River's Return (River's End Series, #3) (19 page)

“So they put a flower on the doorknob of my hospital room. I think it was to inform everyone who entered our room that this was not a happy, normal birth. Everyone that we came into contact with was hushed and solemn. The way they talked to me made me wonder if I were in the library, or they just thought I was mentally slow. Everyone is quiet. That kind of quiet stuck with me.

“When my milk came in, I tried to banish the thought that it was a useless waste. It would never nourish my child. I still had to heal and I hurt and ached from the delivery. Three days later, when most parents are happily going home with their newborns, and complaining of their lack of sleep, we were burying our baby.”

Her entire body wracked with gut-wrenching sobs. Shane swung her over him, lying flat on the bed with her on top of him. She wrapped her arms around his neck as she helplessly hiccupped and sobbed. Her tears soaked him, and the sound of her sobs tore through him. Her cries were as otherworldly and painful as the tortuous silence she described.

“Here we were, after just giving birth and of course, most parents expect to be overwhelmed with changing diapers and feedings and safely attaching the infant car seat. But instead… oh God, instead, we were inundated with people who were all hushed and sorry as they tentatively asked, Did we want to cremate our daughter? Or bury her? Who thinks to ask that? Who has any fucking clue what they want to do with their baby’s body? Naturally, we had to
discuss
it. Decide what to do. That was the cruelest joke to ever play on new, grieving parents.

“We chose to bury her near my aunt. There was no one else, just a distant aunt. We laid her to rest four days after her heart stopped. You can’t imagine how small her casket was... It was no bigger than a little doll’s cradle. It felt… unreal. So unreal.

“And afterwards… what? What do you do? Everything went to shit. There was nothing to do. We had a house full of baby things and a painted nursery. Cribs. Clothes. Toys. Stuffed animals. All sitting there, waiting for her, forever empty and devoid of her presence. We just stared at each other, and cried and cried. Then… we did nothing. People soon started asking when would we
try
again? I walked out on a class when another teacher asked me that. As if we had a simple miscarriage. We could, what? Wait the six weeks that they recommended after a miscarriage and just go for it all over again? Ours was like no other grief in the world. She was our child. Our daughter. But we never got to even see her flutter her eyelashes. I couldn’t even have one day with her. Or an hour. I would have cherished even a single hour with her. But I got nothing. I lost a whole lifetime, I missed out on all of her birthdays. I grieve for every single thing she’ll never know, or miss, or ever dream about. But do you know what the cruelest part is? Most people don’t really think you lost a child. It’s almost a relief to them when I say I lost her in childbirth. They sigh and tell me,
at least, I didn’t lose my baby to SIDS, or a car accident.
‘Oh good,’ they say, since I didn’t ever get to know her before I lost her.

“But I held her. I held her in my arms, Shane. She stayed next to me for an entire night. I have her picture. I know she existed. How can anyone just forget that? It doesn’t ever vanish. You can’t just erase her like she never happened. But people can’t even give me the respect and time I deserve to fucking grieve.”

“Is that why you never told anyone here?”

Her shoulders moved up and down. “Maybe. What’s the point? Who would understand? Some of them might look at me like
get over it
. Is that what you think?”

“No. Not at all.” He felt her lungs exhale, seemingly in relief at his answer.

“Patrick and I tried again. We really did, but the grief I felt was intolerable at times, and cut me in half. It came between us in ways we couldn’t seem to solve. We were still married when I first came to River’s End. I ran. I left. He was stuck with the house and all the reminders of our pink fantasy. I never wanted to see any of it again. So I came here. He found Sandy and tried to move on. I can’t really fault him for that. He… he loved me, Shane. I mean, we loved each other. We were fully intending to start a family, raise kids, and keep our jobs… all that ordinary stuff. We were going to do it. Together. And then, in one horrible moment, it all crumbled.”

Shane shut his eyes while taking a long, deep breath. It horrified him to realize how he had treated the man she suffered so much with. The man who came to see her in grim acknowledgement of the life they created and lost together. Shane appreciated the respect he showed her while trying to convey the news he was having another child with as little pain as possible.

