Scarred (Lost Series Book 2) (10 page)

She was pushing me to my limits, and she didn’t even know it. Problem was, I didn’t know how I’d come out the other side.

Ethan

T
he shit with Derrick rubbed me the wrong way. Vadim was there too long, and had been too easily paid off. I knew  I could trust Pavel and Sasha. That’s why I brought Pavel with me and left Sasha behind to keep the tight ship running. Still, the bastard got way too close to River, and by extension, me.

She dozed, tucked next to me in bed. I hated this fucking house, and that made me want to rip Derrick’s head off with my bare hands and play in his blood. When I’d come to America I purchased a house to get on my feet with the money the Brotherhood had paid me from the murders I’d committed in jail. A shitty, dilapidated house that served its purpose of being a roof over my head and leaving quite a bit of cash for me to purchase what I really wanted.

My gym.

This house represented everything I wasn’t anymore. Why? Because tucked inside of it were letters, memorabilia, and the smell of my past. Why didn’t I get rid of it all? Because it was here as a reminder of all I lost, and how dark things could get if I started believing in happy endings.

Even River. As much as I wanted her to be mine, claimed, and controlled, I knew that one day I’d destroy her too. She didn’t have to fear any man in the world because I would incinerate anyone who came close—except me. I knew thinking that I wouldn’t end her life one day, because she tried to run one too many times, or she fought me too hard, was stupid. I wasn’t a man with any bit of softness or understanding.

But, fuck me, I wanted to try. I think that was what messed me up the most. For her, seeing her cry, seeing her break under my hand, both excited the shit out of me and made me taste shame so foul I wished I could spit out my soul.

My wife should never have to worry about me hurting her, suffocating her with my presence, or breaking her. But River did. I knew she understood that. I could see it every time I made her fear me. She knew her death was just around the corner.

I was so fucking sick.

And those feelings only made dealing with Derrick and this house worse. Derrick’s money was dangerous, but not enough to get close to me. Someone helped him. Someone with some clout. Coming here solved a few problems. It was easier to defend, because no one knew about it, absolutely no one but Pavel and I, and that meant I was safe. If Pavel betrayed me, even my greatest skill may not save me.

Secondly, I was closer to some very important contacts. The seat of the Western Council of captains was a mere fifteen miles from my location. One of them betrayed the code for money. We may have no care, no love for human life, but we had rules between us, and they were followed strictly. I was going to take the head of whoever helped Derrick get to me. In case of fallout, River was going to be somewhere safe, and Pavel knew what he was supposed to do if things didn’t go as planned.

That didn’t ease my mind though. Plan or not, River fucked with my head. This place around me played with my senses, and that put me in a dangerous, very dangerous, place. So I pulled away from River and got my ass out of bed. It was late enough that I’d piss a few people off by waking them up too, but anger made people sloppy. Sloppy meant they could let something slip. The sooner I found out who the fuck I was dealing with the better.

Pavel rubbed his eyes as I came down the stairs. He was sitting at the base, in a chair, facing the door with a gun in his hand.

“Hunting is slow this evening, my friend,” I said to him formally in Russian. “Take a rest.”

“It was on my watch. That whore touched your woman while I was there. I missed it. I will not fail again.”

“He was bratok, it would not have done good to think he’d screw us, Pavel. We both missed it.”

“And it nearly cost you the girl.”

“Yeah? And you helped me save her getting to me on time. I never asked, how did you figure it out?”

“Derrick Reese spent a short stint of time in a jail in general population about four years ago, before his worthless father could get him out. It was around the time Vadim took that burglary rap for Viktor, you remember?”

“Yeah. You made that connection?”

“Vadim’s eyes followed your woman too much when you weren’t looking, and he was too eager to take over guarding her in the last week. It made me look into who was in the cell with Derrick. Didn’t take long to get a roster. The rest? Well, I can’t give you all my tricks, da?”

“You did good, avtoritet. It’s the best you could have.”

I wasn’t used to calming my men, but Pavel, he was like a father. Deadly, rough, and wily, but the best man I’d ever known. He’d saved my ass more times than I could count in prison. I made sure he got out soon after me, and he hadn’t had to want for a fucking thing. That sort of loyalty couldn’t be bought, and I made sure Pavel knew he was appreciated.

“What are you out of your bed for this late?”

“Something is bothering me about Vadim.”

“You think one of the bratok helped him? One of the heads of other families?”

“It’s possible. They don’t always like how I’ve taken over, not being of the motherland. I’m good enough to use to kill, not always good enough to be true bratva.”

“In the old world you never would have gotten your marks. Maybe a few, like your skulls for murder, or tiger for enforcer, but never the stars. The new world, though, is about money, and that means we have to diversify. There are some clinging to the past, but they will die off soon enough. Either by natural causes, or by one of their own.”

