Remember (36 page)

This time it was stronger.

* * *

Ryan couldn’t stop looking at her, glancing over his shoulder as they made their way through the city that evening and found a restaurant. She was really here! And what did it mean—the fact that she’d come? So far—other than the hug they’d shared when she first arrived—she’d given him no reason to think her visit was for anything other than because he’d invited her.

They were halfway through dinner when Kari pulled out a photo of Jessie. There was no question about it. The baby bore an uncanny resemblance to Kari.

“Wow.” Ryan’s mouth hung open for a minute. “She’s perfect.” He took the picture carefully, studying it. “I can’t believe how much she’s grown.”

Kari beamed. “I can’t believe I’m here. I haven’t been away from her for more than a few hours—until now.” She took the photo back from Ryan. “I miss her.”

“Me too.” His voice was low and thick, strained with emotion. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t seen little Jessie since she was born, had held her only during those first days of her life. The child had worked her way into his heart without his even knowing it. Ryan lifted his face to Kari. Their eyes met and held. “But I’ve missed you more.”

Ryan slid his hand across the table and linked fingers with her. He saw questions in her eyes, but nothing that told him to let go. She clasped her hand around his. “I had to come, Ryan. I . . . I couldn’t stay away.”

“It’s not the same as talking on the phone, is it?”

Ryan felt a rush he couldn’t explain, like a tidal wave of love and joy and happiness. Here, in this single moment, all was right with the world.

But how was he going to say good-bye in three days?

* * *

The visit was going faster than Kari wanted.

It was their second day together, and they were back at his apartment. Ryan sat on the sofa, his long legs stretched out in front of him. He’d poured two glasses of water and was waiting for her. The television was off.

It occurred to Kari that they needed to be careful. She was so glad to see him that until now she hadn’t thought about what it would mean to be alone with him. After all, the last several times they’d been together, the idea of anything happening between them had been unthinkable. First she’d been trying to save her marriage—and even then they’d barely resisted temptation. Then she’d been a grieving widow still recovering from the birth of her child.

But now . . . now she was none of those things.

She sat beside him and turned so she could see his face. Just looking at him made her feel alive again, whole, the way she hadn’t felt in longer than she could remember. Still, there were things she wasn’t sure of.

Neither of them had said anything about their feelings for each other—not since Ryan left for New York. That was understandable, considering the events of the past year.

But now, had enough time passed? Kari didn’t know. She was sure about only one thing: Now that she was here with Ryan, she didn’t ever want to leave him again.

She drew a slow breath. “I still can’t believe I’m here.”

He raised a single finger and traced it along her brow, his eyes never leaving hers. “Ever notice”—this time Ryan’s voice was utterly bare, all the polite pretense stripped away—“how shallow our phone calls are?” He paused, his eyes as deep as the ocean. “We talk about everything but us.”

“I was just thinking that.”

“So why do we do it?”

“What’s there to say?” Kari curled her feet up beside her. She was grateful this conversation wasn’t taking place over the phone. They couldn’t have talked about this without seeing each other’s eyes, reading each other’s feelings. “You live here; I’m there.”

Ryan sat back and breathed out slowly. “Forget about that for a minute. It’s been almost a year since Tim died, and you’ve never . . .” He stopped and let his head fall back against his beige leather sofa.

“Never what?”

He hung his head, and suddenly she wished she could make this easier on him. But even now, all they had was borrowed. In another day she’d go back to Bloomington, and they’d be no closer to the relationship they’d both always wanted.

She touched his shoulder. “Ryan?”

“I’m sorry.” He moaned and lifted his head. “Never mind.”

“No, come on. What were you going to say?”

“It’s just . . . I miss you all the time.” She could almost see him grasping for words. “Something about that makes me feel guilty. Like I shouldn’t even tell you.”

“Because Tim died, you mean?” Her tone was quiet, encouraging him to bare his heart—something he hadn’t done since their day on Lake Monroe more than a year ago.