“He cared as much and hurt as deeply as me. We lost a daughter together, and our grief ripped us apart. So you see? Revenge or jealousy don’t apply to us. What we suffered created a bond so much deeper, it goes beyond that. Yet, it also destroyed what we once had. When we both agreed we could not get it back, it was kinder, gentler, and less cruel to let it all go.”

“I thought…”

A small, tiny laugh escaped her mouth. “There is no mistaking what you thought.”

He softly replied, “I didn’t understand. I’m sorry. For all of it.”

She shrugged her shoulders under his hands. “I know. You couldn’t have known. But… why were you acting almost jealous?”

“Because I was,” he said simply. He was being honest and open with a female that he was sleeping with for the first time in his life. Why shouldn’t he? She just exposed her entire soul. He wanted to give her something back. But he knew there was no way she was ready for that from him.

“You don’t get jealous.”

“Well, I do now.”

She slid up and her mouth just barely touched his chin. She kissed it. “I didn’t expect to ever tell you.”

He took her chin in his hand and stared hard into her eyes. “I’m glad you did.”

“No one can be glad to hear that.”

“No. But I’m glad to be the person you chose to tell. The person who is here with you now.” Her eyebrows shifted down. He was confusing her. She didn’t know what to make of his statement, and he couldn’t let go of her stare.

She shifted her legs until she was straddling him. His stupid, immature dick missed the memo that said this was a very serious and heartfelt conversation. His dick had no business reacting on such a basic level when it started to harden, and he could not pry his eyes off her as she squirmed around. No. Not now. He was here to hold her. To care for Allison. Not…

Unexpectedly, she began kissing his mouth. Her kiss was soft and sweet as she cupped his face. She touched his chin, and outlined his mouth. He finally let his lips fall open when the very tip of her tongue oh-so-softly licked the seam of his mouth as if asking to gain entrance. He groaned as he shifted his arms before bringing her closer and tighter to his chest.

She seemed to like it. Her body was over his and she was kissing him. He was shocked, and did not expect that. Not after what she said in this room; although there seemed to be something tender and almost needy in her touch.

He just barely separated their mouths and held her face so he could look into her eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She slowly slid off his chest until she was upright, and sitting on him. She tugged her shirt up and over her head. Her hands sought his and she pushed it towards his neck, where he grabbed his shirt and took it off. She followed the outline of the bike tattoo with one finger. “Where did you get this done?”

“New Mexico. Every year I went back for a little more. Same guy. Took almost four years.”

“You’ve lived a very different life than I have,” she said, staring at her hand and not at his gaze, which was intense on her.

“I know we have.”

“We don’t match.”

“Not at all.”

She was biting her lip. Her eyes were dry and she seemed unsure how to say something. “I—I feel completely frumpy and uncool around you.”

“I feel completely boorish and uneducated with you.”

Her eyes sought his. He shrugged and smiled with chagrin. “I don’t want you to feel that way with me. I find you interesting and you’re the only one who can verbally spar with me in a way that I consider even remotely engaging.”

“I don’t want you to feel uncool with me,” he countered.

“And frumpy,” she added.

He shook his head and ran his hand over her bra strap as he spoke, “I only wish you saw what I see when I look at you. I see every attractive, sexy attribute I could want in a woman. Inside and out.”

“I don’t know why I want you here. It confuses me.”

“Good, because I’m confused why I want to be here.”

“But you want to be?”

“Yes.”

“Even after… this?”

His heart squeezed at her unsure, soft statement as her gaze skittered off in all different directions. “I want to be here even more because of this. I can’t stand to know you’re hurting.”

“You can’t stop it.”

He shrugged. “But I can understand it. And I can be here.”

She scoffed. “For how long, Shane? How long before you’re off on one of those infamous bike trips? Wait. Are you part of a motorcycle gang or anything?”

“If I am, are you done with me?”

Her eyes grew big and fearful as she visibly swallowed. “Uh. I don’t know. It would scare me.”