“But before that death, who would like to see me in the ground? Turning my men against me for something as simple as a woman, and choosing one so close to me was a message.”

Pavel nodded. “You are weak, and even those close to you don’t respect you. They do not know Pantera very well. Vadim, I vouched for, and if you want my blood to pay, then so be it.”

“I got my pound of flesh from him, and you brought him to me. The debt is paid. But if you fail again, Pavel, I will give you a traitor's funeral.”

It was necessary, even if I hated making that promise. If Pavel vouched for another man who wasn’t worthy, I’d have no choice but to kill him and hang him, tongue pulled through a gash in his throat, and body stripped of all his tattoos, so others may see I was never to be failed.

It would not come to that, but Pavel was old school, and he knew I would do it. That was enough to assuage his guilt. He nodded and closed his eyes.

“Accepted, vor. Accepted.”

“To the problem at hand, though. Get a conference called. I want to speak to the other vors as soon as possible. For every day I wait, I kill one of theirs.”

“You incite war if you do.”

“No, one of them did, when they joined that shit to hurt River. The rest is fucking acceptable collateral damage. They will turn over whoever they have to.”

Pavel didn’t argue with me further. Instead he got on his phone and made a few calls. While he did I walked out the front door. The salt on the air was sweet on my tongue. Even my fucking taste buds were crooked as shit. Dammit, I never should have walked my ass into that hospital when River had been hurt.

Never should have acknowledged that drop in my stomach when I saw the news with the unknown woman attacked in her hotel room viciously. I knew it had been her, and I’d felt… Guilty.

And the guilt had been so foreign that I planned on killing her in that hospital, right under the nose of the cop watching her door. That was until I saw the tears in her eyes. The relief that I was there. I’d been a monster so long I didn’t know what it felt like for someone to need me, just me, so bad anymore. I didn’t know seeing that look in her would make me feel more man than beast. And so, instead of ending her life, I saved it.

I owned her life. It belonged to me.

And I would make sure it stayed like that.

“Vor, they say the meeting can take place in three days.”

I closed my eyes and made the decision that would start things going downhill. River would understand, in so many ways, that she married a man that couldn’t know love because I only could understand pain.

And she could never get away.

“Tell them that they have a day. I expect to have a meeting place by tomorrow night, or I make good on my threat. Keep an eye on River. If she tries to leave the house, you put her in lockup if you have to. It won’t be safe enough to leave these grounds once I start.”

“Where are you going now?”

“To get things set up in case they don’t call.”

“She won’t understand all of this. She isn’t a wife brought up with the family.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Sometimes it is better to catch bees with honey, than vinegar.”

“The saying goes it’s
easier
to catch bees with honey, Pavel.”

“You understand my meaning.”

“And you know why it won’t matter. Her life is protected, because it’s tied to mine. That is all.”

“And you don’t care for this woman? Even a little?”

“I can’t, Pavel.”

“Pantera, I have seen you do many things. All of them destructive. Filled with anger and cold hard revenge. But no one can hate so much if they hadn’t loved as deeply.”

“What love existed for me is long gone, Pavel.”

“I will pass your message to the others.”

That was Pavel, never asking questions about my methods, never pressing to see how I planned to move forward. And the fucking shit worked every time. It left me wondering, left me thinking. But loving River? It was impossible. She wouldn’t survive my type of love. The jealously, the anger, the rage.

She’d burn up in the fire. No, what I had to keep was the cold helplessness that didn’t believe I deserved to live, so it didn’t matter if I died. And because I didn’t care if I died, I fought harder, nastier, dirtier. Falling in love would mean I cared, would mean I had to face so many emotions buried deep enough that they could destroy me.

“Give her a knife, Pavel. She’s small, and they will underestimate her. If she ever has to fight without me, I want her to be prepared.”

“I will.”

No, I couldn’t love River. But while she belonged to me, for however long that was, she’d have the darkness she always wanted. Have the protection, danger, and that knife edge pressed to her throat that made her heart pound.

Because any more than that, I couldn’t handle.

Me, the monster, the thing that lived in the dark, was afraid of a woman.

Fuck.

Married for only a few days, and I was all alone. Trapped. I couldn’t go anywhere, ask anything. I was starting to wonder if I should have let Derrick break my fucking neck.

River

I
woke up alone. I hadn’t expected Ethan to stay with me, he wasn’t that sort of man. That didn’t meant part of me wasn’t saddened he hadn’t at least attempted to stay with me. It was our damn wedding night, no matter how much of a farce it was. I crawled out of bed and hissed at the cool hardwood floors under my feet.

