Saved (39 page)

Oh. My. God. No!

Slowly looking to my left, I
almost jumped when I saw Jerry sleeping next to me.
No. Oh god no.
I very
carefully tried to get out of bed, and then it hit me. I was
sore...down there. When I pulled the sheets back, I saw
blood.

I got up and ran into the bathroom. I barely
made it in time to throw up. After ten minutes of getting sick
while Jerry asked if I wanted a warm washcloth, I sat back against
the wall and cried my eyes out. I lost my virginity to a guy I
wasn’t even dating…when I was drunk… and I don’t even remember
it.

I closed my eyes and pictured Josh telling me
my first time had to be special. I’d wanted my first time to be
with someone I loved. I wanted it to be with Josh. I had not wanted
to be drunk and sick the next morning with no memory of even having
had sex in the first place.

I leaned back over the toilet and started
throwing up again.

“Jesus, Heather. You’re not much of a
drinker, are you?” Jerry said with a small laugh.

Does he even know? How could he not know
that I was a virgin?

“I just need a few more minutes. I’m so
sorry.” I said.

He looked down at me with pity. “Should I
make you some eggs, babe?”

Ugh, he called me
babe.
“Sure.” It was not lost on me that I
was sitting, naked, on my damn bathroom floor. I closed my eyes and
felt the tears again.

Josh…it was supposed to be Josh.

I felt something soft land on my shoulders,
and I realized he was putting my bathrobe over me.

“Thank you.”

“Heather, if I had known ahead of time, I
would never have...”

Oh great…just great. Now,
he’s sorry for having sex with me
. I looked
up at him as I felt the tear roll down my face.

“Baby, please don’t cry. I feel like shit as
it is. I wish I could go back and change it all.”

Wow….good-looking and caring…but he’s still
not Josh.

***

After a few more minutes of
me sitting on the bathroom floor, rocking back and forth while I
tried to remember anything from last night, I got up and made my
way into the living room. Then, I remembered I was butt-ass naked,
so I started to turn back to the bedroom when my door bell rang. I
looked at the clock on the wall.
Who the
hell would be here at seven in the morning?

Pulling my robe closer to me, I tied it
tightly and opened the door. My jaw just about hit the floor when I
saw Josh standing there. He looked awful, like he hadn’t slept in
days.

“Josh? What…what are you doing here? I
thought you were with Lynda.”

Josh looked confused. “What? How did you know
I was with Lynda last night?”

“When I called you she
answered and told me you were in the shower. She said y’all were
planning on having an enjoyable evening.”
Holy shit, I spit that all out so fast
.

“Wait, what time did you call?” Josh asked,
looking confused as hell. He pulled out his phone and scrolled
through his call log.

Oh no
. I felt like I was going to throw up again. “Um, around
ten.”

“That’s weird. I saw her on my phone, and she
said it was the wrong number. The last call on my log is when I
called you.”

Oh my god. She set me
up.
“Did you sleep with her last night?” I
blurted out.
God, please say
yes.

“Heather, can I at least come in?”

“Did you sleep with her last night, Josh?” I
almost shouted.

“I almost did, but I couldn’t do that to you,
Heather. I love you. I only want to be with you.”

I felt my legs going out from under me, and
then Josh reached over and grabbed me.

“Shit, Heather.”

Josh grabbed me and started to bring me into
the living room. When I looked up, I saw Jerry standing there,
watching us. He looked confused as hell, wearing only his
boxers.

The moment Josh noticed him,
I felt it. His hold on me tightened, and he sucked in a breath of
air. He helped me to the sofa where I sat down. I looked between
Josh and Jerry.
Wow, both their names
begin with the letter J
. I shook my
head.
What the hell, Heather?
Really?

“Um, hey, I’m Jerry.”

Jerry reached out his hand out to shake
Josh’s, but Josh took a step backward. Then, Josh looked at me. I
knew the moment when he realized what had happened.

