Seaglass (13 page)

It was only as she was turning to go back inside did she feel the vibration of her cell phone in her coat pocket. She pulled it out and smiled when she was Knox’s name on the display. She’d missed his call, but he’d left a voicemail. She quickly accessed it.

“
Hey Maddie. It’s Knox. Listen, I need to talk to you. I’m sorry to do this while you’re in New York, but…um, anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something. It’s important. Anyway, call me when you can.”

Maddie’s heart thumped hard against her chest. His voice sounded off. She immediately dialed his number and was dismayed when it went immediately to voicemail. She tried again over the course of the next two hours, but he never answered. Finally, she called Kayla.

“Hello?”

“Kayla? It’s Maddie.”

“Hey stranger!”

Maddie exhaled, relieved that Kayla sounded like her normal, bubbly self.

“Hi. Um, I hate to bother you with this, but Knox called and left a message and now I can’t get ahold of him.”

“Oh.”

“Kayla, he sounded…off. Is he okay?” She asked, holding her breath.

Kayla exhaled slowly, debating whether or not to tell Maddie about Knox and his decision to go to Littleton. Finally, she relented.

“Actually, no. He’s having more trouble with his eyes…”

xXx

Madeline raised her hand up to knock on Knox’s front door and realized it was shaking. She blew out a breath and steadied her nerves. After talking to Kayla, she’d driven directly to the airport. Her only thoughts were to get to Knox as fast as possible. She’d been flying for four hours and had spent another two in a rental car. When she’d finally pulled up in front of his house, the nerves had hit hard.

Now, she steadied herself and knocked. She waited for only a moment before the door was opened. He simply took her breath away. He was more gorgeous than she’d remembered. He stood there, wearing a faded blue Henley and well-worn jeans with a look of total surprise on his face.

“Maddie!”

“Hi.”

He moved quickly and enveloped her in his arms. She closed her eyes against the tide of emotion and let herself sink into the warmth of his embrace. Finally he released and pulled her inside.

“What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call?” He asked as he pulled her inside.

“I tried. I left you a bunch of messages.” She smiled at him as she reached out and brushed sawdust off his head. “I guess you were busy.”

“The damn phone. I let the battery die and then I had it charging in the house all day while I was in the shop.”

“I figured. I called Kayla instead.”

Suddenly the playfulness and light went out of his eyes and was replaced by hardness.

“Are you hungry? You must be starving. Did you just fly in?”

Madeline stopped in her tracks as she was in the middle of unbuttoning her charcoal overcoat. “Knox.”

He hated that tone. God, he hated this. Obviously she knew. Obviously Kayla had told her every last pathetic detail and that was exactly why she wasn’t allowing him to derail the conversation now with mindless questions about dinner.

“So, that’s why you’re here, huh?” He asked with hands firmly shoved into the back pockets of his jeans. “You came to what? See for yourself?”

Madeline slowly finished removing her coat. She folded it over her arm and smoothed it down to cover her shaking hands. When Kayla had told her that Knox’s eyesight had worsened, she’d felt such a sense of panic and fear. Her only thoughts were to get to him as quickly as possible. Now that she was standing face to face with him, she had no idea what to say.

“I wanted to be here with you.” She said carefully.

He dropped his head and studied the blurry form of his sneaker with extreme intensity. She’d thrown his words right back in his face. When her mother was sick and dying, all he wanted was to comfort her. Now that he was the one in crisis, why couldn’t he let her do the same for him?

“I’m leaving soon, so you didn’t need to come all this way.”

“Knox.” She stepped forward and laid her hand on his chest; feeling the warmth of his skin and the strong beat of his heart through his shirt. “I missed you.” She said; unbidden. It hadn’t been what she’d been planning to say, but it came out nonetheless. He was here and she couldn’t help herself from relishing in his proximity.

He closed his eyes as she moved forward and laid her head on his shoulder. He loved that she was tall. They were a good match physically, he thought. She was strong and stalwart. He’d known that from the first moment he’d met her. Now, he exhaled a shaky breath and allowed himself to lean into her; if only for a second.

“C’mon. Let’s sit.” He pulled away and led her into the living room. Madeline followed and settled herself on the couch while Knox went about stoking a low fire and adding more wood. She watched him as he bent down to put another log on the fire. Finally when he’d sufficiently rebuilt it, he turned and sat next to her.

