River's Return (River's End Series, #3) (26 page)

“Someone like Patrick,” he said quietly after studying her in a profoundly long moment of silence.

Tears were close, so close to leaking from her eyes, but if they did, they’d ruin the effect she was striving for. She wanted him to leave town, so she could do what had to be done; but she had to make sure he was gone first.

“Yes. Exactly.” She kept her back straight and her heart cold and hard.
Abortion
. She was doing this only so she could go through with what
she had to
. There was no doubt in her mind. No hesitation. It was a matter of destroying him now, or destroying her later. She could not survive another child’s birth and death again.

She just couldn’t do it.

The idea of abortion hurt her a lot too. But another pregnancy and stillbirth would surely destroy all that was left of her.

He slowly set down the wrench and his movements were calm and precise. He didn’t throw it, or even pretend to hurl it. He wasn’t mad. His muscles didn’t strain like he would’ve liked to hurt her, but she didn’t fail to see the shock and hurt in his gaze.

“What’s going on?”

“I just… need a break. This is so much. Maybe… maybe you should go on one of your trips I used to hear so much about. The ones everyone thinks you need by now. Maybe… I need it more than you.”

His breath hissed through his teeth, which were clenched. “Are you serious?”

“I just need some room. I have to keep coming here, you know, for Erin and all. But everything else feels all wrong. You know that’s not totally coming out of nowhere.”

He nodded. “I thought you were confused about where next to take your career. With all your work for the school district work done, you seemed to deflate as a regular education teacher. I didn’t comprehend that I was the true source of your disappointment.”

“It’s…
things
. I just need some space.” Whirling around, she nearly ran away from him. Her tears started before she even got to her car. It broke her heart to do and say that to him. She didn’t look back. She sped out of the ranch, hoping he believed her. She knew she’d never be able to pull off that lie twice.

****

Allison stumbled as she staggered hastily over the uneven terrain on the way to her car. She wasn’t well. Shane stared after her, his mouth still open in silent shock
. Where the fuck did all this come from?

He had to admit, during the last month, Allison was definitely off. She was moody and snappish. He had blamed it on the school thing. But now she claimed it was him?

His jaw hurt from clamping it so tightly. None of what she said rang true. But then again, all of her reasons were valid… back in the beginning. Sure. If she’d said all this to him then, he’d have been first to agree: yeah, they were a long shot as a couple. Look at his track record. His history. His perpetual avoidance of any kind of commitment.

But now? That wasn’t him anymore. Eight months was nothing to sneeze at in the realm of commitment. He was successfully running his business, which had become pretty substantial and lucrative in the last four months. He worked almost every day except Sunday. He had also started helping Jack on the ranch, even mucking the stalls, or feeding the horses when required. He was trying to be a productive member of the ranch, resort, and his family, but most of all, for Allison.

Now she tried to claim it was all a mistake? A lark?

Bullshit.

She had even introduced him to her parents, who most definitely were not fans and weren’t shy in their disapproval about him. But she blew them off, refusing to accept their shortsighted views and prejudice.

All of it suddenly stunk of bullshit. But to what end? That, he could not determine.

He swore as he pushed the bandanna from his hair.

Fuck
. Maybe he should just leave. Go away. Arizona or New Mexico should have pleasant weather right about now. He could spend his days drunk and high with a pretty, little biker chick who totally dug his tattoos and piercings and long hair.
Long hair?
That’s what set her over the edge?

Taking off on his bike, it felt a little like the good, old days. That was before Allison, when he tore down the road after feeling trapped, or inadequate, or a failure to Jack or Ian again. Now? He hadn’t felt that urge in months.

Now however, he felt like he failed Allison.

The pisser was: he had no idea how or why.

He roared past her road.
Fuck, yes!
He should just keep going. Just take off. Screw the business he so diligently tried to build. Screw this one-horse town, and the ranch, and his brothers who loved horses, and his dad who never loved him. Screw it all. Most especially, screw a prissy, redheaded school teacher who just said in so many words that he wasn’t good enough for her. Not in any real way.

He never even liked red hair. Not really. Not until Allison.

He opened the clutch and let the bike fly… going, going, gone. With a big smile, he drove into the night.

Chapter Seventeen

“GET YOUR ASS BACK here.”

Shane frowned into the cell phone when he heard Erin’s voice screaming over it. She never screamed. She was shy and sweet and never like that. But she was screaming at him. “Why do you care?”

“I can’t believe you’re that stupid.”

His mouth popped open. Was she for real? The girl who’d grown up illiterate, and epitomized feeling stupid, was now actually calling him that? How dare she? It was just downright mean and Shane had never been mean to Erin. Okay, maybe at first, but not in years. In fact, he’d mostly been her champion.

“Shane?” she snarled out loud enough that he could hear it even though the phone wasn’t on his ear. Finally, he set it back there.

“What did I do to you?”

“You really left town? I mean, come on. Grow up.
Figure it out.
”

“Figure what out?” He stared up at the mountain pass he was about to start ascending, where he would soon lose his cell signal. Now, he couldn’t wait to go up there, after hearing Erin’s wonderful morning greeting. Besides, being four hours away from River’s End wasn’t really like leaving town. He just needed to cool down. He’d crashed at a friend’s. What was this?

