Seized by Love (Love in Bloom: The Ryders, Book 1): Blue Ryder (22 page)

“Shh. It’s okay.” She pressed her hand to the laptop. “So Blue saw the videos? How many are there?”

Lizzie closed her eyes as she answered. “Two per week since my sophomore year of college.” She opened her eyes, and Sky’s hand was covering her mouth.

“Oh, Lizzie. And he…what? What happened?”

She filled Sky in on what happened with Blue and felt the weight of the world fall from her shoulders. She hadn’t realized how much effort it took to keep her secret.

“I’m going to tell my family this weekend when I see them.”

Sky touched her hand. “I don’t know if I’d do that. Your parents definitely won’t be cool with this.”

“I know, but Blue’s right. I’m hiding this from the people I love most, and while I’m embarrassed by it, I don’t really believe they’d turn me away because of it.” She wasn’t as confident as she sounded, given her staunch upbringing, but saying aloud that they wouldn’t gave her a kernel of hope.

“Lizzie, Blue doesn’t know your parents like I do. I think he’s wrong to push you to do that, and I think you know that.”

“He didn’t push me. He just opened my eyes.” She reached for her laptop. “I want to show you something else.” She pulled up the email she’d read the other night before leaving the shop and opened the query from the Food Channel Network, then turned the computer so Sky could read it.

“It sounds like they want to turn it into a cable show,” Sky said excitedly. “The
Naked Baker
on television? Oh my God! What are you going to do?”

She shrugged. “There isn’t exactly anything
to do
yet. It’s an inquiry, probably just a form letter or something. I haven’t even had time to think about it. Besides, it’s not really a possibility. I mean, a webcast is one thing, but doing that as a full-time job? Giving up my shop? Moving away from the Cape to wherever they’d want to film it? No way. That was never my plan. It’s one email. Who knows what they really want, but if they do want to make it into a show, I can’t see how it’s something I could even consider.” With all of her relationships being put to the test, that email was the least of her concerns.

“Does Blue know?”

“No. It would just add pressure to an already untenable situation.” Not to mention that she’d told him that she regretted being with him, which wasn’t really true. She regretted
not
being with him, but hurt had twisted her thoughts.

“Lizzie, he’ll come around. This is a lot for a guy to come to grips with. Guys are possessive. I know Sawyer would have a hard time with it, and can you just imagine what my brothers would do if they found out I was doing something like that? I’d be banished to a high tower under lock and key. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but guys are funny about that stuff.”

Lizzie’s shoulders slumped. “Is it really that much to come to grips with? I mean, obviously I knew in my heart that no guy would want to date a girl who did this, but I thought what Blue and I had was stronger. I thought it was different, and real, and could weather anything.”

“You’re my two best friends in the world, and I would bet anything that you’ll figure this out.” Sky shook her head. “But I still wouldn’t tell your parents.”

“You know what? I kind of want a clean slate. If I’ve already lost Blue, what else really matters? I think I’m going to tell my parents, just to get it all out in the open, and I might as well talk to the Food Channel Network. At least then I’m doing something other than thinking about all the ways I ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

BLUE DID A week’s worth of work in one day in Lizzie’s kitchen. He loved her so much. How could he have thought that he could work around her things all day, smell her perfume, walk the same floors she walked, without that love blooming bigger, digging deeper? He had to get past his issues with this
Naked Baker
shit, because nothing was worth losing Lizzie.

Hadn’t he lied to her, too, when he’d said he wanted to be the man she trusted with her secrets? Obviously he’d done a shitty job of being a stand-up boyfriend. She’d opened herself up to him with courage and conviction. She’d trusted him—and only him—the same way she had on their date when she’d told him that she needed him to be strong, because she knew she couldn’t be. And he’d been too wrapped up in anger and hurt to see her confession for what it was.

Now, as he finished leveling the oven, he realized what else he’d been too blinded by his own emotions to recognize. She’d been going through all this alone this whole time. She’d worked at night to pay off her debts and help Maddy without any support from anyone. She’d kept it a secret, and while that might have been wrong in
his
eyes, who was he to judge her? She was stronger than anyone he knew. She’d needed a solution, and she’d done just what she’d said. She’d figured it out.
Alone
. Without the support of friends or family. Or him.