“Freezing,” I complained. “I probably should talk to myself. I’d have more fun than talking to Ethan.”

“Probably would.”

I spun around at Pavel’s voice. He came further into the room, holding a tray with a plate full of eggs, bacon, grits, and toast. Couldn’t exactly complain about that part. Him barging into the room though? That was open game.

“Why does everyone in your group just come into a room like you own it?”

“Maybe because we do?”

“I’m Ethan’s wife, shouldn’t that mean I own some of it?”

“Not when you’re a wife in name only.”

So it was true, that didn’t mean I didn’t fucking seethe hearing it. “I didn’t beg to marry him. He chose to marry me, so don’t sit there and act like I don’t mean shit.”

“River, you mean as much as you think, and how much you can prove,” he said as he put the tray down on the end of the bed.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means exactly what I said. You aren’t stupid. You know Ethan isn’t just some thug running around.”

“I read somewhere he had ties to the Russian mafia.”

“That is just the tip of the iceberg, and you may never know all of it. But we respect strength and power. Action. Ethan has proven that, and continues to.”

“Why are you telling me any of this?”

“Because you are the wife of a vor, and should understand it. What you do reflects on him, and can bring him harm. You wanted his protection, and you got it. Then you ran away like a child when things got too hard. That isn’t a vor wife. That isn’t strength. Hell, that’s not even a woman trying to be a killer. That’s a woman playing at things she doesn’t know anything about.”

I balled my first, anger rushing through my veins. “You know what? Fuck you. I’ve been begging Ethan to teach me to kill, and all he’s done is fuck me or play games. Neither helps what I’m trying to do. I want my revenge on Derrick, that’s it.”

“No, what you want is to be controlled. What you really need is a firm hand, but your weakness will fucking hurt that man. He’s doing all of this shit for you.”

“Doing what? He doesn’t tell me anything. All he said was we were coming here so he could plan how to get to Derrick. But he won’t let me know anything else.”

“And why should he? Do you even attempt to figure anything out on your own? Think!”

I was too angry to think. It wasn’t my fault Ethan didn’t let me into his world. It wasn’t my fault I hadn’t been able to get free and get to Derrick. And then I realized that maybe I sounded a bit like a fucking petulant child who didn’t get her way. The thought deflated me. I sat down on the bed heavily, my mind buzzing.

Yes, it was true that I liked what Ethan did to me. It set me off, started my engine, and blew my fucking head up, but I hated that he didn’t care when he was finished. Nothing could change the fact that as much as I loved his darkness, I wished that he had a bit of softness to make me feel better.

It was true that I wanted to kill Derrick, that wasn’t a lie. But I also knew my plan to get to him hadn’t been well thought out, and I wouldn’t have succeeded. The bastard deserved to die, but maybe I had been too single-minded on the how, without acknowledging what may have been the better course of action.

And Pavel stood before me, disappointment on his face, and I was ashamed. Shit. I went about so much of this wrong because I didn’t have my own strength. I didn’t understand what needed to be done, and I just bulldozed my way through a world I didn’t really understand. Ethan shielded me from most of it, but he couldn’t keep doing it, and not open himself up to danger. Like Vadim.

Shit.

Vadim had been flipped because of me. Derrick had no qualms about collateral damage, and Vadim had been worth getting me. But Ethan took a hit, one of his most trusted men, turning against him. But how had Derrick been able to get to him. How had he known that much about Ethan? No matter how much money he had, Derrick didn’t run in high organized crime circles. If he had, I would have been captured a long time ago.

That meant Derrick had help. Someone close to Ethan, or understood their world.

“Who betrayed him?” I asked then, finally finding my voice.

“Now the student is ready to learn,” Pavel said.

“Was this another lesson?”

“I’m always your teacher, River. Fighting is only so much. You have to change your mindset, the way you see our world. You have to understand it.”

“Because he married me.”

“Because you love him.”

I shook my head, but the words wouldn’t come out to deny him. It didn’t matter, I wasn’t ready to admit to that, even if it were true. Ethan and I had way too far to go, too much to learn about each other, and how we could be together before I could deal with that.

“For now, let’s leave it at 'because I’m his wife.'”

“If that is what you want. A bratva wife is expected to be brave, strong, and sometimes, just as deadly as her spouse. There should be no man but her husband, that she is willing to bow down to.”

Was that who I was now? A bratva wife? A woman who was to follow her husband’s command? Did I have a choice to be anything else? Hell, did I want to be?

“Where is Ethan?”

“Working. If everything goes well, he will be back soon.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

He didn’t answer me. Instead he left me in the bedroom with my breakfast and thoughts.

Great.

