Secret Shopper (21 page)

              “
Tao Tao Tano
!” I teased. Meaning
people of the land
.

             
“Hey, Bruiser!”

I never got a chance to thank Tano for serving as a bouncer against my own husband.

“Drinks are on me.” I said.

Tano filled me in about Thomas’s checkered romantic history. It was the “potential girlfriend” version, but I gathered that Thomas dated a lot. I soaked up the information like a thirsty sponge—he liked women from every walk of life.

“I hope you don’t think my boy is a player. He didn’t sleep with half of the girls he dated. He was a space cowboy on an adventure.”

“I’m so mixed up, it would be like dating all those women in one. He should run for the hills.” Tano’s toothy grin told me that he saw past my ploy.

              “Hey, Phoenix. Or, do you prefer Nix? I never asked you that.” I embraced the use of my full name more each day. Being called Nix reminded me of my old life. Ending my marriage with Bradley was like trying to scrape fresh gum off of my shoe. It was never completely gone.

             
“Phoenix is fine. Um, is Thomas going to be joining you?” I tried to keep the excitement out of my voice, but by the pleased look in Tano’s face, I knew I failed. Tano explained that Thomas and Tamara took a drive north to Oceanside and Huntington Beach to scout out new locations for Bag It. I panicked for a second, thinking that they were moving the business out of San Diego. Tano reassured me again, in tune with my feelings. He said that the siblings were just branching out. Tamara wanted to cater to the Marine population in Oceanside and try her hand at the L.A. scene too.

“He’ll be busy helping his sister set up the new shops. They want to open by next February. Thomas should be back by Sunday morning,” Tano added for my benefit. “That guy is still really into you, just so you know.” I smiled.

              The night was pleasant, and the crowd was very energetic. I took a shot at one song that evening. I decided on The Corrs,
Leave Me Breathless
. I felt it was safe to sing that since Thomas wasn’t in the audience. I was secretly pleased at the standing ovation. I had a lunch date offer, which I of course declined and a drink offer, which I also refused. My heart, although in limbo was already on layaway for someone else.

             
“Hey, Phoenix, you know that I’ll be back here with Thomas and his sister and coworkers Sunday night if you want to check us out.” Tano was well aware of the friendship clause Thomas and I had in place.

             
“Thanks, but you know.” I smiled.

              I received a short text from Thomas on Saturday. He too tried to invite me to karaoke on Sunday. I texted my no immediately. I didn’t disclose that I knew where he was and what he was doing. I left it to him to share what he wanted. It was nice to be able to look through the window into Thomas’s life. I was content with that for now.

             
My weekend dragged, despite my attempts to keep busy and entertained. After church on Sunday, I put in a good workout at the gym. I wondered if that went against the religious notion of one day of rest. By the evening, as I sat and watched terrible reality T.V., I was painfully aware that Thomas was at Pass The Mic. Before I could stop myself, I dressed in jeans and a large hooded sweatshirt. I put on my raven wig and no make up aside from a coat of lip balm. I didn’t want any male attention tonight. My intent was not to make Thomas aware that I was in the bar. I wanted to sit back in a dark corner, in the hopes of hearing Thomas sing.

             
It was almost ten o’clock when I got to the bar. Thomas’s car and Tano’s motorcycle were parked side by side. I entered by the wayward door and made a beeline for a booth in the corner. I kept my back to the stage and sunk into my seat. A new waitress took my order and I kept it cool ordering a diet soda and nothing more. I spied Tano and Thomas at the bar. Tamara and Alma were on stage singing something by Veruca Salt. I hummed along as I surveyed my surroundings. My secret shopping gig helped me practice the art of invisibility. I buried my nose in the song binder and started to take notes on a sheet of paper for songs I wanted to sing next Friday. I was happily surprised to see Eddi Reader, Haim and Marina. I wrote the corresponding disc and song number along with about twenty other options when I finally heard Thomas on the mic.

