River's Return (River's End Series, #3) (18 page)

Jack put his hand out, and Shane stared at it, confused at what he was doing. When he eventually realized he only wanted to shake his hand, Shane gingerly placed his palm on Jack’s. “I hope so. Thank you for telling me about Ben.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled as he turned away. Shane didn’t want Jack to know how confused his praise made him feel. 

Chapter Ten

ALLISON HAD TO STOP at her house to splash water on her face that was still hot and red with total humiliation. Jack caught her being groped. Outside. On their homestead. One of her students’ fathers. She was mortified with herself and Shane. And too ashamed to face either of them again. Still, she had dinner scheduled tonight. Putting on fresh makeup, she wove her hair into a braid and smoothed her clothes. She made sure nothing got on them while she was pressed against a working mechanic’s shop door. She saw no obvious grease or oil marks and shook her head. It was such a stupid thing to do.

They were meeting at River’s End Café. Casual. Easy. Not a date. She entered the small café and saw him seated at a window table. The river glimmered in the sun.

“Hello, Patrick.” He lifted his head at her quiet tone and they stared at one another. She finally dropped into the seat across from him.

“Hi, Allison,” he said solemnly, and his eyes glowed with kindness. Her lips trembled as she tried to muster a smile. But none came. His was no more than a watered-down version. He let out a deep breath. “This is so hard.”

“This isn’t hard, Patrick. You know that. This? Everything else is easy.” She raised her eyebrows as if goading him into an argument. He nodded. He understood. More than anyone.

He waved a hand towards her as if encompassing all of her top half. “You look good. This place seems to add more sparkle to your eye. Some of your old color seems to have returned.”

She glanced up from the menu, slightly startled. No, she felt no sparkle or color. Not from this place. 
Shane?
Maybe it was from getting caught nearly having sex by the parent of one of her students. That would add color to anyone’s visage.

The waitress came by and they ordered drinks, wine for both of them. They had the same tastes, the same interests and the same look. They were quiet, ordinary professionals, seeking only the average, typical benchmarks of life: a good job, a decent residence, marriage, kids. That’s why they got married.

Patrick glanced out over the view. “How was yesterday?”

“As bad as always.”

“Me too.”

“I know that.” She touched his hand. She really did get it.

He clutched her fingers in his. “I have to tell you something.”

“Yes, I figured by you making the trip here.”

“Sandy’s pregnant.” He said it quickly, but his touch was soft as he kept rubbing her fingers. She briefly shut her eyes at the stabbing pain and jealousy. Then she opened them.

“I figured that. You’ve been married two years. It’s time, right?”

“I think so.” He shrugged. “I don’t know that for sure yet, Allison. It's—not easy.”

She wanted him to be less of a nice person. He should’ve come here gloating. Or not come at all. He should not have cared how his actions ripped through her. But she’d known Patrick for ten years, and she knew how much he cared and meant this.

Their meals came and they started eating as a quiet that only they understood fell between them. It felt restful and was mutually needed. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he finally said after ten minutes of unbroken silence.

“I know that.”

“We just—”

“You deserve a family. Kids. It’s okay, Patrick. I get it. It was never in the cards for us.”

“But it should have been.”

She nodded. Gripping each other’s hands, they stared with solemn faces at each other. Finally, water filled her eyes and slipped over. “I am very happy for you.”

He sniffed, now dangerously close to tears. “I wish you had someone. I wish I could—”

“Don’t. Please.” He nodded, instantly understanding. “Thank Sandy for letting you come here to tell me. Tell her, too, that I wish her well and offer my sincere congratulations.”

He nodded. “I will. She’ll appreciate that.”

“At least, you picked someone I like.”

“Damn, Allison. It’s so hard.”

“To move on? Yes. But it was worse being together, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. But I had so many dreams. I wanted so much with you. I can’t believe…”

“Don’t, please,” she begged softly, shaking her head. “Just don’t.”

She closed her eyes and took in a breath to steady her aching heart, while squelching the urge to burst into sobbing tears.

“Well, well, if it isn’t teacher here, enjoyin’ the ambiance.”  Hearing Shane’s voice interrupted her, however. Her eyelids flew open and she found herself staring up at him. Shane flashed an insincere, almost smarmy glance at her.

