Second Thoughts (18 page)

She saw a bench and walked over to it. Sitting, she sank her face into her hands. What was wrong with her? What had made her suddenly panic? Was it just nerves? She remembered when the exact thing had happened at school when she was waiting to take an exam. She had got over that episode by blowing into a small paper bag the school nurse had given her.

Melissa was feeling spasms of guilt now as she leaned her head right back and inhaled a deep breath. She told herself to get up, walk back into the clinic and apologise. Bettina would understand. She would talk her down like she normally did if something was stressing her out. But the thing that was worrying her was something she could never tell Bettina about.

She blew out a frustrated breath. The only other person she could turn to wasn’t answering her calls. She wouldn’t have dumped this on Eli anyway. No, she had to sort out her own problems.

Faye edged her Ford Fiesta onto the M40 and cruised down the inside lane. Switching off the radio, she briefly turned to look at Sara. “So, me and Chrissy were thinking of coming to pay you a visit in a couple of months.”

“That would be great. I look forward to it. I’ve got more than enough room in my place for you both to stay.”

“Great, I’ll tell her. So are you all packed and ready to go?”

“Yeah. I’ll be glad to see the back of this place. It’s time I moved on to greener pastures.”

“I can’t believe you’re single. I thought they’d be lining up for you over there.”

Sara smirked. “I wouldn’t exactly say I’ve been living like a nun. But it gets a bit tiresome when you don’t feel that connection with someone.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Before I met Chrissy, I didn’t even believe there was such a thing as the ‘one’.”

Sara kneaded the back of her neck. “Well I can only hope that there isn’t only one love of your life. I can’t imagine getting old and still pining after Melissa. How tragic would that be?”

Faye chuckled. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Like Chrissy said, you’ve got closure now. Melissa made her choice. It’s not as if you didn’t try.”

She leaned over to the back seat and snatched her phone from her bag. Number unknown. She contemplated ignoring it before sighing and answering it.

“Hello.”

“Sara, it’s Melissa.”

“Melissa. What’s wrong?” she turned to Faye.

“I need to see you.”

She could hear the desperation in her voice. “What’s happened?”

“Please, come.”

“Okay, listen to me. We’re about an hour from London. Wait for me in the bar at my hotel.”

“Ok, but please hurry.”

“I will. Just go and wait.”

She turned to Faye. “Can you put your foot down? We need to get back to London, ASAP.”

“Is she alright?”

Sara shrugged. “That’s what I’m about to find out,” she said looking out of the window.

***

Sara strode across the polished tiles in the foyer and turned down the narrow corridor that led to the bar. Melissa was sitting by one of the tables near a glass-blocked wall. She slowly got to her feet as Sara approached. Casually dressed in faded jeans and a black v –neck jumper, she looked dishevelled but beautifully childlike at the same time. She had an air of vulnerability that made Sara want to take her in her arms and be her defence shield. Melissa’s hand held a half-empty wine glass and by the way she swayed slightly to the left and then the right, she’d already had one too many
.

Sara embraced her gently then dropped into the seat beside her. “Have you had an argument with Bettina?” she asked hesitantly.

Melissa shook her head as she raked her hand through her hair, still keeping her eyes fixed on Sara’s.

Sara watched her as she seemed to be struggling with whatever story was going on in her head.

“We went to the clinic today for the insemination and I just freaked out.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were most probably having a panic attack. Having a baby’s a massive life changer.”

Her shoulders sagged. “But I thought it was what I wanted.”

Sara moved close enough that she could smell the zesty freshness of her perfume. “Missy, you’re allowed to have second thoughts you know. Nothing is set in stone. You might feel completely different about the situation tomorrow.”

She clamped her eyes shut. “Will I? Dammit!” She cursed as she lowered her forehead to the table.

Sara placed her arm around her shoulder for a few seconds. She hated to see her going through pain. She felt helpless knowing there was nothing she could do to ease it. She had suffered in the same way when she had chosen her PhD over Melissa.

Melissa straightened up. “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” she moaned before emptying her glass in one go. “I should never have married her. I should have listened to Faye.”

Sara laughed. “Let’s be realistic here. As great as Faye is, she’s not the best Agony Aunt out there. You did what you thought was the right thing to do.”

“For who? Everyone but me.”

Of course she agreed with her. That’s what she had been trying to tell her since she got back, but she wouldn’t listen to her. Now that Melissa had made a rod for her own back, she was going to have to suffer the consequences. There was no way Sara was going to get into a love triangle especially with an innocent baby involved.

“Missy, you’re not an idiot. You’re just loyal to a fault. Which means you make decisions that might be the right ones morally, but not necessarily the right ones for you.”

“I’m stuck now, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not. You’ve always got choices.” She reached out and took her hand, hoping she didn’t notice the slight tremors in her fingers.

“What would you do if you were me?” she asked, her eyes narrowing.

“Well from my biased point of view, I’d run back to the States with me and live happily ever after. But if you want to know what the right thing to do is – I’d go back to my wife and make a go of things.”

Melissa looked at her bewildered but remained silent.

Sara knew what she must be thinking. That she was probably trying to get rid of her so she could go back to the States guilt free. But that line of thought couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Sara reached down and held her hand. “It’s not just about the two of you anymore. Bettina could be pregnant. I never thought I’d say this but she deserves your commitment now, they both do.”

“But I can’t do this. I don’t love her.” She dropped her eyes to her empty glass. “The way I love you.”

“If I hadn’t come back, you’d be happily married now at home making plans for the future. You’re confused at the moment. You know what the right thing to do is.”

