Scarred (Lost Series Book 2) (9 page)

Ethan

T
he sound of the buzzing needle was nearly drowned out by screams and whimpers. I could ignore them all, I was so pissed. Vadim had been part of my crew for nearly three years.
Three fucking years
, and had come with high recommendations. Whenever I needed someone to clean up a mess, to keep my gym protected, or follow orders, he was the one I delegated to.

And now I didn’t give a shit about his screams as I watched my tattoo artist work on River. She had the fucking nerve to try to escape me. To go back on her word. It didn’t matter I made the decision to kill Derrick myself. She wasn’t ready, and it was that simple. Going after him would have only gotten her killed, and I was trying to save her damn life. Think she gave a damn? No. And now she was strapped down to a table while my stamp was permanently placed on her body.

On the outside of her right thigh a panther crawled down her leg, his tail curling around the slope of her ass cheek. Next to it my name, Pantera, in my cant, would go. Most people looking at it wouldn’t recognized the language but I would, my people would, and those like us. One look and they would know she was off limits. That to touch her was to fucking die.

“Pantera,” she cried. Her eyes were squeezed shut, trying to block out the pain. I chose a less painful location, but the beast was big and black. A few hours passed and her endorphins were starting to fail her. I didn’t care.

And she kept calling me Pantera.

I hated it. Hearing that name from her mouth when she refused since the beginning to use it pissed me off. It was irrational, but it was there all the same. To her I was Ethan, and that was what I had come to expect. Now she tried to put distance between us by using my prison name.

It wouldn’t matter. If I had to chain her in my fucking basement butt naked then it was exactly what I would do. She’d learn there was no one who could save her from me and trying to get back into my good graces was the only way she’d ever be happy.

“Please.”

“You left me!” I roared. She left me. I couldn’t explain it, couldn’t even understand why it bothered me so much. I barely knew her, despite the time that had passed since she came into my life.  But I couldn’t stomach her not being there. I couldn’t deal with the fact that she thought to leave me. To go back to that fucker!

“You didn’t give me a choice. It’s always the way you want it. Always your way. There’s no softness in you.”

“You don’t want me because I’m soft, River.”

“It doesn’t mean you have to be a fucking tyrant! I’m a person. I have feelings, needs, wants. Hell, I had dreams once. I was going to be an artist. I was going to do so much. And then Derrick took it from me. All I wanted was to get my revenge. To finally feel safe.”

“Safe doesn’t exist. I thought I taught you that already. That’s why Vadim is enjoying having his fucking skin flayed right now. Because he was never safe. One chance with me. That’s all he got, and he failed.”

Her eyes opened wide as she stared at me, barely breathing. The tattoo artist wiped away ink and blood from her hip before pressing the needle down again. She winced but she didn’t look away from me.

“What is wrong with you? He was only trying to help me escape.”

“No, River. He was going to help you get to Derrick, and then he was going to help Derrick get rid of you, after a while. He was interested in the bank roll he was going to get from the job. He never gave a shit about you getting away from me. He knew he couldn’t hurt you where I could reach him. He just misjudged my reach.”

I watched as the truth washed over her. It was why I chose such a gruesome death for Vadim. He betrayed me, but, worse than that, he thought he could hurt what belonged to me. Pavel had been able to find out much more about Derrick Reese in a short time than what was expected. Derrick was sloppy, used to his money paving the way, and River’s fear to keep her quiet. He hadn’t been prepared for my network. And that was what had destined Vadim with a date with Sasha’s blade.

Sasha could use his hands for healing just as well as he could to kill. And he could keep Vadim awake and conscious until the last minute while he did it.

But me? I wanted to hear his screams, feel somehow mollified that I almost hadn’t made it to saving her. Fifteen minutes. If I had found out the information fifteen minutes later, I wouldn’t have been able to get to my gym fast enough to waylay them. Derrick, the little prick, had got away, leaving his paid muscle behind to meet my gun.

I’d get him later. I’d make sure of it. Derrick made an enemy he never wanted to awaken. But first, I had to make sure that, no matter what, River was protected. She wasn’t going to like my solution, but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted her in every way. I wanted her giving into our passion, riding it out as I spanked her and wrapped my fingers around her throat.

I wanted her to rely on me and give me every part of her.

Her attempt to run from me only drove my obsession with her to a feverish pitch. I wanted her to be so lost in me she never thought of leaving. That meant I wanted her heart, in brittle pieces if need be, but I wanted it. I’d make sure she never thought about leaving me again.

