Remember (39 page)

“Sometimes . . .” His tone was low and spoke volumes about his feelings for her. Their faces were inches apart, and the glow from the fire shone in his eyes. “Sometimes memories are all we have. All that keep us going.”

“What memories kept you going?” She kissed him again. “At Ground Zero?”

This time he brought his other hand up and worked his fingers into her hair. “Memories . . .” He moved his lips over hers. “. . . of this.” His fingers trembled against her face. “After I left, I sometimes wondered if the summer really happened. Or if it was all just a dream.”

“I thought . . .” She swallowed, searching for the courage to continue. “I thought after I told you about Paris—your feelings for me would change.”

He kissed her chin and the tip of her nose, and finally her lips again. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Their arms came around each other, and they kissed the way Ashley had wanted to since the moment she saw him again. With each minute, the passion between them built until there was no question that the ground they were treading was dangerous. She pulled away first, breathless. Before she could change her mind, she stood and stretched, raising her hands over her head. “Okay.” She exhaled hard. “I think we need a break.”

Landon gave the seat beside him a pat. “Come on, Ashley.” His voice was heavy with desire. “We’re okay.”

She shook her head and waved a finger at him. “We’re
not
okay.” The last thing she wanted was to lose control and to share a moment with him that they’d spend a year regretting. If that happened, he’d leave in a few days feeling he owed her something. And she couldn’t have that.

No; if Landon wanted to fight fires in New York, he should go and do so without any obligations back in Bloomington. That way, if he ever came back, if by some miracle they found each other again, their love would be for all the right reasons.

“Besides . . .” She held out her hand and helped him to his feet. “I don’t think Pastor Mark would approve.”

Immediately Landon’s desire faded first into confusion and then into utter disbelief. “Pastor Mark?” Landon couldn’t have looked more surprised if she’d announced she was becoming a nun.

“Yes. I don’t think he’d approve.” Ashley stifled a giggle and flopped back onto the far corner of the sofa. Her recent church attendance was one more thing Landon had missed.

He leaned against the opposite sofa arm and stared at her. “You’ve been talking to Pastor Mark?” His eyes were wide, unblinking. “What else haven’t you told me?”

She gave him a sheepish grin. “A lot.”

“Okay.” He anchored his elbows on his upper legs, his eyes shining with anticipation. “So tell me about Pastor Mark.”

“It’s not that big a deal.” Ashley pulled her knees to her chin, her eyes fixed on his. “After September eleventh, I started going to church with my family.” She shrugged. “It just seemed like the right thing to do.” A nervous laugh slipped out. “Me . . . Ashley Baxter . . . at church every Sunday. Can you believe it?”

“Ashley . . .” His mouth hung open. “That’s amazing.”

“What?” His reaction made her suddenly uncomfortable. “So I went to church. Is it that shocking?”

“No, it’s just . . .” He stopped himself and shook his head. “Never mind.” He shot her a smile. “That’s great, Ash. Really.”

There was something he wasn’t saying, but she didn’t feel like pushing the issue. What if he wanted to know specific details about her and God? Even after praying that day with Laura Jo, Ashley wasn’t sure exactly where she stood. She hadn’t started reading her Bible or anything like that. And she didn’t want to disappoint Landon by saying so.

She volleyed a smile back at him. “I thought I would just go that one time—right after you left. Everything about life seemed so sad and crazy after the attacks. But at church that Sunday—I don’t know, I had this sense of peace.” Her smile faded. “You know?”

“Definitely.” His expression reflected a joy she hadn’t seen before. Ashley couldn’t quite define it, but it was there. Whatever the reason, she was glad. It felt wonderful to see him happy. It made him look more like himself, less like the battle-scarred warrior she’d welcomed home earlier that day.

They settled back onto the sofa and watched a comedy on TV, avoiding the kisses that had nearly gotten them into trouble before. Much too quickly the evening was over, and Landon left to spend the night at his parents’ house.

The days after that sped by in a blur of lunches with Cole and walks together in the cold winter air, games of catch, and on their last day together, a series of footraces in front of Ashley’s house. For the most part, Cole was the winner.