Patrick’s mouth dropped open as he looked up, and then up some more, taking in the whole package that was Shane Rydell. Allison was kind of growing used to him, but watching Patrick’s reaction, she realized how much shock she probably exhibited when she first met him too. He was just so
big
. The disreputable appearance and biker apparel were definitely noticeable and a bit intimidating, but his sheer height and girth were downright overwhelming.

What the hell was Shane doing here?

Grabbing a nearby chair, Shane twisted it around backwards and straddled it, as if he were joining them. She ground her teeth together, nearly seething.
What did he think he was doing?

“So you’re the teacher’s ex, huh?”

Patrick glanced at Allison for help, but she merely sighed and rolled her eyes. “Patrick, this is Shane Rydell. His nephew is in my class, and I tutor his sister-in-law.”

“Oh, come on now, red. I’m a little more than
that
to you.” Shane’s grin nearly made Allison slam her fist into it. Patrick’s eyes bugged as he glanced at her and then at him. Shane never once called her
red.
Of course, Shane called her that just to prove they had some kind of artificial relationship, which they didn’t have. Not even close.

“Shane, not now,” she hissed between her clenched teeth while staring down at her lap. It was too much. She could not do that right now. Still reeling from Patrick’s news, even though she expected it, the shock was finally setting in. She felt emotional and hurting from yesterday; and now this? No. She lacked any energy for whatever charade Shane was putting on. She could not even comprehend why he would do it.

Leaning in, Shane wrapped his arm around Allison’s shoulders and asked, “So what are you doing in town here? Can’t be close to… wait. Where are you two from?”

“Tacoma,” Patrick replied.

She nearly rolled her eyes because Shane damn well remembered where she said she was from. It was the third largest city in the state. Like he could forget that.

“Well, see? Not very close. What brings you here?”

Patrick glanced at her, but she kept her mouth shut and shook her head. Then she pushed her meal away. “I think I might just go home. Come by before you leave tomorrow, okay?”

Shane’s mouth dropped open and his face contorted as he tried to come up with a witty, outrageous comment or protest. Patrick just patted her knuckles and said quickly, “You should. I’ll see you then. I know how hard this was. Again, I’m sorry. Okay?”

She nodded, staring out the window as Patrick, subtle, kind, and never failing to pick up on her cues, discreetly exited without further ado. He understood why she wasn’t up to anything. Nothing. Not after his news. She kept her gaze pinned on the river. She had nothing to say. The reason for Shane’s appearance and his obnoxious demeanor were incomprehensible to her.

“What’s the deal with you two? He looks like nothing. He’s losing his hair. A quiet, mousey man. And that’s who you’re wasting away over? Come on. Live, move on. Throw me in his face. Make him seethe with jealousy when he realizes what he gave up. Don’t mope over that pasty-faced mouse.”

She shook her head. He didn’t know, of course, what he was saying, or who he was talking about. On one level, she almost appreciated what he was trying to do for her. He thought she was heartbroken and abandoned. The poor, little woman left behind. He wanted her to get mad at Patrick, or get even, and flaunt her wild, crazy, hot new lover. For Shane was all that and more. But the thing was, nothing was as Shane perceived.

“He’s done nothing to me.”

“Yeah? Coming here after all this time? And upsetting you so much? Can’t be all that great a guy.”

“He didn’t come here to upset me.”

“Then why?”

“To tell me his wife is pregnant.”

“Why the hell would you need to be told that?”

“Because it hurts me.”

“There again. That’s why you need to—”

“Shane, why did you come here? And do this? It was uncalled for; and it’s obnoxious, actually. We had sex on one night.”

“Three times,” he interrupted.

“Three times. Yes. But that does not make you my boyfriend.”

“Well, seems like maybe we should talk about that. Got my ass reamed out by Jack. He thinks I’m going to hurt you, or whatever, and then you won’t tutor Erin anymore. I guess there might be some ethics involved, y’know, because of Charlie and all.”

“There are. I shouldn’t have been caught in such a compromising position on Jack’s land. That was totally unprofessional of me. It won’t happen again. But no matter what happens with us, I’d never let it affect my work with Erin, or with Charlie.”

“That’s what I told him.”

“So… you came here to… what? Piss a circle around me?”

He shrugged and his gaze skittered off. “Seems like I’m somehow getting cast as the main source of your embarrassment here. I just don’t appreciate it.”

“I’m not embarrassed by you. I just didn’t want Jack, one of my students’ parents, seeing my naked tits while you were busy kissing them.”

