Seized by Love (Love in Bloom: The Ryders, Book 1): Blue Ryder (21 page)

“And what about your self-respect, Lizzie? Didn’t that come into play at all during these years of half-naked baking for strange men who probably jerked off a zillion times to you?” He couldn’t stop the anger from tumbling from his lips, despite the tears rolling down her cheeks and the acidic burn in his gut.

Her voice lowered to an icy calm, and her gaze followed. “
I
don’t matter. How can you not understand that? Maddy matters. I might have started doing this for myself, but now? Now I’m doing it so Maddy doesn’t have to. And you know what, Blue? I’d do it all over again. I’m an adult. I’ve made my bed. I’ve made my mistakes. And I’ll live with them for the rest of my life, but Maddy won’t have to. She’ll get the education she deserves and she can be proud of, and she’ll come out without loans looming over her head. She needed a shot at having a future that included more than a minimum-wage job, and I gave her that opportunity.”

Shaking his head was all Blue could do as her rationalization ricocheted in his mind. “You’ve got this all figured out, don’t you? No matter what the cost?”

She crossed trembling arms over her chest and thrust her chin out. “This is what I have to do.”

“No, Lizzie. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. There are other ways to make money.”

“Not for me there aren’t. Not for Maddy, either. Don’t you think if I earned enough from my shop, I would stop doing the videos in a heartbeat?”

“I don’t know. Would you? Will you ever walk away from it? Will anything ever mean enough to you to leave it all behind? Or will money always be your driving factor?”

“That’s unfair.” She held his gaze. “It’s not like I want millions of dollars or like I live an extravagant lifestyle. If I hadn’t had a flood and insurance hadn’t paid for the repairs, I would never have renovated my kitchen. And…” She turned away, and when she finally turned back, she blew out a long breath and fell silent, as if she had no fight left in her.

“You know what, Blue? Obviously my judgment is off. I was falling in love with you. I thought we had a real connection, but you don’t know me at all. Not really. Not the parts of me that matter, because if you did, this wouldn’t mean a damn thing.”

He reached out to her, but she pulled away.

“How can you say that, Lizzie? You’re hiding behind all of this shit. Is it sexy? Hell, yes, it would be if you were acting it out for me—
for us
—in the privacy of our own home. But you’re rationalizing your way in and out of this whole mess.”

She drew in a deep breath, shoulders shaking so badly she reached for the counter. “I’m proud of finding a way out of debt. And I’m proud of what I’ve done for Maddy.”

It was hard not to admire her determination, almost as hard as it was to deal with the betrayal.

“How can you put yourself out there the way you do night after night and say you’re falling in love with me? If you loved me, then you wouldn’t be able to fathom stripping down twice a week and seducing a bunch of strangers for money.”

“You told me to trust you, Blue. You said you wanted to be the man I shared my secrets with, but I guess you wanted to handpick those secrets.”

He strode to the door, feeling low and lost and like the fucking mess he was, but he was too brokenhearted to do anything else. With one hand on the doorknob and his back to Lizzie, he said, “I’m a man of my word. I’ll finish your renovations, and I’ll try to stay out of your way. But open your eyes, Lizzie. Someone who’s proud of what they’re doing doesn’t lie to the people who love them.”

LIZZIE WAS SHAKING so badly after Blue left that it had taken her an hour just to leave the kitchen. So much of what he’d said had been true—she
was
rationalizing, and if her family and friends knew what she was doing, they would be hurt, ashamed, and embarrassed by it, too. But, right or not, she stood firm in her convictions. Not everyone had it easy or made preferable choices in life. Not that she thought of herself as being underprivileged or forced into doing what she’d done, but if she had to do it again, she would. There were things she’d do differently, like tell Blue about it
before
they got in so deep, but she still would have taken the same path. It was an embarrassing thing to do, but it was a means to an end.

She sat on the floor in the living room staring up at the painting they’d made the other night, futilely trying to weed through her tangled emotions. Was she being stubborn? Should she stop doing the show and plead for Blue to come back to her? She felt empty, depleted of all the goodness they’d shared. The hole he’d left when he’d walked out the door might never heal. How could love hurt so much?

