Safe & Sound (21 page)

A hot shower and clean clothes did little to improve my mood as I sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. I sent a blanket text back to my friends that I was okay but didn’t feel like talking with anyone, before they panicked and decided to do something drastic. Then, for the first time in a very long time, I felt the need to express the thoughts that were now continuously scrawled through my mind. I rifled through my dresser and found the journal Lanie had sent to me weeks earlier. Unable to relax in the house, I put on Jay’s Wake Forest sweatshirt, grabbed a blanket and headed out to the beach, journal in hand.

Settling into one of two green Adirondack chairs that I had carried down to the beach several days prior, I curled up with my journal. Carefully, I thumbed through the previous entries. Stella’s words floated back to me: “Lanie and I have watched you scribble away in those journals of yours since we were kids. You were always happiest sitting by yourself, lost in some train of thought, writing … Jay thought you had it.”

All the people in my life seemed to know more about me than I did. That much seemed true. I owed it to Jay, to all of them really, to try. I could feel the excitement pulse through me. What was I afraid off? Failing or succeeding? I started to write in the journal. The words just flowed. Thoughts I had been bottling up since Jay’s accident, months and months of emotion, were finally ready to be put into words.

“Jill?”

I heard the soft sound of my name in the distance, breaking my train of thought. Ross was jogging up the beach with his surfboard.

“Hey, Ross,” I replied, closing my journal and resting it in my lap.

“My friends and I were just finishing up surfing and I saw you still sitting here. Thought I would at least swing by and say hey.”

“How was the surf?”

“Awesome. You surf?” He combed his hands through his wet hair.

“Nope.”

Someone farther down the beach called Ross’s name, distracting him for a moment. He looked back at me, his green eyes searching mine, causing some unnamed emotion to stir inside.

“Did you want to sit?” I asked, unsure if he was lingering to be polite or if he really wanted to stay.

“Do you mind? I didn’t want to interrupt,” he said almost shyly.

“You’re not interrupting. I could use the company,” I said, unsure why.

He waved his friends on and sat down on his surfboard, facing me.

“You could sit in the chair.”

“Nah. This works just fine.” He smiled and for a couple of moments an awkward silence lingered between us.

“Have you surfed a long time?” I finally asked, breaking the silence.

“My whole life. There is something exhilarating and soothing about the ocean all at the same time, but it mostly takes my mind off of everything else.”

“Running has the same effect for me,” I said.

But I was thinking, “Except for today.”

“You run?” he asked.

“I try to every morning, but it doesn’t always work out that way.”

“That’s cool. I hate running.”

I let out a giggle.

Feeling the tension break, we talked freely about various things with the comfort of two old friends. The sun had long set and we both sat in the glow of the lights reflecting off the many houses that lined the beach.

“I should get going. It’s getting late and I have to work in the morning,” Ross finally said after I had yawned for the third time.

“I understand, Ross. Thank you for the company tonight,” I said, getting up and gathering all my things.

“Jill?” Ross asked as I headed back up to the house.

“Yea?”

“It doesn’t last forever.”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“The sadness. It’s consuming and heavy but keep fighting. You’ll get through it.” He turned and headed back down the beach.

Rendered speechless, I made my way back to the house.

“We have been sooo worried about you,” Stella said.

“I know, but I just needed my space today,” I replied, having finally called Lanie and Stella back after missing two more calls from them.

“You can’t shut us out,” Lanie said.

“I wasn’t. I just didn’t have the right words to explain to you guys what today felt like to me.

It should have been a day of joy and celebration, but instead I feel like it set me back several months.”

“We want to be there for you. You can always lean on us,” Lanie said.

“I know but I needed a change … a change in perspective.”

I thought back to Ross and how this stranger had come into my life with no expectations.

“What did you do?” Stella asked tentatively.

“I’m not gonna lie. It wasn’t an easy day. The sadness is so overwhelming, but a friend helped take my mind off of it all,” I said before realizing the questions that would follow such a vague statement.