His face went from looking annoyed to shocked before his whole expression turned to embarrassment. “Oh. Makes sense.”

“Yes, it does. As does most of what I do and say.” She pushed her seat back and stood up. Patrick had paid the check on his way out. She grabbed her purse and started for the door. Shane followed her.

“Allison, wait. Please.”

“No. Not tonight. I’m really tired and I need to go home.”

“And what? Feel sad over that pencil-faced nerd?”

“He’s neither of those things.”

“Why do you defend him? Why would he come here just to rub your nose in his new life? And why do you let him? And most of all, why are you offended when I try to show him that you too have a new life?”

“Because I don’t have a new life,” she said softly. The finality in her voice tried to convey how real that fact was for her. She shook her head. “You just don’t get it.”

“Okay, enlighten me then. What do you two still share that’s so freakin’ holy? So much that he has to come all the way over here to tell you he’s knocked up his replacement wife?”

“Respect. He did it out of respect.”

“Not too respectful to bang another lady that ain’t your wife and get her pregnant.”

“Not from respect for me, Shane.” She ran her hand through her hair in stress, and finally snapped, “Respect for our daughter. He came to talk to me out of respect for our daughter. Now please, I need to go.”

She slammed her car door, and tears filled her eyes and blurred her vision. She didn’t look back again. 

Chapter Eleven

SHANE STARED AFTER HER car. Nothing. There was no thought. Shock? Yes. Horror? Of course. Then sickness. The latest revelation congealed in his stomach, leaving him nauseous.
Daughter?
Fuck! No. He didn’t know. He had no idea. None. She never talked about or acted like there was a huge, gaping hole in her life, or history. No one knew about a daughter, of that, he was sure. The only inkling Shane had of anything in Allison’s life was what he saw yesterday. Allison surrounded by broken plates, crying hysterically, and begging him to make this day feel better.

This day being… what? He thought it was their divorce date, or their anniversary date. But now he knew in his gut, the date was related to their daughter. A birth date? A death date? What? He glanced around, but found no answers, of course. He didn’t know what to do. His first inclination was to hide in the River’s Brewery, a small tavern where he spent many happy afternoons. He wanted to go there now. He needed a stiff drink. He could grab his bike and just leave; and let it alone. He’d never have to hear about the sickening past that Allison hid.

He wanted Allison to be the way she used to be. A fun, pretty, entertaining, and challenging woman that he could hang out with, sleep with even, for a few months maybe. He was perfectly willing to confine his carnal activities to her exclusively, since he already knew infidelity was a deal breaker with her. He just figured out that yeah, after last night, he wanted to see Allison and
only
Allison. He wanted… to date her.
For a few months
. Maybe even all summer. It might be fun to stay here that long. He liked the summers here. The hot weather sometimes got kind of annoying, but the long days made up for it. They were exhilarating. He made up his mind today to spend his summer with Allison.

But now? It was a whole different dimension. He once thought having a fling with him would even help Allison get over what, he believed, she was suffering from: heartbreak over being dumped.
Not
… He shuddered.
Not this.
He didn’t have the slightest clue of what to say to her.

Kicking at the gravel, he could not find anything to say. She wouldn’t have been too surprised if he never came around again. In fact, no one would have been.

But Shane could not ignore or forget the look on her face. It was… so wrong. He saw pain. And she was now home, alone with that pain. Just like yesterday. No. He could not abandon her now. Maybe he wasn’t the emotional pussy he always thought he was.

Hopping onto his bike, within minutes he was weaving through the side streets of River’s End before pulling into her driveway. The neighborhood was unusually silent. He saw the lace over Celia’s front window twitch, and figured she must’ve recognized the sound of his bike. His gut churned and he felt the stirring of something new. Something that made him feel bad. Guilt? Remorse? But was it towards Celia? Or Jett? Allison’s words about the situation suddenly had new meaning for him. Maybe he should have cared more that he was sleeping with a married woman since he wasn’t in love with her. Maybe even that would have been more excusable, like there was a justifiable reason. But to commit adultery just for kicks? He realized now, that wasn’t nearly a compelling enough excuse. He was surprised Allison even continued to call him her friend after realizing the implications of it.

He took his helmet off and hung it on the handle bars. His heart twisted with anguish before he even made it to her front door.
Daughter
. The word kept chanting in his mind.