“She’s pregnant, you idiot. She’s freaking pregnant. And for some reason, she’s scared out of her mind about it.”

Everything stopped. The air. The sun. His heart. His breathing. His fingers went numb where they clutched his phone. Erin’s words didn’t totally compute.

“Allison? H—how? It’s impossible. Did she tell you that?”

“If you’re having sex, it is not impossible. There are failures. And yes, of course, Allison. And no, of course, she didn’t tell me. I figured it out when she began hurling her guts out here one second, and felt almost fine the next. It’s called morning sickness. Then you take off, headed nowhere, like you used to, and I put all the pieces together. Did you not know she was?”

Morning sickness?
No. He really didn’t know. His heart started tripping fast and his palms were sweating. That would destroy her. And scare her. And make her lash out at him. He shook his head and looked down. Running his hands through his hair, he silently swore. He’d been such a short-sighted idiot.

“Shane?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m here, Erin. I’m here. I’ll be back. Three hours, tops.”

“What are you going to do?” Her tone was calmer now, normal Erin, even respectful.

“Go see her.”

Silence. Then, “I’m sorry I yelled. I thought you left her because of it.”

“No. Never. She picked a really stupid fight; and I just needed to get some air. Some space. I was coming back anyway today.”

“Oh.” Erin’s gusto sounded ruined. “That’s not what I expected of you.”

“Well, that used to be me. Until Allison.”

Erin was quiet before asking, “Why does being pregnant freak her out so bad? Her eyes were huge with panic; and she was so worried I might ask her what was wrong. So I just kept quiet, but it was impossible not to guess.”

He shut his eyes and hoped she’d be okay with him telling Erin the truth. “She lost a child. A stillborn daughter. Four years ago.”

Silence fell between them. He understood Erin’s quiet reception of that news. Then she swore and sniffed. “Oh damn. Shane… I had no idea. She never let on. Not in all these months, or even years that I knew her, she never once indicated anything like that happened to her.”

“That’s how we got together.”

“How do you mean?”

“I caught her crying on her daughter’s birth-slash-death date. I had no idea why; I just knew she was hurting, and it was a terrible thing to witness. It made a powerful connection.”

“You’re in love with her.”

He laughed shortly. “Erin, I told her that almost eight months ago.”

Erin coughed to mask her exclamation of surprise. “I had no idea. You mean, from the start you were that serious?”

“From the very start. It’s never been like that for me. But it has for her. I get that. It’s okay with me. But this…”

“Changes everything.”

“Yeah. Pretty much.”

“What will you do?”

“Go to her. Thank you for telling me.”

She sighed. “I shouldn’t have yelled until I spoke to you.”

“Yes, you should have. My history is what it is. I’ll see you.”

He zipped his phone into the inside of his coat, straddled his legs over his bike, and took off, far exceeding the speed limits. His heart hammered and his head spun with panic.
Fear
. A strange lump lodged in his throat and churned his guts. But he tried to ignore his own reactions, which were so deep, they had to wait for later. All that mattered now, right this second, was getting to Allison.

It was his anthem, his prayer, and his whole point to life.

The small school parking lot was half empty. He barely stopped and kicked the stand on his bike before sprinting across the lot, into the main hallway of the school. He skipped checking in. No one stopped him or commented on his presence. He passed some kids in line who were ready to go into the library, and waved at the school counselor as he ran past. It was the same one that used to dole out his punishments and demerits for whatever offense he had most recently committed.

There it was: Allison’s classroom. Bursting through the closed door, straight into her full class, she stood up in alarm. She was previously talking to the kids who were all properly seated at their respective desks. All heads turned towards him at the back of the class where he so rudely intruded. A few of the kids’ eyes widened in shock, and others were almost glowing in fear. Allison’s mouth opened, then closed. Her eyes met his and his gaze roamed her face, as if he were checking for fresh wounds. Closing his eyes, he let the overwhelming emotions rock through him.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” he asked in almost a whisper after his conspicuously loud arrival. The class was frozen in total surprise and silence. Her shoulders slumped and fresh tears filled her eyes. Her hair was pulled into a neat braid, her staple for teaching, and her clothes were the usual skirt and blouse. Always so neat, tidy, tucked in, and prim. She started shaking her head and her hands went to her face. He strode up to the side of the classroom, ignoring all the little eyes, wide with wonder, and the inappropriateness of his presence. He knew she needed him.
Now. Right now. Forever.
She needed him.

He reached out and swooped in to pull her up against him. Bringing her to his chest, his arms wrapped around her back, clutching her tightly. Her sobs were instant and deep as she helplessly clung to him before she sobbed and cried. The students sat bewildered and in shock, no doubt, half traumatized to see their teacher in tears. Not to mention… well, Shane. He wasn’t the typical teacher’s boyfriend, he supposed. He leaned her back and gently pressed his lips to her already swollen eyelids. “You need to call the front office. They’ll have to get a substitute to teach your class today,” he said gently.