He hadn’t taken a good look at her before; or maybe she’d been too far away for him to clearly see her, now that she was sitting next to him on the couch, he took her all in. She was thinner, for sure. He could see dark circles under those brilliant seaglass eyes. And she was dressed so differently. She looked like she was going to a young republicans meeting, with her matching sweater set and string of pearls.

“How are you, Maddie? How are things back home?” He reached out and held one of her ice cold hands.

She felt herself leaning into his touch. His hands were like a soothing balm. She felt guilty almost immediately for taking comfort in him when she’d come here for the express purpose of comforting him.

“Fine.” She swallowed hard and let her eyes flit away from his. She knew that if he looked into her eyes, he’d see the lie. “How are you? Kayla only told me a little.”

He pulled his hand away and let it fall into his lap. “What did she tell you?”

“That you needed to go to an institute for a while…that your eyes were worse…” She finished softly and watched as the tension in his jaw caused the muscle to jump.

“That’s about the long and short of it.” He exhaled and stood up, pacing back to the fireplace. Madeline rose and stood behind him; letting her hands travel across the flat, muscular planes of his back. She couldn’t resist touching him.

He turned in her arms and looked down at her.

“How long will you be gone?”

“I think six months.”

“Six months? Oh…I didn’t think it’d be so long.” She pulled back from him a little.

“You can stay here, if you want.”

“What? In your house?”

“Yeah. It’s okay with me.” He shrugged.

She turned and walked toward his bookcases and ran her hands along the multitude of books.

“I wish I could.” She said, still facing the shelves.

“Why not?”

She could hear the hard edge in his voice and absolutely hated that she put it there. “I need to stay in New York for a while longer.” She trailed off and finally turned to face him. “In fact, I need to talk to Kayla about selling the Victorian house.”

“But you’ve barely started the renovation.”

“I know, but I won’t be here and –“

“Are you moving back to New York?” He asked slowly, afraid to hear her answer.

“Not forever. Just until—“

“So, when were you planning on telling me?” His anger boiled over. He’d been waiting and waiting for her and she hadn’t even had the decency to be honest with him. He leaned back against the bookcase and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I don’t…I was going to talk to you about it…and then Kayla—“

“I get it. Kayla tells you my big, sad news and you come rushing back. Why? Didn’t want to break it off over the phone?” He asked, bitterness coloring his voice.

“No!” She scoffed. “I don’t want to break up. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you hadn’t gotten around to telling me that you were staying in New York. I’ve been calling you almost every day Maddie. You never once said anything about staying.” He could hear his voice rising now but could do nothing to stop it.

“It wasn’t a plan, Knox! My father needs me right now and –“

“Oh.” He put up a hand to stop her protest. “I get it.”

“What? You get what?”

“Daddy lets you back in and you’re all too happy to lap up the table scraps he throws you.”

“That’s a cruel thing to say, Knox.” Her voice was deadly calm.

“Maybe, but it’s true. Isn’t it?”

She didn’t answer. The urge to defend herself roared inside her head, but there was also another voice that whispered that Knox was right.

“I haven’t forgotten what he put me though. I’m not ever going to let that happen again. But things are different now—“

“I can’t do this, Maddie.” Knox moved away from the mantel and sat down heavily on the couch. “I can’t play armchair psychologist with you anymore. I have my own fucking problems.”

She flinched as if she’d been slapped. Here she was, in a ridiculous attempt to be supportive to him and all she could do was talk about herself. Knox was right; she was pathetic.

“I should go.” She said as she gathered her coat and turned toward the door.

“Wait.” He rose and followed her.

She stopped and turned to face him. She took in his shaggy blonde hair and strong jaw and wondered if it was the last time she’d ever see him. This was the man she loved more than anyone. He was the middle of a terrible crisis yet all they’d managed to discuss was her and her problems. He deserved more; so much more.

He didn’t speak to her. He seemed he’d run out of words too.

“I’m so sorry, Knox.”

“Maddie—“he started, but then stopped. The words would not come. He was still so angry; angry at her, angry at himself. Angry at everything.

She said nothing as she put on her coat and stepped out the front door and into the dark night.

xXx

“Fuck!” He yelled as he heard her car pull away from the curb. The urge to throw or punch something was overwhelming but he pushed it down. After all, whatever he broke, he’d just have to clean up, and it wasn’t lost on him that with his eyesight entering the category of ‘totally shitty’ that would be difficult. And as far as punching something, he didn’t think it would be too good an idea to enter the Center for the Blind on Monday with bleeding knuckles.