             
The audience of Sunday regulars really knew Thomas and his sister. Perhaps they came every weekend just to hear the pair sing. The applause boomed for the two. I wished I had spy glasses so I could watch him without having to turn around. I pulled out my Blackberry and used the record notes app for the first time. I wasn’t sure how long I could record for, but my finger was hovered above the button ready to go.

             
“Thanks.” Thomas said shyly into the mic. Hearing his magnified voice made my heart flutter. His music was cued up and I recognized the guitar introduction right away. It was a Jason Mraz song,
If it Kills Me.
The audience was silent. Even new people walking in from my secret entrance, stopped in their tracks to watch Thomas. I lost myself in his beautiful voice, rifts and whispers done just right. His voice evoked so much longing and as egotistical as it may sound, I knew it was for me. I felt like ripping off my wig and running to the stage to embrace Thomas. It took me a lot of power to stay put, but the feelings I had for him were just as intense and I began to tear up.

             
The explosive applause woke me up from my reverie. I stood abruptly and thought it would be a good time to make my escape. I turned slightly and took Thomas’s vision in. He was on the stage staring out at the main entrance, looking melancholy. I backed up a few steps and bumped into a very large man. I apologized quickly and stormed out. I had parked my car further down the street in the darkness, probably not the smartest or safest thing to do, but I didn’t want to get caught.

             
I continued to make my Sunday visits, leaving as soon as I heard Thomas sing once. Week after week, every Sunday evening, Thomas sang a song full of longing on the topic of unreciprocated love. I became cognizant that there were hundreds, even thousands of songs like that out there, and it was like Thomas spent his week researching just the right one to portray his feelings. I didn’t record his singing after that first time. I didn’t even listen to what I recorded since the feelings and the lyrics were burned into my memory.

             
I filled my weeks as an almost single woman with work from Tuesday through Friday, a combination of crew runs or phone evaluations. I even joined a Tae Kwon Do class twice a week and I was able to drag Angelica to it. I was rusty at first, but muscle memory helped me remember my forms and kicks and punches in no time. I started at a white belt, even though on Guam as a child, I made it to my blue belt. Dad and mom wanted us to study something of the Korean culture and Tae Kwon Do was the perfect niche. I hated it for the first few months, but enjoyed having Pharaoh to kick around and not get scolded for doing so.

I enjoyed my karaoke Fridays tremendously. It was typically just Angelica, Ty and me. Once we dragged Uncle Tony but he was a fish out of water. Like me, he sang a song he knew from heart from our booth. I watched him closely thankful for his support and missing my father fiercely.

              That evening, I thought of Thomas, so I texted him. He finally informed me of the business’s expansion north and stated that he would be out of town all of Saturday. I fought the urge to invite him to karaoke. Next year, I thought—after my divorce was done,
finito!
I sent him a text wishing him a great weekend from the bar, without telling him where I was. I got on stage and awaited my Eddi Reader song,
Dolphins.
I silently dedicated it to Thomas.

              I would later find out that Thomas was doing secret missions of sneaking into the bar on the Friday’s when he was in town to hear me sing. That very evening, as I sang that song for Thomas, he was there to hear it first hand.

             
After thanking the audience for their kind applause, I asked Angelica and Ty for their drink orders and headed to the bar. The bar owner, Mr. Kang, warmed up pretty quick when I spoke to him in Korean a few weeks prior. I had to back track when he went off into an entire conversation in Korean. I explained that I really only knew how to say
hi, how are you
among other basics. He favored me after that, sometimes offering me and my group free drinks. I knew he also bumped up my song requests, since I never waited more than three songs even on a crowded night. He forgave me for the minor melee at our Halloween party and was relieved to know that Bradley would be out of town until Christmas.

             
“Hi, Fee-nux!” Mr. Kang beamed, sounding very much like my mom.