He’d acted like an ass, and they had a lot of crap to work through.
He
had a lot of crap to work through. He still wasn’t sure he could deal with knowing strangers watched her in those sexy videos. He wasn’t even sure if he could handle his family and friends finding out she made them. He was a jealous bastard, and that realization made him feel even more like an ass.
He
didn’t matter now. What mattered was apologizing to Lizzie and letting her know that she wasn’t alone anymore—something he should have done the moment she’d told him. But hell, he was only human.

Blue was gathering his tools when Lizzie came through the kitchen door later that evening. Her jeans were torn at the knee, and she had dirt all over her hands and streaked across her cheeks. His heart squeezed at the sight of her, and his protective urges sent him rushing to her side.

“What happened?” He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss away the pain and loneliness he saw in her eyes, but knew he shouldn’t. Instead, he ran a dish towel under warm water to clean her up.

“I slipped on the hill at the cemetery when I was dropping off flowers.” She toed off her dirty shoes and dropped her flower tote to the floor.

He tried to concentrate on wiping the dirt from her cheek instead of on the sadness in her eyes, but damn if his heart wasn’t aching too badly after everything they’d said to each other. He felt sick over their situation and all the hurtful things he’d said and the way she’d so forcefully told him that she regretted being close to him. Now, standing so near, cupping her cheek in one hand as he cleaned her face and saw all the emotions he’d been wondering if she still felt, he could barely hold his feelings back. He wanted to drop to his knees and apologize a hundred times over, but she obviously needed help right now.

“Are you hurt?”

“No, just annoyed.” She reached for the towel and rested her hand over his. “You don’t have to…”

“I want to.” Their eyes held, heat filling the space between them, despite the harshness of their earlier argument. She was already too big a part of him to let the fissure between them grow any bigger. But for the first time in his life, Blue felt unprepared. He had no idea how to get from this terrible place they’d landed back to where they belonged. He finished wiping her face and knelt to check out her knee, taking a moment to regroup.

“Your jeans are torn pretty badly.”

“They’re old. It’s okay.”

“You’re bleeding.” He held her calf, wishing desperately he could take back the hurtful things he’d said and they could start over and deal with this before they started dating. Maybe then it wouldn’t feel like such a betrayal. But even that didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was taking care of Lizzie, and by some grace of God, if she’d forgive him for his reaction, then he’d make sure she never felt alone again.

He wiped the blood from her knee, and tried to gain control of his emotions as desire to hold her filled him again. He finally rose to his feet and met her gaze.

“You should change so we can clean up your cut.”

Her lips parted as if she was going to say something, but he had so many things he wanted to say first that he cut her off.

“Lizzie.” He couldn’t resist touching her cheek, brushing his thumb over her jaw. “I’m sorry I said all those things to you. I had no right to judge you or to make you feel bad for what you’re doing. I love you so much, and you trusted me, but I was too blind to see it.” Her lower lip trembled, and he stepped in closer. “I don’t know where we go from here, but I miss you. I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

She dropped her eyes. “Blue—”

He lifted her chin. “We don’t have to talk about it right now. We’ll just end up arguing, and I don’t want that. I just need this. I need to be close to you. Even if only for a few minutes. I need you to know I love you and to know how truly sorry I am for everything I said.”

She pressed her lips together and nodded, as if she needed him, too. And when she walked into his open arms, it felt like she’d come home.

“You smell so good, Lizzie.” He slid his hand to the nape of her neck and gazed into her eyes. “You feel like you’re still mine, and I know I have no right to even think that way.”

She lifted one shoulder.

“I hate myself so much for overreacting. I was hurt, but I understand now, and I feel like I betrayed you by saying I would be here for you and then wasn’t.” He cringed inwardly as that last bit of truth left his lips. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

He touched his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, breathing her in, hoping, praying she’d give him another chance. “Can you ever trust me again? Do you miss me at all, or did I ruin us?” he whispered.