Instead, he moved into the darkened kitchen and pulled a bottle of liquor out from under the sink. He didn’t have much of a taste for hard alcohol. Beer was his preference, but he knew he had a few bottles of random alcohol left over. Now, he poured himself a glass from a green bottle and hoped it wasn’t some kind of sweet liqueur.

He fired down the first shot and felt the sting in his throat—gin. Well, it was a little harsh without a mixer, but what the hell. He poured a second shot and then a third until his throat was on fire. He could keep doing this, he reasoned, until the pain of Maddie’s leaving numbed. He didn’t know what the hell to do about any of it.

xXx

“You’re going to miss Thanksgiving.” His father spoke from the utility room where he’d been helping Knox close up his house.

Knox pulled his baseball cap lower over his face as he sat slumped on a stool at the kitchen counter. He felt like his skull was splitting open. “I know.” He mumbled.

“Kayla wants you to come home for the holidays.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m sure you get a Christmas break—“

“Dad—this isn’t college. “ He said tiredly.

“I know.” He mumbled. “We’ll just miss you, is all.” He said as he pulled his coat on.

Knox responded with something unintelligible.

“Okay, I’m headed home now. I’ll be by tomorrow at 6:00. I’d like to get on the road before the traffic starts to pick up.”

“I’ll be ready.”

“And try and shake off that hangover before I get here.” His father chuckled as he let himself out.

Knox waved his hand in his father’s direction but decided the cool granite of the countertop was the most wonderful feeling in the world and that lifting his head off of it would probably be a terrible idea. He wasn’t sure how long he was there or even if he may have dozed off, but by the time he opened his eyes again, the sky had darkened. A quick check of his phone revealed it was almost eight o’clock.

He moved slowly and stiffly into the bathroom where he ran the shower hot before climbing in. Drinking almost the entire bottle of gin had been a terrible idea, but at least he’d forgotten about Maddie at some point during the night. Now, he let the pulsing water wash over him as he contemplated the coming weeks and all that they’d entail.

He wasn’t terrified, exactly, but he was nervous. He reminded himself over and over again that he wasn’t really blind—at least not completely. This was just a way to make his life easier. Knox had read extensively about what he’d be doing the next six months and if he were being honest with himself, he needed that kind of help. Organizing his home, tagging his clothes, learning basic braille, cooking, help with adaptive technology and orientation and mobility. Despite what he told his father, he tried to think of it as taking classes at the local community college.

He turned off the shower and climbed out. He knew the lights in the bathroom were bright, but his poor excuse for vision was keeping the room hidden in shadow. Knox stepped to the sink and swiped a hand through the moisture on the mirror, but it did little to improve the view of his own face. In his darkest moments, he wondered if he’d lose it all—and if he did, would there be anything left?

“Knox? You have a visitor.” Knox looked up and into the doorway of his room. Mike, his roommate, stood to the side so that Knox could see the unmistakable bright halo of hair belonging to his sister.

“Kay? What the heck are you doing here?” He went to her immediately and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame.

“Well, you didn’t want to come home for Christmas. I missed you, you big jerk.” She said when he put her back down on her feet.

“Sorry. It just didn’t seem worth the trouble.”

Kayla arched up one perfect eyebrow. “Yeah, you’re such a pain in the ass.”

He laughed. “C’mon, let’s get out of here and go grab some coffee.” He said as he pulled her back through the apartment he shared with three other students.

Kayla followed down the stairwell and out the door. Once outside, she bundled her long coat against the harsh January weather. “Where to?”

“It’s just around the corner.”

“Okay.”

She watched as Knox reached out his gloved hand and put in on her elbow and then curled his fingers around her upper arm. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“It’s called a sighted lead.”

“Oh.”

“Just walk normally. I can feel it if there’s a change in terrain.”

Kayla began walking but felt herself holding her breath. She couldn’t tell if Knox was actually relying on her for guidance or just practicing, but either way she felt the heavy responsibility of keeping him safe. They’d kept in touch by phone and email, but he’d been a little vague whenever she’d pressed him for details about what he was learning or how he was doing. Finally, she’d had enough of him blowing her off and had grabbed a flight to Littleton to see for herself. He was her brother, after all, and she was not about to let him build a wall around himself that kept her out.

