Sanctuary of Mine (3 page)

Tyler

It’s been a while since Kelly passed, but meal times never get any easier. While I don’t associate food and eating with memories of her, she is clearly absent when the three of us sit down to a meal. She was in ninth grade when her eating disorder started. I’d never known anyone anorexic or bulimic before, neither had my parents. At first they thought she was just losing her puppy fat. Then they assumed she was taking peer pressure a little too far when her collar bones started to stick out. The first day she fainted at school, they realised they had a big problem on their hands.

Kelly was four years older than me, so I was too young to realise just how serious the disease could actually get. All I knew was that my big sister no longer had the energy to run around and play footy with me anymore. I started to miss her like crazy in our backyard, to the point where I would give up play just so I could go and annoy her in her room. Sometimes she would be short tempered and send me away, making me more confused than ever. There was such a lack of understanding on my part that I couldn’t offer her any sympathy. I just wanted her to snap out of her mood and be the old Kelly I loved – who loved me.

By the time she had reached her third year of struggling with anorexia she was a shadow of her former self. She looked like a stick insect, all limbs and bone. She had been hospitalised more times than I care to remember and she flat out refused to eat. The confident lovable girl I knew
had disappeared, and in her place stood a girl prone to tears and outbursts. We barely recognised her anymore. My mum, in particular, took it pretty hard. Her first born baby girl was losing a battle that had its grips on her and wasn’t letting go.

And one autumn day it wasn’t a problem anymore. She died. Heart failure took my sister and for a long time I was fucking angry with the world. I wanted to hurt people the way I was hurting. I wanted to kick and scream at how unfair the world was. I needed to feel anything except the pain of her loss but, in the process, I was becoming another problem child for my parents.

There was nothing anyone could say to make me understand, to rationalise the unfairness of her loss. All I felt was a void and I wondered if this was how she had felt as she slowly starved herself to death. The dark months that followed Kelly’s funeral were bad for all of us, but there came a day that I knew I had to move on. I had to do something that would help others suffering from the disease. An idea came to me at an odd moment when I would sneak into her room. No one knew I went in there, it was my ‘alone time’ with her memory.

Sometimes I would just lie for hours on her bed, staring at her ceiling and remembering all the fun times we had. But one day while I was in there, I felt completely debilitated with grief. I cried to the point I just wanted to scream. Suddenly, the sun broke through a blanket of clouds outside and came streaming through her window. I felt a calm come over me as the sun dried my tears. It was the first time since the funeral that I felt completely at peace. I knew then what I had to do.

With the help of my parents, I set up a foundation. My dad certainly had funds to get me started and he knew it was for a worthy cause. He had a long-time friend of his make us up a charity website called kind2me.org. Mum started hitting up all their associates, friends and family for donations to get the charity off the ground. It was my intention to have as many counsellors as our charity could afford to work full-time for the site. Kind2Me was to provide round the clock on-line counselling services to sufferers of anorexia or bulimia. It was a chance for them to talk to someone who understood what they were going through, offer sound advice, but not judge them. It was an opportunity to offer a range of services and support to those who needed it most. I’m proud to say that in our first year of foundation we managed to generate three hundred and twenty-six thousand dollars in corporate donations alone. We now have four counsellors working for the foundation while mum handles raising donations full-time.

Kind2Me has given me and my parents a sense of peace. We may have lost Kelly, but in her memory we aim to give others a fighting chance at beating the disease. I look to her seat at the kitchen table and still miss her. While my mum is serving my dinner, she catches me looking where my sister used to sit.

‘It still hurts, doesn’t it?’

‘Yeah, for some reason I miss her a lot today, mum.’ My dad joins us at the table, quiet in his way as he always is when we talk about Kelly.