“What friend?” Lanie asked.

“What? Are we suddenly not good enough?” Stella sounded angry.

“No, no. It’s just that you are both so entwined in my whole life it’s hard to just lose myself in casual conversation with you. Ross doesn’t know anything about me or my story and so it was just nice to sit and talk about nothing and everything without any evaluation of my feeling or state of well-being,” I stammered.

“Who is Ross?” Stella asked.

“Ross works for Jeff Powers. We have met several times and we bumped into each other on the beach today.”

“But you’re sure you’re okay?” Lanie pressed.

“Yes. I’m okay … I’m fighting through the sadness,” I said, quoting Ross and smiling to myself.

“Okay. We are just worried, Jill,” Lanie finally said.

“I know and I appreciate it, but this is my fight now.” I paused not wanting this conversation to drag on all night. “I love you both, but I need to go.”

“Love you too,” Stella and Lanie echoed before hanging up the phone.

Glancing at my phone, I saw that I had another text from Harry.

From: Harry Conner

Jill, I miss you.

To: Harry Conner

We all miss him.

From: Harry Conner

How do you get through?

To: Harry Conner

Have a little hope.

I went to bed, dreading another night of haunting nightmares. As I climbed the stairs, I could hear Ross’s advice in the back of my head. Did I have any fight left in me? Was I brave enough? Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I knew deep down inside there were things out there still left to fight for. I just needed to figure them out.

CHAPTER 26

M
r. Colton called several morning’s later and apologized for the delay with the delivery of my bike. He said it had finally arrived and was ready for me to pick up. I set out for the hardware store a little after 10. When I arrived at the hardware store, I could see the mint-green bike with white-walled tires set up outside the shop. After paying for the bike and assuring Mr. Colton I didn’t need a helmet, I set out back home. Halfway back to the house, I decided I wasn’t ready to return to the house and took a right and headed out to explore the island. After weeks of being confined to my walking radius, I was ready to explore my surroundings. I spent the rest of the morning exploring the island and revisiting several of my favorite locations. I had just pulled up to the stop light several blocks from the house and was waiting for traffic to pass when a truck pulled up next to me. The driver rolled down the passenger window and called out to me, “Fancy meeting you here.”

“If I didn’t know better I would think you are stalking me,” I said to Ross with my best deadpan expression while he grinned back at me from inside the truck.

“Need a lift?”

“No thanks. I just got my new ride this morning.” I pointed to my new bike.

“Very trendy. Now you look like one of those hip tourists.”

We both burst out laughing. I knew for sure that I was the least hip person on the island.

“Listen, what are you doing this evening?” he asked.

His question completely disarmed me.

“It’s not what you think,” he quickly added.

I was glad he couldn’t tell what I was thinking.

“Don’t look so horrified.”

Okay. Maybe he knew exactly what I was thinking.

“My friends and I are having a bonfire out on the beach, just a small get-together, you know, to celebrate the Fourth. I wanted to see if you wanted to come.” He glanced over at me, his eyes twinkling.

“It’s July 4?” I clearly needed to get a better grasp on time as the year was slipping away from me.

“Last time I checked.”

“Um …”

“I’ll make it supereasy on you. We are going to be on the beach, maybe 150 yards down the beach from your place. Stop by if you like. We will be there around sunset.”

“I’ll think about it,” I stammered.

“Cool.”

The light changed. Ross waved at me and he was gone.

“You should go,” Stella chimed in.

“I don’t know. I mean, what do you know about this guy?” Lanie asked. As always she was ever practical about every situation.

“He’s more like a kid,” I replied.

“How young is young? He’s legal, right?” Stella asked.

“Stella!” I tried my best to sound offended. “I don’t know, early twenties?”

“You’re young,” Lanie countered.

“I’m almost 30.” I felt as if I had aged 10 years in the last several months, making me feel 10 times older than I actually was.