“You’re the champion of the world, buddy.” Landon raised Cole’s hand in the air and paraded him around the yard as though he’d just won the Olympics.

Cole grinned big and pumped his fist. Then he threw his arms around Landon’s neck and said something that made Ashley’s heart catch. “I wish you could stay for always, Landon. . . .”

“Me too.” Landon tousled his hair and picked him up off the ground.

“Can me and Mommy go with you when you leave?”

“Not this time, buddy.” Landon hugged Cole close and set him down again.

There was no missing the fact that Landon and Cole shared something special. Yes, Cole had always enjoyed his time with Ashley’s father. But in all ways that mattered, Landon was the young father figure Cole had never known.

The afternoon passed, and Ashley tried not to think about it too much. But that night, the images of the two of them together made it impossible for her to sleep.

What if Landon never came back? What if he lost interest in her or fell in love with someone else? What if he became someone different after a year in New York—someone who couldn’t be bothered with a difficult woman and her fatherless son?

Whatever the future held, Ashley was certain of this much. It would yield no easy answers.

And after Landon left, the questions would only get harder.

Chapter Thirty-One

Sunday afternoon came too quickly.

After church, Ashley brought Cole and Landon back to her house and fixed them grilled-cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Then, when it was almost time for Landon to leave, he stooped down to Cole’s level and hugged him close. “You take care of your mom now, you hear?”

Cole lowered his chin and lifted his eyes. His lower lip quivered, and Ashley knew he was doing his best not to cry. “I will.” He coughed twice. “Are you comin’ back?”

It was the question Ashley had been afraid to ask since Landon returned. She held her breath and waited.

Landon messed his fingers through Cole’s hair and didn’t look in her direction. “I’d like to.” He braced his hands on Cole’s shoulders. “Some things God doesn’t tell us until it’s time. Okay?”

Cole managed a brave smile. “Okay.”

Until it’s time?
Landon’s words rang out again in Ashley’s mind. What was that supposed to mean? She drew in a quick breath and made a point to ask Landon later.

“Now, how ’bout you run outside and play while I say good-bye to your mommy. All right?”

Cole nodded but stayed where he was, anchored in Landon’s arms. Then he hugged him once more, burying his face near Landon’s muscled shoulder. “I love you.”

Landon’s eyes glistened, and he didn’t speak for several seconds. “I love you too, Cole. Stay close to Jesus.”

Cole nodded, then pulled away. He grabbed his coat and mittens, and in a flash he was in the backyard, leaving Landon and Ashley alone.

Landon said nothing, just held out his arms and waited while she crossed the room and came into his embrace.

“I’m such an idiot.” She let her head fall against his chest.

With gentle hands he stroked her hair and massaged his fingers into the base of her neck. “That’s a funny way to say good-bye.”

She lifted her eyes, aching from the mistakes she’d made in the past and the toll they were taking on her now. “How come I didn’t see it?”

Landon waited, his face patient, kind.

“You were everything I could have wanted, Landon. Even back then, before Paris.” She uttered a sound that was something like a laugh, but without the humor. “You know what I used to think?”

He twisted his face and stared at the ceiling as though he were trying to solve the world’s most difficult riddle. “Not a clue. Besides, my dad taught me never to guess what women are thinking.” A smile filled out the area beneath his cheekbones.

She relaxed a bit, caught off guard by his playfulness. “I thought you were too safe.”

He took a step backward and pointed to himself, his eyes wide.

“I know, I know.” Ashley waved her hand. “I’ve had time to think about it since you left. You’re not safe; you’re crazy.”

She held up a finger. “First, you switch from future veterinarian to firefighter.” Her second finger came up. “Then, you risk your life to save a little boy.” She raised her third finger. “Finally, on little more than a whim, you decide to up and go to New York.”

Her hand fell to her side. “Of course, then there’s Jalen.” She felt the silliness fade from her expression. “What kind of man stays at a place like Ground Zero for that many weeks looking for his dead friend? Breathing who knows what and wearing out his hands and . . . and his heart into a tattered mess?”

She linked her fingers at the back of his neck. “I was an idiot, Landon. I never even knew you.”

“You forgot something.” He nuzzled his face against hers.