I don’t know where it came from, but there it was. While I planned a trap for Derrick Reese, and anyone who he was connected to, I’d tie River to me irrevocably. And that meant she needed to sign a few pieces of paper. I nodded to Pavel and he stepped forward with a pen and the paperwork.

There was one way that I could make sure whatever she saw with me couldn’t be subpoenaed out of her. One way I could make her mine in a way that she wouldn’t be able to break.

I’d kill her first.

“Sign it. You can move your hand enough.”

“What is this? Pantera, let me go. Please. This was all a mistake. Just let me go. I won’t tell anyone about you or what you’ve done.”

“You’re right, because the court won’t be able to make you.”

She frowned, shaking her head. I lifted one hand, stopping the tattooist from working. She’d feel the burn soon from the fresh work as her blood pumped under it so I worked quickly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Sign the papers, River, or you won’t like my retribution.”

She looked at the papers, trying to read it, but Pavel shifted so he could grab her left hand and put the pen in it. He held her fingers around the stem as he lifted it to the paper. As I watched her face, she lifted her shaking hand and read the words on the top of the paper.

“No.” It was barely a gasp, but I heard it.

“You don’t have a choice. There’s a wonderful thing in California, you know. It states that if you’ve been living together, as husband and wife, you can apply for a confidential marriage license. It was rather easy to prove, considering I paid all of your medical bills as your husband and have since provided care for you. Add a few clerks on the payroll and the paperwork was easy.”

“No, no, no, no.”

“River, I’m not going to ask again. I didn’t ask in the first place. Sign the fucking paper.”

“Why can’t you give me a choice? Just once? One fucking time, can I make a decision for myself?”

“No, because you don’t belong to yourself anymore.”  I ran my hand up her leg and stopped right under the tattoo that bore my mark. “You belong to me.”

“Pantera, please.”

Maybe if she had called me Ethan. Maybe if she was crying as she whispered my name, with those big beautiful eyes, and had never run. I mightn’t have forced her. But I couldn’t promise it. Right now, with Pantera on her tongue, and a no in her mind, I couldn’t give in. It wasn’t in my nature to listen when I was told no. Instead, I trailed my fingers up higher, closer to her tattoo, just brushing the sensitive skin. She sucked in a breath and cried harder. As I lifted my hand high in the air, over her tattoo, she signed that paper.

Then she threw the pen at my face.

It poked me in the cheek, the force enough to prick the skin, but not enough to hurt. In retaliation, I smacked her fresh tattoo and then pulled the straps around her hands so she couldn’t move anymore. The tattooist hissed but resumed his work on her when I glared at him.

I wasn’t a soft man, and I never would be.

But I couldn’t completely ignore her tears. She cried as if her soul was breaking. Deep inside, in the place I try to lock away, I felt a feeling I had never sensed before. Regret. I sat down hard in the seat as Pavel left with the precious paperwork that would make River Hoyt into River Kendall.

And I regretted striking, in anger, the woman who would be my wife.

It was the first time I could ever regret having done something since going to prison. It was an alien emotion that twisted and grew inside of me until her cries made my chest clench. I didn’t regret having a man flayed alive. I didn’t regret having killed that piece of shit goon that hadn’t been able to get away with Derrick. I didn’t care I did so much dirt in my life I would never be clean.

But I was ashamed I had struck her.

My hands felt foreign, as if they didn’t belong to me. I watched as they reached for the ties around her waist, knees, and hands that held her to the table, and released them. Shock filtered through me as one hand pushed under her head and my fingers sank into the coolness of her hair. For the first time in years, I used my hands to soothe, rubbing her scalp with my fingertips. The other hand braced her hip so she could lean against me. I leaned forward and kissed the ravaged skin I struck, knowing the artist would move out of my way.

And then I sat back, ink and her blood staining my lips. Before I could stop it, I spoke.

“Stay still, baby. I won’t ever touch you in anger again.”

And I knew I meant it.

This woman, a slip of a girl who stormed into my gym nearly a year before, was now the safest person on earth. She would never feel the blaze of my anger, because I gave her my word. Oh, I’d still control her, still mandate everything she ever did in her life. But this moment, of her fearing me striking out at her, would never come again.

I gained a wife... And lost my mind.

River Kendall. That was my name, and I tried, with everything inside of me, to hate the man who gave it to me.

River

Two Weeks Later

I
was getting married today.

