Ruining You (17 page)

“Jay, wait...listen to me.
Please don’t leave.”

“What?”

“Let me take you out to
dinner. Just to eat. Take things as slow as you want.”

“Rhye, I don’t think I’m
ready for that.”

“Dinner, Jay. You have to
eat. I have to eat. We will just do it together.”

“Okay, but next week. Just
let me know what nights you don’t have a gig.”

“Alright, I’ll text you.”
When he pulls away, I’m able to get into my car and drive off. I’m suddenly
thankful that I only had two sips of beer so I can drive home. Lesson learned.

My phone chirps letting me
know I have voicemails, text message, or probably both. I decide to ignore them
until I get home.

Pulling into my driveway, I
groan when I see all the cars. Molly and Reed’s are parked side by side. Kane’s
silver Crossfire is behind them, and a red minivan is behind his. Are you
freaking kidding me? I almost turn to drive away when the front door opens and
everyone spills out. I step out of the car as Kane leads the angry mob towards
me.

“Where have you been, Jay?
This stupid shit like ignoring your phone has to stop,” he says, coming to
stand in front of me.

Letting my anger take over,
I push my index finger into his chest, “Really, Kane? Maybe you need to go back
to your fucking dates and quit pretending to worry about me.” We stare each
other down.

My mother walks up to us
both, oblivious to what is going on. “Jay, Mrs. Higgins and I were so worried
about where you were. I didn’t know what to do.”

Finally taking my eyes off
him, I glance over at my mother, “I texted you and told you not to worry. And
you promised me that you wouldn’t call him again.”

“Your mother didn’t call me.
I came by to talk with you, and you were missing.”

“For your information, I
wasn’t ‘missing’. I was...” I stop talking when he suddenly leans forward to
smell my hair.

“What the hell, Jay? Have
you been with that fucking wanna-be rock star getting high?” Roughly grabbing
my arms, he pulls me close like he is going to kiss me, but at the last moment,
he smells my breath. “And drinking? Are you kidding me?”

“That is none of your
business.”

“No, but it is mine, young
lady,” my mother snaps.

My words are for my mother,
but I direct them to Kane. “I did not get high, and I had two drinks of beer. I
needed a friend to talk to, one that was around and not too busy hanging out
with skanks in bars.”

“So he told you what? That
he has seen me out on dates? I told you first.” 

Glaring at him, I choose not
to reply.

“And are you shitting me?
One, I don’t hang out with skanks in bars, that would be your boy wheat bread
or whatever his name is. Second, I have all but begged you to call me if you
needed me, but you have something going on in that crazy head of yours that
makes you think you can’t. If I wanted out of your life, I wouldn’t keep coming
around like an idiot.”

“Why do you keep coming
around?”

He reacts like I have
slapped him.

“Good question,” he says,
turning to walk to his car.

“Kane, don’t leave,” my
mother says. “Jay, don’t let him leave mad.”

“You know, Rhye is right. It
was so much easier when I didn’t have to care about what everyone thought about
me.”

“Oh, that’s original,” Kane
says turning around and walking back to me. “Did he say that before you picked
up where you guys left off or after?”

“Are you serious, Kane?” I
don’t know if I am more hurt or pissed about what he just said.

“I don’t know, Jay. Are
you?” he says marching up in my face. “Are you serious about living your life
for you? Or do you need to make more empty promises that don’t mean shit? Are
you serious about moving on with your life and having a relationship with
someone that wants you to care about what you think of yourself? Who wants you
to learn to love yourself so that you can love him as much as he has come to
realize that he loves you?”

Nobody says a word. I think
everyone, especially me, is shocked into silence. The only sound is Kane’s
heavy breathing.

“Damn it, everything is
always so difficult with you. Nothing is ever easy or private,” he states
looking around at our small audience.

“Since Jay is home safe and
sound, I’m just going to leave now.” I turn to see Mrs. Higgins kindly smiling
at me. She turns to get into her minivan and backs out of the driveway.

“Wow, would you look at the
time. Molly and I have school tomorrow, so we are going to head out,” Reed
says, looking at his wrist that doesn’t even have a watch around it.

“No we don’t. Tomorrow is
Saturday,” Molly states in a daze as she dreamily looks at Kane and I.

“Yes, Saturday school,” Reed
says as he grabs her hand and leads her to her car.

My mother is the only one
left standing with us.

“Well, I’m just going to say
that I’m not happy with either one of you right now.”

Both of our heads swing in
question towards her.

“Jay, you have acted
immaturely today and very irresponsibly. Regardless if you have had a bad day
or not, the whole reason you have a cell phone is for us to be able to contact
each other. So, in the future, please don’t turn off or ignore your phone. You
need to act like an adult instead of a child.” Turning towards Kane, she says,
“And you, that wasn’t nice to point out past relationships. I can vouch for her
and say that, other than school, she doesn’t go out at all. You say you want to
be ‘just friends’, but she needs more from you.”