“What?”

“The first crazy thing I ever did was fall in love with
you.”

She thought about that for a while. He was right. She was hardly the conventional catch in high school. Oh, she’d been a cheerleader for a while—a very short while—as her parents and her sisters expected. But after that she had hung out with a retro-hippie group and worn strange clothes and stranger hair.

Meanwhile, Landon was quietly charming, conservative, liked by everyone at Clear Creek High School. He could have gone out with any girl. But instead he pursued her and her alone, even when she would barely give him the time of day. There was nothing safe about that.

“See?” She gave herself a light smack on the forehead. “I should have known it then.”

“It’s okay, Ash.” He was serious again. “All that’s behind us.”

“It’s not okay.” She pushed away from him, hovering precariously between playfulness and despair. “It’s too late. I figured it out too late.”

“What did you figure out too late?” He caught her hands and brought them around his waist.

She sighed, and the frustration in her felt like it was leaking straight from her soul. Her eyes caught his, and she felt the burn of tears. There was a thickness in her throat when she tried to speak. “That I . . . I love you, Landon. I
do
love you.” The tears spilled onto her face, but she did nothing to stop them. “I love you the way you always wanted, and now it’s too late.”

“Because I’m leaving?” He searched her eyes, and with a gentle touch of his thumb he wiped her tears.

“Because everything’s different now.” Her voice was a notch louder than before, almost shrill, and suddenly Ashley recognized something she hadn’t before. She was afraid—afraid of what might happen if Landon spent a year fighting fires in New York City. She swallowed hard and ordered herself to be calm. Her voice was barely more than a whisper when she spoke again. “Look what happened to Jalen. That could’ve been you, Landon. Don’t you think I realize that? If you hadn’t been hurt in that apartment fire here, you’d have been right there beside him.”

“Oh, Ashley, honey.” He held her until her body stopped shaking. When she was somewhat calmer, he took her face between his hands and pulled back just far enough so he could see her eyes. “Remember when you told me you were going to church? I acted kind of funny, and you thought it was because I was shocked that you’d gone? Remember?”

Ashley nodded.

“I was going to tell you something, but”—he glanced around the room as though he were looking for the right words—“it didn’t seem like the right time.”

“What?” She sniffed, savoring the way his hands felt against her face, memorizing the smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice.

His eyes locked onto hers and he looked straight into the most private places of her heart. “I prayed you’d go. When I was at Ground Zero one day, I felt like I was falling apart. Like I was becoming someone else.” He blinked twice. “A man prayed with me, and after that I felt strong again. And right there, kneeling in the rubble of the twin towers, I prayed for you, Ashley. And I knew . . . I knew that somehow God would lead you back to him. I knew because I heard his answer.”

She felt goose bumps rise along her neck and spine. “You prayed I’d go to church?”

“No.” He gave her a gentle smile. “I prayed you’d fall in love with God. With everything about him, Ashley. His truth, his church . . . his plan for your life.”

For an instant, the old feelings flashed in her mind, and she had the urge to argue or run. God’s truth? His plan for her life? It all sounded a little too church-ladyish. But there was that deep joy in Landon’s eyes again, a ray of light that told her he was talking about something more than women’s groups and Sunday potlucks. “Do you think . . . do you think that’s happening to me?”

Landon nodded. “I do.”

A sob caught in Ashley’s throat, and she laughed. “Really?”

“Really.”

“I kind of wondered about God.” This was the conversation she’d wanted to have with him for the past three days. Now they were out of time, so she did her best to sum up her feelings. “I kept thinking church was nice and all. But God—he was sort of scary. How could he be interested in me after all I’d done?” She lowered her chin, still horrified by the memories of her past. “I’m still not good enough for God. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want me now.”

Landon stroked her head and drew her near once more. “None of us is good enough.”

“You are.” She muttered the words against his chest. They were so close that she could feel his heartbeat.

“No, Ash.” He pulled back and peered at her. This time his eyes held the faintest trace of guilt. In the distant places of her mind, she wondered what he’d done that could possibly make him feel guilty. All Landon had ever done was think of others. But he shook his head. “No one is good enough. Not me or you or anyone else.”