Seaglass (18 page)

Knox pushed up and out of his chair. The sounds of the snowplow making another pass down his street droned on. He opened his front door and listened to the stillness that accompanied falling snow. He’d never really appreciated it until his sight had faltered, but now he closed his eyes and listened. The plow rumbled in the distance and branches ached and moaned as the snow weighed them down.

Knox leaned against the open doorway and drank his beer, appreciating the serenity of the moment. He wasn’t much of a social creature by nature so a night like this one suited him just fine—except for the fact that his heart ached for Madeline.

With a sigh, he shut the door and returned to his easy chair. Each day that passed only moved them further and further apart. As he turned the pages of the calendar, he wondered if time was like distance; after a while it was just too big to conquer.

His desire to hear her voice overwhelmed him. He looked over at his cell phone. It was almost nine o’clock in Colorado, but midnight in New York. She was probably sleeping.

Just as he was about to get up, his phone vibrated. He looked at the display and felt his heart jump.

“Maddie?”

“Hi.” She answered with a breathlessness that made his heart squeeze tight.

“I was going to call you, but I just realized how late it was in New York.”

“You were gonna call?” She asked, heart soaring.

“Yeah. I just wanted to see how you were.”

“I’m okay. Actually, I’ve been thinking about coming back to Touchstone for a visit.” She squeezed her eyes tight, waiting for his response.

Knox stopped himself from getting excited. She’d promised that exact same thing too many times. “Oh. That’d be nice. We’d all love to see you.”

Madeline heard the hesitation in his voice and closed her eyes to will away the tears. She knew she’d broken her word too many times for him to trust her.

“How are you?” His deep voice vibrated in her ear.

“Fine.”

“Really? You’re fine?”

“My father wants me to stay. He thinks I can help his image in the next election.”

“Next election? He was just elected. Isn’t it a little early to be worried?”

Madeline sighed. “There’s some talk about him taking over the Senate seat when Senator Grayston retires.”

“Wow.” Knox said, surprised.

“Yeah. Apparently I’m needed on the campaign trail—again.”

“Then I guess you’ve got your work cut out for you.”

“I guess. Maybe I can schedule a quick trip for the holidays?”

“I know Kayla would be thrilled to see you.”

“What about you? Tell me the truth Knox. Do you want to see me?”

He opened his eyes and took in the very blurry form of the room in front of him. She had no idea how badly his eyesight had deteriorated. She didn’t know her words stung. He tried to not be sensitive to it, but with Madeline, the pain sliced deeply. Even if she were sitting beside him right now, he’d have trouble bringing her face into focus. It stabbed him in the heart that the last time he saw her was probably going to be the last time he’d ever truly see her.

“Sure.” He answered, pulling himself away from the brink of self-pity.

Madeline felt instantly stung by his cavalier reply, but truthfully she knew she deserved it. Even if they were only friends now, she’d still been a lousy one. She rarely called him and checked in. She had practically no idea what was happening in his life. Of course that didn’t mean she didn’t think about him. She closed her eyes as she listened to his voice and let herself imagine for just a second that she was right there beside him in her beloved Touchstone, Colorado.

“I’ll email you my travel arrangements when I get them sorted out.”

“That’s fine.”

“Knox?” She’d tried to maintain the distant veneer. She owed it to him to stop jerking around with his emotions, yet she so desperately wanted to reach out.

“Yeah?”

“I miss you.”

She waited while those three words hung in the air like some sort of stop-motion nightmare. She could hear her own breathing, but from the other end of the line, nothing but silence. She’d ventured a toe into the wading pool to find it ice cold. Well, what did she expect?

“ I’ll see you soon.” She said quickly.

“I’m glad you called. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Sure. You too.”