“Maybe. I mean, it
must
be that.” He hesitated and locked eyes with her again. “You’re still getting over his loss, and here I am thinking about myself, my feelings for you.” His voice dropped a notch. “Kari, if you only knew.”

She rubbed his shoulder. “Would it help if I told you I’m at peace about Tim?”

“At peace?”

“Yes.” Kari leaned closer, her voice soft. “Tim wouldn’t have wanted me to spend the rest of my life in grief.”

“Why . . . ?” His eyes searched hers, and she saw a flame of hope ignite there. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I think I just figured it out myself. And then . . . well, I didn’t think it was fair.” Her voice was pinched, strained from the emotion choking her throat. “I didn’t want to presume anything.”

He looked away and laughed. Not a sarcastic laugh, but the kind that sang with relief. His eyes met hers again. “Are you serious?”

She nodded and felt a sheepish grin creep up the sides of her face. “Completely serious.”

“Kari girl.” He took her face in his hands and spoke straight to her soul. “Only God could have taken me to a place where my heart didn’t long for you and miss you every day, every hour.” Another, quieter laugh came from him. “Why do you think I call so often? Why do you think I asked you to come?”

Kari shrugged. Ryan’s hands felt wonderful on her face. They made it hard for her to concentrate. “Because you felt sorry for me?”

“Sorry for you?” Disbelief filled Ryan’s expression. “I would have called you every night, but I was trying to give you space. Give you time. Feel
sorry
for you?”

Kari felt as if she were floating. All these months she had wondered about Ryan, what his feelings were, and whether they would ever again share a night like this, a night in which they could be honest with each other. The way they’d been that night at Lake Monroe.

And now here they were.

Kari felt her smile fade. For another twenty-four hours, anyway. After that, then what?

He seemed to sense her questions. He skimmed his thumbs beneath her eyes and along her cheekbones. “Don’t worry about tomorrow, Kari. God will take care of that.” She covered his hands with her own and let her forehead fall against his. Ryan’s voice dropped to a whisper. “The important thing is that after tonight we never have to wonder how we feel about each other.”

Ryan was right. Kari lifted her head and searched his eyes. “We don’t, do we?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Never again.”

From the moment she walked into Ryan’s apartment the day before, Kari had wanted to kiss him. Now the feeling was more than she could resist. She felt him draw closer, and he brushed his mouth against her neck, her cheek, her ear. Her eyes closed as he whispered against her face in a voice she’d memorized back when she was a teenager. “I love you, Kari. I’ll always love you. Believe me, okay?”

She nodded, her cheek touching his. “I love you, too.”

Slowly, in a dance that had been planned before time began, their lips found each other. For the first time since his football injury, the moment was neither hurried nor bathed in guilt. This was the passionate kiss of two people who had spent a lifetime longing for each other.

A kiss that said more about the way they felt now than any words ever could.

* * *

Kari had already checked out of her hotel and had her suitcase by the door. The cab would be there in five minutes, and she and Ryan stood in a private area of the lobby, inches apart, trying to find the easiest way to say good-bye. Tears welled up in Kari’s eyes before she said a word.

What was keeping her in Bloomington, anyway? Why didn’t she go home, grab Jessie, and get on the next plane back to New York? She could stay here as long as he had a job with the Giants. With her contacts, she could probably even get some catalog work.

But that wouldn’t be right. Ryan would be busy, and she had no support here—no pastor helping her work through her past, no fledgling ideas about a ministry with hurting women. No family. No one to baby-sit Jessie. New York City—even the kinder, gentler New York that had emerged after September 11—was no place for a single mother with a new baby. Her heart would always be with Ryan. But for now, at least, Bloomington was her home.

That didn’t make leaving him any easier.

She let herself fall against him and rested her head on his chest. “I wish I didn’t have to go.” Her arms came up around his neck, and she held him, remembering a dozen other times when she’d said good-bye to him.

“Then stay.” He slid his hands around her and latched his fingers near the small of her back.