She always did the right thing.
Always
.

Didn’t she?

Blue’s words sailed painfully through her mind.
Someone who’s proud of what they’re doing doesn’t lie to the people who love them
.

Damn if he wasn’t one hundred percent right. She forced herself to her feet and went into her bathroom to get a grip on herself. Why was it that when a woman cried it affected every ounce of her being? Her eyes and nose were pink and puffy, and her hair was all over the place, as if she’d been out in a windstorm. She brushed her hair and washed her face, forgoing any makeup, because she was sure she wasn’t done crying.

She packed up her laptop and headed out to the car, determined to fix the things Blue was right about. She had been rationalizing, saving herself embarrassment, by not telling Sky about what she was doing. Of all people, Sky would understand. She was not only her closest friend, but she hadn’t grown up with a silver spoon in her mouth.

Lizzie started her car as Blue’s truck pulled up to the curb. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, not at all ready for another confrontation. She pushed her broken heart out of her throat, got out of her car, and stomped over to him, determined to stand strong.

“What else could you possibly have to say?” she asked with a stoic stare.

“I promised to finish the work. I’m here to do that.” He got out of the truck, and the sadness in his eyes made her heart ache. He reached for her, and she bristled.

“Lizzie, please. This is hard for both of us.”

She didn’t even try to respond, knowing she’d cry if she did, and when he tugged her in close and wrapped his strong arms around her, the urge to melt into him was overwhelming. There was no stopping the tears that fell from her eyes. Blue’s comfort felt too good.

“I love you too much to walk away from us,” he said with such tenderness to his voice that it tugged at her to tell him the same. “I don’t want to be the kind of couple who ends things in a fury, Lizzie. That’s not us. We just need to talk, so we can both come to grips with our feelings and figure out where we go from here.”

He felt too safe, but he wasn’t safe, not the kind of safe she needed.

“You once told me that you’d never get enough of kissing me, and I told you that I’d never regret being close to you.” She forced herself to meet his apologetic gaze. His lips were so close, and she knew if she went up on her toes and pressed her mouth to his, he’d kiss her back, despite his misgivings, despite what happened between them. She wanted that kiss so badly she could taste it, but that wasn’t good enough, and she knew in her heart it wouldn’t solve a damn thing.

“I’m sorry, Blue, but right at this second, I do regret it. It hurts. Every time I look in your eyes, every time you touch me, it brings back the things you said to me.” She paused, biting back the urge to cry. She pushed from his chest on shaky legs.

“Lizzie, I have so much more to say. Can we please just talk about this?”

“No. I can’t talk about it, not right now. I know that you feel like I did this to you, but despite what it looks like, I didn’t do this
to
you. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but that wouldn’t have changed what I’ve done or what I will continue to do for Maddy.” Before she broke down in tears, she said, “I have to go.”

She ran to her car, holding her breath the whole way, and sped down the street and around the corner, where she pulled over and slammed the car into park—and finally let go in an endless stream of gulps and sobs. She cried for having kept her secret for so long and for the look in Blue’s eyes when she’d told him, and she cried for the parents she wished she’d had and for the reality that no matter how much she wished her life could be different, this was the hand she was dealt.

An hour later she stood at the back door of Sky’s tattoo shop clutching her laptop and feeling like a drowned rat. If she hadn’t known she looked like hell, the look in Sky’s eyes as they rolled over her would have been a dead giveaway.

“Holy shit. What happened to you?” Sky pulled her into a comforting embrace, and for a moment Lizzie allowed herself to soak in that comfort.

After the way Sky had reacted to finding out about Blue asking her out, she didn’t expect a warm welcome of any kind once she revealed what else she’d kept from her. But she’d be damned if she’d let anyone think she was doing the wrong thing.

Sky tried to usher her inside. “Come sit down with me.”

Lizzie shook her head. “Can we talk for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sky held her by the shoulders and searched her eyes. “Are you okay by yourself for a minute while I lock the front door?”

Lizzie nodded and waited nervously for Sky to return. When she did, they sat in silence on the back stoop. The afternoon sun beat down on them but did nothing to quell the chill running through Lizzie’s heart.

“Sky, I think Blue and I broke up.”

