River's Return (River's End Series, #3) (27 page)

****

An overwhelming sense of shame hit Allison and she nearly cowered under Shane’s gaze. His eyes revealed such kindness and understanding, she almost couldn’t stand it. She didn’t deserve it, not even a little bit. She was horrified over what she’d done to him. She wanted to hurt him because she was so afraid of getting hurt. It was a terrible, selfish reaction. And Shane’s punishment for that? Nothing but more tenderness and care towards her. Compassion and love were his response. He only wanted to help her.

There were no more answers now than she had six weeks ago. It might as well have been six minutes ago, but at least, now she had Shane. He knew the truth, and he was still here. He didn’t say a word about what she should or shouldn’t do. And he didn’t admonish her for what she considered doing. For the thing, she tried to send him away before she did it. She needed to face it, but the magnitude of everything that could go wrong froze her, trapping her inside her head. She had no clue for how to proceed.

Now, reality finally began to seep through the total panic and denial she’d been enduring for the last six weeks. She was pregnant. Shane knew, and she knew. She ultimately had to be the one to face it, and deal with it. She had to solve
a problem.

Shane simply took her home from school and basically put her to bed. She napped peacefully.  When she awoke, her eyes ached and her throat was dry. She came downstairs, hours later, and Shane had made her dinner. He sat near her while they both ate quietly. The atmosphere wasn’t strained or angry, but simply confused silence.

“I think you should take tomorrow off too.”

She nodded at his valid suggestion. “Okay. You’re probably right.”

He didn’t mention it again, or grill her to know what she intended to do, and why she could not tell him. He simply tugged her against him on the couch; and they contentedly watched TV, happy to just be together.

He was totally right: she could not have done that alone.

She still had to do it, however.

She woke up sometime near morning and could not go back to sleep again. Shane was near her, his body taking up more than half the bed.

He was there
. That made all the difference. It also made it that much more real.

She stared, wide-eyed, at the ceiling as milky light started to filter into the room. Hours later, Shane rolled over and his arms found her. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her scent.

“I can’t
not
have it.”

Silence, long and deep, dominated the room. Then he said softly, “No, Allison, I don’t think there is any other option for you.”

“Or you?” She honestly had no idea what he thought of the subject. There was no reason until now to discuss it. They weren’t nearly this far in their relationship.

“No. Not by choice.”

She didn’t say anything more, but turned on her side and stared out the window. He did too.

****

Shane left for a few hours because he had an appointment with a client. Allison sensed he was reluctant to leave her alone. He was obviously worried. She found it hard to believe he was not angrier after learning how she intended to handle the whole thing. When he later returned in his truck, she had just finished dressing, and that was something, at least.

“Will you come somewhere with me?” he asked after he leaned in to kiss her cheek in greeting.

She shrugged, appearing listless. She had nothing more pressing; but her limbs felt too heavy to fathom going to work. Her head, however, would not quit thinking.

She got into his truck silently and stared out the passenger window. They drove towards the ranch, but instead of pulling into where the horses and main house were, they passed it. Turning off to the left, they kept going until they were on the high side of the Rydells’ apple orchard. There was just a small spit of land that overlooked the entire valley. The river was at the center of the view. River’s End was one side and part of the Rydell Ranch took up the other half. It was about two acres that were elevated above the main part of the ranch, and the orchard, which spilled out beyond it. Nearly hidden by all of the trees, but for the road to get there, Shane stopped and got out. She followed suit.

“What is this place?”

“The only corner of the orchard they didn’t plant. I always liked it more than anywhere else. It’s kind of, you know, off and away from it all, but still a part of it. Like me. It also has one hell of a view. What do you think?”

Her eyes were fastened on the gorgeous vista all the while he talked. “Yes, spectacular. Probably one of the best views on the ranch.”

Shane cleared his throat and began staring down at their feet. He kicked idly at the dusty, loose ground. “I think I want to build a house here. Everyone’s doing that somewhere on the property now. Ian, Jack… maybe it’s my turn.”

She swung her gaze around. “Really? You’d build a home right here?”

“Only if it were with you.” He lifted his head and stared right into her eyes. She didn’t expect such a crisp, gentle statement.

Allison froze as if caught in a sniper’s sights. Her mouth was slightly open and her eyes were wide. The tip of her tongue touched her lips, as she stammered, “Wh—what do you mean?”

He stepped forward so his hands cupped her elbows. “I mean this… I want to marry you. Now. Not later. I’ve wanted to ask you for months. I just know how you think. You needed time. That’s the adult way of making sure this is all real and will work. But the way I see it, something beyond our control just hurried that along. We’re here. And I want to be here with you. I didn’t mean for it to happen this way, but now that it has… I know, I do, this isn’t your first choice. But I hope that being with me
is
your choice and something you ultimately want.”

Her eyes were so wide, he could tell she was skeptical. “You can’t mean that.”

“I’ve never meant anything more.”

He took her hands in his. “I know none of this is what you were looking for, starting from the first time we slept together. But you felt it even then. I know you did simply because you kept seeing me. You changed everything for me. You were exactly what I’ve been seeking for my entire life. I’m not asking you to say that in return. I understand you had that with Patrick and I fully respect the life you made with him and had planned for your daughter. I know how much you grieve for all that. But you also can’t deny what we have here. If you will allow me to be excited to have you in my life and over what’s happening, I can help you not be so scared and unsure. I don’t need you to the feel the bright-eyed novelty of the whole concept that I feel. But, Allison, I do feel it. Enough for both of us. Just give us—please, give us this, a chance. Let us try. If you didn’t believe something could work between us, there’s no way you’d even be here. If you chose to not have our baby, I believe you would have done so within the last six weeks, when I didn’t know about it.”