‘There’s always going to be times when we feel her loss more than others. Is there something bothering you Tyler?’ Concern creases across mum’s forehead. She’s still youthful for her age and I’m comforted that in my eyes she doesn’t seem to age. I’m reluctant to tell them about Mackenzie. Not because I’m embarrassed that I like her, but because I don’t want them to worry about me and my feelings. But like most things, I never keep anything from my parents. These days it’s almost lame for a teenager to disclose every single aspect of their life to their parents, but when you are as close-knit as we are and have endured what we have, things never escape being discussed or talked through.

‘Not really bothering me, just … it’s complicated.’

‘Sounds like something serious,’ dad offers.

‘That’s probably putting it lightly.’

‘Well you know you can tell us anything honey.’ Mum’s encouraging look is all that is required for me to spill my guts.

‘I like a girl.’

‘Well, son, that’s the most natural thing in the world,’ my dad grins.

‘I think she may be anorexic. Or bulimic. Or both.’ My mum’s cutlery clangs with force onto the glass table top and my dad’s mouth hangs open.

‘Oh,’ he says, uncertain how to proceed.

‘Are you dating this girl?’ Mum manages to choke out.

‘No, but I want to. I want to get to know her, but I’m not sure if I should.’

‘Well I’m sure she’s a very nice girl, but this is something you’ll have to think very seriously about, Tyler. As you know, having this disease brings a lot of baggage with it. When making decisions on who we bring into our life, we always have to consider – do they make your life more enriched from being in it, or do they take something away from it? Only you will know the answer to that question. But remember, if she does have either one of those diseases it’s going to be hard on you to.’

I nod, understanding what he’s saying. ‘Dad?’

‘Yeah?’ He takes a mouthful of steak, appraising me, man to man.

‘I think she’d be worth the fight.’

‘Then son, I’d say this girl is very lucky to have your interest.’

Mum’s eyes have watered up. I know she misses Kelly so much but, with equal passion, she relishes in the child she still gets to see grow up to become a man. If there is one thing I’m certain, I will never take that away from her. I will always be a son she can be proud of. I will always give her those milestone moments where she can see her child grow into and live the dreams she had for me when I was just a baby. I’m thankful for the family I have, who support me to the moon and back. But now I need to help someone else. Mackenzie Deeks may not want friends but I’m determined to be hers, whether she likes it or not.

Mackenzie

Thankfully
, for the rest of the week school is relatively pain free. Levi becomes a staple at my side. He’s funny and endearing, despite his own torment. I find myself looking forward to his puppy dog expression, grateful for his company. Lunch times are the same each day for both of us. He fills his tray to the brim while I stick to my apple and milk. We laugh a little.

Friday sees us both heading to the library for fifth period, so we walk on over to the building block that houses an impressive collection of literature, happy to escape in the world of fiction for the remainder of our lunch break.

It’s a sunny day, clear skies with a gentle breeze that keeps the temperature down. I draw my cardigan around me, using it almost like a security blanket. Levi talks animatedly to me as we cross the quadrangle on the concrete footpath. He’s telling me about a Game Of Thrones episode he’d seen on the telly last night. One minute he’s walking right next to me, the next he’s flat on his arse. The pained expression on his face tells me he’s hurt, but he’s trying hard not to show it. I whip my head around to find the culprit and come face to face with Marla.

Goddamn, fucking Marla. God, I wish she’d just drop dead. Her expression is haughty and it’s evident she’s up for a battle. In the corner of the quadrangle, the footy team are occupying a picnic bench while eating their lunch. Already a few nosy parkers are staring in our direction, eager to see what’s going on.

‘Oh I’m sorry, Jane. I totally didn’t see your friend there.’ She smirks as she takes in her manicured fingers, evidently bored just by being in our presence.

‘It’s Mackenzie,’ I seethe, ‘And you
did
see him, which is precisely why you tripped him up!’ My blood is boiling. I know there is no way I can kick her arse in a fight, she’s probably got about thirty pounds on me, but I refuse to let her see it as being okay to torment a friend of mine.
There, I said it. I, Mackenzie Deeks, have a friend.