Sky folded her into her arms. “Oh, no. Lizzie, no wonder you look like hell. What happened?”

“It’s my fault.” Tears sprang from her eyes as she pulled out of Sky’s arms. “I didn’t tell him about something I should have.”

Sky reached for Lizzie’s hand. “Tell me what happened. I’m sure whatever it is, you guys will get through this.”

Lizzie shook her head. “I’m not so sure. And I’m not sure you’ll forgive me either.”

“Forgive you?” She let out a little laugh. “What do you mean? You didn’t cheat on Blue, did you? Because you’re right; I might not forgive you for that. He’s my friend, too.”

She shook her head again. “I haven’t been with anyone else.” This was much harder than she’d thought it would be. Her chest tightened up as she tried to figure out what to say.

“Then what could I ever
not
forgive you for?”

She opened her mouth to blurt it out, but no words came. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “Shit. This is so hard.”

Sky gathered her in close again. “Lizzie, you can tell me anything.”

“No. No, I can’t. People say that, but they don’t really mean it. It’s like when someone says they’ll love you forever, and you think they really will. Only you don’t think through all the conditions that go along with that love.”

“Okay, slow down.” Sky held her by the shoulders again. “Slow down and clue me in, because you’re not making sense and you’re scaring me a little.”

Lizzie inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. “Remember when you asked about how I started my business, and I said I took out loans?”

“Sure.”

“I didn’t exactly take out loans.” She nibbled on her lower lip, folding and unfolding her hands. “I had enough money to open it outright.”

“Okay.”

She averted her eyes, looking at the ground, at her hands, anywhere but at Sky. “I do a webcast that I’ve monetized, and that’s how I paid for my shop and my school loans. And Maddy’s tuition and books.”

“A webcast? Well, that’s good, right? I mean if you’re earning enough to do all those things, why didn’t you just tell me? Were you worried I’d be jealous?”

She lifted her eyes to Sky’s. “No. I knew you’d never be jealous, but I’ve been ashamed by the type of show it is.”

“Are we talking
porn
?” Sky’s eyes widened with the possibility.

Lizzie shook her head. “No. I’ve got clothes on. Just not many.” She opened her laptop and laid it on Sky’s lap. She’d already queued up one of the
Naked Baker
videos.

“
The
Naked Baker?”
Sky’s jaw gaped. “Holy shit, Lizzie.”

Lizzie buried her face in her hands. “I’m not naked. Just watch five minutes of it—you’ll get the idea.” She turned away as Sky clicked play. When her voice sounded, it felt foreign to her. She could clearly hear the difference between the put-on sensuality on the video and the real emotions that accompanied the things she’d said to Blue when they were intimate—the things that came straight from her heart.

A minute later Sky closed the laptop. “I can’t watch any more,” she said softly.

Lizzie waited for Sky to give her hell, and when she said nothing, and gently placed a hand on Lizzie’s shoulder, it pulled more tears from her eyes.

“Did Blue see these?”

Lizzie nodded without turning to face her.

Sky wrapped her arms around her from behind and rested her cheek against her back. “It’s gonna be okay.”

It was all Lizzie could do to shake her head as more tears fell.

“It really will be okay,” Sky reassured her.

Lizzie turned in to Sky’s embrace, and she cried on her friend’s shoulder. She was at no loss for reasons for her tears. She cried for keeping the truth hidden from everyone she loved, she cried for the demeaning things she’d done to earn money, and she cried for the man she’d never meant to hurt. And then, when she thought she’d cried all the tears she could possibly shed, she leaned back and looked into Sky’s eyes and she cried for the friendship she truly, desperately needed and the woman she hadn’t been fair to.

“You don’t hate me?” she asked.

“Hate you? You didn’t do anything to me, other than not trust me with your sexy little secret. No, I don’t hate you.” She wiped Lizzie’s tears away and smiled. “In fact, I think I love you even more knowing you’re not the Goody Two-shoes you appear to be.”

They both laughed at that. Lizzie swiped at her tears, thankful that she hadn’t lost her best friend, too. “I’m sorry, Sky. I’m sorry I lied to you about everything, including Blue asking me out. I’m so sorry.”