She started nodding, but her thoughts were scattered. He could tell she hesitated, and didn’t know what to do. He picked up the phone and quickly called the office, briefly explaining there was a family emergency and Mrs. Gray needed a class substitute immediately.

Allison didn’t argue with Shane. She smiled a sad, pathetic smile of encouragement to the kids, saying, “I’m sorry, kids. This is my friend, Shane. And his arrival was totally unexpected to me too. I thought… I thought he was gone for good.”

“But he’s not gone. And he was never gone. And furthermore, he will never be gone,” Shane said. He was staring at her and her lips trembled in response as she barely nodded to indicate she agreed.

The principal came striding into the classroom and quickly observed Allison’s lack of composure. The principal knew Shane and didn’t have a favorable impression of him. Shane saw his mouth pucker with surprise, but he ignored it as he picked up Allison’s coat and other things before grasping her arm as she stumbled alongside him to leave.

They made it as far as an empty conference room before she started to cry. He pushed her into the unoccupied room and locked the door. He held her tightly against him and she shook her head. “How did you…?”

“Erin figured it out. She called me.”

“Oh,” she hiccupped and her hands fisted in his shirt.

“Why didn’t you come and tell me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how it happened. I can’t do this. I can’t go through this again. I can’t…” She was sobbing again and her mascara ran all over her face. He wiped it off with the pads of his thumbs.

“Shh, honey. I’m here. I’ll help you. How long have you known?”

She calmed down a bit and quieted. The question slightly intimidated her and he could feel her muscles going taut. “Six weeks.”

Six weeks.
Damn. He was a little shocked she managed to keep it quiet so long. Why? How? How could she keep it a secret from him for that long? Not too well, obviously.

“Go ahead, you can hate me. You have a right to know. Y—you have rights too. But it’s my body. Mine. And I can’t do this again. I can’t. Not again. I just can’t…” She was sobbing incoherently against him. She struggled to get away, but Shane only held her more tightly. Holding her up, he understood how deeply her fear and grief ran and intermingled. His stomach tightened at what she had said, but still, he soothed and shushed and held her. He ran his hands into her hair and along her cheeks. “Shh, Allison. You don’t have to do anything. I’m here. I’m just here. Always. No matter what. I love you, honey. All the time. Forever. No matter what.”

He kept talking until she finally calmed down and draped herself against him. She shook her head after five minutes of complete silence. “I can’t have this baby. You’ll hate me in the end.”

“That’s why you tried to send me away?”

“Yes.” She sobbed. “I couldn’t do it if I had to face you. Are you angry at me?”

“No, sweetheart.” She started to tremble at his soft tone. He trailed his fingertips gently down the side of her face. “I love you. That’s the end of it for me. I’m here, no matter what you do. You should have told me because you needed me.”

“I can’t do it. You don’t understand.
I can’t
face this.”

He almost completely held her up now and stared into her eyes. He waited until she met his penetrating gaze. “I know. I know. But did you think you could handle the other without me? Really? You thought that? Look at you.” He tenderly pushed her bangs off her forehead and watched the fresh tears flood her eyes before streaming down her red, mottled face. She wasn’t one who could cry and look normal a few minutes later. Every inch of her skin turned red and reflected her grief. He shook his head. “Look at you, baby. You can’t do this alone. You’re not really fine.”

“I’m not. I know. But I was just so mad at you. That never happened to me before. I mean, not when I didn’t know it was happening. It’s that thing. Your piercing. It had to have ripped the condom. It
had
to. There is no other explanation. So you see, I did everything right. I didn’t ask for this. No, I tried to avoid it at all costs. So I don’t deserve to be forced to endure it now. It makes it okay to end it because I didn’t actually want or cause it.”

He nodded as he stared into her suddenly bright and intense gaze. “Normally, when you get this upset, I would forego arguing, but I can’t have you thinking I did anything to hurt you. I swear to you, Allison, there is no proof or research anywhere to support the idea that piercings cause rips or issues with protection. Not anymore than people who don’t have them. I would not do that to you. You have to know that by now. After your history? I’d never risk it.”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t change what
is
.”

“No. It doesn’t.” He nodded, getting her solemnity.

Her shoulders sagged into him. “It’s just not fair. I didn’t ask for this. Not again. I wasn’t careless.” She lifted her head off his shoulder, and her gaze traveled over his face. She whispered, “I just can’t do it again.”

“Whatever you do, you won’t do it alone. Did you really intend not to tell me?”

She shook her head and gave a lackluster shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing with anything right now. It’s my body.
Mine.
I’m the one who has to decide. And I can’t do it. I don’t think you understand how hard it is for me to face doing it. I don’t think you’re getting it.”

She was desperate for him to understand. He did, however. He actually understood her. She needed him so much. His answer was a tight hug. “I’m getting it,” he said as his lips softly touched her cheek.

She clutched his shoulders. “I’m sorry. I think, maybe I just freaked out.”

“Oh, you did; you completely freaked out. But I’m here now; and together, we’ll figure this out.” Her body weight fell into his.

“I can’t imagine how.”

“Together. We can figure it out
together.
”