stare.

“What are you looking at? Oh my God, Jess, are you copping a look at my boobs?”

I just want her to stop gawping at me. I say it louder than I actually mean to and now everyone’s attention is on me and Jess. The crowd start to move behind me, eager to see what is going to happen next. I hear one of the girls whisper, “Jess is in trouble now.” I can’t help smiling. I’m back in control.

Jess is stuttering, near tears. She’s shaking her head at me, protesting, but I can’t really hear what she’s saying. Her lips are opening and shutting – saying something – stupid, useless words. All I can do is wonder what she was talking to Lyn about yesterday.

How come you can make him laugh? I can’t do that. It’s not fair. What do you do with that sweet little mouth of yours?

“You were. I saw you. So not only are you a fat freak, you’re also a lesbo!” I say, the rage burning. “Well, I guess it must be tough. It’s not like any fella’s going to fancy you.”

Because you’re not having my man. He’s not going to fancy you. I won’t let him.

Marnie has come over now, forced herself through the crowd. Her face is glowing; she’s enjoying this. She goes up to Jess and challenges her, asks her why she’s not denying being a lesbian.

“…I’m not a lesbian either,” Jess says.

But I’m angry now. Just looking at her pathetic, wobbly face is winding me up. This must all be an act. I can’t believe that anyone who is capable of chatting to Lyn so causally can look so feeble now. She wants everyone to feel sorry for her, I’m sure of it. “You were checking me out. I saw you. And you’ve been sniffing around me and my man. It all makes sense now, you sad little freak.”

“I’ve not been sniffing around anyone. I avoid you. And Lyn came to me.”

It’s like everything is going into slow motion around me. All I can hear is my own heartbeat thumping in my ears like a muted drum. “What did you say?”

“I said Lyn came to me.” Her voice has changed somehow. She sounds cool and calm. This is winding me up even more. “I’ve not been sniffing around. Lyn and me have been talking. We just get on. We met up yesterday by chance. Ask him. And he’s invited me tomorrow night. He wants me to come,” she adds softly.

“You what?” The thumping is louder now. It’s nearly deafening me.

“Lyn wants me at the party.”

My hand hits her face before I can even think. And again. The stinging in my hand is the fire from my belly. I can feel her skin under my nails. I want to fly at her, rip those wide, green eyes out, but I’m pulled away before I can lay another finger on her.

“Nice one,” Marnie hisses as Miss Gregory appears and heaves me away.

But I feel nothing.

“We meet again.”

Mr Booth sits in front of me. Arms folded. It’s more serious this time, I can tell by the small frown on his face, by the notepad in his hand, by my file on the desk.

I sit and stare at the window beyond him. It’s really raining now, streaking across the glass, even watching it is making me feel cold. My bones feel like ice blocks inside me, heavy and brittle.

“Are you going to tell me why you did it?” he asks.

“Will it make a difference?” I say.

“It might. Maybe I can get my head round what would make a girl strike another for no apparent reason.”

“I don’t like her.”

“That’s not a reason, Keren.”

I keep staring outside. I imagine I’m standing there, getting soaked. Would I feel any colder than I do right now?

“I really don’t think you realize how serious this is, Keren. I will have to talk to Jess and then the head teacher. And your parents. I turned a blind eye before, but not this time. If it turns out that this was an unprovoked attack, you may end up suspended.”

My eyes flick over to his.

Do you know what he’ll do me to me if you suspend me? Do you realize just how much worse things are going to get for me right now? Don’t do this.

“Is there anything you want to tell me,” he says softly, leaning right towards me. “Anything that might help your case?”

“No,” I say. “She deserved it.”

And she deserves a whole lot more.

All I want to do is talk to Lyn.

I was meant to wait in the back room for Mum to come and collect me from school, but like that was ever going to happen. Luckily, Ms Ralph, the school secretary put in charge of babysitting me, was distracted by a delivery man – and I had an opportunity to slip out of the front unnoticed. It was so simple I almost found myself laughing.