“Here’s the coffee shop.” She said as she stopped in front of the glass doors. Knox released her arm and stepped ahead of her to open the door. She walked through ahead of him and into a charming shop filled with the heavenly scent of coffee and freshly baked pastries.

“Knox!” A gray-haired grandmother-type announced from behind the counter.

“Hi Marge.”

“Your favorite table’s open. I’ll be there in a jiff.”

“Thanks.”

Knox moved confidently to a little two-top table in the back corner. He sat down and peeled off his outer parka and hat. Kayla slid into the seat opposite him and did the same.

“I guess you’re a regular here.”

Knox grunted. “All the students from the center come here. Marge has more blind customers than sighted ones.”

Just as Kayla was about to respond, Marge appeared with a steaming cup of coffee for Knox and a menu for Kayla.

“Here’s your dark roast, kiddo. Pastry of the day is a blueberry scone.”

Knox smiled. “Sounds good.”

“I’ll have that too. And a cup of tea.”

“You got it sweetie.” Marge smiled and then took a long look at Kayla. “Sister, right?”

“Yes.” Kayla smiled in return.

“I knew it. I’ll get your order.”

“Thanks, Marge.”

As the woman walked away, Kayla said, “I think she’s taken a special shine to you, Knox.”

“Knock it off.” He laughed as he added milk to his coffee. He touched the napkin on the table and located the spoon to stir the milk. Kayla found herself watching him intently.

“You’re staring.”

Her eyes shot up and met his laughing ones. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“How are you?” Her voice turning serious. “How’s your vision?”

Knox felt his back go up immediately, but then reminded himself this was Kayla. She wasn’t being nosey or judging him. He sat back and took a long sip of his coffee.

“Honestly, we spend so much time wearing sleep-shades that it’s hard to tell sometimes if my eyesight is better or worse.”

“Sleep shades?”

“Blindfolds.”

“Oh.”

“It helps teach us not to rely on residual vision.”

“When do you go back to the doctor?”

“They have ophthalmologists here.”

“Oh. I guess that makes sense. Have you seen a doctor here?”

“Yeah.”

Kayla didn’t have to ask anything further. The tone in his voice said it all.

“It’s a little worse than last time.”

She reached out and covered his hand. “I’m sorry.”

Knox nodded and looked out the window at the blurry figures of people rushing by. “How are things with you?”

Kayla looked up and saw Marge coming with her tea and the scones. She took a moment to gather her thoughts while Marge was delivering their food.

“Ted moved out.”

“Shit.”

“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to pretend it’s a marriage if it isn’t.”

“You okay?”

“No.” She smiles sadly.

“He’s a dick.” Knox says as he scarfed down his scone in two bites. She marveled at his metabolism as she carefully broke off a tiny corner of her scone and nibbled on it.

“We are agreed on that point.”

“So, what else is new?” He asks as he finishes his coffee.

“Like?” She wondered if he’d ask her about Madeline.

Knox puts down his mug and crosses his arms over his chest. “Have you heard from her?”

“Only to discuss the sale of the house. She sounds terrible, by the way.”

Knox nods. “I just wish—“he stopped, unsure of what he was planning to say. There were so many things he wished could be different.

“I hope she’s okay.” Kayla says softly.

“So, she never came back to Touchstone for the closing?”

“No. I handled it for her.”

“What a mess. I can’t believe she got sucked back in.”

“Knox—“

“What? She knew what she was signing up for by staying. She got out once. She should’ve—“

“Her mother died. Her father’s messing with her head.”

Knox looked down. “I know.”

“Have you heard from her?” Kayla asked as she sipped her tea.

“She called back when I first came here.”

“What? When? What did she say? Is she coming back? How is she?”

Knox put up his hand to slow her down. “We didn’t get into any of that.”

“What did you talk about?”

Knox dropped his head again, unable to meet her intense gaze. “We just needed to say a few final things, I guess.”

“Final? So that’s it? You’re just done?” She asks, incredulous.

“Yeah, Kay. People break up.”

“I know.” She said, admonished. “I just thought…I don’t know…I thought you two would work it out.”

“Well, there’s no point in working anything out right now. I’m here, and she’s in New York.”

Kayla looked up at him with her intense stare. “Is that the only reason?”