He smiled. “No. I’m not. I’m not a joiner of anything. Especially, gangs. I have friends who are in them though. I have friends in rival gangs actually. Some you would probably turn your nose up at, but they’d lay down their lives for me if I asked.”

Her nose crinkled up. “You’re not… doing anything that would give you need to ask, are you?”

“No. No drugs. No crimes. I simply like to take off. I know a lot of people and stay with them sometimes. I drink. I won’t lie about it. I go off and live in ways I’m sure you’d probably disapprove of. But I don’t do anything that’s particularly dangerous or illegal.”

“There are rumors…”

“I won’t hurt you, Allison,” he said softly as he brushed through the ends of her hair. For the first time, perhaps in his whole life, he was sure of that one thing.

She frowned and shook her head. “I didn’t say you would.”

“You want to know if I’m going to disappear someday, or be hauled away to jail. I won’t be.”

“You do get how epically mismatched we are.”

“I get that.” He nodded and she nodded back. He had no idea where that left them. But when she slid her hands up his chest and leaned her head down, a jolt of joy traveled over his skin at the sensation of her silky tongue on his chest.

“Make me feel better,” she mumbled as she kissed him. At least, he was sure he could do that one thing for her.

Chapter Twelve

SHANE LEFT ALLISON ASLEEP and snuck off to get his bike. He quickly made his way to the motel in town, hoping Patrick would still be there. It was early morning when he pounded on the door. Patrick answered the door, dressed in boxers and a t-shirt; he had pale, skinny legs. His eyes widened when he realized it was Shane knocking. He started to step back and shut it, but Shane said, “I’m sorry. About yesterday. Wait. Please, man. Hear me out.”

Patrick scowled at him, but held the door partially open. “What do you want?’

“I’m sorry. About yesterday. I didn’t know… about what happened. Can I buy you a coffee?” Shane pushed his hands into his jean pockets. He was wearing the same clothes as last night and his hair was messed up from spending the night with Allison. He needed a shower and some sleep. They made love three times. He’d been awake the rest of the night holding her. Thinking about her. And why he called it “making love” in his head. He never, ever used that term for it and wasn’t sure what to conclude from that fact. He was now
thinking
like that.

Patrick shut the door and came out a few minutes later, dressed quickly and casual. They grabbed coffee from a stand in the parking lot and sat down at picnic table. It promised to be sunny, but it was cool still outside.

He blew on the hot brew. “She told me about Gabrielle.”

Patrick winced and nodded. “Are you her boyfriend? Pardon me, but I just don’t see it.”

“I know,” Shane sighed. He felt depressed, thinking that would be everyone’s reaction, including Allison’s, to him. “I’m thinking about trying to, you know, appear more like you guys. Not so… so much.”

“I figured you for a bad mistake.”

“Might be that too,” Shane grumbled. “Look, I was a total ass. And you coming here to tell her and help her through the…”
Shit!
What should he call it? Birth date? Death date? They were the same fucking date. It hammered home again what these two had to endure.

“Yes. I know what you’re saying, Shane.”

“Yes, anyway. It was shitty of me, and I’m sorry. Really sorry. For all of it.”

Patrick eyed him. “Okay. Thank you. You didn’t have to come find me to say so.”

“You’re important to her. I get that now. I get why. If things go forward, she’ll want to see you. I didn’t want it to be awkward for her. Or for us.”

“What do you foresee happening?”

He understood Patrick’s suspicion. The way he came off, how noticeably different they were… and well, hell! He was the least likely boyfriend material for most any girl, but especially a woman who taught fifth grade.

“I just don’t want anything to be harder for her than it has to be. Not if I can do something to ease it. I was hoping you’d work with me here and give me a second chance. You’re important to her. I assume you’ll be back regularly to check on her.”

Patrick stared down at his coffee cup. Picking at the plastic lid, he admitted, “I love her. Still. Maybe not the way we started, but I will always love her. She suffered a lot, Shane. I just don’t want her to suffer anymore unnecessarily. So be careful with her. Please.”

“Did you move past it?” Shane asked spontaneously.

He glanced up, his eyebrows rising in surprise. “No. I mean, I learned how to function in the world after it happened. But no. It still hurts me.”

