Sanctuary of Mine (4 page)

Mackenzie

I hate the weekends. Really, they blow big balls. It makes hiding my secret just that much harder. My alarm wakes me up early. While everyone else sleeps in, I’m busy in the kitchen making sure my plans of deceit are executed before they’re up and about.

Grabbing a bowl from the cupboard, I fill it with a small handful of cereal, add a dash of milk and a spoon and then place it in the sink. Turning on the faucet, I fill the bowl to the top with water and then let it sit there, no attempt whatsoever to put it in the dishwasher or clean up after myself. I’d rather be called lazy than picked on for my eating habits. Instead, my real breakfast is a small can of tuna. Disgusting, I know. But in spring water it is low in calories, and pure protein will ensure that my stomach stays flat. I hate feeling bloated and uncomfortable.

Funny, but I have been depriving myself of food for so long, that now I feel more normal without it. Too much or too soon and it is guaranteed to come straight back up. Rich food is a complete no no. Nights that mum prepares food like this I plead off it and only please her by making a huge steamed bowl of vegies. What she doesn’t know is that half of it ends up with Max next door.

I make coffee just the way I like it and sit at the table with the newspaper. There is nothing interesting there, but keeping up appearances requires some parental interaction. Half an hour later mum wanders bleary eyed into the kitchen and flicks the switch for the kettle.

‘Morning honey.’ Her yawn sets me off too.

‘Morning mum.’

‘You know, Mackenzie, the dishwasher is right next to the sink.’ I watch as she tips what looks like the remnants of my breakfast down the drain and load my bowl and spoon into the dishwasher.

‘Sorry mum, I forgot.’
Sneaky. Very sneaky.

‘I don’t know what is with you teenagers, it seems like you need to be told a million times to do the one thing.’ I let her complain. This is our normal relationship. It works for both of us. She feels like she is imparting the wisdom of adulthood, while I act the part of petulant teenager. Like I said, pretty normal stuff happening in our household.
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that!
Sometimes I really wish my brain would shut the hell up.

‘So, what do you have on for today?’ She seems eager to connect with me on some level, so I indulge her.

‘I’m going shopping with Levi.’ She drops the teaspoon she’s holding and turns to look at me. A smile plays on her lips that I have never seen before. I know what she’s thinking and believe me when I say
she can stop that shit right now.

‘He’s just a fr
iend from school.’ Who knew a mother would be so keen to see their daughter get boyfriend. I half expected my parents to take the whole ‘shotgun to any boy who turns up at my doorstep’ approach. Guess I was wrong.

‘Of course, of course! But still, a shopping trip hey? That’s exciting!’ I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to the paper. Mum fusses about in the kitchen a minute more before beaming at me as she leaves with her cups of coffee in hand. Relieved our interaction is over, I decide to shower and dress, even though I have ages before I’m meeting Levi at the mall.

Stripping down is not something I really like doing. Being skinny is addictive. Even though the evidence of malnutrition shows on my body, I feel so out of control that I am powerless to stop it. In some way, I feel like I want to punish myself. My reflection in the bathroom mirror looks twiggy. My breasts are small and pert, my hips non-existent. Even with my legs stood together, the huge gap between the tops of my thighs is large enough to fit a thick book between. Thin downy hair covers my abdomen. I know it is a side effect of not eating enough, but I’m not vain enough to stop. Besides, waxing helps keep the skin smooth and clear.

Stepping into the warm shower, my body relaxes for the first time since I got out of bed. I give my hair a good shampoo, making sure to follow with a quality conditioner.
I don’t want my hair to look brittle, which is kind of ironic when I think about how bad my internal organs must be.

Ignorance is bliss and deciding to go with that whole ‘out of sight out of mind’ philosophy, I finish up and wrap a towel around me to dry. My skinny jeans and an over-sized tee are dragged on over my underwear. The jeans, bought last autumn, hang loosely off my hips. These days I never let my mum take me shopping. It usually ends in tears. Hers. She doesn’t cope well with my size even though I’ve convinced her that I’m eating at least some of the time. I certainly wouldn’t want her to believe any different, but if she were to see my current size I’m sure she’d start having kittens.

