Seized by Love (Love in Bloom: The Ryders, Book 1): Blue Ryder (20 page)

“When it falls apart—because just like love, it’s tenuous at best…” She lifted her gaze and saw a horrified look on Julie’s face. She quickly added, “Kidding. I’m kidding. Like love, all you have to do is take a little care and add more of the mixture to bind it together.” She grabbed more soil and patted it into a perfect ball. “See? Now we’ll use the twine I set out beside the sheep moss. This part is tricky. It takes a bit of finesse to hold this part together. We’re going to cover the ball with your sheep moss and secure it with the twine to keep it from falling apart.”

“See? Like love, it takes finesse,” Julie said with a concerned look in her eyes, as if she knew exactly what Lizzie was thinking. “Nothing happens easily. Nothing worth having, anyway—right, Mike?”

“Right, Jules.” He leaned in and kissed her again. “Twine me,” he said, holding up the ball of soil.

Lizzie watched them work together to create a perfectly bonded string garden, and she found herself wishing life could be that easy. In less than an hour they had created a perfect blend of soil, moss, plant, and string—and last night it had taken her only minutes to tear apart the heart of the man she loved.

She forced herself to wrap up the class. “These are pretty simple to keep alive,” she said. “Just fill a bucket with a few cups of water and soak them for ten to fifteen minutes once a week.”

“Won’t it drip all over?” Claudia asked.

Lizzie smiled. “It can get messy, so I don’t suggest that you do this in your kitchen sink. But after you soak it, let the string garden drain in a utility sink until it absorbs all of the water and stops dripping.”

Julie stared at Lizzie as she said, “Just like love, once again. You have to flesh out all the excess baggage to get the good stuff to stick.”

“Are you a marriage counselor?” Lizzie asked as she gathered the buckets.

“No. I’m a high school guidance counselor. Kind of the same thing, only the marriages in high school tend to last about a week and end in tears.” Julie reached for Mike’s hand. “The few that last longer are the ones with the messiest sinks.”

***

AFTER WORKING ON Lizzie’s kitchen, Blue drove out to his cottage and worked for a few more hours, hoping to get some of his frustrations out of his system. When that didn’t even make a dent, he drove out to Cahoon Hollow and parked at the edge of the parking lot, thinking about Lizzie and how important she’d become to him. Not a minute passed when he wasn’t thinking of her, wondering what she was doing, how she was feeling. Hell, just last night he’d been imagining a future with her—and he still couldn’t imagine one without her. He’d told her there was nothing he couldn’t handle, and damn if that weren’t true. But this situation was proving to be a monster that wasn’t easily eliminated.

Even though this was different from what he’d experienced with Sarah Jane, it felt painfully similar. Both women had broken his trust.

Why did this hurt a million times more than when he’d caught Sarah Jane with another man? Not only was Lizzie not touching another man, but he’d watched the videos. No one would ever put the bespectacled blond woman together with sweet brunette Lizzie Barber. She’d done a great job of keeping her identity a secret. Blue had even checked Who Is, a website that provides data on the owners of domains, and she’d made all of that information private, too.

He told himself that it shouldn’t matter if she’d kept her identity private or not; she’d still broken his trust. But he knew that was a lie.
Everything
mattered. Lizzie mattered, damn it, and even though he was hurt and confused, it was Lizzie that still filled his heart and his mind—and it was Lizzie he was worried about now.

He pulled out of the parking lot, and a few minutes later he pulled up in front of Lizzie’s dark and empty house, wondering where she could be this late. Her class had ended more than an hour ago. Maybe she was with Sky. Sky had called him twice this afternoon, but he hadn’t had it in him to answer the calls. She was so excited about them finally dating that he didn’t want to go through the
Don’t worry; it’ll all work out
speech that girls always had at the ready. He was also upset with Sky for not warning him about this whole mess.

His phone vibrated with a text and his heart hoped it was from Lizzie—although he couldn’t imagine why she’d text him, especially after he hadn’t returned her text from earlier that morning. He looked at his phone, and the disappointment at seeing his sister’s name hurt way too much for him to admit, even to himself. He shoved his phone into his pocket without reading Trish’s text and drove away.