I was probably the worst bride in existence. How exactly was I supposed to be excited, surrounded by armed guards and Pavel standing waiting to marry me to Pantera? I hated that in California anyone could attend a Deputy for a Day class. Ethan thought of everything. Today wasn’t about happiness, love, or the start of a new beginning.

No, it was about control, lust, and darkness. Two souls that should have repelled each other, bound by obsession, need, and the shared passion for pain. And still, my heart pounded in my chest. I knew this was all wrong, and I couldn’t lift my head to look at Ethan’s face as I walked up his foyer towards the backyard where we were going to have our ceremony.

I was fitted for an A-line white silk dress with matching pumps. My hair was left wild and curly, at Ethan’s request, and my face bare of any makeup. And my bouquet? A mixture of white lilies and black roses. It was beautiful, and so much us.

We were damaged souls that had once been so pure. And now we preferred the darkness, the razor’s edge. Somehow now, Derrick seemed so far away, and I changed so much. I found a man that could give me what I wanted, what I needed, even as I fought him at every turn. In return, he found the perfect woman to own, control, and intimidate.

What we shared wasn’t soft enough to be love and it never would be, but it set my body on fire, and made my mind race. He kept his word and for two weeks when he was angry, he walked away. He slammed things, he punched mitts down in the gym, or he raged to the open air. But he never hit me.

That wasn’t to say he didn’t punish me when I was bad. He did. Deliciously and repeatedly. But there was care there. A hesitation I hadn’t sensed before. And I was afraid. Afraid I would see the kindness in him as some sign that he was a real man. A person that I could fall for. That terrified me more than anything.

Because logically I understood it was impossible. And losing my heart to him would be just as bad as losing it to Derrick, if not more so. But it was true nonetheless. Now though, I wouldn’t be able to get away. I would be River Kendall, wife of Ethan “Pantera” Kendall, ex-convict, killer, and ruthless businessman. Each step closer to him felt harder to take.

How had I arrived here? How had my simple plans gotten derailed so much I couldn’t find my way back? I shouldn’t have been here, and yet I couldn’t get away. Didn’t truly want to get away.

And that’s where everything fell apart.

Along the line, through the fighting, through the fear, I was beginning to find out about myself. My pleasures, my desires, what made me fly. I excelled in captivity, and I relished the bite of punishment. It was a simple truth I had come to terms with. Ethan Kendall, though, not so much.

I still couldn’t reconcile the man who would murder so easily, who nearly killed me, as a man who I could be happy with.

“Look at me.”

He didn’t speak loudly. He didn’t have to. My eyes lifted, my gaze getting lost in his, before I could even think to stop them. That’s what his control was like. Totally. Completely. Utterly devastating. He held out his hand to me and I placed mine in it. The world disappeared as I looked into his eyes. Tonight when he took me, I would be more than a plaything. Pavel’s voice was just a buzz around us.

I spoke the words I needed to when it was time. Ethan made sure to explain to me that if I didn’t, it wouldn’t matter anyway, and I knew he was telling me the truth. At least by speaking, I could feel some sense of control, that I had been a part of this decision.

Cool air danced over my face, I could smell salt from the nearby sea and Ethan’s cologne. His face was all that mattered. The tether by which the chaos around us made sense. His hands pulled me closer to him and I sank into his strength. When he cupped my cheeks I sucked in a breath, waiting. Always waiting for him. Always needing him.

When he kissed me, my toes curled in my shoes and I finally let my eyes slide closed. He wasn’t gentle here either, angling my head back as he devoured my mouth. The strain hurt the back of my neck as he forced me to bend at an odd angle, but I held onto him tightly, trusting him to keep me on my feet. I gave in. My mouth was open, dancing against his as he conquered and traced every area inside. My tongue memorized the moist glide of his, taste buds craved his minty flavor.

And as he pulled away, I missed his mouth against mine.

“Welcome to my world, Mrs. Kendall.”

His words sent chills up my spine. His touch, his tattoo, and sex with him hadn’t made me feel more his than those six words. We were tied, bound by a bond I couldn’t hope to break.

“'Til death do us part.” His words were a promise and I acknowledged them as such.

“'Til death do us part.”

I was the wife of the boogey man.

* * *

“Where are we going?”

The tinted windows of our car blocked out most of the soft light from the outside world as we traveled up the freeway. Ethan hadn’t been forthcoming when he packed bags for both of us minutes after the ceremony was done. We stayed long enough to eat a light meal before heading out.