He knocked. No answer. He rang the bell. No answer. No sound of it even. She had no garage and her car was parked in its usual spot out front. He should just leave. Usually, under normal circumstances, he would’ve hightailed it out of there. Whoever wasn’t answering didn’t want to see him. He easily accepted that as a viable decision. However, he could not handle leaving Allison alone with the conflicting, unmasked emotions he saw on her face.

He trotted to the side of the house and flung his legs over the little, decorative, half-gate and crossed the backyard to her sliding door. He peeked in and pulled on the handle, which released. Heaving a sigh of relief, since it was one less problem and he could get in, he crossed the threshold and went to the stairs. She was nowhere on the first floor. He stopped outside her bedroom and her door was open. He had no doubt she wasn’t expecting anyone, as she lived alone. He feared he might scare the living daylights out of her, but there was no other choice in his eyes. He
had
to see her, and sincerely believed she needed to see him too.

Lying on top of the bedspread, on her side, her head resting on one of the decorative pillows, she seemed to be just staring out the window. There was no sound and no crying.

His heart did something it never did before. It swelled so much, he worried it might strangle him. It definitely affected his breathing. He felt an overwhelming sense of protectiveness and tenderness toward Allison. She suddenly became the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Every single part of her. Her hair looked so bright and thick. It was almost as big as his fist when she pulled it back in a ponytail. He studied how her hips curved up before tapering in at her waist. And the way her neck exposed a spray of freckles that dusted up around her ear.

He stepped into the bedroom almost silently and came to the bed. He began to lean on it and when his weight depressed the mattress, Allison flipped over with a startled shriek. She instantly recognized him, of course, and became deathly silent. She stared at him as he did her. They didn’t move. Her eyes were huge, round coins. Tears had recently washed them. She started shaking her head no, before sagging and falling back on the bed. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, ignoring her protest as he pulled her back against him. He kissed the top of her head. Her hair was thick and coarse under his lips. It smelled like a high-end salon. She didn’t use fruity, or flower-scented products. His hand felt her flat stomach and the slight tremors of her body.

They lay there forever. An hour might have actually passed as the light outside started to fade. Neither of them moved. He could feel her tears when they fell on his shoulder where her head lay cradled.

Finally, he leaned in to kiss her cheek, and as his mouth hovered there, he whispered, “What was your daughter’s name, Allison?”

Her body started to shake and tremble again. She moaned and her cries became more vocal. Eventually, she gasped out, “Gabrielle. Her name was Gabrielle.”

She cried for another fifteen minutes before he gently asked, “Do you want to tell me about her?”

“I don’t know how,” she whispered back. “I don’t know how to casually talk about her. That’s why I don’t. I can’t. I—I can’t do it. I don’t know what to say.” She started to cry again.

“What was yesterday?”

“She would have been four years old.”

“How long did you have her?”

“I didn’t.” She suddenly turned towards him, pressing her face tightly against his collarbone. Her entire body seemed to be plastered over him. He had no idea what she meant. He let her cry, and did not press the issue. He got it. He was pretty sure his entire body went numb too, at witnessing her unrestrained grief. Knowing her daughter would have been four changed everything. And it changed nothing. Now, while lying there and holding her, he knew why everything about her seemed so different. He was
supposed
to be here. He knew it with a surety he never experienced in his life before. All his traveling. All his comings and goings. All his restlessness. All his shenanigans. All the women. All the partying. Everything he ever did was leading to him being right here. He had to be right here, right now, for Allison Gray. There was no other woman who could capture his heart. Not even his friendship. Just Allison. And Shane now believed that everything that ever happened up until that moment was a kind of preparation for him to eventually be with her.

Few women understood him. Most accused him of being shallow, emotionally unavailable, or a commitment phobe. Shane was none of those; he simply never had a compelling reason to be monogamous. Shane’s lifestyle made sense to him and he never did anything unless it made sense to him.

Being with Allison, however, was the reason for his entire existence. Now his life made more sense. He was put here solely to be with her. To help her. To hold her. To love her.

He felt very strange and that feeling overtook his entire body. His heart seemed to slow and expand. His blood rushed a little slower, and smoother. There were no happy rainbows in the sky, but he was pretty sure he was falling in love. If not love, then a sense of complete belonging. Of learning his purpose and finding his point in life. He was, at last, exactly in the place where he was supposed to be.