“I can’t.”

He studied her face. “I know.”

They were quiet for a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes. “If I look at you long enough, maybe I can keep a part of you here with me.”

They shared a long kiss, but in the end they said very little. What was there to say? They couldn’t talk about the next time they’d be together or make promises of seeing each other soon. There was no telling when the next time would be.

The only sure thing was how they felt about each other. And for now that would have to be enough.

Ryan walked her outside and waited until the taxi appeared. Then he hugged her once more. “Take care of my little girl.”

Kari nodded, dabbing at the wetness on her cheeks. “Bye.” Ryan set her suitcase in the trunk, and she climbed inside the cab. Their eyes held long after the door was closed, until the driver pulled away and turned a corner.

Only then did Kari let the tears come freely. A deep, agonizing sorrow welled within her and came out as the simplest prayer Kari had ever uttered.

Please, God, let us be together one day. Please.

* * *

The pain of watching Kari leave was so strong, Ryan felt it with each minute that passed. By the time he got back to his apartment, he was tempted to call the Giants’ front office and tell them to find someone else. He was going back to Bloomington.

But that wasn’t his style. He needed to honor his commitments—the way his father had taught him.

No, he couldn’t leave New York now. He owed it to the team to stay and finish the season. After that, though, he and Kari would have some serious possibilities to discuss.

He was fairly sure the Giants would extend his contract another year. If not, he could find a position with another NFL team. But where would that leave him and Kari? Would she marry him and move to New York? Would she want to follow him across the country while he worked his way into a head coaching position? Was that what the Lord wanted for both of them?

He sighed. There were too many unknowns. At this point there was only one thing Ryan was certain about. Kari had been away from him for less than an hour, and already he couldn’t wait to see her again. He poured himself a glass of milk and settled into the sofa—the same spot where he’d sat the day before and kissed her. She would be arriving at La Guardia soon.

He pictured her, a beautiful brunette turning heads as she made her way through the airport, and a twinge of anxiety sliced at his heart. He’d never worried much about flying, even the first few weeks after September 11, when the whole country seemed to fear the skies. But now he felt compelled to pray for the safety of the plane Kari was about to board.

Because after finding her again, he couldn’t bear to lose her now.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

The numb feeling was creeping back.

Landon needed a break from Ground Zero, needed to take a day and sit in the local chapel and weep over all he’d heard and seen and smelled these past two months. But still he kept working.

He’d worked through Thanksgiving and barely taken time to eat a cold turkey sandwich put together by some volunteers. Since that strange afternoon a month ago, he’d stayed away from Nino’s. He wasn’t at Ground Zero to socialize or commiserate with other hurting folks. He was here to find Jalen.

When it became clear his friend was dead, Landon moved into Jalen’s two-bedroom apartment. He and Jalen’s parents boxed his clothes and belongings, and afterward it seemed only right that Landon stay there. After all, they’d been planning to share the place.

Staying in Jalen’s apartment kept Landon focused, but he spent as little time there as possible. Every hour was a reminder that the job he’d come to do wasn’t finished yet. It wouldn’t be until he found Jalen.

Now it was Monday afternoon, Landon’s eighty-second straight day of sifting through rubble, clearing bucket after bucket of dusty human remains and other debris from the place where the World Trade Center once stood. Sometimes he slept a dozen hours straight before finding the strength to come back. But he always came. Day after day since the moment he’d arrived in New York.

A bucket went by, and then another, and another. Landon’s hands were numb from the sameness of the job. They were still finding body parts fairly often, but it had been a long time since they’d found a firefighter.

It was two in the afternoon, and Landon figured he’d work until dark. He did that most nights, and sometimes he stayed later, working with the night crew. He had nothing waiting for him back at the apartment except a telephone. And he couldn’t bring himself to call Ashley. Hearing her voice would only make him want to get on the next flight home, forget he’d ever spent a single day in the nightmare that was Ground Zero.