Sanctuary of Mine (6 page)

Mackenzie

Tyler doesn’t let me buy lunch, nor does he ask what I want. What he orders suits me just fine, though, as it is what I would have selected, had I needed to choose something myself. With our food wrapped in a bag, he takes my hand in his again and we head for the shade of the cliffs on the southern end of Bondi Beach.

We find a spot away from the footpath where people are constantly walking past. It still affords us a great place to relax and enjoy lunch, without being too uncomfortable with being on our own. Tyler unwraps his burger packed with the lot. I wrinkle my nose up at the greasy mess held between his hands. As he takes the first bite, the egg pops inside and dribbles down to his hands. His licks the juices off his fingers and I absently wonder what else his tongue could do. I scold myself immediately, thinking that line of thinking is
way
out of line for a lunch date. He catches me ogling once again.

‘Hey, don’t judge me – I’m a growing boy!’ His greasy lips grin widely at me.

‘Yeah, in more ways than one.’
I cannot believe that just came out of my goddamn mouth!

‘Are you flirting with me, Mackenzie?’

‘No!’ He doesn’t look convinced by my vehement reply, but happily goes back to eating his burger. Obviously nothing will come between male teens and their food; not even sexy talk from his lunch companion.

Slowly I unwrap my burger too. It’s plain grilled chicken and salad. No cheese, no sauce, no extras of any sort. I discard the top of the bun and start in on the salad, taking care to chew each mouthful as many times as I can before swallowing. When I’m done with the salad, I begin to shred little bits of chicken off the breast meat that still sits atop the bottom of my burger patty. I manage about a third of it before sitting back against the cliff face with a sigh. My stomach feels absolutely stuffed and gurgles as it works hard to digest the unusual amount of food I have just given it.

‘You done?’ Tyler is eyeing my leftovers with hungry eyes.

‘Thanks, I’m full. Do you want it?’ I offer what’s left of the chicken breast and burger buns to him.

‘You don’t need to ask twice,’ he says eagerly, taking what is offered to him. While he finishes off my food, I watch the people down on the beach. The lifeguards look like they’re being kept busy. It’s no wonder on a day like today.

‘What have you got planned for this afternoon?’ Tyler’s tone is light, conversationalist.

‘Nothing, I was probably going to head home after here.’ I’m trying hard to act indifferent and play it cool. I’m sure he has over-excited girls throwing themselves at him all the time.

‘You want a lift?’

‘Ah, sure … if you don’t mind?’

‘I wouldn’t have asked if I did.’

‘Okay then. Yes please.’ He grabs our rubbish and bags, before extending his hand out to me to pull me up. I take it, the tingling returning to my fingertips the minute they touch his. Once I’m on my feet, he doesn’t let my hand go. Instead, he leads me past the parking lot, dumping our rubbish in the bin as we go.

We weave in and out of a few side streets before we stop beside a black Harley motorcycle. Scanning the street, I’m still looking for his car when he removes two helmets from the storage compartments on either side of the bike. He replaces the helmets with our gear and then turns to me.

‘Where’s your car?’

‘It’s my dad’s. The bike’s mine, it’s easier to park down here when it gets this busy.’

‘Oh.’

‘Come here and let me put the helmet on you.’ He steps closer to me to meet me half way, and our bodies inadvertently brush together. His chest feels hard and muscled, evidence of a lot of exercise. He looks older than a seventeen year old, and I can see what the attraction would be for other girls – me included. It makes me absently wonder who the spare helmet was for. A ‘just-in-case’ or did it belong to an ex-girlfriend? I push those thoughts quickly from my head. There is no way I need the baggage of jealously along with all the other shit that goes on in my head.

‘Keep still.’ His breath tickles my face, the smell of barbeque sauce lingering on his breath. I know it sounds funny, but it makes me want to eat him. My eyes focus on his mouth as he slides the helmet onto my head. His fingers work their magic
with the chin strap and soon have the clasp done up. He’s momentarily frozen, eyes drinking me in, seemingly searching my soul for something. What, I don’t know. His fingers graze my cheeks before cupping my jaw, his thumbs rubbing lightly over my bottom lip.