His mission was to help Allison heal. Right now, it was still too overwhelming for her. He held her tighter and allowed her to take all the time she needed.

Eventually she shifted in his arms and he sensed she was ready to start talking. “She died. Even before she came out of me.” She spoke the words only after a long pause of silence between them. They were curled into each other’s bodies, and their hands felt warm to the other.

Stillborn
. Damn, he didn’t expect that.

“Why are you here?” she whispered.

“For you,” he stated simply, now very sure of his reason. That was the only reason for anything in his life now. But she didn’t need to totally comprehend that small detail yet. He assumed she needed far longer than he to come to the same conclusion. He was ready to wait. Few people knew how patient he could be, if he had a good enough reason.

“Have you ever held a dead baby?” Her voice was clinical and detached. Like a professor proving a theorem to a geometry class.

He moved his hands so they were on her back, and nearly spanned the entire surface of it. She relished the heat of his hands, and his reassurance. That’s all he could give her. He accepted it, so it had to be enough. That must be his point now.

“No, honey, I haven’t.” He kissed her temple where her head lay beside his, almost buried in the crook of his arm and neck.

“Have you ever seen one?”

“No.”

“They look so perfect. The tiny body is so perfectly formed. Fragile. It’s all right there, in flesh and bones; and you realize what a miracle that a perfect, miniature, baby girl with closed eyes, and the softest, most delicate eyelashes… They looked like little half-moons over her eyelids. My baby… my little Gabrielle, had a shock of red hair just above her forehead,” Allison said before her voice began trembling. A sob escaped her mouth.

“What I didn’t expect, Shane, was the silence. It’s… otherworldly. Here is this perfectly formed baby that you just gave birth to. Right there. She came out of my body and then… nothing. Nothing happened. The doctors and nurses worked in compatible, but cruel silence. We were all silent. And the baby was silent. Did you know your eardrum will rupture if it’s exposed to sounds of a hundred and sixty decibels? That silence was deafening like that. It hurt my ears like the loudest noise of my entire life. I thought… for a few minutes, I thought I would really go crazy. I couldn’t fucking stand it.
Silence.
Total and utter silence.
Cry. Damn it! Cry!
I wanted to scream and scream and scream,
please, fucking just cry, my little baby.
Prove them all wrong. They
had
to be wrong. But no, no, of course, they weren’t wrong. Of course, the doctor didn’t miss my baby’s heartbeat since she had none. Naturally, the only explanation was that I just gave birth to a dead baby girl.

“Then, they handed me this baby, my own baby, all bundled up in pink and wearing a little hat. Yes, the coloring was off. But I swear to God, I stared and stared and stared at her, willing her to live, begging her lungs to just start rising and falling. It should have worked. She seemed to just be sleeping. I felt under her nose, looking, searching, and needing to detect her breath.
Breathe
. I mean, who thinks about it? It’s so easy, and everyone just does it. Up and down the lungs go. And yet… nothing. There was no breath from my baby. You can’t imagine how wrong that feels.”

He tightened his arms around her. Shane never thought about the subject before. To be honest, he knew of some neighbors who lived a few miles down the road that had a stillborn son several years ago. He remembered the twinge of mortality he felt when he thought,
shit that’s too bad for them.
But he never took the next step and tried to imagine what it must’ve looked like. And how it must’ve felt.

Now that Allison was talking, it seemed like she needed to purge her confession and get it out. Shane didn’t feel like she expected him to comment. He got that. He was simply being asked to listen to what she had to say, and understand what real pain felt like.

“She was almost full term. She wasn’t even a high risk baby. She was alive… and then not. I don’t know exactly when she actually died. I remember not feeling her move, so we went to the doctor. I never, not for even a second, could anticipate what happened. But there was no more heartbeat. Nothing. She was silent. Silent inside me. Silent outside me. The umbilical cord got a true knot in it and then tightened enough to cut off her oxygen and nutrients. I was told it was extremely rare and especially to happen before labor started. I had to… I had to still give birth to her like she was a live baby. I had to endure exactly what a normal, healthy newborn and mother go though. Hours of labor, and unbearable pain. The only concession was being doped up on a cocktail of drugs to help reduce the pain. I mean, it wasn’t like I could hurt my baby anymore now, was it? I had already killed her. I was so doped up on narcotics during the birth, it’s pretty hazy for me to remember.