             
“Just a glass of white for me and two Buds, please.” Angelica had taken to drinking beers with Ty. I knew she hated beer and usually liked fruity drinks. I fretted that she was drinking in all the calories she lost at Tae Kwon Do.

             
“Sure, on the house!” 

             
“No,
kamsahamnida, ajasi,
but I can’t keep getting free drinks. Please. I want to pay.” He refused my money yet again. I would have to order drinks from the waitress next time.

             
“You know you singing bring me good business on Fridays! Like, you friends, Thomas and Tamara, on Sundays!” I didn’t realize that Mr. Kang knew of my connection to the Bag It
crew, specifically Thomas, since besides the party, I made it a point to not be here with him.

             
“Thomas just left, by the way.”

             
“He was here?”

“
Nae
! He order a soda, stay for ten minutes and left.” He pointed to the booth,
my
secret Sunday booth. I instinctively looked over to the empty booth. I wondered if he was still in the parking lot. I was suddenly mad at Tano. How else would Thomas have known that I was a Friday regular here? I wasn’t sure how I would handle this new revelation. I didn’t want to run into the parking lot.

I returned to Angelica and Ty, in the middle of their kiss. I felt awkward as they finally realized that I had returned with their drinks. I told them what Mr. Kang told me and for a split second they didn’t seem surprised. I began doubting their innocence in all this. It couldn’t have been Rachel because she was on lockdown from texting or calling Thomas.

              “You two better tell me what you know. Why was Thomas here?”

             
I raised a cardboard coaster and threatened to fling it at them. I had mad ninja skills. Angelica smiled and she pointed at Ty.

             
“Cuz, it’s not me. It’s Tano. I know you told him not to tell Thomas, but he let it slip when I went over there the other night. They were picking up a huge screen T.V. and needed the extra muscle.” With that said, Angelica caressed my cousin’s large bicep and I shivered with sisterly disgust. “Tano asked me, while he thought Thomas was outside, if we would be here tonight.”

             
Crap.
I felt guilty that Thomas had to find out that I was doing other things, fun things, that he as a friend should be invited to. Should I call him now? I felt hypocritical because I was doing the same sneaking around. I figured it was for a few more weeks only. I really wanted to enjoy his company, but if not for the inconvenience of still being married. Deciding on remaining mum on the topic, I warned Ty and Angelica to put Tano on notice. The rest of night was doused in my disappointment, so I headed home early.

Chapter 12

Yes, I’m from Guam

              November turned into December, and I missed my parents a lot over the holidays, especially on dad’s 60
th
birthday which fell on Thanksgiving. I spent turkey day with my Uncle Tony, Ty and Angelica. Thomas noticeably kept his distance.

I wasn’t sure about my Christmas plans. That would be answered for me soon enough and in a way I never expected.

              Thomas and I carried on like we weren’t spying on each other, hiding in the dark during karaoke nights. I was aware that a hooded man, sitting in the spy booth was present. Even Mr. Kang played along with me and gave me the okay sign when he knew Thomas was there. Mr. Kang was on my side, so even though Thomas asked Mr. Kang to keep his visits a secret, he was none the wiser. I decided to make him squirm. This karaoke cloak and dagger game was fun.

I selected the same
Jason Mraz song Thomas sang weeks before. I stepped onto the stage boldly. I wore a pair of black linen pants and an eggplant colored cashmere sweater. I playfully held my wine colored pearls and locked the heels of my black boots on the bar stool ready for this rollercoaster ride. I told Angelica that I would be singing Thomas’s favorite song. From our table, she gave me a wink. When the familiar guitar melody started, I could see Thomas shift his body sideways. His face was still hooded, but I had his attention. I watched his knee bob up and down, double time to the beat. I shooed my nerves off like they were flies and imagined that I was auditioning for Thomas’s heart. He didn’t know that that was my motivation, but I had to throw the guy a bone or something. I didn’t want to lose him. The New Year was on the horizon. I was about to go from Nix Farmer back to Phoenix Lizama.