* * *

I was waiting on the front porch, enjoying the waning sunlight and cool breeze, when Ethan finally drove up. He brought me to a beautiful place. The Colonial style home was painted white and black and surrounded by grapevines. I had a feeling it was a vineyard, one that helped Ethan make legitimate money, like the gym. But I wasn’t sure. It was part of the reason I was waiting for him outside. I needed to know more, to not be so blind.

That and I missed him.

It was odd. We didn’t spend much time just speaking, but the night before we had, in our own way, and it was different. I thought that if we had more of that, with no lies between us, things would be so much easier.

At least I hoped so.

He walked up the drive slowly, looking right at me. It touched me in a different way, these few minutes when I was just a woman waiting to talk to her man, and he was looking at me with knowing eyes. A normal man, understanding that this was that talk time.

We were anything but normal.

“What is it, River?”

“If I ask you some questions, will you tell me the truth?”

“I don’t know.”

“At least that was honest.”

He sighed before tucking his keys in his pocket and sitting down next to me on the porch.

“It depends on what you ask me, River. Some things I can’t tell you.”

“I need to understand how my actions affect you, and how I’m expected to act.”

“You act as I tell you, and do what I say. It’s that simple,” he said, staring at me.

I rolled my eyes. “I meant as a bratva wife.”

His eyes narrowed. “You’ve been talking to Pavel.”

“I just want to know what’s going on, Ethan. Keeping me in the dark only makes me lash out. I push so hard because you don’t give.”

“Why should I give? You don’t understand what’s going on around you. You don’t realize you don’t have it in you to kill Derrick, not really, and you can’t fight this battle. Telling you anything won’t make sense to you.”

“I know I’ve been difficult, but you haven’t been a walk in the park either! Look, we both are set in our ways, and I see that, but that doesn’t mean we can’t come to some sort of arrangement.”

“We tried that, it didn’t work.”

“That’s because you didn’t keep up your end of the bargain.”

“River, I don’t have time for this. It’s been a long day, and I’m waiting for some important calls. Let’s go to bed. I need relief.”

He got to his feet, assuming I’d follow him, but I stayed put. I tried to keep a lid on my anger, but it seethed. I was trying. Hell, I didn’t want to, but I was, because I was stuck here no matter what. I knew this, but I wanted things to go better.

“Ethan, you never give me a choice.”

He turned on his heels. “Not this shit again.”

I jumped to my feet. “No, you listen. I’m sick of being ordered around like some fucking dog. I don’t give a damn how much I like how you fuck me. I don’t even care that I like that you are such an asshole to me sometimes. I know I’m messed up in the head, and maybe that’s the only way we could ever work. But at least
try
to see things my way.”

“What is it you want me to do, River? See you like an equal? Treat you like some pampered woman I can coddle?”

“Maybe. What the fuck is wrong with that?”

“You haven’t earned it. You want my respect or that of the others, you fucking earn it. My world is all about what you claim for yourself, and as long as you haven’t done a fucking thing but open your legs, there isn’t much more that I can give you.”

It pissed me off. I wanted to claw at his fucking face and tear his skin off his back. Earn it? I deserved respect because I was a human being. I didn’t have to cower and scrape just to get by. But I looked in his face, and saw the truth. He believed it. That was the only thing he understood after the hell he’d been through. He didn’t trust anything that was handed to him. He believed in himself because he created his own image. He was the man he was because he did the work.

I felt broken. It was impossible to get back the woman I was before. After Ethan and Derrick, I just couldn’t. And I didn't know if I even wanted to. All smiles and golden skies didn’t please me. I wouldn’t trust it. I would always be looking for shit to fall apart. I would always wonder how real any of it was.

And maybe, in that way, I was more like Ethan than I ever realized before.

“Teach me,” I whispered, afraid. Afraid that Pavel was right, that I was falling in love with a monster. Afraid that Ethan was right, and I’d never earned shit in my life, and that’s why I was only given shit. Afraid he’d say no, and I wouldn’t know what it was like to have respect blazing in his eyes.

Because right now, that meant more to me than I wanted to admit.

“What?” he asked me. He stepped closer to me, bending his head towards me.

“Teach me.”

“Teach you to what, River?”

“Teach me how to earn my place.”

Because I asked him for the wrong thing when I first met him. I never should have asked him to teach me to kill Derrick Reese, because I didn’t understand what that sacrifice would do to me. I should have asked him to show me how to be stronger. To be more than some victim crying about shit. I should have asked him to make me a woman worthy of being his.

Because that’s what I was asking him now.

“Teach me how to be yours.”

When he closed his eyes and pulled me into his arms, I felt small. So small, falling in a gaping abyss. I’d either crash on the ground or I’d learn how to fly. One painful claw at a time, I’d learn how to be stronger.

“Come to bed, River.”