“We are the same age and we are not 30 … 28 is 28 … not 30,” Stella shrilled. “Additionally, it’s the Fourth. Go out and have some fun. Enjoy yourself. He didn’t ask you for your hand in marriage and there will be other people there. I say go for it. You could use some social interaction.” Stella offered her opinion a little more calmly.

“For once, I agree. You need to get out, make friends, be social,” Lanie chimed in, changing her tune quickly.

“Okay. I’ll think about it,” I finally said.

“Don’t think about it. Do it. Why call us and get us all riled up if you aren’t going to follow our advice,” Stella complained.

“To get you all riled up,” I snapped back.

“Mission accomplished.”

“Bye, ladies. I’ll keep you posted.” I hung up despite their protests.

I stood in my closet for 30 minutes, wondering what to wear before deciding that the whole situation was ridiculous. I was sure that I was nearly 10 years older than Ross and probably most of his friends. What could we possibly have in common? He had probably just invited me since he felt sorry for me, or better yet, so I wouldn’t call and file a noise complaint against them. I finally decided that I would just stop by and say hi and then return home. After settling on a pair of cut-off shorts, loose-fitting cotton V-neck and my L.L. Bean flip-flops, I grabbed Jay’s Wake Forest sweatshirt off the sofa and headed out the back door. Most of the new decking had been completed, which made my walk to the beach much easier.

I could see a group of people ahead as I stepped onto the beach. A small glow flickered in the distance where everyone sat in a circle. The soft hum of a radio could be heard and the occasional laugh or shout.

“Jill.”

I looked up. Ross was jogging toward me.

“Hey, Ross.” I waved as he got closer.

“I’m so glad you decided to come,” he said as he reached me.

“Listen, I’m not sure …” I started to repeat the million of excuses I had come up with when I had stood in my closet.

“Let me introduce you to everyone,” he said and grabbed my hand and led me over to the group. I felt faint butterflies in my stomach as our hands touched but quickly dismissed the feeling as just nerves. As soon as we reached the group, he dropped my hand and started pointing out different people in the group. Each person waved back, politely and went back to doing what they were doing. The only person I recognized was the surly young man named Zach from the local grocery store.

“Do you want anything to drink?” asked a slender girl in jeans and a slinky tank top.

“Sure.”

Were they even old enough to drink? But drinking would make this easier, right?

“I’m Mandy,” she said introducing herself to me as she handed me a beer. I’m sure that Ross had already mentioned her name, but I couldn’t remember. I settled in between Ross and Mandy and listen to the stories and music as I sipped on my beer.

“So, Jill, do you live here?” Mandy asked.

“Yea. I live in the house just over there.” I pointed in the general direction of the house.

“Oh, is that the place your uncle’s working on?” she asked Ross.

“Yea,” he replied, not paying attention to our conversation and returning to the conversation he was having with the dark-haired guy next to him, who, I thought, was named Mark.

“Do your parents own that place?”

It took me a minute to realize that Mandy was still addressing me. I nearly choked on my beer.

“No, no. I own that place.”

“Really?”

I wasn’t really sure how to reply. Did I tell her my dead husband gifted me the house as a surprise? Mandy didn’t give me the chance to reply.

“Do you live there all by yourself?”

“Yup.”

“It’s such a large place. Do you get lonely?” She was just full of questions.

“Sometimes.” I wasn’t sure how long this line of questioning would continue and how much longer I would continue to answer.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Mandy blurted out.

“No,” I whispered back.

She slid her eyes across to Ross and back at me. She must have thought there was something going on between us. I would need to assure her there was nothing but pity going on between us as soon as she let me speak.

“So you and Ross met while he was working on your house?”

“Correct.”

“Wait. Isn’t that the house … April, what did you tell me?” she shouted to the girl across the fire. “That’s right. Now I remember. April had told me how the owner of that house—I’m guessing, your husband—bought that house as a surprise. How romantic! What happened?” She had clearly never got the full story from April.

“He died,” I whispered.

Looking up I saw that all conversations had now stopped and all eyes were now clearly on me and my tragic reply.