He held the phone away from his ear when he heard her disconnect. He knew what she wanted; what she needed. He just didn’t think he was the man that could give it to her anymore. He wasn’t so cliché as to think a blind man had no chance at a healthy relationship. No, it was something else that niggled at him. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but somehow whenever he thought of them together in the future, he felt hollow; as if he was holding something back, something vital. He didn’t know how to get around that feeling or if it would ever go away.

Well, it was pointless anyway. Maddie had her own demons to slay and if their last conversation was any indication, she was a long way from being ready for anything real with him. Would she ever be ready? Would he? He didn’t know the answer, but he knew it shouldn’t have been so hard. Relationships weren’t supposed to tear you apart and leave you so raw. He’d see her when she came to town for a visit and then he’d dam up those walls again.

“She’s staying with you?” Knox said to his father.

“Yes.” Ed drew the word out to indicate he didn’t particularly want nor need Knox’s opinion on the matter.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea? I mean, she’s…”

“She’s what, son?”

Knox moved across the kitchen and located a chair. He slumped down and threw up his hands. “I don’t know!”

Ed chuckled. “She’s gonna bunk in your old room. I didn’t think you mind so much.” He teased.

“I don’t mind her being in my room.” Knox said with heat. Although, now that he got to thinking about it, there was something distinctly tantalizing about Madeline sleeping in his childhood bed. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

“She’s only staying a few days and I didn’t want her to worry about getting a hotel room. Besides, it’s just me rumbling around this ole’ place.”

Knox swallowed his argument. He’d known from the beginning that his dad and Maddie were kindred spirits. They recognized something in each other; an understanding of a past best left unspoken. He’d seen it in both their eyes.

“Fine. Let’s just remember that she’s my ex-girlfriend. I don’t want it to be awkward.”

Ed watched his son from the kitchen as he continued to prepare lunch. Today he was making wraps with eggplant, fresh mozzarella and spinach. A year ago he would’ve scoffed at the idea of eating such a ridiculous thing, but he’d been taking a cooking class with Liz, the neighbor, and now he was surprising himself. He didn’t want to think too hard about Liz. The idea of actually dating a woman made his palms sweat and his heart race in a way that had him reaching for his nitroglycerin tablets. He hadn’t been on a date in more than forty years. He’d planned for he and Sheryl to live to a ripe old age together. Ed hadn’t figured he’d be thrown back into the single life at sixty five.

As he carefully laid the spinach leaves over the mozzarella he thought that the same could be said for Knox. Ed had thought, as had they all, that Maddie had been the one. In fact, he was still holding onto that dream for his son.

‘Course life had a way of throwing you a curve ball and Knox and Maddie had more than fair share. He just hoped it wasn’t too much for them. He knew better than to butt in too much, though. Ed figured that inviting Maddie to camp out at his place would be the extent of it. Anything more than that was up to the two of them.

Ed finished up and carried the platter over to the table. He served Knox and gave him a quick description of what he’d be eating.

“Wow, not bad.” Knox said around a mouthful of food.

“Don’t act so surprised. It’s really nothing more than assembly.”

“I taste some fresh pesto in here. Did you make it?”

“Um, yeah. Liz and I did at our class last night.”

Knox covered his wide grin with another bite of his food.

“Knock that off.” Ed grumbled.

“What? I’m happy for you.”

“Stop it.”

Knox held up his hands in surrender. “Fine. Okay.”

Ed put down his wrap and blew out a frustrated breath. “I like her. Okay?”

“Okay.” Knox answered, a little puzzled. “Dad, it’s your life. You don’t need our permission—“

“It’s not that.” Ed interrupted. “I just…damn it, it’s just weird.”

“I suppose, but as far as Kay and I are concerned, we’re happy for you.”

“Thanks.” Ed mumbled.

“It’s good that you have somebody, Dad. Mom would want that for you.”

Ed studied his son, wondering if he knew how much he wished the very same thing for him. He didn’t answer expect to pat Knox’s arm and then return to eating his delicious wrap, if he did say so himself.

xXx

Knox sat quietly in the passenger seat of Dave’s jeep as his friend prattled on and on about his relationship with Elin. Apparently Dave was going with her back to Norway for the holidays.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that? Meeting the family is a big deal.”