“You slept with him?” Josh whispered.

“Josh…” I tried to talk, but I lost my
voice.

Josh glared at Jerry.

Jerry glanced at me, shook his head, and then
looked back at Josh.

“Dude, I had no idea y’all were together.” He
held up his hands in defense.

When Josh looked at me again, I could see the
tears in his eyes.

Without even looking away from me, he
answered Jerry.

“We’re not together.”

Then, I lost it and started crying.

“Josh, I don’t even remember anything.” I
went to stand up and walk closer to him.

He took a step back with the strangest look
on his face.

“What?” It looked like his legs were about to
give out, and he grabbed onto a chair. “How could you do this,
Heather? I thought you were different. I didn’t sleep with Lynda
because I love. I was coming over here to tell you that I’d wait
for you forever if I had to. Then, I find out that you….”

“Josh, please no... don’t say it,” I said
between sobs. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The hurt in his eyes
was killing me.

Josh turned to Jerry. “Did you at least know
she was a virgin?”

Jerry shook his head, “Not until after. I
would never have done that if I’d known. Listen, we both got really
drunk last night, and.”

Josh held up his hand to stop Jerry from
talking.

“You wanted to push me away, Heather…well, I
think you finally did it.” Josh turned and started to walk toward
the door.

My heart was racing and my head was pounding,
but I went after him.

“Josh, please. You have to understand that I
never intended for anything like this to happen. I was upset when
Lynda said y’all were about to have a good time, and I just wanted
to forget it all. I wanted it to be you! You have to believe me! I
wanted it to be you!” I grabbed his arm.

He stopped and turned to look at me. With his
thumb, he wiped away the tears that were rolling down my face.

Josh closed his eyes for a few seconds and
then opened them. The moment I saw a tear slide down his face, I
died inside.

“You know what’s funny, Heather? You were so
worried that I was the one who wouldn’t be faithful. I would have
given up everything for you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done
to make it so damn special for you and to make you happy for the
rest of your life.”

“Oh god, please,
Josh
… please.”
I
started to shake my head.

He took a few steps away from me.

“I guess you got what you wanted, princess.
You’ve lost me for good.”

I cried harder as I reached out for him, but
he turned and walked out the door. I called out after him, but he
just kept walking. I slowly started to sink down to the floor.

“You’ve lost me for good.”

No! Oh god, he left...just like my parents
did.

I just sat there, rocking back and forth, as
I kept calling out his name over and over again. Jerry walked up
behind me and placed his hands on my arms to help me up. When I
turned around, I fell into his arms, telling him how sorry I
was.

“Come on, babe. Let’s get you dressed and put
something in your stomach. It’s going to be okay, Heather. It’s
going to be okay.”

I wanted to believe him, but I had a feeling
nothing would ever be the same.

It would never be okay because I lost
him.

The only man I would ever love-I lost
him.

CHAPTER FORTY

JEFF

I was walking up from the barn when I saw Ari
sitting on the porch.

The last three months had been hell for both
of us. Although her parents had disapproved, Ari had decided not to
go back to Austin for school this semester. Instead, She was taking
a few online classes with Ellie.

I had only talked to Rebecca once, and she
begged for forgiveness. She had called a few more times, but each
time, I’d ignored it. One more than one occasion, Ari had just
about wanted to drive to Austin just to kick her ass.

I heard the thunder rumbling in the distance,
and I smiled, remembering how much Ari loved thunder-storms.

If only I could get that Ari back...

Last night, I’d called Ellie, and I’d told
her that I thought Ari could really use a girls’ trip into Austin
today. She agreed.

As I walked closer to Ari, I
could tell she’d been crying.
Fuck.

“Hey, baby, have you been up for very long?”
I asked as I stepped up onto the porch.

She didn’t even look up at me. She was
growing more distant as the days went on. It had been three months
since she’d lost the baby, and now, she wouldn’t even let me touch
her.