AFTER ANOTHER SLEEPNESS night, Blue was showered and dressed before dawn. He needed to see Lizzie, to make sure she was okay and to apologize for reacting like an ass. He wanted to understand why she would put herself in that situation.
If
she’d even talk to him after the way he’d shut her down when she’d tried to explain. Not that he could have helped how he’d reacted. To say that this had been a blow would be putting it mildly. Hearing that Lizzie was the Naked Baker had completely snowed him under.

The ache of not being with Lizzie was equally as unbearable as the pain of feeling duped. Unwilling to go another day without talking to her, he drove over to her house at six o’clock, parked out front, and waited for her dark house to come to life.

When the lights turned on, he headed around to the kitchen door. He lifted his hand to knock and hesitated, drinking her in for a minute as she stood in the center of the kitchen, her gaze hovering over the sink. He wondered what she was thinking and whether she was thinking of him the way he was thinking of her. She turned, and their eyes connected. Heat stroked down his spine, and a second later, when he must have come into focus through the window on the door, her eyes filled with sadness. His stomach knotted and his heart ached anew.

A hundred unanswered questions settled between them. A full minute later, Lizzie rolled back her shoulders and lifted her chin. He wondered how often she’d had to ready herself like that. Was it hard for her to don the apron and heels and perform in front of the camera? Or did she enjoy it?

Blue’s heart pounded faster with every step she took toward the door, making it hard for him to breathe.

He heard the locks turn, and then the door swung open. She was right there, her sad eyes puffy, as if she’d been crying all night, her sweet lips, which usually appeared to be smiling, were downturned at the edges, and it nearly killed him.

“Hi,” he managed.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry to show up without warning.”

She stepped aside to let him in. “It’s okay. You can work. I’ll be out of here in a minute.”

He stepped in close, fighting the urge to reach out to her, to hold her until the sadness left them both. To kiss her until they forgot why they were upset in the first place. She closed the door behind him, and the need to be closer was too strong to resist. He touched her shoulder as she took a step away.

She turned, blinking up at him through those impossibly long lashes of hers, drawing him in closer.

“Can we talk?” He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from holding her so she couldn’t walk away. It would be so easy to take her in his arms, love her, and forget the rest for a while, but he’d screwed up as much as she had, and he didn’t want to force her into talking with him.

She nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line.

“I watched the videos,” he admitted, feeling ashamed, as if he’d done something dirty, and that shame quickly began changing into anger again. He worked hard to push it down deep. He didn’t want to get angry. He wanted to talk.

“Oh.” She dropped her eyes, and the heartache in that one word slayed him again.

He couldn’t stand not touching her and reached for her hand. He wanted to comfort her as much as himself. He needed the connection, if only for a second. “Lizzie, I know I didn’t give you a chance to explain the other night, and I’m sorry. It was a lot to deal with, and honestly, I’m not sure I’ve even begun to scratch the surface, but I need to understand it. I want to understand it.”

“What do you want to know?” she asked softly.

How you can be so close to me and make me feel so loved while you’re doing that for other guys to see
? He shifted his eyes away and pushed his selfish thoughts to the side to focus on more important questions.

“How did you get started in all this, and why, when you have so much?”

She nodded again, narrowing her eyes as if she was remembering something painful. “Honestly, Blue, I don’t think any of what I have to say will make a difference if you’ve already decided that you don’t want to be with me.” She turned away.

“I haven’t made any decisions. How could I? I don’t have any information other than that you make these videos.”
And I love you, and love doesn’t turn off like a light switch.

“Yes, I make videos.” She spun around with renewed energy—negative energy, aimed directly at him. “I make baking videos wearing nothing but an apron. I did it to make money because when I was in college my father got ill and my parents had to close down the inn for about six months, so we had no money. But I wanted to get my degree, because that’s what you do after high school. You go to college and do all the right things so you can have a good life.” She paced, her voice escalating. “I’ve always done the right thing. Always.”