Her entire body stiffened as if he had sucker punched her. She realized how right he was, and there was no way she would not have his baby. Not by her choice, at least.

She turned away from him and started pacing. “You don’t understand anything. Do you know how hard this will be? I can’t be like the first time I almost became a mother. I spent all my time touching my stomach, feeling the awe and wonder and excitement. I read as many books and articles as I could with insatiable hunger. I bought every little trinket and gizmo anyone suggested. I indulged my nesting instinct. I was there, all in. So was Patrick. You deserve that. I can’t give you the experience you should be feeling. You didn’t kill your baby.”

His eyes tracked her frantic pacing, but he didn’t attempt to stop her. Letting her frenetic, nervous energy expel itself was part of his gift to her. He didn’t attempt to soothe her, or tell her to calm down. She appreciated that in him. He let her be. But she knew, down deep in her gut, all it would take was a simple word from her before he’d step up next to her and envelop her into his warm embrace.

That stopped her dead. It was a really liberating knowledge to have. Even if she didn’t take him up on it, she had his total support.

“First, I was never intending to have the experience. Until I met you, I never once entertained the notion or fantasy of wanting a baby, let alone, looked forward to the day I’d actually be having one. I didn’t intend to stay here for more than a few months at a time. There was no reason for me to stay. But now? There is. You.
You’re
my entire reason for wanting to do anything and everything.”

She scrunched her eyes shut and took in a deep breath that filled her lungs to capacity. A rush of passionate feelings swelled her heart: shock, disbelief, joy, anger, hurt, fear, anxiety and love. So much love overfilled her heart. Could he really have said that out loud to her? She was his reason? This wild, crazy, man who lived passionately with total abandon and no concern for society’s conventions or responsibilities, this man now wanted to abide by all that and willingly, simply because of her? She could not compute the magnitude of that. She thought of what he’d done already for her, and what he said he was willing to become for her. Glancing at them, never, ever would anyone think she could have inspired those things in him. And vice versa.

“Allison?” he said with a tender, soft, lilting tone to his voice. “Is it my hair? My tattoos? My bike? I can cut my hair, sell my bike, and wear more dad-like clothes, if you ask me. No one but you will ever see the rest of my body again, and it could just be our secret. If you ask me to conform more to you on the outside, as much as I do on the inside. I would. I will. It would be easy for me as long as I can be with you.”

Tears started to roll down her face as he spoke.  “No. NO! That is not—none of this is because of how you look. I don’t want you to cut your hair, or not be who you really are. I know what kind of man you are: good, kind, loyal, smart and wonderful. It’s all you, Shane. You take my breath away. I love everything about you. I—” Her voice cracked before she rushed into his arms. He caught her easily. “I love you,” she finally finished.

His chest expanded and deflated as he let out a breath of total relief. “I’ve been waiting a while to know that for sure.”

“I know,” she finally admitted softly, her voice growing stronger. “But you don’t understand. I had that once. Patrick and I loved each other very much too. We wanted and felt all of… this. But look where that ended up. We could not survive it. Why would it be any different with us?”

“You’re so sure something is going to happen?”

“I’m sure it’s a distinct possibility that at some point, it will. And then? I can’t go through another break-up. It was just as awful to fall out of love and stop caring for Patrick as it was to lose Gabrielle.”

He tucked a hunk of hair behind her ear. His big hands always seemed so clunky whenever he fiddled with her hair, or tried to gently touch her. When wasn’t his touch totally soft and almost reverent on her? He made her heart swell with love. He was so unlike how his looks suggested he’d be with her. “I don’t know why that happened to you guys. I can’t guarantee anything. I know things will go wrong. You forget I’ve lost people I love too. Both of my parents. One day, I had them, the next, I had none. Then, Jack and a strange woman, who wasn’t my mother, started telling me what to do. I never got used to it; and I never forgave them for being here when my parents weren’t. I learned earlier than most kids that life happens, baby. Really, I get that. It’s what you do after it happens that matters. And I can only promise you that I’ll be right here. By your side. I won’t let you push me away. I would even tear my bleeding heart from my chest and hand it to you if that will prove my unconditional love for you.”

She leaned back and stared into his dark, compelling, green eyes as he spoke. His voice had a lilting, hypnotic quality that made it so easy to fall into a trance just listening to him. She touched her hand to his cheek. “I do forget. You don’t mention it often enough.”

He shrugged and put his hand over hers. “I didn’t want to be at the ranch during the last ten years. It reminded me of what I lost. When I was away, I found it much easier to manage the loss. You know? Not being here, it wasn’t something I thought about as much. When I came back, I could picture how Dad used to cross the yard from the barns, or Mom when she waited for me in the kitchen. I’d see Jack doing my dad’s old jobs and it made me so damn angry. Because it should have been my dad. Even if I hated the old bastard at times, I never wanted him dead.”

“I didn’t know you hated him.”

Shane shrugged and stepped away from her, his gaze now focused on the ranch and river that spread out before them. He kneeled down along the edge of the bank and picked up a small stone before throwing it into the river. “I wasn’t what Dad wanted in a son. I was a huge disappointment. After Jack and Ian… what did he need with a rebel? I didn’t dress or act or comply with his wishes. Everything that spoke to me, didn’t to Dad, and vice versa. We couldn’t find common ground.” Shane glanced back at her. “I would never do that to a child, Allison. I’ll accept our child however and whoever he or she is. Always.”

She walked forward and kneeled beside him, her eyes focused on the view too. “Assuming the baby lives.”

He glanced at her and a small smile tugged up one side of his mouth. “Is this how you’re going to be the entire time?”