I sat down next to her while it started to
rain. She put her head back on the swing and let out a sigh.

“Ari, we really need to talk, baby. I can’t
keep going on like nothing is wrong. You’re drifting further and
further away from me. I need you back.”

She lifted her head and glared at me. “Maybe
you should have thought of that before you walked out on me.”

I felt like I was going to be sick. “I don’t
know how many times I have to tell you that I’m sorry, Ari. I’m
sorry for making the biggest mistake of my life. If I could take it
back, I would. You don’t think I beat myself up every morning and
every night? If I could go back and redo it, I would. I’d do
anything to make you happy.”

She stood up and walked over to the railing.
“I want to be alone for a while.”

“No.”

She spun around and stared at me. “What?”

“I said no, Ari. I’m tired of you pushing me
away and not talking to me. I don’t even remember the last time you
let me hold you or just touch you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it with you.”

“Bullshit. You won’t talk to anyone about it,
not even your mother, Grace, or even Ellie. Everyone is so worried
about you. This has to stop, Ari. We got the go ahead last month,
baby, if you want to try for another baby….”

“No! Just please stop talking.” Ari stepped
off the porch into the rain.

“Where the hell are you going?” I said
walking after her.

“I want to be alone, Jeff. That means without
you! Please just go back to the house. I’m going to the barn.”

I followed her toward the barn.

She turned and looked at me.

“You’re such a fucking
dickwad! Why can’t you just leave me alone? I don’t want to be near
you, I don’t want you to touch me, and I don’t want you to make
love to me.
I don’t want you.
Holy hell, how many times do I have to say
it?”

It was now pouring rain, and
I was shaking from head to toe. I knew she didn’t mean what she was
saying; the counselor we had gone to had told me that this might
happen. I’d kept doing what the counselor said. I’d given Ari the
space and time she’d needed, but now, I was done with this
bullshit. I wanted my girl back. I wanted the life we were supposed
to have-
fuck, the life we deserved to
have
- back.

When I started to walk toward her, she turned
away from me to run toward the barn. I took off after her and
grabbed her. She started to scream for me to let her go while she
fought me with every ounce of energy she had. I wouldn’t let her
go. I just held on to her while she hit me with as much force as
she could.

Then, she started to cry.

“I hate you! Don’t touch me, Jeff. You can’t
touch me. Please just leave me alone.”

She was crying so hard that I could hardly
understand her. I just held on to her. She slowly started to sink
to the ground, and I went down with her. The pouring rain and loud
thunder surrounding us was unreal, but there was no way I was
letting her go.

“I lost the baby, Jeff. I lost our baby. Oh
my god...I just want to forget it. Why can’t I just forget it?”

For the first time in weeks, she turned and
held on to me so tightly that I thought I was going to burst with
happiness and sadness at the same time.

“Baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. It just
wasn’t meant to be. She’s up in heaven, looking down on us, and
she’ll always be a part of us...always, Ari. There will never be a
day that goes by that she won’t be with us. She’s our angel
watching over us, baby.”

Ari buried her face in my chest. She was
crying so hard. I would do anything to take away her pain. As she
slowly pulled away from me, the rain mixed with her tears, both
just pouring off her face.

She stared into my eyes and said, “Make love
to me, Jeff. Please make love to me.”

Oh dear
God
. I wanted her so much. It had been so
long that I just wanted to just rip off her clothes right there in
the rain. I picked her up and walked her into the barn to an empty
stall. I gradually slide her down my body as I looked into her
beautiful eyes. Those eyes were slowly getting life back into
them.

Reaching over, I grabbed Stargazer’s blanket.
I bent down and laid out the blanket while Ari just watched my
every move. As I started to take off her sneaker, she put her hands
on my shoulders while she lifted one leg at a time.

Standing up, I captured her mouth with mine.
The moan she let out moved through my whole body.