I’m finding it hard just to breathe right now. We are all alone in the side street, shaded from the glaring sun by the apartment buildings. The world seems to continue to move on at its rapid pace behind us, and yet here, time is frozen. He bites his own lip and I start to plead silently to myself.
Please kiss me, just this once. Just kiss me once and I will never ask for anything else!
I know it’s a lie, but I can’t help myself. It appears that I too am impervious to his charms.

‘Don’t …’ he begs. I’m confused.

‘Don’t what?’ I barely get the words out.

‘Don’t look at me like that.’ His eyes are pleading with me, but I studiously ignore them.

‘Why not?’

‘Because if you don’t stop looking at me like that then I’m going to have to kiss you.’ It’s clearly a challenge, testing to see what my reaction will be. He’s being cautious with me, and I wonder if this is the way he usually behaves.

‘Well, I promise I won’t complain if you do.’ That’s a pretty bold statement, especially coming from me.

I don’t know what’s come over me. All I know is that when I’m with Tyler, I want to have fun. I want to
be
fun. His jaw clenches, I can see the muscle working hard as he bites his teeth together. I briefly wonder what his hesitation is, before he closes his eyes and leans in towards me.

Oh crap, this is it! He’s actually going to do it! I’m not ready, I’m not ready.

All thoughts escape me as he moves towards my lips. My nostrils fill with his scent; deodorant mingling with the salt from the ocean, tantalising my senses and surrendering me helpless.

His mouth gently closes over mine, breath hot as our lips fuse. My eyes close as I succumb to his kiss. There is nothing else on this planet, except for both of us, right here, right now. There is no eating disorder, no broken family, none of the unhappiness that has plagued me for years. All that exists is this blissful, tranquil moment – imprinting onto my young mind, cataloguing it for later when I want to remember my first, proper kiss.

My mouth parts as his tongue seeks to delve into mine. I grant him permission, letting him take the lead. Our lips move so easily with one another’s that it manipulates me into thinking that his mouth was made for mine. My brain argues with me how idiotic that sounds, but a girl with a crush will not be reasoned with.

When we finally break apart, we are both left breathless and stunned.

‘Wow,’ he says huskily.

You got that straight.

****

That night as I lay in my bed, the moonlight spilling through my curtains, my mind happily runs back to my first real kiss. That is if you exclude the stolen kiss from Jaime Hicks when I was ten, whereby he proceeded to shove his slug like tongue down my throat. This was nothing like that at all. I’m excited and bubbling inside. Sleep eludes me, and I know Tyler is responsible for that. Playing over each look, each touch. Every little thing he said. It makes me want to scream from the rooftops because, right in this moment, there is delight in my life. This is a huge change for me.

I suddenly panic, for I fear that this can’t possibly last.

Disbelief suddenly envelopes me as I realise that today is the first day in years that I have gotten through it without vomiting, or spent a ridiculous amount of time obsessing over food for that matter. I smile in the dark. Perhaps this is a new chapter in my life; one that doesn’t have to be consumed by a disease that controls me. Maybe it’s time I allowed myself to really start living and have some fun.

Mackenzie

My day has been spent
not immersing myself in study or listening to teachers waft on about the importance of said subjects, but rather, exchanging pilfered glances with Tyler in the hallways all day and then daydreaming about him in class. To my young heart, that has never truly known what it means to be in love, I think I am. Okay, maybe it’s lust. He’s hot, there’s no doubt about that. But my subconscious refuses to believe that’s all there is. Tyler’s not like other boys. There’s a something more to him than just good looks.
He cares.

I want desperately to have more chance encounters with him, especially since the day at the beach. Yet two weeks have almost passed and he isn’t forthcoming with instigating more. Sure, he returns the looks like he wants to devour me, which only makes me blush down to my toes, making me all the more confused and agitated. I don’t know where I stand with him. Am I just crushing on a boy that has no intention of ever making me his girl? Is he happy to talk outside of school, but the thought of actually being seen with me here scares him to death?

Being grouped with the nerds, I’m well aware of my social standing on the ‘I’m too cool for school’ ladder. In fact, under normal circumstances there is no way a girl like me could even hope for a second glance from a guy like him. But that’s just the problem. I did get a second glance. Now I want more. This business of liking boys just keeps getting more addictive.