“I’m not worried. They’ll love me.”

Knox rolled his eyes. “Do they speak English?”

“A little, but Elin will translate.”

“Yeah, good luck.” Knox laughed.

“Why are you laughing at me?”

“No man, I’m happy for you.” Knox shook his head.

“You just wait and see…I think she might be The One.”

“Well, I wish you the best.”

“Speaking of…how are things with Hannah?”

“Fine.”

“Everything is always “fine” with you.”

“What? It is “fine.””

“You just don’t seem too fired up.”

“I don’t know.” Knox rubbed the back of his neck is a gesture of frustration. “It’s complicated.”

“She’s not pressuring you to get married again, is she?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“What’s the problem then? You two seem good together.”

Knox wished he could just tell Dave exactly what the problem was: Hannah wasn’t Maddie. Instead, he just mumbled something and shrugged his shoulders. Out the window, the wintery landscape flew by. He tried not to get excited that Maddie would be here in less than twenty four hours for her visit. After all, it was only a friendly visit. She was coming to see all of them—not just him. Whatever romantic love had existed between them was over now. Now, they were only friends.

Thankfully, before Dave had a chance to continue, they’d arrived at his Dad’s place. Knox hopped out of the jeep and thanked his friend for the lift before trudging up the walkway to the front door. He pulled open the heavy front door and let himself inside his childhood home. It still smelled a little like his mother’s perfume.

“Dad?” Knox called out as he shook the snow off his parka and hung it on the hook in the entryway. He sat down on the bench by the door and pulled off his boots.

“Dad? I’m here.” He shouted again into the silence. Knox stood up and tilted his head, listening. Even though it was only four thirty, the sun had already begun to set and the shadows in the house had grown long.

Knox assumed his Dad wasn’t back from the store yet and walked forward into the darkened kitchen. He made his way to the fridge and pulled out a Dr. Pepper. He was just about to crack it open when he heard steps on the back porch and then the sound of the door swinging open.

“Uncle Knox!” The delighted squeal of his little niece rang out.

“Hey kiddo.” He turned toward her voice and could make out her fuzzy shape against the purple background of the evening sky. “What were you doing out there?”

“Making a snowman!” She said as she pulled her snowsuit and boots off.

“By yourself?” Knox asked; puzzled. He’d thought that Skylar was with Kayla.

“No. I’m here.”

Knox felt the can of soda begin to slide out of his grip. He quickly tightened it and put it down on the counter beside the fridge, facing away from her.

“Hi Knox.” Maddie’s soft voice spoke from the far side of the kitchen.

“I didn’t think you were coming until tomorrow.” He said, still stunned.

“I got an early flight. Your dad said it was okay.”

“Can I go play with my new doll now?” Skylar, oblivious to the obvious tension, asked.

“Sure.” Madeline replied. “Your granddad will be home soon and then we can make dinner.”

Knox watched the small blur of his niece zip past him and upstairs.

“Your sister had a late meeting, so I volunteered to watch Sky.”

“Oh.” Knox said. He still couldn’t believe that after all these months Maddie was standing only a few feet away.

“I’m sorry to surprise you like this.” She said as she came forward into the room.

Knox finally regained some semblance of composure. “It’s fine. Sorry—I didn’t mean to act so stunned. I just wasn’t expecting to see you …” he swallowed, unable to finish his sentence.

“I’m sorry.” She repeated.

Knox couldn’t seem to stop staring at her. She was still just a dark, blurry form standing on the other side of the kitchen. It was driving him crazy.

She’d finished taking off her wet layers and hanging them on the peg hooks by the door. She looked around the kitchen nervously for something to occupy her hands. Whenever her eyes stopped on Knox, she found his gaze transfixed on her.