As heavy as her heart felt she knew there was no future between them, not with a baby in the picture. The stakes were too high now. “Go home Melissa and put me out of your head. Your future is with Bettina now, not a ghost from the past.”

Melissa snuck into the darkened house. She was gasping for some water. Drinking in the day was a definite no-no for her. She made her way to the kitchen and took some water from the fridge, guzzling it straight from the bottle.

“You’re not dead then.”

She jumped when she heard Bettina’s voice, water spilling down the side of her mouth. She wiped it away with the back of her hand and ignored the rapid heart palpitations in her chest. Trying to keep her voice steady she replied, “I thought you’d be asleep.”

Bettina snorted. “Shall I rephrase that for you? You
hoped
I’d be asleep.”

“I don’t want to argue Bettina. I’m tired and
–
”

“What! You’re tired. What kind of a fucking day do you think I’ve had?”

Melissa rested her head against the fridge door. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

“You’re sorry! Are you fucking kidding me? That’s it! No explanation, you’re just sorry.”

She braved a glance in Bettina’s direction and immediately regretted it when she saw the pain in her eyes and realised there was nothing she could do to ease it. “I don’t know what to say.”

“How about the truth?”

She covered her eyes with the palms of her hands and exhaled a deep heavy breath. “The truth is...I don’t know.”

“Melissa, we’ve been planning this baby for months and now we’re finally doing it you do a runner,” she said, throwing her arms up in the air.

Melissa dropped her hands to her side. “I said I’m sorry.”

“Well sorry isn’t going to cut it this time. Every time you fuck up I let you get away with it. I’ve babied you for too long now; it’s time for you to stand on your own two feet.”

“I never asked you to smother me like a mother hen, Bettina. You did that all by yourself.”

“Smother you!”

Melissa could feel the heat rising to her face. “Yes! You treat me like a child. Everything has to be your way. When
you
want to get married, when
you
want to have a baby. It’s all about you.”

A flicker of panic flashed in Bettina’s eyes. “Are you saying you didn’t want a baby?”

“No. There you go again, putting words in my mouth.”

Bettina stared back at her speechless. “Only because you never let me know what you’re really thinking. You agree to everything just to keep the peace. Why didn’t you just say that you never wanted a baby from the beginning?” she asked, her voice rising to a shrill.

Bettina stomped over to the wall cupboards, opening and slamming doors until she found a box of painkillers. Ripping open the box, she snapped two out of the silver packet and knocked them back in one gulp.

“It’s not that at all. I just think
–
”

“Don’t say that, Melissa. Because you’re not thinking. That’s the problem with you, you never do. If you did, you’d realise I’m getting older. I don’t have time to wait. I want...no,
need
to have a baby now before it’s too late. Don’t you see?” she said clutching at her stomach.

Melissa glanced down at the ground. Guilt enveloping her. She hadn’t given a second thought about Bettina’s fertility. She had assumed any woman could give birth until their menopause and Bettina was nowhere near that stage of her life yet.

Bettina scraped her hand over her face. “Oh I don’t know why I’m wasting my time telling you all this. You’ve still got plenty of child bearing years ahead of you; you wouldn’t understand what I’m going through.”

“Bettina, I know how important this is to you, but I don’t see the problem with waiting a few weeks even months maybe. It’s not like you’re going to become infertile overnight.”

Bettina crossed her arms as she continued to stare at her.

“I just don’t want to risk–” Melissa said.

“–You don’t want to risk what?”

“Making a mistake,”

“And what’s brought all this on? You’ve never mentioned any of this before.”

“Yeah that’s because...” She stopped abruptly.

“Go on say it, that’s because, what? Sara wasn’t around.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to. Who are you? What’s happened to the woman who was my everything? Whose life was a part of my own?”

“Maybe I don’t want to be that person anymore. Maybe I just want my own life, without being henpecked over every decision I make.”

Bettina slumped into a chair. She looked up at Melissa with tearful eyes. “You want me to let you go, is that it?”

Sadness swept over Melissa. “I...”

“Fine, well go.” Bettina slammed her hand down on the table. “Go on, you fool. Go back to the woman who left you because you weren’t good enough. See how long it lasts before she dumps you again. She doesn’t love you and she never did.” She let out a bitter laugh. “Thank God I didn’t go through with the insemination.”

Relief engulfed Melissa like a hurricane. “You didn’t do it?”

Bettina sniffed and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. “No. So there’s nothing to tie you to me anymore.”

Melissa moved towards her, stopping in her tracks when Bettina held up her hand. “Bettina, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“But it’s obvious you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Just tell me one thing,” she said, her expression pained.

Melissa looked at her questioningly.

“Just tell me why you married me. Be truthful.”

Melissa sighed. “Because I thought it was what I wanted. I really did.”

“Well now I want you to leave and let me have some dignity,” Bettina said burying her face in her hands.

“I’m sorry things ended this way, Bettina.” She took the rings off her finger and laid them gently on the side.

“So am I. Go and get your things together. I’ll wait here until you’ve gone.”

Melissa stood outside the door, debating the pros and cons of her hasty decision.

If she was going to leave it had to be a clean break.
Jesus, the guilt’s too much
. She just wanted to get out of there and not look back. She didn’t want to spend anymore of her life living in regret and she knew that’s what the future held if she stayed.

She took a deep breath and walked up the stairs to pack, all the while listening to Bettina’s sobs. Instead of making Melissa change her mind it just served to tell her she was making the right decision. Bettina deserved to be with someone who loved her and her only.