Sighing, I clear out my locker for the weekend. Levi suddenly appears at my side.

‘Shit, Levi. You scared the crap out of me!’

‘I’m not surprised; you looked a million miles away.’ Levi totally gets me. Being his saviour was kind of a blessing in disguise.

‘I was just wondering what to make of Tyler Redding.’

‘He’s totally into you.’ Levi hugs his books to his chest, his tone wistful, like he too would like someone like Tyler Redding to be in to him as well.

‘You think so?’

‘Girl, I know so.’

‘Well why doesn’t he ask me out? Do you think it’s because of … you know, my eating disorder?’ My hand suddenly flies to my mouth in shock. ‘Oh my god, do you think perhaps I repulse him?’ Levi slams my locker shut and links arms with me, reassuringly stroking my arm.

‘No way, Mackenzie. He definitely likes you. There is nothing he’s putting out there that says he is repulsed in the slightest. And believe me, I’ve seen him watching you.’

‘Then, what then?’

‘I don’t know
, but I’m sure he’ll come to his senses soon and ask you out.’ I’m not fully convinced, but there’s nothing I can do but hope he’s right and bide my time. We walk arm in arm down the hall towards the front school entrance where students are assembling to catch the bus home.

Stepping out into the sunlight, I’m momentarily blinded by its rays. It’s only when my eyes adjust that I see him.

‘Oh my god!’ I exclaim, pinching Levi’s arm tightly.

‘Ow! What?’

‘There’s my dad!’ And there he is – the man that makes all my skies blue because he knows just how to chase the storm clouds away.

‘Really? What’s his name?’ he says excitedly, suddenly scanning the crowd of students for a man that could be my father.

‘
Chris; it’s Chris. I’ve gotta go, I’ll introduce you later,’ I yell over my shoulder as I dash off in the direction of my dad.

He’s standing beside a rental car, double parked in the staff car park and not caring one iota because he’s here to get his baby girl. My dad looks really young for his forty-two years. Very Matthew McConaughey. Whenever he’s home and takes me out, I see the way women look at him. To his face they’re all sunshine and light. Behind his back I’m the recipient of their scathing looks, jealous that I’m in his company. Part of me wants to yell at them to get a grip and back off. The child in me smiles sweetly, taunting them with something they can’t possibly have. I love my dad. When he’s home to see me, I have his undivided attention.

Running as fast as I can, I rush at him, flinging my tiny frame into his big bear hug.

‘Hey baby girl
! God, I’ve missed you!’ His voice catches with emotion, making tears prick my own eyes. Inhaling his scent deeply, I feel like I’ve just come home. The place where your heart rests easy and you are comfortable with every inch of space that surrounds you.

This man makes it possible to forget every single second of the last three fucking miserable years of my life. He is my protector, my provider, my friend. But most of all, he’s just daddy. He’s the man who, when I was a toddler, would push me one last time on the swing at the park just because I asked him to. He’s the man who would always hold my hand to cross the road, even when I promised him I was big enough to do it on my own. He was the one who bought me ice-cream when I was sick. But most importantly, he was the man who was always in my corner, even when my mother wasn’t. In his eyes, I could do no wrong.

‘I missed you too, Dad.’

‘How about you and I go out for a milkshake, huh?’ Tears brim his eyes as they sweep over my skinny frame.

‘Sure Dad, I’d like that.’

‘Great, let’s go. I have to have you back at your mother’s for five-thirty. She’s insisted she cooks us all dinner.’ He rolls his eyes, which gets a giggle out of me. Dad hops into the driver’s side, but before I follow suit, I turn to wave goodbye to Levi with a big silly grin on my face. He’s gone already, but in his place on the steps is Tyler.

He’s motionless, staring at me without concealing the fact he is doing so. His gaze is intense, eyebrows knotted together deep in thought. I’m sure he’s more than just a little curious as to who the man is I’m about to get into the car with. For now, it’ll just have to remain a mystery. I offer a small shy smile before I get into the
passenger’s seat.

As we drive off out of the car park, I’m quite excited to acknowledge that I think I just saw Tyler Redding jealous.