“Do you want me to go?” She said softly. “I don’t want to ruin the holidays for you. After all, this is your family. I’m just a—“

“No.” He stepped forward. “No, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” She smiled. “I’m so grateful for the invitation from your dad.”

“He’s got a soft spot for you, that’s for sure.” Knox chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck.

“He’s a good man.” Madeline said as she looked out the window at the falling snow.

Knox heard the sad note in her voice and knew immediately that she was thinking of her own father.

“How are you?”

“You know, I’ve come to really hate that question. I feel like when people ask me that, they’re really saying ‘are you totally blind yet? And how’s that working out?”

Madeline felt as if she’d been slapped. That, of course, had not been what she’d meant with her question. She answered in kind.

“I know what you mean. I feel like people are thinking ‘wow, dead mom, one suicide attempt already under her belt. Wonder what she’ll do next?”

“So?”

“So?” She responded, raising an eyebrow.

“What will you do next?” He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to fight the grin from spreading.

Madeline recognized his playful tone and despite his attempts to hide it, she saw the telltale twitching of his lips as he fought to hide his beautiful smile.

“Some days I think about becoming a long shore fisherman…or a test pilot. So many choices…” she smirked.

“Well, I’ve just landed the last spot in the test pilot category. Sorry, but I was clearly the better candidate.” He chuckled.

“Fine. You’d be better than me anyway. My heart belongs to the deep blue sea.” She laughed.

Knox laughed with her. God, it felt good to laugh. He realized suddenly that it had been a long time since he’d felt anything remotely light in his life. Somehow, even the terrifying prospect of completely losing his eyesight someday didn’t seem so serious as long as Maddie was standing across from him making jokes.

“Well, if that test pilot thing doesn’t work out, there’s always brain surgery.”

“I don’t think they’d be too happy to have me apply for that.”

“Why ever not?” She teased.

“I hate the sight of blood.” He deadpanned and waited for her to laugh.

“Then I think your lack of vision would be a bonus.” She fired back and had him howling.

“Good point. I’ll look into it.” He said as he regained some composure. “I guess we’ve both been getting a lot of nosy fake sympathy lately, huh?”

“Yeah.” She said as the laughter died down. “I feel like a robot. I just regurgitate the same responses…’it’s difficult without mom, but we’re still a family. We’re all here for each other.’”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. The lie used to bother me, but honestly, I don’t care anymore. I’m just doing my time.”

“Doing your time?”

Madeline sobered immediately and realized she’d revealed too much of her plan. “I mean, I’m just trying to work through it…you know.”

“How are you, though?”

Madeline let her eyes fall to the floor. She worried that if she let him in, even a little, she wouldn’t be able to hold back the tide of emotions. “I’m okay.”

Knox shoved his hands deep into his back pockets. So, they were back there again, it seemed. A minute ago, he’d felt like they were close to being honest with each other. He’d only wanted to express that he still cared about her. Didn’t she know that she didn’t have to throw the wall up to keep him out?

“You seem good.” She offered, trying to let him know that she too, cared about him.

“I’m okay.” He smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, there’s not much I can do about it.” He shrugged.

Madeline was about to respond when headlights flashed across the back of the kitchen accompanied by the roar of Ed’s pick-up truck.

“I’m glad you’re here.” Knox offered before the moment was lost.

“Me too, Knox.” She said as she reached out and touched his arm and squeezed. She let her hand linger on him for only a brief moment before heading to the back door. Even through the thick layer of his thermal shirt, the heat of her hand set his nerves on fire.

Knox watched as the shadow figure of his father came barreling into the house, loaded down with groceries and packages. The scene was mostly a happy one. Kayla would be along shortly with the twins and they were all going to make homemade pizzas together. If it hadn’t been for Madeline’s brief touch, he thought he maybe just might be able to get on with his life. But no. She’d touched him…and he’d felt it. And that had been enough for him to realize that he might never completely get over Madeline Roberts.