Lyn wasn’t in school again today, which was weird. I’m not sure what he’s been up to. I can’t understand why he’s not called me, or at least messaged to tell me what’s going on. It feels like I’m not his girlfriend at all. I’m nothing.

I head towards his flat. It’s the only place I can think to go. It’s still raining hard and I’m wearing a skimpy denim jacket over my school uniform.

Stupid girl, never dressing appropriately.

Dad’s words are still tearing through my head. I feel like he’s taking up all the remaining space inside my brain. If I squeeze my eyes shut, I can still see that leering face, the accusing glare. Why is he always angry with me? So disappointed? I wish there was a way I could make him happy again, but I don’t even know where to start. Everything seems all smashed up now, like a Lego set with the bits scattered everywhere. Someone needs to find us the instructions, tell us how to fix it back up again. But what if the pieces are broken? What if some bits have been lost for ever? Can it ever be the same again?

I’m walking fast, trying to avoid the huge puddles that are forming in the dips of the pavement; muddy beige lakes are swelling up, taking over the entire street. My strides become longer, clumsier. The denim of my coat is heavy and starting to smell a bit like an old dog. My wet hair is glued to my face. I must look such a state. I bet my mascara is streaking too. It’s only a cheap one that Marnie lent me.

Hardly anyone is around of course. In this weather, everyone stays safely tucked inside. A bus roars past and I see faces pressed to the window, staring out at me. I want to be with them, I want to be rushing away somewhere – not staggering in the wet. A tall woman with an umbrella barges past me. Her face flashes with disgust as she glances in my direction. I probably look like a washed-up rat, something she’d rather not touch. I’m half tempted to bare my teeth at her, snotty cow.

I keep my head down, praying that Mum and Dad don’t pass in the car. If they spot me here, that’s it. Game over. Hopefully they will take the back route and knowing Dad they will, he’ll want to avoid the traffic.

Knowing Dad… But do you? Now?

I press on. Damp coat clutched round my neck. Shoes now squelching in the small pools around my feet.

The tower block rises above me and this time I view it with a nervous dread. The windows look dark, like blinkered eyes shut against me. The rain has turned the bricks darker, making them more menacing somehow.

Lyn lives in Tower A, diagonally opposite Marnie’s. I push open the door. A group of boys are standing by the entrance. I don’t even want to look at what they’re doing, so I just walk past them. One of them shouts something. I block it out, I’m not interested.

I consider the lift. It’s waiting there and it is working – but then I think of the group behind me. I can still hear them laughing. I imagine them pushing into the lift behind me. I’m wet, cold and looking disgusting and now I feel so exposed. I quickly take the stairs to save any further hesitation.

Seventeen floors is hard. After eight I’m puffing heavily. I have to take a break and lean against the window. I consider digging out my phone, telling Lyn I’m here, but something holds me back. I stare instead out of the yellowing glass. My parents will be at the school by now. They’ll be told about Jess. I know I won’t be able to go home again tonight. I open my bag and pull out my compact mirror. Immediately I see black rings beneath my eyes. I look like an emo who’s been in a fight. I find some tissues buried at the bottom and rub away as much as I can. I look plainer now, empty.

I take the remaining stairs more slowly. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say to Lyn when I see him. At the sixteenth floor I almost turn back, wondering what the hell I’m doing chasing after him anyway, but my stupid feet keep leading me up.

His door is there as I turn the corner. Bright green, the paint slightly chipped around the frame. No doorbell, so I have to bang on the wood, which I do before I can stop myself. It comes out louder than I mean to, making me sound impatient and cross.

Lyn opens the door. He takes a few seconds to register who it is.

“Kez. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

He stands there for a moment, just looking at me. Then he shrugs and opens the door further. He looks really stiff and unfriendly.

I step into his flat. It’s bigger than I imagined, but very dark. I wonder if he has all the lights turned off and if so, why. The hall is long and shadowy. The radiator is covered with clothes. He leads me into the room at the far end, the living room. It’s large with a huge window at the far side. I’m surprised by the lack of furniture and “stuff”, though. Just a sofa and chair, a TV and some boxes stacked up in the corner. No bookshelves. No pictures. No cushions.