“Lizzie, I didn’t mean—”

“No, Blue. You asked. Now let me explain, please.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I took out loans and did all the things college students do, okay? But it wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want to start my adult life strapped with loans and then spend the rest of my life working them off for ten bucks an hour. I wanted to own my own flower shop. Maybe that was selfish of me. I don’t know.”

“So you turned to making half-naked videos?” He hated that he couldn’t keep the distaste from his voice.

“Yes,” she said defiantly, arms crossed, eyes shooting daggers. “At first it was a joke. A girlfriend said we should do it and see if we could earn money that way. She said her brother made videos about gaming, walk-throughs or something, and he was earning a ton of money. I said no, but…I don’t know what happened. It was the end of the semester, and I had no idea how I was going to get money for next semester’s books and tuition. I was working in this rinky-dink flower shop on weekends and two evenings a week and barely making enough money for groceries. I’ve never eaten so many ramen noodles in my life.” She paced the kitchen. “But you wouldn’t know about that, Blue. You come from a wealthy family. You had your life mapped out for you. College was paid for, books, food. You’ve never had to figure that stuff out.”

“That’s not true.” Even as he said the words he knew every bit of what she’d said
was
true. He’d worked through college, but if he hadn’t, his parents would still have had enough money to send him and his siblings to college—to any school they’d wanted. “Okay, fine, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand where you’re coming from.”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Oh, yes, it does. You’ve never looked into your future and wondered how you were going to make ends meet, or stared at a paper that said you owed fifty-seven thousand dollars for an education you got only to please your family.”

“Okay. I understand
what
you’re saying, why you needed money. But why this particular thing? I’m sure your friend’s brother didn’t wear nearly nothing on his videos. Why
this
? Why not just baking, or flower stuff, fully dressed?”

“Like that would earn any money? Come on, Blue. You’re not stupid. You know why.”

He blew out a frustrated breath. What did he want? To hear that it was all made up? That she didn’t do it? She couldn’t take it back. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, or what he needed, but he knew he needed Lizzie.

“Am I the only one in the dark about this? I trusted you, Lizzie. I thought you were being honest with me. Honesty is all I ever asked for. What I can’t figure out is how you got Sky to keep it from me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, a barrier between him and the awful feeling of being made a fool of.

She leaned against the counter and her shoulders rounded forward. “I didn’t.”

“Right. You expect me to believe that Sky kept it from me on her own? You know damn well she would never do that. She tells me everything. Everything, Lizzie. I knew about Sawyer before you did.” He closed his eyes for a beat, absorbing the sting of his words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

She held up her hand to silence him. “No. You’re right. You are closer to Sky than I am, and I’m sure she would have told you if she’d known.”

“She doesn’t know?” He watched her eyes, looking for the truth, and it was staring right back at him.

Without a word, she shook her head.

“What do your parents think about it?”

She lifted damp eyes to him. “They don’t know either. They’re the reason, well, one of the reasons, that no one knows. You’re the only one I’ve told.”

He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “You lied to everyone? For all these years? Your sister? Your parents? Your best friend?” Anger simmered inside him again.

“I couldn’t tell my sister or Sky. It might have slipped out around my parents.”

He stepped in closer, unable to quell the anger and disappointment bubbling up and spewing out of his mouth. “You lied to everyone you knew? Don’t you feel any sense of loyalty? An ounce of trust? No,” he said as he paced. “I guess you wouldn’t. You cared about paying off your school loans and opening your business, and to hell with everyone who trusts you.”

Her eyes blazed as she closed the distance between them. “How dare you judge me so unfairly. Don’t you think I’m ashamed of what I’ve done? Do you think I’m proud? Wait—maybe I am a little, for finding a way out of debt, but how dare you think I take this lightly or that I don’t give a damn about my family and friends. I give a damn about everyone, which is
why
I didn’t tell them. This would kill my parents! And if Sky knew, or Maddy knew, and it slipped out around my parents, then all hell would break loose and my parents would be as angry with them as they would be with me.”