Shane nodded as silence fell between them. When they got up to leave, he put his hand out and so did Patrick. They shook hands and nodded in tacit understanding. “Take care of her, Shane. If you mean that.”

“I do. I will, and the same goes for you.”

Strangely, as he watched Patrick walk away, he saw his shoulders slump. Shane had a feeling it hurt him not only to talk about what happened but also letting Allison go. He felt a sick knot forming in his stomach. But he was sure he’d done the right thing. One less source of stress. He could get along with her ex. Now, he just had to convince Allison he could get along with her. Long term.

****

Shane was gone when she woke up for work the next morning. It was a strange feeling that seemed to flood her whole body: disappointment. Where would Shane be at six-thirty in the morning? She felt a little… used. Or vulnerable. And now he wasn’t there. She shook her head and swung her legs towards the floor. What did she expect? To be suddenly different for Shane just because she told him a sad story? He didn’t spend the night. He didn’t do relationships. She didn’t want him to either. She no longer really
did
relationships. Something felt hollow and empty this morning. Mostly, from the emotions of getting through Gabrielle’s birthday and seeing Patrick, and then Shane’s shocking appearance. And even more startling was how easily she could tell her story to him. He interjected using just the right tone of voice and just often enough. He held her. He let her cry. He was strangely… perfect.

So she knew what was wrong this morning. It was the same lingering sadness that affected most of her days. It was something she could not shake. But it wasn’t longing for a man whom she didn’t really know, or have any kind of lasting potential with.

Dissatisfied, annoyed, and with lingering anger, she got up and started to yet again prepare for another day. She’d go through all the motions until the end of it when she would sadly wonder what the hell the point was. She rarely felt much motivation. Or satisfaction. Or happiness. Or even interest. It was as if all the purpose and joy from her life were snuffed out into the darkness and silence that was all Gabrielle ever knew in her non-existent life.

Today, however, she would help Erin and that always pricked her interest. While there, she had a very good chance of running into Shane. She immediately banished that thought and reminded herself she was not interested in him. It would only cause awkward disappointment if she wished to see Shane. They had sex a few times, and he was extremely interested in her history. That was surprising if one judged him at first glance. But after spending so much time with him, she realized it wasn’t such a shock. He was very generous to the few he cared about.

Coming down the stairs, she stopped dead when she found Shane all dressed and standing in her kitchen. He was waiting for the toaster to pop up. She paused on the stairs, but he turned when he heard her. His smile was bright enough to light up all the dark corners that were usually considered her heart. “Morning, teacher. ‘Fraid I was going to have to come wake you up.”

She nearly scratched her head in confusion. He made her breakfast? He caught her almost dazed look as she slipped into the kitchen chair before he brought a plate with buttered toast on it. He freaking noticed what she ate every morning? She tilted her head and considered she really had to stop judging Shane by his appearance. Or his reputation. She just might have to start seeing him for who he was to her and with her.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. He reached over and squeezed her shoulder. She glanced up at him. His kindness and the gesture made tears swim in her eyes.

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Hey, you’re welcome, teacher. It’s nothin’.”

“It’s not nothing. Your being here, I mean.” No, it was
something.
She and everyone else had dismissed Shane for so long, even he didn’t have a clue how
nice
he could be.

He left and came back, pouring her some coffee before sitting down next to her.

“Don’t you want any?”

“Nah. I already had some.”

She smiled finally and he returned it with a small, sweet smile.

****

Shane left to work in the shop, but not before peppering several lingering kisses on her lips that soon had her insides coiling up with heat. He finally disentangled himself long enough to leave. She was just about to step out the door when Patrick showed up. She sighed, bracing herself for his inquiry about what the hell she was doing with the Neanderthal who appeared at dinner last night? How could she possibly explain he was really everything opposite of that?

“Hey, Patrick,” she said, opening up the door. He stepped in and kissed her cheek.

“How are you?”

“Surprisingly? I’m okay this morning.”

“Because of Shane?”

She physically stepped back with surprise. “Shane? I thought you’d be here, ready to completely ream my ass about him. I know he came off like a barbaric, jealous ass but—”

“He came to see me.”