“Do women always have to ask questions?”

“No, but wives usually do.” He grunted and I felt a flush warm me. We seemed... Normal and it was odd and out of place.

“What is this Ethan? Is this some sort of trick?”

I don’t know what I was afraid of more, his kindness being some sort of ploy to claim me, or that it was real and I wouldn’t be able to protect my heart against him. I didn’t know. Maybe I was afraid of Ethan as a whole. He was destructive, powerful, and broken. I could see it, and I wanted to soothe his edges. But like a wounded animal I knew he would attack me for my niceness. I didn’t think Ethan knew how to let his guard down.

“What are you talking about?”

“You. Being nice. The wedding. All of it.” There, I said it. I got the words out.

“A bit late to ask now, River. You are my wife and there is nothing funny about that. It won’t change, and even after death, your spirit will belong to me. It’s that simple.”

“But why?”

I hadn’t been able to understand why marrying me mattered. Why he changed after smacking my tattoo when it was first done. Overnight I got a different man that I didn’t quite understand. Nothing about us was common, and I was more used to screaming my head off at him or fighting him off. I didn’t trust the new him, I didn’t believe it could be real.

“Because I wanted to.”

“I’ve been with you long enough that you didn’t have to wait this long if this was what you wanted, Ethan. Tell me the truth.”

“I don’t owe you anything.”

“Fuck that. You married me, Ethan. That put things into a whole different light.”

“And now you think you matter to me? Is that it?”

“Don’t I?”

Ethan shook his head, and some of the uncertainty vanished. He hadn’t changed, he just changed tactics. Somewhere in my heart, a piece of it ached.

“What do you want from me? Hmm? I beat the shit out of you, you tried to run away. I treat you with decency, and you wonder if the shit is real. Make up your fucking mind. I’m still the same damn man. Tonight you’re going to fuck me until I am done with you, and then I’ll go handle business. If you are out of the bed by the time I get back, I’ll drag you back to it.”

“I was wondering when you’d make an appearance. I just wanted to know what was real. I don’t like a liar any more than you do.”

“That’s rich, River. You’ve been lying since you walked through my damn door. You didn’t want to kill Derrick. You didn’t want to be fucked up like me. No, you wanted to find the strongest man you could and have him do your dirty work. But your bullshit sensitivities made you fight it. That’s the truth. You don’t give a fuck about being married to me. In fact, you’re happy you are. You know there is nothing that cunt can do to you now. And you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I’m going to kill him for what he tried to do. Don’t fucking talk to me about a liar when you’re the biggest liar I’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know shit about me! I was useful to you, for God knows what, and you kept me around. Justifying it with some bullshit about what I wanted doesn’t change it.”

“Oh yeah? I don’t have to justify a fucking thing. Who the fuck cares I don’t know every little bit of your past? If your family mattered, or if you had any, you’d have gone to them. I know Derrick beat you and he scared you. You know I went to prison and it fucked me up. Our history is all about people that we aren’t any longer, so who cares?”

Who cared? I don’t know. It felt like I should. That something in what we were doing couldn’t be right. But in so many ways, he was right. The people we were before the tragedies of our lives didn’t matter now. They didn’t exist. But that didn’t mean we couldn’t hope to one day get back to ourselves. To find some sort of balance and be happy once again. There was nothing wrong with hoping for that. Was there? Did we even deserve happiness after some of the things we’d done?

Vadim lost his life because of me and, other than the initial reaction, I hadn’t cared anymore about what happened to him. Did that mean something was wrong with me? Was some kind of wire was crossed that made me think of death as just another matter of business? I didn’t know.

I just didn’t know anything when it came to Ethan and our life together. And now I was married to him. Bound by words I could never take back. His band, a solid gold ring behind a solitaire four carat diamond, weighed heavily on my finger. I could feel it there at all times. And what did this mean now?

“Where are we going?” I asked again. I didn’t want to talk about our previous conversation anymore, or think myself in circles. I had enough to get through tonight.

“To a safe area where I don’t have to worry about you while I plan how to get that wanker out of our lives for good.”

“How long are we going to be there?”

“For as long as it takes, River. However long it takes.”

He sat back in the seat and pulled me against him. I knew when he laid his head back and closed his eyes it was the end of the conversation. I may be the monster’s wife, but I wasn’t his friend, I wasn’t his confidant.

And at the end of the day, he could still turn around and bite me.

How had I ended up owned by a man like him?