“Mom,” I start to say.

“Let me finish, Jay. When it
comes to you, Kane, she doesn’t know whether she is coming or going. If you
want to be with her, then make that choice. Otherwise, let someone else have
that spot. And I love my daughter, but she is slow on the uptake with you. You
are going to have to spell out exactly what you want. Okay, I’m finished. I’m
going back in to start dinner.” Walking by Kane, she pats his arm while glaring
at me.

“That was awkward,” I say
out loud.

“Yeah, your mom doesn’t pull
any punches.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I’m tired, Jay. I’m not
sure I want to talk about any of this anymore tonight.”

“I agree.”

Walking by him, I tug on his
shirt and pull him towards his car.

“I’m sorry. Look, nothing
happened with Rhye. I had a bad day, and my first thought was to get drunk or
high. When I finally had the chance, I turned it down. It wasn’t what I ended
up wanting, but if we are telling no lies, I have a dinner date with Rhye next
week.”

“And you want to go?”

“It’s not a relationship,
Kane.”

“But I’m asking if you want
to go?”

“Sure, why not,” I reply,
only because he has been on his dates.

Nodding his head, he finally
gets into his car. Before closing the door, he says one last thing, “Be safe.”

Watching him drive away, I
worry about how things will turn out. He’s right; nothing is ever easy with us.
Nothing is ever easy for me
.

For the entire next month, I
take time for me. No boys, no drama, and nothing but understanding what I want
from me. For me. I keep busy with my online school work and the two courses I’m
taking at the local college. I put Rhye’s offer for dinner on hold, but he
still texts me often. Kane is keeping his distance. He texts or calls about
once a week to check in. 

The only boys allowed in my
life are Eli and Cal. Eli has visited several times, and each time, he leaves
me feeling better emotionally. I told my mom that we should be paying him my
therapist fees. My mother and Molly have fallen head-over-heels in love with
him. They were both worried at first when they saw us together. I even heard
Molly mutter, “Not another one.” Eli and I burst out laughing, explaining that
I wasn’t his type.

Cal still visits every
Thursday after school. His mom drops him off for a couple hours, and we hang
out and play video games. We don’t talk about the accident or the future. It’s
a comfortable feeling of no expectations, but I know it won’t last forever.

My therapist tells me that
inner peace is everything, but for that to happen, I have to create some outer
peace in my life. Looking into the mirror, I don’t hate the girl I see anymore.
I feel sorry for her. Had things been different, she would have had an amazing
life. But the truth is that I still can have an amazing life, just not the same
one. My choice; my path to choose.

“Jay, Eli is here,” my
mother says from my bathroom door.

Looking at her reflection in
the mirror, I smile and say, “Can you send him up?”

“Sure, honey.”

Grabbing some lip gloss from
the counter, I swipe it against my lips.

“T-shirt, gym shorts, and
lipstick. Ooh, you got all dressed up for me,” Eli says, leaning against the
doorframe with his arms crossed.

“What are you doing here?”

“Just thought I would stop
by to see if you have a hot date tonight, and if not, to see if you wanted to
hang out.”

“I haven’t been on a date in
over five months.”

“Not because you haven’t
been asked. By the way, how are things going with Rhye?”

“He wants me to come out to
hear him play tonight.”

“What about Kane? Heard from
him lately?”

“Yeah, he called to see how
I was doing last week, but it was like a two minute conversation.” Walking past
him, I sit down cross-legged on my bed. “Eli, I don’t understand what he wants
from me. He hints about his feelings, but then, he goes on with his life
without me.”

“He’s a man, Jay. He is not
going to constantly talk about his feelings.”

“So, what? He dates other
girls to find out if really does love me? I don’t understand the logic behind
that.” My mom and I have told Eli everything Kane has said and done.

“No, I think he is saying
that he is giving you space so you can figure out what you want but that his
life will continue. And I’ve warned you before. You better hope he doesn’t meet
somebody that makes him forget about those silver eyes of yours. That’s a
chance you both take playing this game of yours.”

“I’ve told you that I know
he deserves better than me. Who would want to deal with me and my issues?”

“Someone that loves you,
Jay. That wants to be with you. If your past hadn’t happened, you probably
would never have met Kane. What are the chances that you would have been
sitting in that bar that fall day? Fate, divinity, whatever you want to call
it, brought you together.”

“So, what are you saying? I
had to go through hell to get a piece of heaven?”

Taking a deep breath, he
says, “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the
path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us.”

Staring into his sweet brown
eyes, I ask, “You believe that?”