“I…” Her whisper faded, and her hands clutched his waist. “Blue.” Her fingers dug into his skin through the fabric of his shirt, and she had that wanting look in her eyes, as if she, too, knew that their being close wouldn’t help, but she needed it as badly as he did.

“I know it won’t fix anything, but I so desperately want to kiss you.”

She nodded, the slightest of movements. She went up on her toes, as she’d done so many times before, and he lowered his lips to hers. The first touch sent a shock of awareness through him—chased by a wave of guilt. Her mouth was warm and tender, and when she pushed away, confusion in her eyes, he feared he’d made things worse.

“Blue,” she said sharply, covering her mouth with a shaky hand. “We can’t. You can’t kiss me. We’ll never make sense of this.”

“I’m sorry. I thought you wanted it, too. I can’t help it. I just feel so much for you.” He took a step away, rubbing a knot at the back of his neck. “I’m confused by everything.”

“So am I, but
this
isn’t going to help.” She took a step back.

Her words, her actions, told him to stay back, but the look in her eyes had him closing the distance between them again. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, could only feel, and damn it, he couldn’t let her walk away.

She stared up at him with defiance in her eyes. When she grabbed his shirt and tugged him into a savage kiss, his thoughts reeled away. Their bodies smoldered together like melted metal. His emotions soared and skidded, spiraling out of control as his hands moved roughly over her hips.

“You said no,” he said between kisses.

“I need you, too.” She sealed her mouth over his. “Touch me. Kiss me.”

Lizzie grasped at his chest, his arms, seeking purchase anywhere she could as he lifted her into his arms, holding her sweet ass in one hand and the back of her head with the other. She angled her mouth, allowing his to slant over hers and deepen the kiss. Setting her on the counter, he pushed in between her legs and yanked her shirt from her jeans, thrusting his hands beneath her shirt as she tore at his. He moaned at the delicious feel of her heated skin as she arched back, giving herself over to him. He pulled her shirt over her breasts and yanked her bra down, feasting on each beautiful mound and teasing the rosy buds.

She fisted her hand in his hair, holding his mouth to her breast as he sucked and teased her nipple. “Yes. God, I need you. I love you, Blue. I’m so sorry.”

She yanked his head back, her eyes dark and lustful as she crashed her mouth to his in a possessive, angry kiss. He fought with the button on her jeans, and when it popped open, they both stilled.

“I want you more than I want to breathe,” he admitted in a heated growl. “Tell me no. Tell me you don’t want me, Lizzie, and I’ll step back.”

“I want you, Blue.” She answered so fast it took him a second to realize he hadn’t dreamed it.

He scooped her into his arms again, devouring her mouth as he carried her into the bedroom, telling himself he could do this. He could love her and make love to her and still give them both space to figure everything out.

The second her feet hit the floor, they tore at each other’s clothes, tasting and taking, their hands claiming every inch of bare flesh. He lifted her into his arms again and lowered her onto his throbbing erection.

“Aw, fuck, Lizzie. You feel so good.”

She pressed her hand to his cheek as he clutched her hips, and she stared into his eyes. “Love me, Blue.
Move
. Fast, hard, slow, soft. Just move. I need to feel you filling me up.”

Her pleasure was his mission as he lifted and lowered her to the reckless beat of his pelvic thrusts. Their mouths crashed together in a fury of need. Anger and desire swirled together, wrapping around them in prickly heat. She clung to his biceps, words streaming from her lips.

“
Yes. God. So good…More…Ohmygod—
”

Her inner muscles tightened around his eager erection, her climax gripping him, pulling him into its thunder. He came in fiery bursts of passion and greed. The room pulsed with the energy of their lovemaking. He held her so tightly he could practically feel blood coursing through her veins. He’d been a fool to think he could do this. There was no way in hell he could make love to Lizzie and keep his emotions in check. He was too deeply in love with her to walk away again. He had to make things right.

He stumbled back against the wall, his muscles spent and too overcome with emotion to speak. Blue rested his forehead between her breasts, and Lizzie pressed her lips to the top of his head. He felt Lizzie’s cheek rest on his head and her hands slide lazily to his shoulders as moonlight split the curtains, spilling reality into the room.