Looking at my watch, I realise I still have an hour to kill before I meet Levi at the mall. We’re going to buy some new pants for him to wear to his Aunty’s wedding. Apparently his old ones don’t fit. His happy eating has earned him two more notches on his belt buckle and he can no longer do up the button on his old pants. He knows I’m not about to be all judgmental on him, so he asked if I’d tag along. This is something his mum would normally have done with him, so I’m glad I can offer him the moral support.

It’s a nice day, so I decide to walk to the bus stop. It will help pass some of the time too. Grabbing an apple from the kitchen for later, I shout a goodbye to the folks and head out the rear door. We live in a house on Glen Avenue near the Fred Hollows Reserve. There are main roads a stone’s throw from our front driveway, which sometimes keeps me awake at night as the vehicles rumble through town.

Heading north to Bondi Junction I’m in good spirits. Being on my own, my thoughts turn to my dad. I hope he’ll come home soon, although the last time I spoke to him he wasn’t sure when that would be. As I amble along the footpath lost in thought, I realise a car is slowing behind me and pulling into the curb. Thinking the car intends to turn into a driveway behind me, I hurry along to allow it in. It’s only when I can hear it still in pursuit of me that I turn and glance at it.

Pacific blue is staring at me through the windshield intently.

Holy fuck, what the hell is he doing here?
I offer a half wave and keep on walking. He pulls the car right up beside me and shouts out the window.

‘Hey, Mackenzie!’ Stopping abruptly, he parks at the curb, waiting for me to approach the window. Thinking I must be bonkers for doing so, I duck my head down so I can see inside the car’s interior.

‘Hi Tyler.’

‘Mack, you want a lift?’ The hottest boy in school has no idea where I’m heading and yet here he is offering me a ride.

‘No, it’s okay. I can walk.’ He looks disappointed.

‘You sure, where are you going?’

‘I’m heading in to Bondi to the mall.’

‘Great! Hop in; I’m heading that way too.’ There is no room to argue with him. He’s patiently letting his engine idle while I debate with myself as to whether this is actually a good idea. Realising he isn’t about to go anywhere without me, I open the door and fold myself into the front passenger seat.

He smiles as though he’s just won a million bucks and I can’t help feel like a little bit of his happiness has just rubbed off on me. The inside of his car smells nice, like spearmint chewing gum and his deodorant. I settle back against the seat, a little insecure as to whether I should talk to him, or just be a passive passenger. Out of the corner of my eye I sneak little glances his way, watching him
as he drives the car casually with one hand. We’re only a year apart, but he oozes the confidence of someone much older. It’s hard not to sit here and wonder what his story is.

He sneaks a glance of his own in my direction and grins impishly when our eyes lock. His flash of white teeth make me wonder what it would be like to kiss him, but I shake that thought from my head. As if someone like him would ever kiss someone like me.

‘So, you’re up early for a Saturday. Most
people are sleeping in on the weekend.’ Conversation seems to come easy to him, his self-confidence making me feel more conscious of my lack thereof.

‘I’m going shopping with Levi.’ Cursing inwardly, I’m baffled as to why I have just disclosed to him that I am meeting up with another boy. He might think that I like him romantically. Me and my big mouth should just learn to stay shut.

‘Levi … you guys are good friends then?’

‘Yes,’ I say with relief, ‘just friends.’

‘I see.’ There’s a pause in conversation as he navigates the road. His dimple showing when he smiles to himself.

‘So what are you doing up this early? You’re not a fan of sleeping in either?’ I say.

‘I wish! But unfortunately my expenses don’t pay for themselves, so I have to head to my weekend job. My parents are believers in learning the value of a dollar.’