My body language says it all. Jaw clenching, fists closed tight, shoulders forward. The laughs from the footy table are egging me on too. I can tell they are delighting in the lunchtime show, anything to break up the monotony of school life. Chuck and Benson seem to be particularly delighted by our current predicament. Tyler’s there too, but his back is to me. Levi seems to instinctively know that I’m not about to let this go so easily. I feel his hand place gently on my shoulder.

‘Come on, Mackenzie. She’s not worth it, let’s just go.’

‘No way, Levi. Marla needs to
apologise to you first.’ I fold my arms across my chest and jut my jaw out just so, hoping that I intimidate her just a little.

‘Are you serious? Like, I’m really in disbelief right now,
Mackenzie.
I think it’s your big oaf who needs to apologise to me. Sheesh, this is what I have to put up with just because someone else is a klutz?’ The urge to slap her cheek simmers just below the surface. In fact, I can feel my hand twitching to do it, just to ease the adrenalin that is coursing through my body.

‘She’s going to
apologise, Levi. We’re not leaving until she does.’

My focus was so concentrated on Marla that it’s only now that I see Tyler standing behind her. My eyes find his – Pacific blue stares me down and makes my knees weak. Oh hang on, that could be the lack of food, or the excitement for that matter, but I’m pretty certain some of it has to do with the fact that Mr-Hot-Stuff is giving me the once over.

‘Not a chance, Jane.’ Marla sniffs, as though bored with our conversation. She’s yet to r
ealise Tyler is standing right behind her.

‘Everything alright, Mackenzie?’ I really want to kiss him right now, I really do. I don’t think I could be more grateful if I tried. I’m sure he sees the relief I feel at him having stepped in. Marla freezes, only for a split second before regaining her composure. She spins around to face Tyler.

‘Tyler! Hey, what’s up?’ His eyes briefly scan her face before returning to mine.

‘I’m talking to Mackenzie.’ He sounds totally bored as he dismisses her.

‘Marla was just about to
apologise to Levi for tripping him up.’ I stare pointedly at her, waiting. She looks from Tyler to me and Levi and then huffs audibly.

‘Geez, it was an accident
, okay? Sor-ry!’ She stomps off towards the nearest building and disappears through the double glass doors without giving any of us a backwards glance. I can hear Levi sigh with relief behind me.

‘Seems like she’s got it in for you two,’ Tyler says as he gives his dirty blonde hair a flick, just enough to get his fringe out of his eyes. God I could get lost in them. I know it sounds weird, but they’re really pretty. Mine are a shitty hazel colour that make understated look special.

‘I think she’s got it in for anyone who’s not part of her clique, but you really don’t have to keep saving us you know.’ He smiles a kind of sad smile, which confuses me for a minute.

‘You kind of look like you need saving.’ His look is intense, eyes seemingly searching mine for answers I just don’t know how to give.

‘I’m fine,’ I whisper, wondering just where he’s going with this.

‘Good, well I’ll see you around Mack. Later, Levi,’ he says as an afterthought. His retreating figure tugs on my fragility. I’m confused by his apparent concern, wondering why I have it in the first place.

‘Mack?’ I call after him. He stops dead at the sound of my voice and jogs back over to us. His expression is unreadable, so I am most surprised when he reaches out to trail his finger down my cheek to the tip of my chin. I’m shocked, and try not to flinch at his touch. Nobody has ever touched me romantically before. Ever. He takes a step closer to me and puts his lips to my ear so only I can hear him.

‘Like a Mack truck. You floor me like a Mack truck.’ Without another word, he jogs off over the quadrangle to retrieve his backpack from the picnic table. His team mates throw catcalls and whistles at him, taking up the opportunity to make fun of him. He gives them the finger before leaving them to their childish antics.

To everyone who was watching, Tyler just made a very public show of sticking up for me – and Levi. I have to wonder what his ulterior motives are. I’m broken out of my reverie by Levi.

‘Well
, that was weird.’ He’s recovered from his ordeal and is shaking his head in the direction Tyler just left.

‘You can say that again.’

‘Well, that was weird.’ Laughing, I jab him in the ribs as we head arm in arm for the library.