She stopped talking, her mouth still open. “Wait? When? How?
Why?
”

He laughed. “Yeah, I think that’s how Shane’s actions are. Shocking and big. Anyway, first thing this morning, he woke me up by pounding on my motel room door. He wanted to apologize for how he acted. He wanted… hell, Allison, I think he was smoothing things over so it would be easier to date you.”

“No. We—we aren’t
dating.
”

“Are you sure about that? Have you informed him? He was contrite, and sorry about Gabrielle. He wanted to make sure I knew he’d never again pose a problem for me. He assumed I’d always be in the picture, correctly, of course. Because I will always check up on you.”

“He wanted to make nice with my ex?” Her eyebrows were jutting into her hairline. This was not what she expected. She thought Shane ducked out sometime in the night to avoid the morning after. Turns out he went to make things better for her with someone she cared about and then he came home and made her breakfast. She almost sat down from the shock of who Shane was becoming.

“I have no idea what to say. This—he is very new. I mean like
days
old. I don’t know. Anything. I don’t know what to say.”

Patrick grinned. “Sounds like you’d better figure that out pretty quick. I think the guy’s gone serious about you.”

No. There was just no way. She felt her breathing speed up. Dizziness start to sweep through her head. She had no idea what she thought, or felt about Shane… well, she didn’t even know what Shane was doing.

“He doesn’t look a thing like what I’d expect for you. But you know that already. And maybe that’s what you need,” Patrick said gently when she didn’t reply.

“Me? Need Shane?” There was no way she needed someone like Shane in her life.

“I don’t know, Allison. I just know what you’ve been doing to date hasn’t worked.” His voice was kind, but firm. Was he saying he approved of Shane?
For her?
It seemed a crazy thing to contemplate.

Patrick sat down for a few moments and they talked over what they should have talked over last night. Gabrielle. Sandy. His new baby. Patrick admitted his terror. They ended up hugging and Patrick left. She had only minutes to spare before class. Feeling unsettled, she left her house, locking it behind her. She twirled around to leave when a voice stopped her dead.

“He’ll never stick with you.”

Startled, Allison glanced over to find Celia standing by the hedge between their houses. Celia’s hair was uncombed and frizzing around her face. She wore a loose robe. Allison swallowed, feeling an unsettling case of nerves rise up at Celia’s rather creepy appearance. Had she been standing there for a long time, just waiting for her to come out? It left a strange, hollow feeling in Allison’s stomach.

Allison closed her eyes. It had been a busy morning and was barely eight o’clock. “Hello, Celia.”

She didn’t bother with any niceties. “He’ll fuck you and leave. Like always.”

“I honestly have no idea what to say. This just happened. I wasn’t after him. Swear to God, Celia. I wanted nothing to do with him.”

“Just warning you, teacher. You aren’t anything to him. No one is. He’s a cold bastard who doesn’t care he left me and my marriage in shambles.”
He did that?
Allison poked her tongue into her cheek to keep from responding. How could Celia blame Shane for that? He didn’t cheat. Or force Celia to cheat. She chose to. And as far as Allison knew, Jett still didn’t know. But Celia was obviously quite put-out when Shane stopped their ongoing affair.

“Yes, we can agree he’s made some questionable decisions in the past. But he’s not a cold bastard.” She could not let that go, and felt a strong compulsion to defend him. Not one time had he acted that way with her, or around her. Except for the Jett/Celia fiasco, he was decent, kind, and upstanding. He found her and convinced her to help Erin. He had no other reason to do that other than he cared.

“You’ll regret this. He will never change for you. Good luck with that train wreck,
teacher
.” Celia’s narrowed gaze and scowl sent a shiver of apprehension that almost turned to fear down Allison’s spine.
This
as in, sleeping with Shane? Or
this
as in, sleeping with Shane when Celia was not? She turned and fled to her car, more concerned about her neighbor and worried that too many seemed to know about her suddenly very much existent sex life.

Still, it was the first morning in perhaps years when she actually looked forward to leaving the house to go to work.