‘What do you do?’

‘A mate of my dad’s has a mechanic shop in Waverley. He lets me work on the weekends ‘til midday to earn a couple of dollars. It’s easy work, but kinda dirty.’ His nose wrinkles up as he says ‘dirty’, and with him dressed in his jeans and black tee-shirt I can only imagine what he looks like with engine grease smeared all over him.

His car rolls down Council Street and I crack my window to get some air.
Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?
Tyler fiddles with the knob on the stereo until he finds a song he likes. Thankfully it’s a station that doesn’t play ‘doof doof’ (aka techno) which most of our peers are listening to. Ugh, I hate that shit. I’d rather have fingernails pulled than have to sit here and listen to it. Tyler eases himself back into his seat and then eyes me conspiratorially while he drives with one hand on the wheel. He’s starting to make me feel nervous and I find I suddenly have sweaty palms, perspiration already reaching my armpits.

‘What?’

‘I’m hungry.’

‘Oh.’ Maybe that’s why he keeps looking at me like he wants to devour me. Wishful thinking, I know.

‘I know I’m giving you a lift to meet a friend, but do you think we have time to stop for a quick bite at McDonalds?’ Dimples are already assaulting me. I have no desire for food, but a little extra time with Tyler Redding? I feel myself wanting to cave into his request. I check my watch. There’s time, but do I really want to put myself into a social situation where Tyler gets to experience my non-existent eating habits first hand?
Don’t be such a baby and get over yourself!

‘Ah, sure.’

‘Great!’ The smile has flipped to full wattage and I wonder absently how a guy this good looking doesn’t have a steady girlfriend.

The entry way for the fast food outlet looms and Tyler breaks to pull into the parking lot. He turns the engine off, leaving us in silence in the absence of music. I’m hesitant. This seems a lot like a date. Impromptu and a first, but still, me alone with a handsome boy – it’s unheard of.

‘Let’s go.’ Tyler grabs the car keys and gets out of the car. Taking a steadying breath, I follow suit. He walks with confidence, his jeans hugging his arse just so. I find it hard not to let my eyes linger on his rear end as he walks. I’m sure I have reached a point in my life where I am completely out of my depth. But I’m not going anywhere. It’s too late to chicken out now.

Inside the air conditioning is set to freezing, and it always amazes me that the people who run fast food joints, cinemas and shopping centres never seem to be able to get the temperatures right. Goosebumps spring up on my skinny arms and I rub them to try and bring some warmth back.

Tyler already has his wallet out, his focus on the front cashier with a perky brunette waiting to take the next customer’s order. I remind myself that Tyler is
definitely
not here on a date with me, and that there are probably a million young women lining up to keep him company on a Friday night. A flush of heat reaches my cheeks, embarrassed at the sudden pang of jealousy that assaults me. He’s not mine and I have no right to feel this way. Shuffling off to find a table, I leave him to go and order on his own.

Pretending to absorb myself in the paper that was left on the table, I can’t help but steal glances as he interacts with the girl who is serving him. He’s confident, self-assured and goddamn fucking hot. It’s hard to find fault with someone when they’re so good looking. He seems to be acting very charming, offering up a smile, although he doesn’t come across as sleazy in the slightest. It seems more like he feels that each individual he interacts with deserves his full attention.

He walks back to me with a tray laden full of food: two drinks, bacon and egg muffins, hash browns and a bag of sliced apples (because McDonalds is apparently healthy now). He slides into the booth across from me and appraises me before sliding a soft drink cup towards me and the bag of sliced apples. The large chocolate shake and the rest of the food remain in front of him. Our eyes are trying to communicate what is not yet spoken. He doesn’t seem keen to say anything further, his offering untouched as yet in front of me.

‘I’m sorry you went to the trouble, but I didn’t want anything.’ At least my manners remained intact, even though my senses are fuzzy from the excitement of being here with him. He contemplates this for a moment before responding.