“Isn’t that enough? She’s on the other side of the country with no intention of moving back.”

“I think it was just an excuse—an excuse for you to push her away.”

Knox reached into his wallet to pull out his money. “Drop it.”

“She made it easy for you, didn’t she? She gave you an out.”

“Is it really so difficult to understand that I can’t handle a relationship right now?” He hissed at her as he stood up.

Kayla stood up too and led the way back outside the café. He once again took her arm at the elbow.

“Aren’t you supposed to have a cane or something?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“What are you…the cane police?” he jabbed back at her.

“You’re a fool, Knox. She doesn’t care about any of this.” She gestured widely. “She would’ve waited for you while you were here. She would’ve supported you after—“

“Maybe I’m not looking for
support
.” He scoffed at the offensive word. “I don’t want a relationship like that.”

Kayla stopped dead. “Why not? That’s what most people dream about.”

“Really? They dream about this?” He gestured to his eyes.

Kayla opened her mouth to speak, but Knox cut her off.

“Let’s just go back. I have work to do.”

“Work?”

“Yeah. I have to practice braille so that I can still match my clothes when the lights officially go out.”

“Knox…” She retorted, frustrated with him.

“What, Kayla?” He snapped back at her.

Kayla waited, saying nothing and then began moving forward again. She knew her brother well enough to know that if she tried to push him now he’d only dig in harder.

xXx

Knox paced his small room, cursing himself for being so rude to Kayla. She didn’t deserve his attitude. She’d come to lend her support and he’d practically bitten off her head. Well, she’d pushed his buttons and she’d damn well known it, too.

Despite his firm protests to the contrary, he knew he wasn’t really ‘done’ with Madeline Roberts. If he were being honest with himself, he hadn’t stopped thinking about her the entire time he’d been away. He knew it was only fear that kept him from reaching out to her and he suspected Kayla was dead-on accurate in her assessment that he’d pushed her away to avoid revealing this new and hideous side of his life to her. He reached out to his desk and touched the folded white cane that sat there sedately; waiting to be called to duty. He’s used it plenty of times here at the Institute and had to admit it gave him a certain sense of security, but still, it represented a new reality for him and for anyone that dared to have a relationship with him.

Despite his firm convictions to the contrary, Kayla’s words had managed to wiggle their way inside his brain. Maybe, just maybe he’d been acting like a caveman. Maybe she really didn’t care about all this. Before he could overthink it, he picked up his new iPhone with voice recognition technology and told it to dial Maddie’s number. He held his breath; listening to the phone ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Maddie.”

Her hand shook as she gripped the phone. “Knox.”

“I just wanted to say hi. See how you are…”

“I’m fine.” She answered automatically.

“Okay.” He responded; disappointed. He’d hoped they could reconnect, at least a little.

She knew from his voice she’d said the wrong thing. “I don’t want to bore you with my stuff, Knox. You have enough on your plate right now.”

“Right.” He felt his spine stiffening. She’d closed the protective walls around her. Well, he had no one to blame but himself. He’d shut her out when she’d flown out just to be with him when she’d heard about his eyes.

“How are you? Are you…what are you…” she faltered.

“I’m fine. Learning lots of new tricks.” He answered, trying for levity but worried that he’d failed.

“Knox, I—I’m sorry. About how we left things—“

“Me too.”

“How much longer will you be at the institute…I mean, when will you be back home?”

“A couple more weeks. Should be done by April.”

“Springtime.” She said wistfully, thinking of the wildflowers blooming around the lake in the center of Touchstone.

“Yeah.” Knox cleared his throat. He’d never been good with words and this time was no exception. He had so much he wanted to convey, but couldn’t seem to get the words out.

“How’s the family?” She offered, hoping a neutral subject would help keep the tears at bay.

“Fine. Good. Everyone’s fine.” He let the words rush out.

“That’s good.”

Knox took a deep breath and went for it. “Maddie—I know we left things…unfinished. I just didn’t know how—“

She rushed to cut him off. She didn’t think she could bear hearing again that he didn’t think they should be together. “It’s okay. Really.”

That wasn’t at all what he meant, but for now, that would have to be enough. “I’m glad you’re okay. No matter what, we’re still friends, right?”

Madeline squeezed her eyes tight, hoping like hell that her voice wouldn’t betray her. “Right.”

“Maddie? Take care of yourself.”

“You too. Bye Knox.”